timalkin

I've been dating this girl for 4 years now. We started dating in our senior year of high school and have lived within an hour's drive of each other's college. We've always had great sex, but for the past six months she's been quite upset with me whenever I try to initiate, saying that I want it too often (3 times a week). She would sometimes be the initiator, albeit rarely. I guess you could say that we are not very compatible, sexually at least. Everything else is great. She's broken up with me a few times in the past, mostly because I'll be moving around the country when I graduate and she doesn't want to be heartbroken when I have to go. She's always come back to me after only a day or two.

She started working at a new place and hanging out with her coworkers, who are mostly older people, a few her age. She goes out to a bar with them once a week and hangs out with a few of her new friends during the week. When I came back from vacation, however, one of the first things that she told me is that she doesn't want to have sex until she is married because she isn't prepared to have a baby with me, even though she is on the pill. This is after 3+ years of sex! She expects me to be fine with it. She doesn't hesitate to give me blowjobs or handjobs whenever I want them, but I feel a real need to establish intimacy with her through intercourse. She doesn't understand this and I feel very guilty whenever I think about how much I want to have sex with her, which is very often (I'm a young male afterall.)

I honestly do not believe that she has or will ever cheat on me, but what the fuck is going on here?

Akuma7g

I've heard of that but never had it happen to me. I feel for you and don't understand it outside of the 'pregnancy' issue. Although I feel that the use of that excuse is a kind of cop out.

How was it with her? Did she really enjoy it with you? Could you have done things differently with her sexually?

Just questions so please don't take offense. We men have that part of our egos bruised easily!

baaa

Just stop doing something that she likes doing (like kissing, or cuddling ortalking to her.)
See how she likes it.
There are two of you in this relationship right? Give and take.

Why do women think they can hold sex over our heads like they do?

Averett

And what would give you the right to hold back on something she likes?

Sex isnt a right in a relationship. She doesnt have to have sex with him. That was just a fairly ignorant statement to make, I think.


Original question/concern. Have you talked much to her about this? Asked her why she feels this now after 3+ years? It is somewhat strange that she wants to stop just like that.

Talk to her about it though, see where her head is.


You mentioned that you'll be moving around a lot. Maybe it would be best to let her go... Might not be easy, but might be the best for the bothof you.

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timalkin

The strange part of the whole situation is that she's tried this line before. She came back home after visiting her family in another country for 4 months and SHE was the one who couldn't hold out. So I guess that answers the question as to whether she enjoyed it or not. She had an orgasm almost every single time we had sex. She would get irritated whenever I suggested sex or started kissing and fondling her, but she had a great time when we actually got started with the sex.

We sort of broke up this morning over the issue. I can't be in a relationship where I feel guilty for wanting to show my love to her, but it isn't fair of me to demand sex either. Plus, I'll be leaving her in about 9 months, so I just thought it would be easy on both of us to go our separate ways. Maybe she'll find someone who won't be leaving as soon as he graduates and enjoy a relationship where she might feel that she can actually commit to him. I really want her to be happy. I don't know if I did the right thing by leaving.

timalkin

She says that she just came to the realization that having a baby with me would be a terrible thing because she isn't finished with school and I'll be leaving. She says that she doesn't want to have sex with anybody else either, for the whole baby reason and because she's in love with me.

I feel like crap for just not accepting her decision and moving on with the relationship, but my guilt was getting to me everytime I saw her.

ninety09

The "pregancy" excuse sounds like bullshit :\ I mean, if she takes the pill, and you use a condom, she won't be pregnant.. I think you should have a good talk with her..

yournamehere

She hasn't stopped wanting sex.

She just stopped wanting sex with you.

Sorry - but there it is. The first sign of a cheating partner is "decreased sexual desires" - she's still getting it 3 times a week, but since her new boyfriend is "new" i.e. fresh and more exciting, she's preferring having sex with him over having it with you. Besides - she now considers having sex with you as cheating on her new boyfriend.

She knew you were leaving soon and needed a backup plan - she just found it before you left.

Don't ask me how I know . . . . been there . . .

I hope I'm wrong - but doubt I am.

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HeAtHeN

Talk to her. Its the only way you're gonna find out what's going on for sure. If you don't you'll just beat yourself up trying to figure out whats going on.

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sltkr2000

you should not accept the idea of haveing the baby, just because she feel like it. Having a baby is a big responsibility, trust me. I have 2 baby nices and 2 baby nephews. they are all under 2yrs old.. my sis and sis in law have no life after they had these babies, and you say she is still in school and work. I am sorry but she is a dum ass for thinking about having such plans,but the best thing to do is let her ask her older coworkers that have young kids, let them tell her how it would be like ofr her if she has abay while she is in school and working.

The sex part, is only a phase that occures when a woman is thinking about haveing her own family, espically when you are not married, since you have been with her for 4 years and I think she expect you to ask her to marry her by now. So, if you really love her, you should at least take the initiative and ask her to marry you, engagement sort of thing until she graduates from school and have a steady carear..

HeAtHeN

*cough* Spell Check *cough*

I missed something. She might not be cheating on you, but you'll only find out by asking. Also when you said she's broken up with you before but always comes back... that worries me. Sounds like she knows you'll always be there no matter what. So she can do whatever and know if it goes pear-shaped... you'll be there.

Talk to her

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urizenxvii

remember, according to current legal precedent, that if she consents to sex with you and then says 'no, stop' even once during the course of things, it seems that she can slap you with a rape case...

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timalkin

Well, I've talked to her a lot about it and she says that she just thought about it out of the blue. What can you say to that? She doesn't want the relationship to change, but I see that as impossible when you take away something as intimate as sex. She gave in a couple of times and said "we'll just have sex then," but her tone of voice and body language scream to me that isn't what she really wants.

As far as cheating goes, I'm one of the most cynical and untrusting people I've ever known, and I don't think she's cheating on me. She just doesn't think that sex is important.

I would honestly marry this girl in a second if I could stay home, but that won't happen. But then again, I don't think I could handle a life of being sexually frustrated by a wife who doesn't think that sex is important.

TM875

Sorry to hear that man. I've had it happen to me, too.

She went from being the INITIATOR to not wanting to do anything at all. Eventually, she left me so that she could go "find herself" (with another guy? . ). Anyway, no matter how connected you may feel to someone, a relationship without sex cannot be strong.

All in all, it's for the better. I think you might want to consider getting out while you still can.

collide

Maybe she doesn't want to feel used like a sex object. Or she might have a lower sex drive than you do. The more demanding and insistent you are about this, the more you're pushing her away and giving her the impression that having sex with her is all she means to you. Sounds to me like she still wants to be with you, since she's willing to please you, but she's hesitant about staying with you if the most important thing about her is the sex, not the person as a whole. Sex is not the only way to be intimate. Perhaps you should try spending more time with her on activities other than sex if she really means that much to you. Girls don't often like being so straightforward about telling you things that you should know (for the sake of being polite), so you have to read the meta-messages based on what she is telling you. If she gets the feeling that her all-emcompassing self means nothing to you, then she's going to try to sever the relationship until she can be sure that that's not the case. Reassure her by treating her like a good friend instead of a fuck buddy.

Just a bit of girl psychology for you, from a person who's been in her shoes too.

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collide

Okay, look. Maybe this is the difference between men and women. Women in general take everything into account when it comes to intimacy. Perhaps the problem is that you feel that intimacy means physical intimacy, and you don't feel that you're getting enough of it. I can't tell you how much of a turn off it is when a girl wants to spend time with her guy but all he wants to do is have sex. It's a major turn off when you can't even enjoy the company of your man for the sake of just being with him. It's obvious that she views intimacy as something more than just sex, and she just gets disappointed when the only thing that comes to your mind is her body. And that is certainly not the only thing she has to offer! Am I making any sense here?

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GTI03

Collide,

It doesn't sound like he's treating her like a fuck buddy (3 times a week is hardly excessive), and there's no evidence that he's not paying attention to "her all-emcompassing self "...just that she doesn't want sex (although bjs and hjs sound like sex to me...).

I would do the following:

1) Do an internal check. Is there anything that you're doing that she may not be happy with--like the fact that you're moving away? That sort of uncertainty can have a huge effect on the sex drive, and isn't unreasonable.

2) Do an external check. Talk with her...directly confront the problem as much as she is willing.

3) If her answers are unsatisfying, lay it out for yourself: is the status quo (or whatever you get out of your conversation with her) worth it? Will you be happy with the status quo?

4) Lay your conclusion out to her, and let both of you make informed choices about where to go from there. That will lead to less confusion all around, and make whatever happens less painful.

GSRIDER

It's her passive aggressive way of telling you it's over.

She doesn't want to break up... she wants you to do it and look like an ass doing it. so she can tell people you left her because she put sex on the backburner.

She's a saint and yer a dick.

but hey, yer movin away right?

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collide

I'm not saying that he is, I'm saying that it's possible that she may feel that way. The idea is to find out why she doesn't want it as often or at all. Trust me, it happens.

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blackdas

Is she self-conscious about her body/ I've been with some girls who feel bad about it because it makes them feel "gross" because of their insecurities about their bodies...

collide

It's all a matter of perspective, and you've just got to understand her side of it. It's not an unreasonable thing to ask in a relationship.

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krd913

If this is how she feels now , how would it be if you married her
?

Grimlok

Check her receipts... see if it's one from the pharmacy... Maybe she has a VD.

If she does...

cool...

I found out my ex was cheating the hard way. At least she's nice enough not to pass it on. In any event Buy a Fish Bowl and a a huge bag of condoms and fill it...

Hell... Find a guy that got clipped and recreate some paperwork documenting the procedure... see how she reacts.

I don't know man... sounds like it's time to move on.

I was kidding about the VD thing...

kinda.

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Craven Morehead

"Plus, I'll be leaving her in about 9 months"

And she knows this, doesn't she? If so, I think that's your answer. She's beginning to pull back, to remove the intimacy from the realtionship so it will hurt less when you leave.

Kurant

Can't say she's cheating, however, same happend to me with the woman before my wife.

She was the initiator, then she wanted to stop. Eventully it got to the point where we barely saw each other, I called her house one afternoon, only to find out from her brother she went to lunch with my best friend. Kicked her ass to the curb shortly after that, to find out she had been cheating the whole time this was going on, but no worries.. So was I.. LOL.

Moral of the story? I guess there isn't one. I just learned one thing early in life, before you get married, one rule I learned to follow...

Women are replaceable. Once they know that, the better off you are. It's harsh, but it's true.

anti fishstick

nooo don't fight fire with fire. bad move.. :T

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Sparhawk

word.

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EleqTrizi'T

she is cheating on you. That's my theory.

Thagrastay

My ex-wife used to hold out on sex because she didn't want to get pregnant. She was on the pill and I used condoms (although I hated the feeling of screwing a balloon). At first I thought it was something I'd done, or that she was seeing someone else, but it turned out she really was paranoid about getting pregnant. I wanted penetration without a condom, she wanted to be penetrated, but not at the risk of getting pregnant. We compromised- There are other holes, man. Just make sure you give her a reach around, you know?

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TM875

Go find someone else who is just interested in a physical relationship. Ater spending three years with someone who suddenly grew tired of me, I really don't want to go back into a relationship that requires work.

As the old adage states,
~ "What's your definition of the perfect first date?"

~ Casual sex, no more, no less

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Theresa

And THAT is exactly what she wants.

She knows your leaving and shes trying to keep you around as long as possible. She took away sex UNTIL shes married. She's just trying to get you to want to marry her so that you can have sex with her!! She is using sex as a tool to get something she wants.

Now if you were to marry her just so you can have sex with her, thats horrible and you wouldn't do that. She can always guilt trip you now that you broke up with her just because she denied you sex which is ALSO horrible.

I'm glad you ended it, too bad you have to look like the bad guy.

Daddymem

Cheating...my two cents from experience. Even angels can fall...sad but true.

rogue49

She is probably not cheating.

Since you are leaving, she is probably distancing herself.

Some women don't consider BJ's and Handjob as intimate,
so in a strange emotional way, it allowed her to get you off, but not be connected.
It's kind of like hookers, doing sex, but not kissing.

She in a way was probably preparing herself for you moving away,
and this time she's following through...she can't continue to want you, but you're not THERE.

That makes the most sense to me.

captain4077

Cheating. Or has cheated. That is my initial analysis and I could be wrong, but that is my gut instinct. PM me if this turns out to be true. I've seen this a couple of times with different friends of mine and that is what it has turned out to be.

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lykwen

My ex-wife did that for years, the not wanting sex. Turns out it was because she didn't love me.

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GoldenOuroboros

If you truely loved this woman you would be able to hold back. My fiancee did the same thing to me, didn't give a reason, she just didn't want to.. Then I kept pestering her. Then she went off her nut that she doesn't feel loved anymore and only feels like some sort of sexual relief machine.. meh meh meh.. not good. I tried hard to bring romance back into our relationship and then the passion returned. Now everything is peachy and I'm goin to marry this girl yay

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collide

Well, it looks like the consensus is either: (1) she's cheating on you or (2) she doesn't feel loved. Guess it's up to you to find out which one it is! Hope it's the latter (that's what it sounds like to me), because it'd truly suck for you otherwise.

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Markaz

I think the relationship is over. Not because of the sex thing, but because of you going away. Do not try and keep long distance relationships going, rarely ever work. Also, if you got married it could turn the wrong way, married young and not having explored sex = cheating, heart breaking, and more jackoff kids that I have to pay my taxes to keep in jail.

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macmanmike6100

Sure you want her to be happy, any good boyfriend would, but you have to be happy, too. I think that you did the right thing, as ridiculously hard it probably was.

Good luck and no worries.