I've been married to Ratbastid for 8 years, we've been together for 12. This is our first (and last) marriage each - he was 21, I was 22 when we got married. I'm blissfully happy.
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Originally posted by angela146
[list][*]What defines a "good marriage"?
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Mutual respect and admiration, good communication, the ability to grow and change in compatible ways, good sex.
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[*]Is there a "one right person" for each of us?
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No. I think people could be compatible with a number of different mates. I think the "Mr. Right" or "the one" concept has done more to damage marriage than no-fault divorce laws. If you're waiting for perfection, then honey don't hold your breath.
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[*]How do you decide when to get married?
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For me, it was when I realized that I couldn't imagine not spending every day with him. I was just so content to be around him, he was my favorite person to spend time with. I was confident we could meet any challenge and be ok. The precise "when" was dictated by a lot of external things, but the general decision to get married followed the thoughts above.
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[*]What are you (or what should you be) willing to do to keep it?
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Anything that doesn't compromise my own identity or values. I would be willing to sacrifice, move across the world, whatever, as long as we were both nurtured and had our needs met.
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[*]Under what circumstances would you consider breaking up?
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If I found out he voted for Bush
Just kidding. It would take a lot, like a series of lies and deceptions, or a sudden, radical, and unpleasant change in personality, or violence, none of which I really see as remotely likely.
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[*]If you had it to do over again, would you?
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In a heartbeat. Best decision I ever made.
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[*]If you would, would you do anything different?
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I would have started therapy about 4 years earlier.
I would have spent more time and thought on the wedding to make it truly reflect who we were instead of caving to family pressure.
I would have been a lot more patient and calm during the first 2 years. Then again, I was in grad school, so I think some of my behavior was, if not justified, then at least understandable.
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[*]What advice do you have for all of the never-married folks on TFP?
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Be sure you know who you are, and who the other person is, before you get married.
Cultivate both independence and interdependence. Learn to be happy by yourself.
Talk talk talk about what you want out of life before you get married.
When you're arguing about stupid shit, ask yourself if you'd rather be right or in love. That goes for married folks, too.
A wedding is a day. Don't go into debt for it. Make sure it's not just a pageant but a ceremony that binds you together in front of the people you love.
Learn to compromise.