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Groundrules....its all about the groundrules.
You cannot make things up as you go along.
My wife and I have not yet done a threesome - but we have talked about it, and the rules (in our case) are quite clear. I do not fuck the other girl. Period, end of discussion.
I do feel for you and the mixed message you seem to have gotten - but you're in a fuck of a bind now man. Sit down, talk to your wife, and hopefully you can work it through.
This unfortunately is the danger of the 3-some while in a committed relationship - things going to far and giving grief.
I wish you the best man. Good luck.
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