TurbineSlut

I would like to share my relationship situation with you, get some feedback, see what others think.

We met at a nightclub like a month and a half ago. We talked and eventually exchanged saliva and phone numbers. This was on a saturday night. For information: she's 28, I'm 26.

We meet up again on the following wednesday. We have dinner at her house cause the weather is shit and we don't feel like going into town. Anyways, we end up in bed, and its all good. Great sex. I see her again on Friday evening. Its all good. We talk and get along quite well.

The thing is she was leaving on a 3 and half week vacation with a girlfriend of hers the following monday, so that meant not seeing eachother very much and stuff. Not seeing her sucked, but I was otherwise okay with her going on vacation. Anyways, during her vacation she emails me a couple times (phoning and emailing were all quite difficult where she was). And she's come back a week ago (on a Thursday). She called me in the evening when she got back home and I went over to her house; I spent the night. We see eachother during the weekend as well.

Then we arrange to meet yesterday. I go to her house and she says she wants to talk about us. She says she doesn't feel like she's falling in love with me. And she doesn't think its going to happen either. I agreed that I wasn't head over heels about her either. She mentions that she enjoys having a boyfriend, but isn't really enthusiastic about us two as she had been in the past with relationships (she had like 2 or 3 relationships before me, been single for more than a year before she met me). And she said she was also quite happy with her life being single.

So we kinda decide to hang out as friends. We have dinner toghether that evening and I don't really think about it too much anymore... I'm just enjoying her company. We don't really touch eachother after the earlier conversation, except later in the evening, and we end up in bed again.

Fast forward to today. I'm back home and it starts nagging at me: I guess I care for her more than I thought I did. The thought of not being able to see her in the future is depressing. I think we'd make a great couple. And I start thinking how its weird that she decided within those 2 weeks that we've seen eachother (one week before her vacation and one after) about 7 or 8 times, she decides that she isn't going to fall in love with me and wants to... not see me anymore?

So now I wonder if there's something wrong with me... Maybe I bore her? It doesn't seem that way. We talk about lots of stuff, and have a lot of things in common.

It seems unlikely that anything happened during the vacation. I mean, I'm pretty sure she didn't hook up with anyone there. So I don't think there's someone else.

But at the same time I get the feeling as if the "I don't think I'm gonna fall in love with you" is perhaps an excuse?

Anyways, I'm gonna talk to her some more and try to find out whats going on. Do you people agree that 2 weeks is a little short to decide if a relationship is going to work out or not? If we didn't get along or if we had nothing to say to eachother, yeah, you can decide that quickly, but I thought things were going great...

I guess I'll keep you updated as I talk to her. Sorry this got a little long.

absorbentishe

She didn't fall in love in two weeks? What's up with that... Plus she gave you booty on the second time you saw her?

You can't rush anything, and if she feels like she's not compatible with you, then, she's not compatible with you. Perhaps staying friends, e-mailing, phoning what ever, and she may change her mind, but probably not. The best thing to do is just act like it doesn't matter. If you act like a sick puppy dog, that will only turn her off more.

roboshark

You can have a relationship as friends, or you can have one as lovers. It seems to me she's not very interested in the second kind.

She's not falling in love with you. It's possible to figure something like that out pretty quickly. Love is not usually the kinda feeling where you can "grow" into, especially between strangers. The prospect of a relationship based on sex and "being friends" only is not attractive enough for her without the added excitement and thrills of love. She'd like to be friends, but doesn't like to be as involved as it would require for you two to be if you'd have a "real" relationship.

Maybe while she was away, she found out she didn't really feel that much about you. When she got back, she decided to give it a try again, and, having tried, is coming to the realization that it's just not happening. Sure you can have fun together, and talk about stuff you both like, have sex, or whatever, but that's about it, as far as she's concerned.

In my opinion, it's possible to figure these things out in a few days/dates....

TurbineSlut

Well, I'm not saying she should've fallen in love with me after 2 weeks, but I just think its a strange reason to put forward to stop seeing someone. I mean, in my eyes she hasn't given us enough time. If the situation had been 2 months or so of us seeing eachother, I could agree. But it seems so short.

Yeah, she gave me booty the second time she saw me. I was pleasantly surprised.

Okay, yeah, I'll keep that in mind. I guess maybe she thinks we're not compatible... but I think I wanna know in what aspects.

hossified

she / you are known as what I call an 'on-call'. Basically she like banging you, but doesn't want all the other realtionship crap. Did she slam another dude on her vacation?? do you know?? Just enjoy the on-call man

TM875

Wow...sounds like a chapter out of my life right about now.

I'm going through the same thing. We're both single, good friends (and were always affectionate), and one night stuff just...happened. Now, I love her as a friend, and I've spent the past week trying to convince myself that that's the only kind that I feel for her. She, likewise, is avoiding me because she feels too strongly for me, and doesn't want to fall in love (might I add that I'm leaving this area in a week).

Anyway, I've found in past relationships that time apart is probably the best, and quickest, way to end feelings for another. It might hurt, but it'll get better. Now, if you want to remain friends, you've got to still stay in her life, but don't stalk her. Call her no more or less than you would any of your guy friends. Hang out once a week. Don't try to seduce her and, for the love of god, don't sleep with her (I know it's tempting, but those kinds of fuck buddy relationships never really end well).

Let's summize, shall we? If you can see yourself, five years down the line, happily attending her wedding (to someone other than you), then you should stay friends. If the thought of that makes you want to rip your innards out, then perhaps you should let her drift out of your life.

__________________
"I've made only one mistake in my life. But I made it over and over and over. That was saying 'yes' when I meant 'no'. Forgive me."

TurbineSlut

Apparently this seems to be the case.

Well not all love is love at first sight is it?

I guess.

But she'd only known me for a week... I mean, hardly much time to get to know someone? Or do you think that you can have a general feeling of how things are gonna work out fairly quickly after meeting someone?

Okay... well, I'll talk to her, but not push it, like absorbentishe said.

No, I'm pretty sure she didn't bang anyone on vacation. But I can't rule it out of course.

The 'on call' was my idea too yesterday after we had our little talk. And I guess thats what happened in the evening after dinner. But then today I realize that us not really having any future toghether depressed me and that I would like to have a relationship with her. In other words I want to do other things toghether with her apart from mind-blowing sex. In this situation I wonder if I can keep the emotions at bay and just be fuckfriends ("on call"), which is a pretty cool situation if you can manage it.

I'll see what happens. Maybe I just have to get used to the idea of the relationship not happening and us being "on call" for eachother. Hehe.

maleficent

Sometimes you either like someone, or you don't, for a romantic relationship, for any kind of relationship, and that is nothing negative about you. It takes time to fall in love, but you know immediately whether or not the potential is there for love for someone.

Two weeks is more than enough time to decide whether a person is right for you or not. Too many people waste months and months with a person they are iffy about and end up in a long term relationship with a person they have no business being in a long term relationship with. If it's not there, it's not there, and that's not saying anything is wrong with you... It's the time, it's the place, it's a combination of things.

Not all women want to get married and settle down, she's 28 and enjoying her life, maybe she just doesn't want to get tied down to one guy.

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Acetylene

I think it is entirely possible for her to decide it's not going to work after 2 weeks, especially with you spending so much time together. I generally know whether I like someone within the first 5 minutes, but sometimes I'll give someone the benefit of the doubt for a while if I think they might be having a bad day or something.

It's possible that she would fall in love with you anyway, because love is hard to resist, but it wouldn't be a good idea. Trust me, I learned the hard way--that kind of "forced" love takes a lot of coddling and will eventually exhaust you.

With that in mind, I would say NO to the on-call relationship. They never end well and someone's heart is always broken, from what I've seen. Plus, they make it difficult to find someone you really want as your real relationship, because the new girl will probably be turned off by your fuckbuddy, plus your lingering feelings will keep you from getting out there and meeting people.

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There's no justice. There's just us.

TurbineSlut

Okay well thanks for all the input people. I guess your input has made me see how maybe she came to her decision. Helps me come to terms with her decision; understand it.

And it has helped me clarify my own feelings about the situation (writing them down helps ).

This is a good way to see it. I guess at the moment I tend towards ripping my innards out, but that will change, I'm sure.

As for the on call relationship. I'll see what happens. I agree that its probably not a good idea because of the hurt feelings, but the temptation might become too big. I don't think it'd be an impediment to any new relationship; we can always stop when and if the new relationship comes along for either of us (yeah it'll be a dissapointment for the other... I realize).

I'm gonna go talk to her tommorow evening. Keep you posted...

roboshark

it's what maleficent said: sometimes you like someone or not, with no logical reason to explain why/why not. There's no rules and guidelines for feelings, nothing that prescribes that one should form conclusions about their feelings for others only after an "incubation" period of x-weeks. It's the *now* that counts, usually. If she don't feel like it, end of story, as harsh as it sounds.

TurbineSlut

Well, I talked to her last night. I asked her if she could put into words why she didn't think it was going to work. She said she wasn't sure she had the feeling that it 'clicked' between us (which I did, btw). But she also said I don't bore her and that she enjoys my company when I'm around.

She said it was probably just having to get used to having a boyfriend again (was single for more than a year). She has an active life doing all sorts of stuff and having to incorporate me into the picture was something to get used to. And sometimes this was annoying, because she wasn't really feeling enthusiastic about us or sure that it was going to click. She said she sometimes felt as if I were "crowding her". Like getting too close too quickly or something.

I explained that I was surprised and dissapointed when she told me that she didn't think it was going to work. I told her I wasn't really 'falling in love' but that it felt for me as if we'd not given it enough time. I told her that I'd had relationships before where it was pretty much love at first sight, and others where I grew into it... and that I felt that ours was of the second kind.

But she said she does want to continue seeing me and didn't feel like she wanted to just stop the relationship and say goodbye. So, we'll see what happens...

TM875

You sure you aren't me? This whole thing sounds very familiar

__________________
"I've made only one mistake in my life. But I made it over and over and over. That was saying 'yes' when I meant 'no'. Forgive me."

TurbineSlut

Thats interesting... so your girl came with the same kind of story?

TM875

Basically. She had just recently broken up with a longterm boyfriend (even though I wouldn't really call what they had a relationship). I had known her for almost a year at that point. She had wanted to date around, and one of those nights she went out with me. After a light dinner, we went back to her apartment and watched some silly romantic movie (one of the scores of films with Hugh Grant...), with me holding her in my arms and us holding hands the whole time. Well, movie ended, room was dark...you get the picture.

Anyway, she started acting weird to me the next few days. This bothered me especially because she is a girl who often does the one night hook-up thing - she is able to spend one night with a person and still be friends with them. I am confused. So I confront her. Basically, she said that she had never felt like that before, especially after only one night together. It scared her, but mostly made her sad because I was leaving. I told her how I felt (that I really did like her, but realized that it was best for both of us if we stayed apart) and that, really, having her as a best friend was far more important to me than having a girlfriend. We left it at - we shall just be friends but, in the future, if she wanted a boyfriend and I was available I would certainly oblige.

I fell harder for her than I thought. She did too, but tried her best to put it to the back of her mind. I knew I wasn't falling in love with her in the romantic sense, but I love her more than anything as my best friend. So, it's like one of those pacts that you see on TV..."if you're not married by the time you're (insert age here), then you're gonna marry me, okay?"

__________________
"I've made only one mistake in my life. But I made it over and over and over. That was saying 'yes' when I meant 'no'. Forgive me."