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The heart of the problem as I see it:
Sometimes even if you discuss this to death ahead of time, people's feelings change in the middle of the situation, or even afterward. You're dealing with complex human emotions, and no matter how much people talk about "fair" or "hypocritical" the bottom line is she's unhappy.
Now, let's make a crucial distinction between BLAME and RESPONSIBILITY. There is absolutely no way you are to blame for this situation. She said "yes," you took her at her word. However, now she's upset, and both of you as a team need to take responsibility for making sure you get back to equilibrium. She needs to be responsible for saying yes when she didn't mean it, or for finding out why she's upset about it now, and making sure that she communicates about it in the future. You are only responsible for accepting that she's upset, period. You don't need to do anything about it other than hear it, acknowledge it as legitimate (not fair, not logical, just that she's entitled to feel this way), and promise to communicate whatever's there for you. If you are upset because you can't trust that she'll say what she means, or know what she wants, that, too is legitimate.
I know this is completely counterintuitive given the nature of the situation and the emotions involved, but things like this work best, in my experience, when nobody takes anything personally. Something happened. She had a feeling about it. Now what are you (the two of you) going to do about it?
If people in general would quit being so goddamn self-righteous the world would be a better place. That goes double for people in relationships, and is an absolute necessity for people involved in polyamorous relationships. If either partner can't grasp that, then an open/poly relationship is probably not for you.
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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."
- Anatole France
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