tarman

Hi all. Another new guy here.

I'm sorry in advance if this has been done a million times before but I really feel the need to get it off my chest. I've also seen some of the great advice thats been given out and hope to recieve the same here.

I'm in a bit of a predicament. You see, I met this girl a year ago and we just sort of clicked. At least I believe we did. We did just about everything together and I felt like I could tell her anything about myself. A feeling I was just really new to. I know I loved her and I know she loved me. I honestly believe that our feelings for each other are true. It may sound silly... but I do believe that she's the one. I thought things were going great until she told me she needed some time to work on herself. I wish I could say I was supportive of her decision but I was just so afraid of losing her to someone else so.. I kept pushing for something more. Something I regret to this day. She later told me that she didn't feel the same way about me anymore(because of all the pushing) and that all she wanted now was to be friends, something I didn't take very well. We remained friends but it was really awkward for me because I still felt the same way about her. And so months passed.

She recently revealed that she never really stopped loving me and the reason why she said she didn't love me was because she just wanted to do what she thought was right for me. Did I mention that she also fell in love with someone else during the months? She thinks that it was a bad idea to tell me about it but I'm sort of glad she did. You can't leave anything to chance, right?She still loves him and remains to be in that relationship and I think she still loves me( she won't really tell me if she does or not anymore because of the whole it was bad to tell you how I feel part). I'm not exactly sure where I stand with her now. I'm pretty much at a loss here. I still love her more than anything and she means the world to me but if she doesn't feel the same way then what am I supposed to do?

thoughts? advice? questions?

p.s. im sorry if im not making much sense. i blame sleep deprivation

iamnormal

Are you a writer? Anyone else think what he wrote flowed well?

Back on subject. She was probley messing around with the other guy when you two was twogetter. Now she finds out the grass wasn't greener and wants to come back. Just a guess.

Roark

Curious if you've seen anyone since she left or hadn't really pursued anyone due to stil having strong feelings for her? My suggestion would be to let it go and move on. Coming to you saying she still loves you, but I also still loves the guy she's with and that she has no plans to end that relationship seems to me more of a mind game to keep you at arms reach when it doesnt work out because you're safe so to speak.

Don't get me wrong, you should be there for her but as a friend. If she keeps on with the "I still love you.." stuff, myself i'd have to say something about it and if she continued then really i'd have to go my seperate way after awhile. Makes it hard for you to move on and in the end could end the friendship.

Who knows down the road you guys may hook back up if it's meant to be, but i'd suggest time for you to clear your head of her. Different experiences & relationships you have throughout life only help you to bring more to the table and make it that much better when you do finally find the right one.

tarman

Do I sense sarcasm?

Also, I know for sure that she wouldn't do that.

I haven't seen anyone since then even though I've had a chance to a few times. You're dead on with the strong feelings. I just feel like I can't see anyone else because it just wouldn't be the same.

skysooner

Speaking from long experience here.

It is time to move on for at least a little while. Don't do it looking backwards (towards your relationship with her) either. Much of life not only has to do with feelings but timing. Her "time off" to work on herself is a bit suspicious to me. It sounds like she was having some thoughts about the relationship and wanted to date around. Relationships are not only built on your feelings for each other but communication and the maturity to handle it. It sounds to me like you guys aren't quite at the great communication stage yet (maybe due to her maturity or both of yours). This could work itself out over time. The best thing to do is just let her go and do her own thing. If it so happens that circumstances allow you to get back together later, great, but the danger in this is that you guys already have an established pattern in your relationship. It is awfully difficult to break the mold and learn new behaviors. It is possible, but you both must work at it or it will fail.

From my own experience, going back to an old relationship just never worked. However we both made the mistakes I mentioned above. In my own long marriage now, we have had parts where we both wanted out (early on) since we weren't communicating as well as we should. However, in a marriage, it just isn't as easy to "leave" and we both always really loved each other. We worked it out and developed new patterns of communication that have served us well over the last 8 years or so.

doncalypso

No offense intended, son, but I think she played you.

That whole bullshit about her needing time to "work on herself" was a lame excuse for her to tell you to take a hike. And your persistance in trying to get something more out of it only served to make matters worse.

That woman never loved you... she only said so to feed your ego and lull you into a false sense of security. Trust me, son... you're much better off without her, so do yourself a favor and keep her out of your mind.

I apologize if I sound too harsh and cruel, but the truth is that you weren't enough of a challenge to her, and women are turned off by men who don't offer a challenge.

__________________
Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

Eclipse26

I'm not sure how fair that is to say when we don't have her side as well.

I know that I did this myself not long ago because I just had too much on my plate. I was undergoing counseling for some trauma and it felt like there was way too much pressure coming from the person I was with. Pressure for more than I could give at the time. He couldn't deal well with the emotional ups and downs I was having and I eventually broke things off with that exact premise. I needed to work on myself and get it together before I could add value to any relationship.

So...I dunno. Do you think she played you...or did she have genuine stuff going on?

__________________
What the damn

tarman

I think the take a hike part rings true but I'm not so sure about needing time to work on herself being bullshit. She really had a few things going on and I just wasn't being very supportive of her.

Seeing as how you were in a similar situation you might be able to help me some. Do you think things could have worked out had they just talked about it or would they have gone south anyway? Do you still love him? And finally, where is he now?

Eclipse26

I think that over time things would have eventually gone south regardless. I had too much to deal with and wasn't focusing on a relationship with him in the same way he was with me.

I still have feelings for him, but that doesn't mean we should be together. It hurts me sometimes because I really do care, but I realize that you can love someone and not be with them simply because it wouldn't work.

He's still around and someone I consider a very good friend. I feel bad that I hurt him and after reading what you've said...I realize I must exercise caution with him. I'm with someone else now and I know that has to be painful for him, but I think he understands that I'm just trying to find happiness...the same as everyone else.

__________________
What the damn

Ustwo

Ding, ding, ding, my thoughts exactly on all points.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Skettios

Whenever I read something like this, where I hear about a relationship, but I don't hear about anything physical, I wonder what kind of relationship it was to begin with.

Son, were you gettin any? Not to be crass, but it changes the whole dynamic of the relationship. By gettin any, I mean, anything past making out. Cuddling doesn't count.

No matter what you need to get over your 'one-itis'. She's not the only girl in the world, and your relationship will be much healthier if you keep that in mind.

If this girl can keep your attention, and spend time with the other guy, she's going to. Don't get made the fool by some girl, it's not worth it.

__________________
Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.

Frederich Nietzsche

:::OshnSoul:::

If you love them, respect them, let them go. If it's meant to be, it will work out. All things happen for a reason. You did what you did with purpose, don't regret it or beat yourself over it. Move on.

tarman

So I've been talking to her in the past few days and I'm pretty sure that whatever she was feeling about me has dwindled to nothing. Don't really know how I feel about anything right now. I understand that she may not be the only girl in the world, but I'm quite certain that she's the only one I will feel that way for. I don't know how to explain it because it certainly doesn't sound logical. I'd really like to stay her friend but then I know as long as I feel this way I'm not sure if thats possible. I just wish there was some way I could show her how much I truly do love her. Would that change anything? Probably not. I'm certainly not making things easy on her. I'm in a constant state of turmoil and pretty much hassling her to do something. What it is I'm hassling her to do even I don't know. She loves him more. And thats all she wrote. Life goes on.

I really appreciate the feedback I've gotten so far and ask that if you have any more words to add, please do so.

[/ramblings of a madman]

iamnormal

I wasn't being sarcastic. I like how you write but I am messed up in the head.

tarman

I'm just highly cynical. No offense intended.

Who isn't?

End User

Nothings certain but death and taxes. The population of the world, as at 5:35pm Australian Eastern Standard Time was: 6,360,103,309. Surely you can find someone else.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, then it was meant to be. Otherwise, meh. Move on, or you will ruin the rest of your life moping. My $0.02

__________________
People who have no faults are terrible!

destinedone

I had a two year relationship with my ex and it ended with her deciding that she needed time to find herself. She wanted me to remain as a friend and I did. For the first few months I tryed continously to get back with her. She told me she still loved me. Wondering why we couldn't work with whatever she was going through together. It did nothing but annoyed her, for I believe she felt that I was not respecting her wishes. I tried to remain her friend, hoping for the day that she'll return to me...but it was just too painful, the most pain I had ever felt in my entire life. It went on for awhile until I could no longer bare it, I silently went away without saying goodbye and never contacted her again. It was by far very difficult to get over her and it has been a year now and I'm unsure if I see her again now would I still have feelings. I try to put the situation in a different perspective, if it really was meant to be then perhaps in the future it might happen. I'm not throwing the love i have for her away, simply setting it aside because the timing is not right.

I understand that it is very hard for you especially since she did say that she still loved you, something that prevents closure. Give yourself some time, it'll heal..that's my promise to you. When you break up with someone you have great feelings for, you usually dont want anyone else but really there will be other girls out there for you. Relationships are just apart of the experiences we get in life.

If you need something to get your mind off, I can suggest weightlifting. It'll rebuild your confidence and it is a great antidepressant. I hope you feel better and wish you the best.

hossified

let me guess....you are either in highschool or early college??? This sounds like the first true love...that goes bad......and leaves one person a torn mess. Move on dude.....it's tough......go rent the movie 'swingers' and watch it like 4 times....you'll get it..... And if you are worried that she was the only one or true love....just wait and see what comes along next...it will only be better!!!

wraith41

She comes and says "I love you and do really have feelings for you....I'm going out with Brett now though, call me later."

Shes just keeping you around as an ego boost and as a backup if and when things go south for her relationship, or when she needs something done that her current BF won't do for her (moving, shopping, whatever)

Move on, dude. Take some "me" time and forget about her. Don't fall for any tricks when she realizes you're not wrapped around her pinky anymore

World's King

Okay... my girl (pictured to the left) said the same thing to me. "I just can't do this right now. I'm very busy with my own life and I don't have time for you and it's not fair for me to drag you through all this."

I flipped shit. It's not an easy thing to go through. Goin' from the most important person or thing in someone's life to a pile of shit that they toss aside.

All I can say is... If you have the will power you need to run away. Anyone that needs to "take a break" was never there in the first place. See, I don't have the will power so I'm still pushing. Don't be like me. Find someone better.

__________________
heavy is the head that wears the crown

water_boy1999

I feel your pain. I have had the same "i'm so busy", "I need time to work on myself", "I still love only you" excuses too many times. I used to not take the hint. Now I do. They are trying to save you the emotional trauma by letting you off easy. It never works that way. If she truly loved you and wanted to see things through with you, she would find a way to make it work.

My last girlfriend I was truly head over heals in love with. She was also going to law school. A few months of hot and heavy soon dwindles to those same excuses aforementioned. She told me that "when I do have time to date, I ONLY want to date you." Yet, she found tme on weekends to go wakeboarding with other guys on their boats, go on weekend ski trips with her girlfriends, and out almost every night of the week she wasn't studying. To top it off, we were still sleeping with each other for a few months after she broke it off...I thought I was still in her life but I wasn't. She was fucking someone else as well and wasn't being straightforward with me.

I say move on. It hurts bro, but you are better than that.

__________________
Doh!!!!


-Homer Simpson

tarman

I am gonna say that that is the worst feeling in the world. It's right up there with getting your testicles gnawed off by a tiger.

tkkfan

lmao

__________________
I can't believe I ate the whole thing!

Johnny Rotten

Pacing is everything. If you go too slow, things can get stuck in a rut of casualness and never get out. Try to go to too fast, and you can turn her off.
And sometimes a girl needs a nudge or gentle push to get on the dance floor in the first place. If you don't ask her to dance, she's not likely to walk over and ask you first. Very rarely do people go from hugging to kissing without someone making the first move. So I think she liked you, but never got asked onto the dance floor, and got asked by someone else. Unlike the dancing analogy, you usually don't get more than one chance, or two chances close together, to make that nudge. And the longer you wait, the less interested she gets. Next time, make the move.

Sometimes you really won't know if it's the right time or place, and then she'll surprise you with some steamy, lip-locking goodness. Speaking from recent experience, too.

__________________
"The idea that money doesn't buy you happiness is a lie put about by the rich, to stop the poor from killing them." -- Michael Caine

teph

I agree with a few of the posts here so far.

First, she probably played you, yeah. Similar thing happened to me about two months ago.

Though a similar thing also happened to me about a year ago, and that was a little different. Figured out that she was trying to use me as a backup and kept urging me on to keep me hanging while she figured out whether or not her current relationship was a dead stick.

Either way, I'd get out. Stop talking to her and move on.

Oh, and King's exactly right - going from everything to nothing in a couple second's time has a crushing effect. My last one sent me into a lovely little depression that has now left me trying to fix everything that I let go wrong while I was in it.

Love's a wonderful thing.

(Actually, I'd say that I'm just a lucky guy to have dated these bitches. Love, when you find it, is really quite incredible.)