pornclerk

Ok, so this post is going to be long, but I need to get it off my chest. I am extremely bitter. I need closure. I feel like there are so many things that I need to say but can’t really tell anyone for fear of being judged.

A few months ago, I ended a very long relationship with my ex-boyfriend. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in life. We had so many years together and grew together in many ways. There were a lot of good things about our relationship. He was a genuine and caring person- wouldn’t hurt a fly. He was always supportive and didn’t hold me back from anything I wanted to do in life.

We decided to move in together last summer. I picked up and moved from my hometown a few hours away. It was a huge sacrifice, but I really felt like I was making the right decision because I was in love with him. We had talked about marriage a lot before I moved. I know that I did put a lot of pressure on him, so I eventually decided to back off and see what would happen. Moving in together is a big step.

Even after I backed off though, the thought of marriage did not seem too apparent in his mind. He of course had his reasons for not taking the next step (finances, his parents are divorced, etc.), although when he talked about it, it never seemed as though there was one specific reason. Maybe I am just being cynical, but after a while I just thought that it was me. I guess I always thought that the man who wanted to marry me would be so head-over-heels in love with me that he would be the one begging me to marry him. Obviously we were at two different stages, and I admit to feeling a little bit resentful about it. I feel as though I am in the stage of life where I want a husband and children and I am angry that the man I love doesn’t want it with me.

This was the main reason why I ended our relationship. There were other things too of course, but I always had that feeling that he would never love me the way I wanted to be loved. I remember standing up at my best friend’s wedding. I saw the way her husband looked at her, and knew I would never have that with the guy I was with. I always wondered what was wrong with me.

I am not claiming to be the perfect one in the relationship either. I am fully aware that I have a domineering personality. I tend to be really aggressive when it comes to giving my opinion and I tend to not give others the benefit of the doubt when their opinion doesn’t match mine. It’s a character flaw for sure, but I always felt like I accepted his flaws and he was never willing to accept mine. I almost had this sense that there was a laundry list of things I needed to change before he would even consider marrying me.

Another thing that I guess wasn’t easy for him to deal with was the fact that my mother was diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder and my parents divorced. Both of these events happened close together and it devastated me more than I let on. I feel like I died a little inside when they happened. I became a depressed person for a while, but eventually got through it. I always feel like he resented my depressed feelings and never put himself in my shoes. He will never fully understand what it is like to see your mother slowly deteriorate from a mental illness.
Anyhow, when I decided to end the relationship, I really don’t even know what was going through my mind or why I chose to do it on the day I did (5 days before Christmas). I knew that the time was coming, but I just couldn’t wrap my head around it and think logically. We ended up being apart for about a week because we had gone to visit our families out of town. He tried to bargain with me, but I just couldn’t see how things would ever be the way I wanted them to be.

When I returned, he was still out of town. We decided that I was going to be the one moving out. I found an apartment within three days of us deciding this. The only problem was that I had to wait about a week before I could move in because the landlord was putting new flooring in. I figured I was really being reasonable in this situation. I would only need to stay at the old apartment for about a week. I would have been awkward, but it was only a short time. Most people need a good month to find a decent place. He seemed to be fine with this and said I could stay. I was willing to even pitch in for a week’s rent even though it would have been hard. He never did ask though, so I didn’t offer. Maybe that was wrong on my part. Maybe I should have had an apartment ready before I ended the relationship, but I felt that would have made it more devastating to him when I ended the relationship.

Next thing I know, I get a phone call and several emails from him saying that he was coming back to the apartment and he expected me to not be there when arrives. He literally wanted me to just pick up and leave with no where to go in the middle of winter. Since I had only lived in the city for a few months, I didn’t really have any friends. I also had no family there either. He even got his brother (who is a lawyer) to threaten to phone the police if I did not leave. My name unfortunately was not on the lease so there was some power on my boyfriend’s part. I really was never given any reason as to why all of a sudden my ex just booted me out the door, even after we had an agreement. I of course put up a fight about this and lost.

So there I was, crying to my best friend on the phone (who lives 4 hours away), packing as many things as I could, wondering where I was going to go. I only had a few hours to be out of there. I literally got in my car full of clothes and drove around trying to figure out where the hell I was going to sleep. I eventually did get some help from my dad and he helped me pay for a hotel. I really didn’t want to ask because he is in a worse financial situation than I am, but my dad is always willing to be there for me thankfully.

I still to this day have no idea why my ex did such a thing like that. We dated for so long and one would think that you would at least not want to see that person in a really rough situation, or especially put them in that situation on purpose. I have no closure. I am sure there are many questions he has about the ending of our relationship too so maybe this will shine some light.

Anyhow, if you made it to the end of this post, congrats and thanks for reading. Can anyone give me some advice as to how I can move past this chapter of my life and not be completely bitter and resentful?

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