robot_parade

* What defines a "good marriage"?

When the marriage ends (through death or divorce), you can say "I was happier with him/her than I otherwise would have been."

The happiness/well-adjustedness of the kids matters too, of course.


Is there a "one right person" for each of us?

No. Lots of right people, and even more wrong people.

How do you decide when to get married?

For my first marriage, we were 18, she was pregnant, and I was an idiot (or did I already say that? :-))

What are you (or what should you be) willing to do to keep it?

Almost anything. But by 'keep it', I mean keeping a real, living, marriage. Not one that died, but the partners are still legally married, living together, etc. A marriage (almost?) always dies before the divorce...and sometimes marriages die even if there is no divorce. Which is really, really sad.

Once it's really dead, just let it die.

* Under what circumstances would you consider breaking up?

When one or the other party is unwilling to uphold the vows he or she swore when the marriage started. This doesn't mean that the marriage should be over if (for instance) one person cheats on another - a marriage can survive that. It's when one or the other party has no intention of continuing to honor those vows.

* If you had it to do over again, would you?

With my current wife, yes.

* If you would, would you do anything different?

Lots. Listen more, talk more, laugh more. Respect her and myself more.

* What advice do you have for all of the never-married folks on TFP?

With a non-marriage relationship, people tend to stay in it so long as they are happy. I think marriage is when two people decide to stay in a relationship, *even if they are not happy*. So long as you are both willing to work on getting back to being happy, it's not over. There have been plenty of times in my current marriage when one or both of us was not happy. We're still married because we decided to stay together and work things out. Right now, we are both happy, and I realize that I am happier, and much more satisfied and fulfilled than if I had spent the last few years in several relationships, ending each one when I was no longer happy. I have someone I really *know* and care about.

After answering the questions, let me describe my marriages:

1st marriage: As I said before, 18, she's pregnant, I'm an idiot. Abortion was not a morally acceptable option for either of us, and we were still happy together, so we got married. A couple of years later, we are both miserable. She goes to an SCA event, cheats on me, then leaves. We get divorced, and split custody of our son. A year or so later, she moves out of state, and asks the court for primary custody. She loses.

2nd marriage: We meet, true love, yadda yadda yadda, 6 weeks later we get married....madly in love. We've got three (yes three) kids, in addition to my son from the previous marriage. We've had good times, bad times (including my lack of communication and respect, and a couple of times when she as-good-as-cheated-on-me with an 'internet guy', and she came *very* close to leaving me, and I her). But I think now I can say we are together for good. Even with the bad stuff, I would do it again.

That said, however, if 'the internet guy' thing happens again, it's over. Just because I've made a commitment doesn't mean I'm willing to be treated like crap.

So marriage is like sex: There are things that are better, there are things that are worse, but there is nothing exactly like it.

Or...wait...crap....nevermind, I'm just babbling again. :-)