pornclerk

Ok, so this post is going to be long, but I need to get it off my chest. I am extremely bitter. I need closure. I feel like there are so many things that I need to say but can’t really tell anyone for fear of being judged.

A few months ago, I ended a very long relationship with my ex-boyfriend. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in life. We had so many years together and grew together in many ways. There were a lot of good things about our relationship. He was a genuine and caring person- wouldn’t hurt a fly. He was always supportive and didn’t hold me back from anything I wanted to do in life.

We decided to move in together last summer. I picked up and moved from my hometown a few hours away. It was a huge sacrifice, but I really felt like I was making the right decision because I was in love with him. We had talked about marriage a lot before I moved. I know that I did put a lot of pressure on him, so I eventually decided to back off and see what would happen. Moving in together is a big step.

Even after I backed off though, the thought of marriage did not seem too apparent in his mind. He of course had his reasons for not taking the next step (finances, his parents are divorced, etc.), although when he talked about it, it never seemed as though there was one specific reason. Maybe I am just being cynical, but after a while I just thought that it was me. I guess I always thought that the man who wanted to marry me would be so head-over-heels in love with me that he would be the one begging me to marry him. Obviously we were at two different stages, and I admit to feeling a little bit resentful about it. I feel as though I am in the stage of life where I want a husband and children and I am angry that the man I love doesn’t want it with me.

This was the main reason why I ended our relationship. There were other things too of course, but I always had that feeling that he would never love me the way I wanted to be loved. I remember standing up at my best friend’s wedding. I saw the way her husband looked at her, and knew I would never have that with the guy I was with. I always wondered what was wrong with me.

I am not claiming to be the perfect one in the relationship either. I am fully aware that I have a domineering personality. I tend to be really aggressive when it comes to giving my opinion and I tend to not give others the benefit of the doubt when their opinion doesn’t match mine. It’s a character flaw for sure, but I always felt like I accepted his flaws and he was never willing to accept mine. I almost had this sense that there was a laundry list of things I needed to change before he would even consider marrying me.

Another thing that I guess wasn’t easy for him to deal with was the fact that my mother was diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder and my parents divorced. Both of these events happened close together and it devastated me more than I let on. I feel like I died a little inside when they happened. I became a depressed person for a while, but eventually got through it. I always feel like he resented my depressed feelings and never put himself in my shoes. He will never fully understand what it is like to see your mother slowly deteriorate from a mental illness.
Anyhow, when I decided to end the relationship, I really don’t even know what was going through my mind or why I chose to do it on the day I did (5 days before Christmas). I knew that the time was coming, but I just couldn’t wrap my head around it and think logically. We ended up being apart for about a week because we had gone to visit our families out of town. He tried to bargain with me, but I just couldn’t see how things would ever be the way I wanted them to be.

When I returned, he was still out of town. We decided that I was going to be the one moving out. I found an apartment within three days of us deciding this. The only problem was that I had to wait about a week before I could move in because the landlord was putting new flooring in. I figured I was really being reasonable in this situation. I would only need to stay at the old apartment for about a week. I would have been awkward, but it was only a short time. Most people need a good month to find a decent place. He seemed to be fine with this and said I could stay. I was willing to even pitch in for a week’s rent even though it would have been hard. He never did ask though, so I didn’t offer. Maybe that was wrong on my part. Maybe I should have had an apartment ready before I ended the relationship, but I felt that would have made it more devastating to him when I ended the relationship.

Next thing I know, I get a phone call and several emails from him saying that he was coming back to the apartment and he expected me to not be there when arrives. He literally wanted me to just pick up and leave with no where to go in the middle of winter. Since I had only lived in the city for a few months, I didn’t really have any friends. I also had no family there either. He even got his brother (who is a lawyer) to threaten to phone the police if I did not leave. My name unfortunately was not on the lease so there was some power on my boyfriend’s part. I really was never given any reason as to why all of a sudden my ex just booted me out the door, even after we had an agreement. I of course put up a fight about this and lost.

So there I was, crying to my best friend on the phone (who lives 4 hours away), packing as many things as I could, wondering where I was going to go. I only had a few hours to be out of there. I literally got in my car full of clothes and drove around trying to figure out where the hell I was going to sleep. I eventually did get some help from my dad and he helped me pay for a hotel. I really didn’t want to ask because he is in a worse financial situation than I am, but my dad is always willing to be there for me thankfully.

I still to this day have no idea why my ex did such a thing like that. We dated for so long and one would think that you would at least not want to see that person in a really rough situation, or especially put them in that situation on purpose. I have no closure. I am sure there are many questions he has about the ending of our relationship too so maybe this will shine some light.

Anyhow, if you made it to the end of this post, congrats and thanks for reading. Can anyone give me some advice as to how I can move past this chapter of my life and not be completely bitter and resentful?

__________________
Who wants a twig when you can have the whole tree?

Ustwo

You screwed up by not having a place to go to already set up before you dropped the bomb. No matter what the circumstances, even if he wanted to break up too, it hurts being dumped on and he got you back the only way he could. Yes it was petty but I've seen a lot worse from people together a lot longer, and involving their children. Kicking you out was pretty mild compared to that kind of game.

My solution to you would be the same to the guys who post their stories like this. Time and a new penis (well ok I don't tell them to find a new penis, but you get the idea).

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

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Seaver

I suspect he had little/no inclination this was coming, and it hit him like a truck when you dumped him. You two didn't break up, you dumped him.

He was hurt, betrayed, and then it turned to anger. I can honestly say I would never want a girl living with me after a bomb like that, and even though I'd like to say otherwise I can't say I would react any different.

Honestly, if he had just dumped you after talking about marriage you'd feel just as hurt as he is. You probably wouldn't allow him to live in your place until he set up, because you would want to hurt him back the same way he did to you.

__________________
"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

snowy

And seriously, if you're just going to dump a guy without even attempting to address the issues at hand, you gotta expect that the shit is gonna hit the fan. It seems as if you approached this break-up casually, without a plan of action or even an attempt to remedy the situation.

Tough cookies, sweetheart. That's life. If you don't plan ahead, you end up with your ass out on the curb.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

james t kirk

Rent a motel room until your new place is ready.

C'est la vie, but that's the price you pay for moving on. You destroyed him and you're worried about where YOU are going to sleep?

As to the rest of the story, let's see...

You moved in together in July or August of 2007. You stated that you dumped him "a few months ago" because he wasn't willing to marry you when you felt it was time.

So that means you lived together for maybe all of 6 months.

And you figure that he should be prepared to move to the next step after 6 months of living together?

Out of curiousity, how old are you and your ex? (I'm going to bet mid 20's.)

And b. you got all analytical at a friend's wedding (all your friends are getting married so now you want to get married) and you saw the look in your friend's hubby's eye.

Are you serious?

I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that your friend and her new hubby end up in divorce court in 2 to 5 years (statistics are on my side). So much for the look in his eye.

You WAAAAAYYYY over-analzed the whole wedding situation. You saw what you wanted to see.

You had a guy who loved you and cared for you (by your own addmission). You had been together for years. (Probably since you were teenagers.)

I guess you could say that you know what you want, so you made your decision. So that's fine, however,

There's an old expression:

You made your bed, now you have to sleep in it.

Ustwo

Ok I think the tone is a BIT too harsh here.

There may well be reasons, good ones, to break up involved. He may well have never intended on getting married. Rubbing someones nose in what is a limited side of the conversation is a bit presumptuous.

This is one of those just move on moments in life.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Seaver

Ustwo, once again you beat me to it. I didn't intend for my post to sound as harsh as it was, though I don't know how to state my opinion differently.

__________________
"Smite the rocks with the rod of knowledge, and fountains of unstinted wealth will gush forth." - Ashbel Smith as he laid the first cornerstone of the University of Texas

pornclerk

I am sensing the tone to be a little bit harsh here as well. I appreciate everyone's opinion. You have to realize too that I did not give all of the reasons for breaking up with him. If I did, I will make him sound like he is an evil person. Yes he did do some very mean things throughout our relationship, but I am not perfect either, so that's why I told it from this perspective. Maybe if I included those things you would have thought differently. I guess I was just expecting more people to give me the benefit of the doubt, rather than saying I made my bed and now I have to lay in it.

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Who wants a twig when you can have the whole tree?

jewels

You don't have closure? How do you think he felt when you kicked him to the curb without an explanation?

As Snowy and Seaver said, hurt soon turns to anger. Of course that's why he treated you that way. You treated him like shit, it's only natural he's going to lash out any way he can. That's your closure. Allow him that last "word" so that each of you can move on.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

snowy

For reference, Ustwo, I do believe this is the other side of the story: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=129554

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Ustwo

My what tangled webs we weave.

Well from a neutral opinion I say moving on still is all there is to do, which means pain, being bitter, etc. Been there done that, got the t-shirt, and now look back and laugh.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

pornclerk

How is ending a relationship classified as treating someone like shit? Would it have been better to stay in a dead-end relationship?

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Who wants a twig when you can have the whole tree?

Daniel_

For balance, I'm posting a reciprocal link to http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=129554, and adding the same comments to both threads.

Clearly, Pornclerk and Trache are the couple involved, and it's also clear that both of them have divergent views as to what happened in their relationship.

I suspect that views posted by me and my ex-wife surrounding our separation would look like different stories; it's the way of people.

The death of a relationship is miserable to watch and miserable to partake in. It is never equal - even when people claim to have agreed to split.

People lash out and make hasty choices, which inevitably hurt themselves and others.

I have little to add in the way of solace, other than to say "this too will pass" and that moving on, whilst hard is the only way to live with yourself.

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╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
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genuinegirly

You did not plan things out thoroughly.
You put yourself in a terribly inconvenient position.

Remove yourself from everything and start a new life.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

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SteelofUtah

I have so much to say but believe it will only be seen as Nastiness or Snarkyness.

Here it is in a Nut Shell. You had Expectations on him that you never told him (According to your post you never did) according to His post the reason you guys split were VERY different.

So here it is. You don't communicate. There wasn't a strong bond to begin with and according to your own word you stayed together just hopeing things would get better on thier own.

So that you know I would have done the same thing he did. at the point it was over according to His post shows that you really didn't discuss it you just informed him that you were done and he needed to accept that.

I understand you are upset about having to find a place to sleep but how do you think he felt having to live with the end of an 8 and a half year relationship. I am sure he is EQUALLY looking for closure.

This Bitterness you are feeling is only that you didn't come out on Top which from the tone (Something I may be misreading) of this Thread, sounds like you are upset because he isn't a mess and falling apart without you.

It is OKAY to be a Demanding woman I am in the BDSM Lifestyle they are call Domme's and it is okay to be one. I am not knocking you for being opinionated and driven.

Where I am upset is that you had unrealistic expectations about what you EXPECTED him to do and that isn't fair.

I am curious however, Did you guys ever talk about marriage and when you did did you inform him of your desire to be "Begged to Marry" him? Did he know you wanted this, and if he did know this then Greg Beherent said it best

"He's just NOT that into you"

Steel

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~~~Nothing worth Having in this life will ever come easy, but just because something is hard does not mean it is something worth having~~~

jewels

Of course not. But your own words ...
When you walk out on someone (I've been on the other end of this before) knowing that you want to end it but are unable to express it, the person you you love(d) is being treated like shit, whether or not that's the intention. It would have been a lot easier for him to deal if he'd experienced the closure you feel you need now.

If it was a dead end relationship, then let it (and him) go. You will always have those few beautiful moments you shared.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

n0nsensical

so you got a reality check. everyone needs/gets one from time to time. bitterness is just one possible reaction, you may not control the circumstances (at least this far down the hole) but you DO control your reaction to them. In order to not be bitter/resentful... you must simply not be bitter or resentful about it! take it as a learning experience, give the relationship a loong break, I mean don't even think about it, and think about whats really important to you.

not to sound condescending but I think you need a little perspective on the whole marriage thing. nobody needs marriage. you don't need marriage to have a family and you don't need marriage to be happy. don't buy into the bullshit, created by people with an agenda. in fact the whole institution was basically created and promoted to serve various agendas through the ages. its really a handy way for religious and government organizations to keep tabs on the population. The Church even used it as a tool of power against kings. Thats why it was such a notable event, when Henry the Eighth sent the Pope a big fuck you, and from there it was all downhill to 50% divorce rate. Because marriage is not a natural state of humankind. and its been an anachronism at least since 1533. so dig a little deeper and think about what you really want out of life and how you're going to get there, and don't dwell on what's done. because what's done is done.

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"Prohibition will work great injury to the cause of temperance. It is a species of intemperance within itself, for it goes beyond the bounds of reason in that it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation, and makes a crime out of things that are not crimes. A Prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon which our government was founded." --Abraham Lincoln

high_jinx

you gave him the reason. if someone dropped a bomb on me like that i'd rather sleep on a park bench in the snow than the same building. a whole week, and i might go crazy.

you could have avoided this by planning for it, so there's nothing to be bitter or resentful about where he put you... because you put yourself there.


you're quite a piece of work(no offense) ... you break up with him mainly because he doesn't meet your expectations.... then you're surprised when he doesn't meet your expectations AFTER you break up too!!

Because you're the one that created this situation and by that basically decided the course it would unfold, it's your responsibility to provide your closure to it. you can do this by entering a new chapter in your life. don't talk to your ex for 6 months, and go set and accomplish some goals, and then maybe you can put the water under the bridge and relate to each other on a healthier level. i'd reccomend this to him as well.

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-my phobia drowned while i was gettin down.

little_tippler

I think everyone is being far too judgmental, things like this are never clear-cut.

Both sides are pushing the blame around, while admitting to some faults of their own.

I think it's quite sad to see things end like this, but it happens a lot. This couple's problem is simple: lack of communication, and too much assuming things before outright asking each other. Happens ALL the time.

My most recent ex dumped me (as in we didn't break-up, it was pretty one-sided also), but we still lived together for a month after that. Was it hard? It was excruciating, heart-wrenching, and I shouldn't have done it. You live and learn.

My advice about being bitter? Stop thinking about the whole situation and live your life. It may never go away, but it will fade and lose importance. And that's probably the best you'll make of it.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

telekinetic

So you gave him some idea of what was coming?

"I'm not happy, and I think if X Y and Z doesn't change this relationship needs to end"

"I have serious problem X with our relationship, lets go to counseling and try to resolve it"

"If there isn't a concrete plan to progress this relationship to marriage, this relationship needs to end"

etc etc.

That is what I would view as "treating like shit." If you are going to 'drop the bomb' and end a relationship abruptly, it needs to be for reasons the other person has no control over (ie, something that they can't change). If you're going to dump someone, and then blame them for the breakup, without giving them a chance to fix the fixable things, I'd say that's a little shitty.

To quote the other interested party:
In any case, once you dump someone, anything shitty that they do to you pales in comparison. I'd say kicking you out when you dumped him was on the mild end of things I have heard of at the end of 8 year relationships.

Being bitter towards your ex is sour grapes: Don't ever forget who ended the relationship. You can be bitter that he didn't meet your expectations, but it is your actions that caused you to not be (probably) engaged by now.

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twisted no more

james t kirk

Strangely enough Pornclerk and her ex (Trache)seem to be communicating quite fine. Albeit by posting on the TFP about their respective feelings on the issue. Now if they could only do that in person.

Shauk

you sound like my ex with her expectations for marriage using as an excuse to bail even though she made no real effort to make the marriage happen. Just another poser.

creepysusie

"I still to this day have no idea why my ex did such a thing like that."

Really?
You dumped someone you were with in a long term relationship and expect to be living in the same place with said person?
Ending a relationship requires tact, patience, intelligence and responsibility. This isn't the movie "The Break-up", where things just unravel nicely in a cinematic format. You made the decision to break up with someone, you should have figured what you needed to do. You knew his name was on the lease and didn't make any plans on moving out. Maybe it was a smarter idea to find the apartment and then break up.

A relationship takes 2 people to end and if you felt you are wronged, I'm sure he feels the same way. That's just human nature. I understand you are upset about your parents and all that shit, because it genuinely sucks, I've been there. But it seems like your approach was pretty harsh.

Even you said he tried to work things out after agreeing on the living arrangements, but you said no. I mean, if you had lied and said "i don't know, maybe. We will talk about it later" at least that is going to buy you some time at the apartment.

5 days before Christmas.... Really? Serious?
It's a good thing that it was holiday season and he could still return the gift he probably got you. Talk about sending the D-Bomb.

It's a good thing that you have someone pay for hotel because in real life, that doesn't happen. No one is going to be your safety net. If you can't learn to be self reliant, how can you even expect to be with someone else?

We all know you can't expect to rely on your closest friends and family all the time, but what would have possessed you to think that you could rely on your ex-boyfriend to let you live in HIS apartment after YOU dump him?

If you are still bitter, then blame your bitterness on your own bad timing.

By the way, I'm not taking sides.
He's stupid for not seeing problems in the relationship and blindly thinking that everything was fine.
You are stupid for your bad timing.
I'm equally critical.

nerfgangsta

u told him u wanted to end the relationship then u were suprised when he says get the f out??