I need some worldly advice... - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

emotes · 10-02-2003, 01:50 AM

My fiancée and I have been together for 7 years and got engaged within the last year and a half. Shortly after the engagement she had a health issue come up which was very stressful for her, as well as for us. The health issue lasted for about six months, the emotional toll of the health issue lasted for about a good year.

Now, it's been five months since both the health and emotional issue are clear and out of the way BUT the sexual passion of the relationship is gone. Totally gone. This is not a question of love, I have no doubt that I love her. It just so happens that I am no longer attracted to her since the health issues. Yes we have sex, sure it can be fun BUT it's nothing like what it used to be (before the medical issue), it's not as frequent and I am no where near into it as I used to be.

We've talked about this issue - we've tried to address it but the sexual spark seems to be gone and no matter what we try it just doesn't want to come back. I think the biggest part is that the medical issue caused a different side of her to come out - a side I did not like. Now that it's under control I cannot get the "bad" experience out of my head. It's almost like I know the demon that is living just below the surface.

Now the advice...

Is this normal? To be truthful, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone (*EVEN THOUGH I LOVE THEM*) if I do not desire them. Can anyone share thoughts / comments / advice / experiences?

Thanks,
Emotes

mrquackers · 10-02-2003, 02:56 AM

After seven years, it's not unusual to have the 'spark' in any romance fade, though it sounds like you've definitely got extinuating circumstances. In all honesty - and this isn't meant as a dig in any way - it sounds like a professional counselor would be worth your while here. He or she might help you better deal with the issues that are disturbing you about this side of your fiancee.

Marriage is hard enough - and you don't want to go into it thinking you'll be miserable in certain aspects of your life. Sounds like you're doing a good job of talking to your fiancee, but this is your issue and she can't be held responsible for how you feel.

onetime2 · 10-02-2003, 04:54 AM

You can't totally judge someone based on responses to extreme stress. Just because she acted a certain way when she was scared, confused, and possibly feeling alone it doesn't mean that she would act the same way in the future.

I went through a very similar situation this year and I could have easily said forget it, it's not worth it, but all the good times and the great things about my girlfriend kept me from giving up. We are far closer now than we have ever been and we will soon get engaged. Continue to communicate with her and give it time if you really want to spend the rest of your life with her.

You don't detail what it was that has turned you off to her. You also need to take some blame in this since the way you act/react plays a big part in how she acts/reacts. It's not easy and it will take a lot of work on both your parts. The payoff could be huge if you find that it has brought you closer together. The other side of it is you may find out that your relationship can't be fixed. Better to find out now before you get married than 20 years down the road after resentment/anger grows to hatred.

vveronica · 10-02-2003, 07:44 AM

Well here is my worthless opinion... As the others stated, medical problems add terrible stress to a relationship on both sides and I also agree after seven years the hi powered attraction tends to slip. A suggestion is to go away someplace together. Some place remote and take nothing that even slightly reminds you both of the past problems. Change perfumes, dress, and do not go on a budget....! Even if money is tight you need to be free to recapture what was lost.... It will be worth it and you will come back in love again or you both know the magic is gone...

homerhop · 10-02-2003, 08:48 AM

I have been with my gf for the last 9 years.We have gone through some tough times for the both of us.
I have gone from a very active outdoor lifestyle to one where I am limited to level ground. She had to endure 1 year of me not being able to get aroud much, put up with the mood swings and see my whole attitude towards life change.
I have watched her fall to pieces while she looked at her mother die from cancer. This ripped her heart out and I think a piece of her died too.
As with all things in life they change, as a couple we have had to move with these things and adjust to them. Sure we both went through our phases of is it worth it, and the "you have changed".

I would say when we both look at each other now we dont see what we did all those years back, it has become something deeper, more of a need for each other. We dont get to see each other that much during the week due to our work, and life seems lacking when we are appart. Yet we can sit in a room and not speak to each other. It is just being together makes us at ease.
We have just bought our first home and will be moved in by christmas. we are both looking at this as a new beginning and are very excited about it.
So in a round about way I guess I am saying that you both have changed , but give it time it will be well worth it.

emotes · 10-02-2003, 10:18 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by onetime2
You can't totally judge someone based on responses to extreme stress. Just because she acted a certain way when she was scared, confused, and possibly feeling alone it doesn't mean that she would act the same way in the future.

Actually, I disagree with this comment - The extreme stress brought an underlying mental health issue (a.k.a chemical imbalance) to the surface.

There were always hints of the mental health issue before the medical issue, but the medical issue threw it in her face and said "you now need to deal with me". The extreme stress caused the chemical imbalance to really show it's true form --- which is what her true form would then really be.

She is seeing a Psych and is on meds to control that, and it is working for the most part.

emotes · 10-02-2003, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by mrquackers
it sounds like a professional counselor would be worth your while here. He or she might help you better deal with the issues that are disturbing you about this side of your fiancee.

but this is your issue and she can't be held responsible for how you feel.

1) We are already seeing a counselor :-)

2) Agreed. I'm not holding her responsible.

Queen Dido · 10-02-2003, 11:47 AM

The timeline makes this issues particularly tricky. While all stereotypes are false, they also have some grain of truth that got them started. This is true with the 7-year itch. My boyfriend (now hubby) and I lived together for .... coincidence ... 7 1/2 years before deciding to get married.

The sever year itch had set in. While we didn't have problems, the "spark" just wasn't there. After going over and over the problem, we decided that the basis for a permanent relationship was indeed there and took the plunge. That was 16 years ago!

You'll note that I never commented on the "medical issue." I can't -- I don't know what it was and probably have no similar experience anyway. What I can see in common, however, is the time together. Even without medical issues, after 7 or so years, it is time to go somewhere new. Maybe, just maybe, the issue isn't medical at all. For us, it turned out to be deciding between marriage with the additional commitment or new partners. We chose marriage.... and we're still together.

Is life (and sex) perfect? No. Do I regret our decision for a moment? Not on you life.

Good luck!

skysooner · 10-02-2003, 12:22 PM

I agree with the 7-year thing. For my wife and I, it happened at around 6 years just due to circumstances. We were just about to have our first child (sex was at a low), and her mother had just died. We went to the brink of divorce before we decided that life apart was too painful. We made a renewed commitment to each other. While we still have lulls in the relationship, it is generally pretty intense, and I can say I can't imagine spending my life with someone else. I had the same issues with not finding her sexually attractive, etc., but once I got my emotional feelings for her straightened out it really blossomed. On the television show Ed last night, Ed's best friend was talking to his wife about their sex life after years of marriage. They had sex 22 times the previous year and were headed for 19 in the current year. My wife and I figured out we have sex approximately 100-120 times a year after 12 years of marriage, so things can't be all bad.

KnifeMissile · 10-02-2003, 02:12 PM

Well, having not gone through anythng even remotely close to this, I will now give my opinion. Take it for what it's worth...

You've already decided you don't want to marry her and you're looking for some kind of validation from this group. Is it unfair to call-off the wedding because of a medical condition that's beyond her control? Maybe... Is it unfair to marry someone you don't want to marry? Yes. If you don't want to go through with it, you shouldn't, for both your sakes.
In answer to your question, "Is this normal?" The answer is irrelevant. Whether it's normal or not, this is how you feel, and you can't ignore that. You are doing no one any favours by marrying someone you don't want to marry.

Good luck!

emotes · 10-02-2003, 04:19 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by KnifeMissle
You've already decided you don't want to marry her and you're looking for some kind of validation from this group.

Not at all. I've decided I don't want to be in a marriage that have no sexual desire. If this is a normal ebb and flow and the issues of life got in the way - hey it's new to me.... - so I want to know others experience.

As far as validation goes - I don't need peer support, i'm my own person.

toxic515 · 10-02-2003, 04:27 PM

beware of entering into a contract you are not comfortable with. Postpone the wedding until things are ready, or walk away. Integrity is follow through on values, identify your values here, and follow through. a 7 year relationship can be, without question, a thing to value, but always remember that your ultimate value is your life. Your life is an end to itself, not a means to an end. Living it in a contract you will be likely to break is not reasonable. Either make this a contract you will want to stay in, or don't make the commitment.

Johnny Rotten · 10-02-2003, 10:37 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by emotes
1) We are already seeing a counselor :-)

2) Agreed. I'm not holding her responsible.

I hate to rain on a parade, but if you're going to counseling and you're not even married yet...you may want to take a long, hard look at who you want to be with for the rest of your life.

clavus · 10-03-2003, 02:41 PM

Walk away. It will hurt, but not as bad or as long as the messed-up marriage will hurt.

I'm not trying to be mean, just honest.

You can love someone deeply and passionately, but that doesn't mean you should marry them.

analog · 10-03-2003, 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Johnny Rotten
I hate to rain on a parade, but if you're going to counseling and you're not even married yet...you may want to take a long, hard look at who you want to be with for the rest of your life.

Absolutely. I can't imagine going to a counselor when you're not even married- or even if you are, and don't have any kids. What's the fucking point? I can see if you have kids and want to make it work for their sake, more power to you. please do- but where it's you, her, and the 4 walls, suck it up and fix it or kill it.

wry1 · 10-04-2003, 08:43 AM

If you're already doing what you can (seeing a counselor) and things aren't getting any better, then you really need to reevaluate the relationship and your views on where it is headed.

Like you said, you are your own person; however, it is you who has the problem here. As you have stated in a few entries, you cannot get past your perceptions of her altered personality. If you're constantly reminded of this "down-side" every time you look at her, think of her, talk to her or do anything else regarding her, then it's fairly clear that you are either unwilling or unable to get around that sticking-point.

Work some more with the counselor, and then either fish or cut bait.

motdakasha · 10-04-2003, 02:36 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by emotes
Not at all. I've decided I don't want to be in a marriage that have no sexual desire. If this is a normal ebb and flow and the issues of life got in the way - hey it's new to me.... - so I want to know others experience.

This is usually the make or break for long-term relationships. Either you learn to adapt and live with the changes, or it doesn't work out. It sounds like you have the capacity to make it work.

Quote:

Originally posted by Johnny Rotten
I hate to rain on a parade, but if you're going to counseling and you're not even married yet...you may want to take a long, hard look at who you want to be with for the rest of your life.

A lot of people could benefit from seeing a counselor even if they're not married, even if they're sane.

exiled in time · 10-04-2003, 10:37 PM

Emote,

I can't even begin to understand your story since I don't know you, but I do have firsthand experience with chemical imbalances. I prefer to just call it what it is whether depression, bi-polar, whatever. Our society is scared to death of people that have these medical conditions. Mainly because we don't understand them. I was the same exact way before I discovered I was bi-polar. It's been 4 years since my initial manic episode, which is something that I, nor my wife that witnessed it will ever forget. It lasted for about a week, the last night landed me in the hospital. I was fortunate and got excellent treatment and taking 2 pink pills a day keeps me functioning just fine. It also helped that I've been married for 23 years. My wife and family stood by me, and today I live a normal life. I do have to deal with it daily, but usually no more than taking my meds. My wife got the education she needed to understand my disorder, and our sex life has actually been better since that time.

My advice, if you can't see yourself dealing with this "till death do us part", then end it now and give HER a chance to find someone that can. She will need all the support and love she can get. Good luck.

Regards

10-02-2003, 01:50 AM	#1 (permalink)
emotes Upright Location: Ohio	I need some worldly advice... My fiancée and I have been together for 7 years and got engaged within the last year and a half. Shortly after the engagement she had a health issue come up which was very stressful for her, as well as for us. The health issue lasted for about six months, the emotional toll of the health issue lasted for about a good year. Now, it's been five months since both the health and emotional issue are clear and out of the way BUT the sexual passion of the relationship is gone. Totally gone. This is not a question of love, I have no doubt that I love her. It just so happens that I am no longer attracted to her since the health issues. Yes we have sex, sure it can be fun BUT it's nothing like what it used to be (before the medical issue), it's not as frequent and I am no where near into it as I used to be. We've talked about this issue - we've tried to address it but the sexual spark seems to be gone and no matter what we try it just doesn't want to come back. I think the biggest part is that the medical issue caused a different side of her to come out - a side I did not like. Now that it's under control I cannot get the "bad" experience out of my head. It's almost like I know the demon that is living just below the surface. Now the advice... Is this normal? To be truthful, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone (EVEN THOUGH I LOVE THEM) if I do not desire them. Can anyone share thoughts / comments / advice / experiences? Thanks, Emotes

10-02-2003, 02:56 AM	#2 (permalink)
mrquackers Exhausted Location: Northeastern US - please send help!	After seven years, it's not unusual to have the 'spark' in any romance fade, though it sounds like you've definitely got extinuating circumstances. In all honesty - and this isn't meant as a dig in any way - it sounds like a professional counselor would be worth your while here. He or she might help you better deal with the issues that are disturbing you about this side of your fiancee. Marriage is hard enough - and you don't want to go into it thinking you'll be miserable in certain aspects of your life. Sounds like you're doing a good job of talking to your fiancee, but this is your issue and she can't be held responsible for how you feel. __________________ "If you're walking on thin ice, you may as well go ahead and dance."

10-02-2003, 04:54 AM	#3 (permalink)
onetime2 Junkie Location: NJ	You can't totally judge someone based on responses to extreme stress. Just because she acted a certain way when she was scared, confused, and possibly feeling alone it doesn't mean that she would act the same way in the future. I went through a very similar situation this year and I could have easily said forget it, it's not worth it, but all the good times and the great things about my girlfriend kept me from giving up. We are far closer now than we have ever been and we will soon get engaged. Continue to communicate with her and give it time if you really want to spend the rest of your life with her. You don't detail what it was that has turned you off to her. You also need to take some blame in this since the way you act/react plays a big part in how she acts/reacts. It's not easy and it will take a lot of work on both your parts. The payoff could be huge if you find that it has brought you closer together. The other side of it is you may find out that your relationship can't be fixed. Better to find out now before you get married than 20 years down the road after resentment/anger grows to hatred. __________________ Strive to be more curious than ignorant.

10-02-2003, 07:44 AM	#4 (permalink)
vveronica Psycho Location: northern california	Well here is my worthless opinion... As the others stated, medical problems add terrible stress to a relationship on both sides and I also agree after seven years the hi powered attraction tends to slip. A suggestion is to go away someplace together. Some place remote and take nothing that even slightly reminds you both of the past problems. Change perfumes, dress, and do not go on a budget....! Even if money is tight you need to be free to recapture what was lost.... It will be worth it and you will come back in love again or you both know the magic is gone... __________________ ...We find ourselves in a struggle for our very right to exsist... We will not go quietly into the night... We will not give up without a fight...

10-02-2003, 08:48 AM	#5 (permalink)
homerhop Insane Location: ÉIRE	I have been with my gf for the last 9 years.We have gone through some tough times for the both of us. I have gone from a very active outdoor lifestyle to one where I am limited to level ground. She had to endure 1 year of me not being able to get aroud much, put up with the mood swings and see my whole attitude towards life change. I have watched her fall to pieces while she looked at her mother die from cancer. This ripped her heart out and I think a piece of her died too. As with all things in life they change, as a couple we have had to move with these things and adjust to them. Sure we both went through our phases of is it worth it, and the "you have changed". I would say when we both look at each other now we dont see what we did all those years back, it has become something deeper, more of a need for each other. We dont get to see each other that much during the week due to our work, and life seems lacking when we are appart. Yet we can sit in a room and not speak to each other. It is just being together makes us at ease. We have just bought our first home and will be moved in by christmas. we are both looking at this as a new beginning and are very excited about it. So in a round about way I guess I am saying that you both have changed , but give it time it will be well worth it. __________________ its evolution baby Last edited by homerhop; 10-02-2003 at 08:56 AM..

10-02-2003, 11:47 AM	#8 (permalink)
Queen Dido Upright Location: Vancouver, CA	The timeline makes this issues particularly tricky. While all stereotypes are false, they also have some grain of truth that got them started. This is true with the 7-year itch. My boyfriend (now hubby) and I lived together for .... coincidence ... 7 1/2 years before deciding to get married. The sever year itch had set in. While we didn't have problems, the "spark" just wasn't there. After going over and over the problem, we decided that the basis for a permanent relationship was indeed there and took the plunge. That was 16 years ago! You'll note that I never commented on the "medical issue." I can't -- I don't know what it was and probably have no similar experience anyway. What I can see in common, however, is the time together. Even without medical issues, after 7 or so years, it is time to go somewhere new. Maybe, just maybe, the issue isn't medical at all. For us, it turned out to be deciding between marriage with the additional commitment or new partners. We chose marriage.... and we're still together. Is life (and sex) perfect? No. Do I regret our decision for a moment? Not on you life. Good luck! __________________ Carthage Rules! - Queen Dido

10-02-2003, 12:22 PM	#9 (permalink)
skysooner Registered User Location: Oklahoma	I agree with the 7-year thing. For my wife and I, it happened at around 6 years just due to circumstances. We were just about to have our first child (sex was at a low), and her mother had just died. We went to the brink of divorce before we decided that life apart was too painful. We made a renewed commitment to each other. While we still have lulls in the relationship, it is generally pretty intense, and I can say I can't imagine spending my life with someone else. I had the same issues with not finding her sexually attractive, etc., but once I got my emotional feelings for her straightened out it really blossomed. On the television show Ed last night, Ed's best friend was talking to his wife about their sex life after years of marriage. They had sex 22 times the previous year and were headed for 19 in the current year. My wife and I figured out we have sex approximately 100-120 times a year after 12 years of marriage, so things can't be all bad.

10-02-2003, 02:12 PM	#10 (permalink)
KnifeMissile Location: Waterloo, Ontario	Well, having not gone through anythng even remotely close to this, I will now give my opinion. Take it for what it's worth... You've already decided you don't want to marry her and you're looking for some kind of validation from this group. Is it unfair to call-off the wedding because of a medical condition that's beyond her control? Maybe... Is it unfair to marry someone you don't want to marry? Yes. If you don't want to go through with it, you shouldn't, for both your sakes. In answer to your question, "Is this normal?" The answer is irrelevant. Whether it's normal or not, this is how you feel, and you can't ignore that. You are doing no one any favours by marrying someone you don't want to marry. Good luck!

10-02-2003, 04:27 PM	#12 (permalink)
toxic515 Addict Location: Texas	beware of entering into a contract you are not comfortable with. Postpone the wedding until things are ready, or walk away. Integrity is follow through on values, identify your values here, and follow through. a 7 year relationship can be, without question, a thing to value, but always remember that your ultimate value is your life. Your life is an end to itself, not a means to an end. Living it in a contract you will be likely to break is not reasonable. Either make this a contract you will want to stay in, or don't make the commitment. __________________ Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

10-03-2003, 02:41 PM	#14 (permalink)
clavus pow! Location: NorCal	Walk away. It will hurt, but not as bad or as long as the messed-up marriage will hurt. I'm not trying to be mean, just honest. You can love someone deeply and passionately, but that doesn't mean you should marry them. __________________ Ass, gas or grass. Nobody rides for free.

10-04-2003, 08:43 AM	#16 (permalink)
wry1 Loser Location: Far too far from my Angel....	If you're already doing what you can (seeing a counselor) and things aren't getting any better, then you really need to reevaluate the relationship and your views on where it is headed. Like you said, you are your own person; however, it is you who has the problem here. As you have stated in a few entries, you cannot get past your perceptions of her altered personality. If you're constantly reminded of this "down-side" every time you look at her, think of her, talk to her or do anything else regarding her, then it's fairly clear that you are either unwilling or unable to get around that sticking-point. Work some more with the counselor, and then either fish or cut bait.

10-04-2003, 10:37 PM	#18 (permalink)
exiled in time Upright Location: Washington State	Emote, I can't even begin to understand your story since I don't know you, but I do have firsthand experience with chemical imbalances. I prefer to just call it what it is whether depression, bi-polar, whatever. Our society is scared to death of people that have these medical conditions. Mainly because we don't understand them. I was the same exact way before I discovered I was bi-polar. It's been 4 years since my initial manic episode, which is something that I, nor my wife that witnessed it will ever forget. It lasted for about a week, the last night landed me in the hospital. I was fortunate and got excellent treatment and taking 2 pink pills a day keeps me functioning just fine. It also helped that I've been married for 23 years. My wife and family stood by me, and today I live a normal life. I do have to deal with it daily, but usually no more than taking my meds. My wife got the education she needed to understand my disorder, and our sex life has actually been better since that time. My advice, if you can't see yourself dealing with this "till death do us part", then end it now and give HER a chance to find someone that can. She will need all the support and love she can get. Good luck. Regards