dendron

Heres the situation I found something my SO said didnt exist so she flat out lied to me. The object in question could embarass the person some I can understand it some but I dont want anything hidden in our relationship. I try to be as open as I can but I just get the feeling that the person keeps hiding things from me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated in the situation. Thx

SuperJay

would first have to ask...

This thing, did you find it by accident or were you looking for it because you suspected something? I use to be very suspicious of all my SOs, but then I realized that it was just making me sick inside so I stopped (not an easy thing to do but worth it in the end). I figure if they want me to know I will know, or it will eventually come out. Sometimes they have a very good reason for hiding things or keeping secrets.

Now, if you just found it. That is a much harder situation. You could approach them with it but that might cause further problems. I would sit down, explain the situation with them and let them know that they can tell you anything and you will be open minded about it. I never told my SO that I wouldn't be mad, but I did tell them that I would at least be open minded about it and try and see it from their point of view. It usually worked out in the end.

Good luck whatever you decide.

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Round and round the shutter'd Square
I stroll'd with the Devil's Arm in mine
No sound but the scrape of his hoofs was there,
And the ring of his laughter and mine.

maleficent

How important is this thing you found out vs how important is your SO to you?

Basically, does knowing what you know, change things between you?

Without knowing what this thing is...
You say you are very open, you have to understand that not everyone is, there's lots of reasons to not to tell somoene something, 1, It's just's none of their business, 2. It might be too painful to talk about. 3. Fear of being judged. 4. It's none of their business -especially if it happened before you were involved.

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pig

Tough to say without more information - with a vague question, I'll give a vague reply.

Pick and choose your battles. As Mal said, if it's really important then handle it by discussing it with the SO. If it's not, let it slide. Put it on that little mental file in the back of your mind, so that when you fuck something up, you can pull out your trump card. At this time, the future argument will no longer be about how you fucked up, but will instead be on how she previously fucked up and how you found out about it. At which time you make some inadvertent means by which you found out, instead of working on it 24/7 like Inspector Gadget, and will have safely averted the discussion of your own transgression.

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phredgreen

if you feel you can't trust her anymore, move on. it's as simple as that. work out your trust issues with her face-to-face or just end it and move on.

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My country is the world, and my religion is to do good.
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analog

i guess it depends on when and how it was denied, too.

I mean, if she said she didn't have _____ but you had just started dating, it may have been too personal (since you said it was embarrassing) to give up that soon into it.

However, if it's something she's repeatedly denied having, and it's really all that important, have a chat about trust. If you can't resolve a trust issue, don't try to carry on without it. You need trust in any relationship.

Aladdin Sane

So what did you find?

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Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

Key

here's the thing. if you DON'T confront her with it, it's going to plant a seed of mistrust. you'll never know WHY she hid it from you, and you will resent her and never have full confidence in her words again. that will be devastating, so you NEED to confront her.

BUT, that doesn't mean accuse her. there could be perfectly good reasons for her hiding it, which is why you shouldn't judge her before you hear her explanation, calmly and without passing judgement.

i caught my ex in a lie once, and it pissed the shit out of me. mostly because it made me realize she was capable of lying to me- which is a huge issue in my book. on top of that, it was lying about a past relationship. i got over it though, when we talked about it. she explained that she didn't tell me because it wasn't relevant and would only cause pain on my behalf. i explained to her that i prefer knowledge over ignorance and bliss anyday. and that from then on, she should be absolutely, bluntly honest, and not try and sugarcoat anything from me. we worked it out, and it was fine.

eventually she hid more things from me for the same reason, she didn't want to hurt me. it eventually caused us to break up.

Kazic

if it bothers you that much. I say bring it up. Don't let things fester in you. You will cause more damage in the end. Just be open to whatever it is she has to tell you. And if she is willing to share then listen first. Ask questions or share your feelings after.

__________________
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affected us as kids,we'd all be running around in
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Flyguy

What'd you find, a dildo that's bigger than your dick?


I don't mean to be an ass but you've got my mind wandering, being in the sexuality fourm and all......

StickODynomite

Communication, communication, communication. Its oh so important. Just talk to her. . .If she doesn't want to talk at first, hint that you know something..

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"The human mind is like a parachute, it works best when open."

Prince

Just because she has a dildo doesn't mean she doesn't enjoy having sex with you. It just means she's a healthy female.

Oh and by the way, people flat out lie all the time. Big whoop. If couples were brutally honest with one another (yeah, your ass does look a lot bigger than when we met), that'd be the end for the species, pretty much.

It's the gravity of the subject matter over which she lied, that counts. Ponder that.

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Who is John Galt?

water_boy1999

It depends on how important the said topic is from keeping from you. Sometimes, when first starting into a relationship, there are things that you don't want the other person to know right away.

However, without a bit more info from you on said subject, it is difficult for us TFPers to make an educated analysis of the situation.

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Doh!!!!


-Homer Simpson

fhqwhgads

Unless it was a body that you found, talk about it and move on.

dirtyrascal7

you said it could be potentially embarassing for them... so why don't you respect the fact that they weren't ready to share that part of their life with you quite yet?

just because you're open and honest with them about everything doesn't mean they have to be, too... and if they aren't then that doesn't automatically mean they shouldn't be trusted. sometimes people simply need more time to warm up to others and find ways to express themselves. don't try to change them, instead try and understand them... by listening to what they DO tell you. the more you listen and the better you listen, the more they'll tell you. i promise.

Gamer90

I look at this sentence and laugh for one reason there were many things I was told when I was a little kid about the Tooth Fairy Santa Clause, lol what did you find that she said didn't exist aliens, Lochness monster, bigfoot?

No seriously don't let it eat you up inside tell her flat out that you caught her lying and if your relationship wanted a strong foundation trust must be its supporting legs. BTW what did you find? Please I realy want to know as do some other people in this thread.

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Taliesin

If the thing turns out to be "her" penis, this could be the thread of the century.

Prince

ROFL!!

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Who is John Galt?

Key

LOL, oh man that's great. fits all the criteria quite nicely, doesn't it

bing bing

Does she know that you've created this thread?

See you're keeping things from her also and no, "but she didn't ask" doesn't count.

timalkin

I'm going to guess that she wasn't a virgin when she said that she was. How close am I?

__________________
Trinity: "What do you need?"

Neo: "Guns. Lots of guns."

-The Matrix

Slauncha Man

Timalkin, that would be something not existing that she said did.

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-Slauncha

Flyguy

Well come on!! What is it already?

timalkin

I'm talking about a first sexual partner.

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Trinity: "What do you need?"

Neo: "Guns. Lots of guns."

-The Matrix

Gamer90

The boogie man!

Fob_Magi

without knowing what it is it's difficult to comment.. i could be way off mark but it almost sounds like your talking bout a vibrator.. if this is the case suck it up and move on... i know you want openess, but think about how embarrassed you would be to tell your mom our whack off.. thats how self conscious alot of women are about thier "other sex life"...

now that was a shot in the dark, but thats just what it seems like you were describing.. if its less serious than that.. then get over it... more serious.. then i cant comment cause i dunno what it is...

__________________
Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward.
Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both.
For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "If I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven".
Such is the Rule of Honor.

dendron

I appreciate all the critizism and it wasnt a vibrator dildo or a penis. It wasnt the virginity issue either. My SO is also keeping things from me on here as well so you can't say that I'm keeping things from her by doing this it was something she said she didnt do or have and she did. She really distant as well she says she wants more space so I give it to her then she complains that I'm not there. I ask her to tell me whats wrong she won't she never wants to talk things out. I love her more than my own life but she needs to communicate with me. I need to know what I'm doing wrong she gave me a couple things and I worked on them. I just wish she would tell me what she wants I cant be in a relationship with no trust or with no communication. I would really appreciate some more helpful advise.

maleficent

Trust is not something that's given, it's earned. Show her you can be trusted.

Don't push her to talk about things if she's not ready to, she will come to you when she's ready.

Some people just find it very difficult to talk about what's on their mind, whether it be fear of being judged, of shocking you, of anything -- real or imagined. Just asking someone to tell you something isn't enough.

Trust and communication go hand in hand. Just because you find it easy to talk about what's on your mind, doesn't mean everyone else does. But you know that.

Next time you think something's bothering her... consider your actions...
If she says nothing's wrong, or that she doesn't want to talk about it -- Respect that and just say whenever she is ready you are available to listen, that you love her and don't want to see her hurting. THEN DROP IT.
She'll talk when she's ready -- I hate being pressured to talk - makes me clam up more....

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Fallon

A little piece of advise that i learned in college, love yourself first, then love someone else. If you don't love yourself, then you'll have issues with loving someone else. Also, I'm betting you feeling of being "complete" relies on her. Don't let that be. She has a power over you either knowingly or unknowingly.
I would personally say to her, "I know you are having some problems right now and I want you to know that I care for you/love you very much and want to see you happy so if you would like to talk about it, I am here for you."
If she continues to not communicate after a few days, I would let her know that I was feeling dissappointed that she still seemed to be confused/withdrawn/whatever and start pulling myself away from the situation, if it still continues, that'd be my cue to be out the door.

dendron

I think she might be attempting to cheat in one way or another organizing and talking about it online. What can I do if I don't trust her. I just don't know what I'd do without her.

maleficent

Are your feelings of distrust of her real, or imagined, because she doesn't open up to you.

Don't think the worst unless you have proof.

Trust her, show her you trust her, until you have reason to not trust her anymore.

------------

But, if you don't feel you can get past this, then it's impossible to have a real relationship unless trust is there. You will be just fine without her. She is not responsible for giving you your life, you are responsible for that. Don't be so dependent on her, depend on yourself. Get out and do stuff for you, because you want to do them.

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teethman

set up a spy program thing on her computer. then you can see what she does. if you think thats wrong to do or whatever, just never tell her about it. if you find out that she is cheating then you have the upper hand. now go find one of those things.

maleficent

NO NO NO NO NO and NO

You are kidding right?

1. I'm not sure of the legality of it, it's not his computer, they don't live together
2. It's a huge invasion of privacy.
3. It's just wrong.

How do you talk to her? What makes you think that she is planning on cheating, what makes you think that?

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Rlyss

Don't spy on her computer. It's an act of distrust. If you claim you can't trust her, and then spy on her computer, then it proves she can't trust you either. And if the two of you don't trust each other then mate, you don't have a relationship. You may be able to tell all your friends 'Yeah! She was cheating!', but it means you're both as bad as each other.

Be wary, but trust your partner. I believe you should trust them (once that trust is earned and your relationship is serious) and then, like maleficent says, don't act on anything but proof. If you start being distrustful because of your imagination then it'll only go downhill, and you'l be consumed with finding evidence to back up what is most likely just in your imagination.

Be wary, and if you do have evidence then confront her with it, and decide from there.

gar1976

Worst....idea....ever....

If it comes down to this, just end it. Been with my wife for, jeez, 11 years or so, and let me say the unconditional trust is PRICELESS. More important than anything else, personally. And if you find yourself stooping to this, or won't believe her later in the relationship, you might was well end it now.

Otherwise, there's always going to be nagging doubts.......and who wants that?

dendron

whenever shes talking to certain guys she doesnt like me to watch at all and she asked me if she could go watch a movie with some friends because one of the guy friends asked what do you think about that.

Captain Nemo

I would say that irregardless of what she is doing, you have zero faith (repeat zero faith) in this girl. IMHO, this more than likely stems from a lack of confidence on your part. As Fallon said, you need to look to yourself first. Never set yourself up for a fall by relying on someone else to be your emotional foundation.

maleficent

Do you like having someone eavesdrop or read over your shoulder when you are talking/chatting with someone? In a relationship, a person is entitled to a certain degree of privacy, and if you trust that person, you have nothing to worry about.

It honestly sounds like you are looking for stuff that's wrong, or reasons not to trust her.

Maybe a break from each other is what you need, just to sort out how you really feel.

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Zegel

Sounds to me like you have a lack of trust in her which stems from her lack of communication with you which is coming from the fact that you are desperately in love with her (note: desperate is not a good thing), and thus trying to find tons ways to do things differently and "save" the relationship (read: not being yourself, the person she fell in love with in the first place).

That's just my humble observation from what you've written. It could be wrong, it could be right... every relationship varies quite a bit, but most of them follow the same rules.

One of the tricky parts to understand is that her problems communicating to you may be caused by you - not her. She may be unwilling to communicate because she is upset that you dont trust her enough, and as such doesnt think that it is fair that she has to reassure you of something that she shouldnt not have to. At the same time, you dont trust her because she does not communicate. Fix the root of the problem - stop being so controlling about the communication and her faith in your trust will start rebuilding.

The harder part to understand is that although your heart is in the right place, it is very easy to take things too far when all you do is listen to the pounding of blood. To much love can and will smother a relationship, especially in it's early stages. If she feels that you are desperate and that your life is revolving around hers, she may be overwhelmed. Even the strongest fires need air to breath.

Simple advise: try to be yourself more, hopefully she fell in love with you for who you are. Good luck.

dendron

she says that she wants me to be who I was and just let her go do what she wants to do with whoever so I'm just gonna let her go trust her until she gives me a reason not to then its over plz anymore info is appreciated