angela146

I'd like this thread to be a discussion among married folks (and/or formerly married folks) about marriage.

• What defines a "good marriage"?
• Is there a "one right person" for each of us?
• How do you decide when to get married?
• What are you (or what should you be) willing to do to keep it?
• Under what circumstances would you consider breaking up?
• If you had it to do over again, would you?
• If you would, would you do anything different?
• What advice do you have for all of the never-married folks on TFP?
• Insert your thoughts and quesitons here...

Each poster, please tell us how long you've been (or were) married, how many times and how happy are/were you?

Never-married folks can post questions but please no answers or opinions (start a parallel thread if you like).

Derwood

To start, I've been married for a little over 6 years. I was 22 and my wife was 20 when we were married. We have one kid, a girl who just turned 5 months old.


What defines a "good marriage"? Entirely depends on what you and your partner are looking for. Some people can have "good marriages" in a non-monogomous relationship. Others have different standards. For me, a good marriage is one with understanding, love, and the willingness to do whatever it takes to make the marriage work.

Is there a "one right person" for each of us? I don't think there is JUST one right person. Anyone who thinks that will likely go through life never satisfied with the person they are with, or never get married at all, as they will never find that person.

How do you decide when to get married? As I always explain to people who say "I can't imagine being married," you will know when you should get married. If you have doubts, then don't do it. But for me, knowing the right time to get married was like knowing you are in love. There is no finite answer that can be explained. My wife and I got (and still get) a lot of shit for being married "so young", but since we both knew it was what we wanted, what was the big deal?

What are you (or what should you be) willing to do to keep it? I think the reason for the high divorce rate is that it is very easy to run from problems in a marriage. Believe me, there were several times in the first year or so of my marriage that I thought "I can see why people get divorced." But I really believe that if you truly love each other, you need to be really stubborn about staying married and see all problems through. I recognize that there are some problems that aren't solvable (or worth solving), but many divorces stem from perfectly fixable (and temporary) problems. Also know that your life will never be the same as a married person as it was as a single person, so don't even consider that an option (same with having kids).

Under what circumstances would you consider breaking up? The only real thing that would make me consider divorce would be infidelity. To me, that would be such a huge breach of trust that I wouldn't be able to get over it. The thought of my wife sneaking around behind my back with another guy sickens me.

What advice do you have for all of the never-married folks on TFP? I'd reitirate the fact that if you have any doubts about getting married, then wait. I'm not talking cold feet on your wedding day. I mean if you stay up at night wondering if you've made the right decision. Don't get into something that you'll regret. Also, I reccomend living with your finace for at least a year before being married. You'll learn a lot.

Edited to add bold face and format better

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Pellaz

What defines a "good marriage"? For me, it's friendship. I married my best friend, and I couldn't even begin to imagine a marriage where I hadn't, although I see it all the time

Is there a "one right person" for each of us? The worlds a big place, with near-infinite possibilities. Could I have been happy in my life married to someone else? Probably, but I'd be a different person in a different relationship. For the person that I am now, there is only one right person, though.

How do you decide when to get married? Circumstances dictated in part the time we got married(not pregnancy). That and it felt right, and it was a well discussed topic.

What are you (or what should you be) willing to do to keep it? Pretty much anything imo. Hopefully when you marry another person, you married someone who sees the world the same that you do, which makes it much easier to workthings out. Doesn't mean you should be a doormat, though.



Under what circumstances would you consider breaking up? For me, I think it would have to be proven trends that are going to continue no matter what I do. I'd probably not leave my wife if she cheated on me once, but if it was going to be repeated throughout our marriage, she'd be on the curb.

What advice do you have for all of the never-married folks on TFP? Be patient, don't rush, and make sure you are both getting married for the same reason, and understand all the consequences thereof.

I've been married 3 years in November, got married when I was 21 and my wife 19...a very young marriage, with no regrets and fairly supportive families.

Edit:forgot the personal info

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Remember it took three of you to kill me.
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ninety09

I've always wondered, what's the point of marriage? What does it change in your relashionship? Do you really need marriage to prove that you love each other and are committed?

angela146

Bravo Derwood and Pellaz!!!

Derwood, you aren't my hubby under an assumed name are you? Just kidding, we don't have kids, he's 27, I'm 28. Other than that, I could have written your post. BTW: I notice you are from Chicago (within 150 miles of me). Maybe it's the water from Lake Michigan.

Pellaz, same thing. What Derwood didn't say, you did. (BTW: How long are you married. Maybe you could edit your post and add it?)

Put your two posts together and there's almost nothing for me to add except that I'm married 8 years.

Thanks Guys!

mattdens

The only thing I'd add to this that many non-marrieds don't realize is that marriage is WORK much of the time. Don't get me wrong, it is work in a good way, not drudgery, but I think alot of people have a misconception that after the honeymoon it is just easy street. Marriage is the hardest work you'll ever do (on par with raising kids) but also the most rewarding.

__________________
later

lurkette

I've been married to Ratbastid for 8 years, we've been together for 12. This is our first (and last) marriage each - he was 21, I was 22 when we got married. I'm blissfully happy.

Mutual respect and admiration, good communication, the ability to grow and change in compatible ways, good sex.

Quote:

[*]Is there a "one right person" for each of us?

No. I think people could be compatible with a number of different mates. I think the "Mr. Right" or "the one" concept has done more to damage marriage than no-fault divorce laws. If you're waiting for perfection, then honey don't hold your breath.

Quote:

[*]How do you decide when to get married?

For me, it was when I realized that I couldn't imagine not spending every day with him. I was just so content to be around him, he was my favorite person to spend time with. I was confident we could meet any challenge and be ok. The precise "when" was dictated by a lot of external things, but the general decision to get married followed the thoughts above.

Quote:

[*]What are you (or what should you be) willing to do to keep it?

Anything that doesn't compromise my own identity or values. I would be willing to sacrifice, move across the world, whatever, as long as we were both nurtured and had our needs met.

Quote:

[*]Under what circumstances would you consider breaking up?

If I found out he voted for Bush
Just kidding. It would take a lot, like a series of lies and deceptions, or a sudden, radical, and unpleasant change in personality, or violence, none of which I really see as remotely likely.

Quote:

[*]If you had it to do over again, would you?

In a heartbeat. Best decision I ever made.

Quote:

[*]If you would, would you do anything different?

I would have started therapy about 4 years earlier.
I would have spent more time and thought on the wedding to make it truly reflect who we were instead of caving to family pressure.
I would have been a lot more patient and calm during the first 2 years. Then again, I was in grad school, so I think some of my behavior was, if not justified, then at least understandable.

Quote:

[*]What advice do you have for all of the never-married folks on TFP?

Be sure you know who you are, and who the other person is, before you get married.
Cultivate both independence and interdependence. Learn to be happy by yourself.
Talk talk talk about what you want out of life before you get married.
When you're arguing about stupid shit, ask yourself if you'd rather be right or in love. That goes for married folks, too.
A wedding is a day. Don't go into debt for it. Make sure it's not just a pageant but a ceremony that binds you together in front of the people you love.
Learn to compromise.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

WINGMAN

MARRIGE IS NOTHING BUT A GLORYFIED GOING STUDY..PLANE AND SIMPLE

lurkette

I don't think marriage is necessary or even advisable for everyone. You certainly don't need it to prove that you love each other and are committed. But for me, at least, what marriage added to our relationship was a promise made before others. It's one thing to know it yourselves, it's just an added "bonus" to have your relationship defined and "sealed" in front of the people you love and who love and support you. I don't think it's necessary but for us it's that little extra something that makes us think "I gave my word." It's not just that I love this person and I want to be with them - because frankly, there will be times when you forget that you love him/her and you DON'T want to be with them. Without that promise you're free to walk. The promise makes you take that extra time you need to remember who you are for each other and what you're committed to.

I hope Ratbastid doesn't mind me sharing this...

...nope he doesn't (I just asked him).

About 8 months ago we were on the brink. We were moving in completely different directions, not communicating, completely self-absorbed and neither of us was willing to budge much. We were about thiiiiiiis close to a divorce. I've never been more scared in my life. There were a lot of things that kept us together besides our love, which was notably absent at the time - sharing a house, a dog, habit, blah blah blah. The thing that really kept us together in the end was that we both wanted to be there. It had nothing to do with being married, it had to do with loving each other and dropping all the bullshit and remembering why. But if we hadn't been married, if we hadn't had that promise in the back of our heads, the "for better for worse" part, the "till death do us part" part, it would have been so much easier to just cut and run. To say "this is what I want, screw you, I'm outta here" instead of "what's best for us and what do we each need to do to stay together?"

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

raeanna74

What defines a "good marriage"? To be honest I'm still figuring this out. I think it's such a subjective thing. In general both individuals need to be allowed room to grow and have love (even if it isn't ALL the time) and respect for each other.

Is there a "one right person" for each of us? I dont' think so. I do think you need to be so careful to marry ONLY because you know this person will be right for you and you for them too. Don't do it for any other reason.

How do you decide when to get married? When you feel ready and when you are mature enough. Personally I don't think you are ready for marriage if you can't hold down a job. If you aren't responsible enough at work and to stay with something you dont' enjoy every day then you won't stay with a marriage.

What are you (or what should you be) willing to do to keep it? You should be willing to seek outside help and support. You should be willing to call in help to intervene if one or the other spouse isn't listening to your concerns.

Under what circumstances would you consider breaking up?
I would consider breaking up if there was physical abuse or severe psychological abuse. (Psychological abuse Isn't something to be laughed at but if you know it's there and have support you can turn the tide on some of it.) I would also consider breaking up if my partner was continuing to cheat on me against my wishes and protests.

If you had it to do over again, would you? Yes.

If you would, would you do anything different? I would have started out making sure that I loved my husband and wasn't just trying to escape my messed up parents home. I would make sure I wasn't just trying to marry to "fix" having had premarital sex with my husband to be and pacify my religion.

What advice do you have for all of the never-married folks on TFP?
Insert your thoughts and quesitons here...

Respect respect respect your partner. Learning to trust one another can get you through some of the most difficult situations. I will be nearly impossible to love each other if you don't respect and trust each other.

Hubby and I have been married for 4 years. I think we're relatively happy. We've had our bumps but we've also had some serious illness and rehabilitation that one of us had to go through. A tramatic event like that will try any relationship. I'm content with things now. Things are improving I think. We are just now it seems getting more in step with each other and communicating better.

__________________
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My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

robot_parade

* What defines a "good marriage"?

When the marriage ends (through death or divorce), you can say "I was happier with him/her than I otherwise would have been."

The happiness/well-adjustedness of the kids matters too, of course.


Is there a "one right person" for each of us?

No. Lots of right people, and even more wrong people.

How do you decide when to get married?

For my first marriage, we were 18, she was pregnant, and I was an idiot (or did I already say that? :-))

What are you (or what should you be) willing to do to keep it?

Almost anything. But by 'keep it', I mean keeping a real, living, marriage. Not one that died, but the partners are still legally married, living together, etc. A marriage (almost?) always dies before the divorce...and sometimes marriages die even if there is no divorce. Which is really, really sad.

Once it's really dead, just let it die.

* Under what circumstances would you consider breaking up?

When one or the other party is unwilling to uphold the vows he or she swore when the marriage started. This doesn't mean that the marriage should be over if (for instance) one person cheats on another - a marriage can survive that. It's when one or the other party has no intention of continuing to honor those vows.

* If you had it to do over again, would you?

With my current wife, yes.

* If you would, would you do anything different?

Lots. Listen more, talk more, laugh more. Respect her and myself more.

* What advice do you have for all of the never-married folks on TFP?

With a non-marriage relationship, people tend to stay in it so long as they are happy. I think marriage is when two people decide to stay in a relationship, *even if they are not happy*. So long as you are both willing to work on getting back to being happy, it's not over. There have been plenty of times in my current marriage when one or both of us was not happy. We're still married because we decided to stay together and work things out. Right now, we are both happy, and I realize that I am happier, and much more satisfied and fulfilled than if I had spent the last few years in several relationships, ending each one when I was no longer happy. I have someone I really *know* and care about.

After answering the questions, let me describe my marriages:

1st marriage: As I said before, 18, she's pregnant, I'm an idiot. Abortion was not a morally acceptable option for either of us, and we were still happy together, so we got married. A couple of years later, we are both miserable. She goes to an SCA event, cheats on me, then leaves. We get divorced, and split custody of our son. A year or so later, she moves out of state, and asks the court for primary custody. She loses.

2nd marriage: We meet, true love, yadda yadda yadda, 6 weeks later we get married....madly in love. We've got three (yes three) kids, in addition to my son from the previous marriage. We've had good times, bad times (including my lack of communication and respect, and a couple of times when she as-good-as-cheated-on-me with an 'internet guy', and she came *very* close to leaving me, and I her). But I think now I can say we are together for good. Even with the bad stuff, I would do it again.

That said, however, if 'the internet guy' thing happens again, it's over. Just because I've made a commitment doesn't mean I'm willing to be treated like crap.

So marriage is like sex: There are things that are better, there are things that are worse, but there is nothing exactly like it.

Or...wait...crap....nevermind, I'm just babbling again. :-)

Jonsgirl

IMO:
What defines a "good marriage"?
A marriage is a partnership between two equals. It has room to grow and develop. It's work, and it takes maturity, patience, and unconditonal love. It's a safe haven in a mad, mad world.

Is there a "one right person" for each of us?
Yes. Well, I think Pellaz said it best. For the person who I am now, there would only be my husband.

How do you decide when to get married?
When there's nothing else in the world but for the two of you to commit yourselves forever. It wasn't a rash desicion. We had our problems and I had been away for a few months, but once I saw him again; there was no other option for me. I needed him in my life.

What are you (or what should you be) willing to do to keep it?
Most importantly, learn from you mistakes. We are human and prone to err, but not repeatedly. Be understanding and open. Accept that there are things you will have to compromise on and some things that you will just have to live with.

Under what circumstances would you consider breaking up?
N/A

If you had it to do over again, would you?
Yes. Yes. Yes.

If you would, would you do anything different?
I'd do a little more growing up first. But I don't mean in a sexual way. I enjoyed learning everything with my husband.

What advice do you have for all of the never-married folks on TFP?
Know yourself. Know your limits. It's natural to have doubts (it is a huge step,) but if you honestly don't know whether it's right person, time, etc. - don't do it yet. And remember to have fun.

Insert your thoughts and quesitons here...
Make a little mantra for just the two of you. Something that's special, and heartfelt to both of you. It will get you through alot.
Don't let the sex life die. Keep exploring each other's bodies and minds.

I've been very happily married for 3+ years now. In my first marriage. (I'd hope so, I'm only 22). I'll never stop being in Love with him.

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But it won't be today, and it won't be you.

collide

Wow, what's the deal with people getting married in their early twenties? Seems awfully young to me.

I mean, I can understand if you'd maybe want children and not want to wait too long to have them, but other than that, it seems like a pretty big commitment to be rushing into a thing like marriage.

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Leviathan[NCV]

Did you ever finish gradeschool? And, there's this little thing on the left side of your keyboard that says something like 'Caps Lock'. I'd apreciate it if you would click it once.

thomasparker_98

What defines a "good marriage"?
Is there a "one right person" for each of us?
How do you decide when to get married?

Hmmmm....when you can't live without your mate


What are you (or what should you be) willing to do to keep it?

Understand and compromise is the key

Under what circumstances would you consider breaking up?

Multiple cheating...I would let one slide

If you had it to do over again, would you?

Don't ask that

If you would, would you do anything different?

Maybe took it slower

What advice do you have for all of the never-married folks on TFP?

The grass is greener on the other side

Insert your thoughts and quesitons here...

Marry someone with money who hates to spend it!

ratbastid

lurkette covered so much of this for both of us. One component of our marriage is that we VERY OFTEN think with a single brain about things...

<b>What defines a "good marriage"?</b>

People spend too much time thinking about questions like that rather than focussing on what's going to make them and their partner happy. Who the hell cares what defines a good marriage! You know it when you've got it, ok? And you know what it takes to have it. So go DO that! It ain't rocket science.

<b>Is there a "one right person" for each of us?</b>

No. Romatic notions like that are designed to make you upset, nothing more.

<b>How do you decide when to get married?</b>

I'll answer this one for myself, rather than on behalf of "us" (though lurkette basically already nailed the "us" answer).

I knew it was time to get married when, at a time in my life when I was facing big change, the one thing I couldn't fathom changing was my relationship with her. We were looking at graduating college. She was pretty certain she was going to go on to graduate school somewhere else entirely. Following her wherever she went was all there was for me to do, and when I saw <i>that</i>, I knew it was time to be married.

<b>What are you (or what should you be) willing to do to keep it?</b>

Anything and everything. I'll forgive just about anything. I'll revoke my right to any and all cherished notions of how things "should" be. I'll go to the ends of the earth, I'll turn myself inside out. I'll reallign my molecules from the bones out.

And I <i>have</i> done these things, and I <i>do</i> do these things and I <i>will</i> do these things, because that's what it is to BE in a life partnership. And anyone who's in a marriage or other life partnership that REALLY works and who says they DON'T treat it like this is lying to you or to themself.

<b>Under what circumstances would you consider breaking up?</b>

Under no circumstances that I can imagine. I'm 100% confident that we could survive anything. It might not be pretty for a while, but given the stuff we've already survived.....

<b>If you had it to do over again, would you?</b>

Well dunh.

<b>If you would, would you do anything different?</b>

I probably wouldn't be where I am now if I hadn't made all the mistakes I've made. So no, given the choice, I'd probably choose to have stumbled around about the same way I did (and most likely <i>will</i>).

<b>What advice do you have for all of the never-married folks on TFP?</b>

Go get married. Marrying well is one of the most important things a man can do to impact the quality of his life.

<b>Insert your thoughts and quesitons here...</b>

Not much to add. Good thread! Thanks!

skysooner

What defines a "good marriage"?

To me, it means having your spouse as your best friend (or one of your best friends) who supports you through good times and bad. It doesn't mean you always agree with each other, but when you disagree it is not with animosity. You talk things out and reach a decision that both can live with.


Is there a "one right person" for each of us?

Absolutely not. There are many people you can be happy with, but generally you both have to be in the right place at the right time for it to work right. I would say there maybe just a few right people for us at the right times in their and your life.

How do you decide when to get married?

When you can't live without each other. This one is hard to explain, but my wife and I were unofficially engaged after 3 weeks. We have been married 12 years now and have the strongest marriage that we know.

What are you (or what should you be) willing to do to keep it?

Well you shouldn't have to knock yourself out to keep it, because if it has gone that far bad you didn't really work at it to begin with. The wife and I separated for 3 weeks about 7 years ago during a long term disagreement we had. We went to 3 different marriage counselors before we found the one that helped us the most. Once we figured out what the root of the problem was, it was easy to fix and has been reasonably easy since then. You have to work as hard as it takes, but there will come a time when it is unreasonable to go further. I have never reached this point, but I can imagine in the right circumstances (infidelity with malice) that the pain of being married would be worse than doing without.

Under what circumstances would you consider breaking up?

Infidelity.

If you had it to do over again, would you?

Absolutely.

If you would, would you do anything different?

I might have insisted we sleep together before the wedding night. Her being a virgin on our wedding night made that night and the whole honeymoon stressful as she did not go gently into that good night.

What advice do you have for all of the never-married folks on TFP?

Don't make snap decisions when you first meet someone. My wife and I kind of liked each other the first time we went out, but there were some issues that made me think we would never go out again. The 2nd date was when we really hit it off, and it went really quickly after that.

Achernar

Married once for two years - happiest time of my life.

I don't think you can quantify/qualify a 'good marriage.' Does it work for you and your spouse? Fo you get along well and complement each other in all the right ways? Do you fight once in a while (important)?

There's a whole host of questions you could ask...

rodgerd

Made no difference to me. I intended to stay either way.