thelifeandtimes

Here’s the story. Back in February, the girl I had been dating for a year broke it off rather abruptly and harshly. It tore me apart. She was my first love. Two months later I met this wonderful girl and we instantly had a great connection and hung out and talked constantly. We had nearly everything in common. Soon after we started dating which led to us becoming exclusive not long after that. Our relationship quickly blossomed into something I had never experienced before and we both came to the conclusion we had fallen for each other very quickly. Love was introduced into our relationship. After that point we became closer and closer and started thinking about what it would be like if we were married and had kids and lived together. The thinking slowly became planning. At one point we were both convinced that we were meant to be together forever and the thought alone gave me those ever so sweet butterflies. Even her family wants us to eventually get married. Her mom already calls me her son-in-law. <BR>
At first I was content with the thought that she could be my wife in 6-7 years or so, but for the last month or so, something has been nagging at me. I’m starting to think maybe this isn’t what I want right now. I’m starting to wonder if maybe we have too much in common. Maybe this isn’t as serious as I want to be right now. I jumped right into a extremely serious relationship from another and I am beginning to think it was a mistake. I feel as if I maybe missing out on several things and experiences in life. Don’t get me wrong, I do love her and care for her a great deal, but I wake up almost on a daily basis wishing that I would’ve met her several years from now, not at this junction in my life. Not this young. <BR>
Granted, I am ready in a sense to be in a straight committed relationship, but a part of me wants out. I don’t want to feel as if I’m already married, and that is exactly what I have been feeling like lately. Suffocated nearly. I know what I have with her and what she offers me and the way she treats me is something that is hard to find, so it’s not that I don’t appreciate and comprehend what we have, its just all a little too intense for where I am at in my life. I want the relationship we have now, but in several years when I can safely say I have lived how I wanted to live, you know? But the problem in lies how she would take all of this. She has a lot of psychological problems and disorders and is extremely dependant on me for support and the like. I am afraid at how she would take it all. And when are together these feelings and thoughts I have, seem to subside and everything is back to being perfect, until the next time we are apart then all the thoughts return. So then I think that these are just normal thoughts and fears and brush them aside, but lately it has started to become harder and harder to forget.<BR>
I honestly don’t know what to do right now. I have been so scatterbrained the last few days that its noticeable to everyone. I know I should talk to her, but, when someone has so much into a relationship and is counting on so much, how can you let them down easily? I need some advice.

World's King

Ask her how many times she's felt this way about someone.


I was with this girl for about six months. Lived together very quickly. Went from just dating to all in, in about a month. Pretty much exactly how you described your relationship... her mom wanted us to get married, she wanted to get married, her whole family acted like we were married. It drove me fuckin' nuts after awhile. Mind you at first it sounded super cool. Then one day I got in the conversation with her mother (who had been married 7 times I found out) and it comes up that my girlfriend at the time had been engaged three times before this. I was fuckin' pissed. Mainly cause she had told me she had never been in a relationship like this before. It took a bit for me to get the balls but I ended up leaving her.

She also had mental problems. She was avery angry person and look to booze and men to calm her down. She actually decked me when I broke up with her.

Just like drugs and booze... sexual relationships can be an addiction.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

catback

If you truely are young in the proper sense (a kid in other words) then you are right to see yourself as being too far ahead of yourself and you should slow the pace down a bit because the rest of your life is ahead of you. Granted there is no good way to tell your girlfriend that you feel that things are progressing too far too fast you need to tell her.

On the flip-side if your not what older folk would call a kid then your experiencing what alot of guys have, commitment issues/fear. It's common to have second thoughts and fears about committing to being with a girl for life since once you walk the path your unable to walk the other paths. If your looking for a remedy, there isn't one so you have to learn to live with it because even 6 or 7 years from now when you find yourself in the same situation you'll still have some issues with committing.

thelifeandtimes

I am 18. But I see what your saying. I want committment, but just not right now. That's what it all really comes down to.

Jozrael

What you say really resonates with me, I felt this way pretty strongly for a bit. But I decided that I didn't really need that part of my life and have decided that this is really what I want.

Granted, we've talked about marriage and it's a hopeful future, but it's not like either of us are banking on it or our families are involved, it's just between us. We've been together for nearly 6 months.

EDIT: I'm 18 as well.

Impetuous1

Wow, you're only 18 and her mom calls you her son-in-law! That's pretty f'd up. What is she thinking! IMO you almost definitely are too young for that level of commitment. Don't get me wrong, there are some people who do pull it off but it's really rare to meet someone who got hitched at 18 and are still together 10 years later. At this point in your life you should be trying to figure out who you are. Believe me, who you are right now will be pretty different than what you will be like at 30. Not to mention that your wants and needs may be completely different. Keep in mind that if you do get married at such a young age, there is a huge possibility that you could grow apart into completely different people. Think long and hard on this whatever you decide. Good luck.

*Nikki*

Let me just say in my opinion, your WAY to young to even have marriage on your plate. I think we don't even begin to start to understand ourselves as people until our twenties or later......

I would definately take a step or two backwards in this relationship.

cadre

I'd just like to say that my parents got married at 18 and it's been over thirty years since, my sisters both got married young and are still with their husbands.

As to the original post, you have to decide what you want to do. It may take alot of thinking but you need to figure that out before you bring this up to your girlfriend because once you say something like that it is hard to bring it back. You are young to be in a serious relationship but it happens and people have made it work. I can tell you that if you decide you need to be independant and you tell your girlfriend that, you cannot expect to get her back when you are ready to commit.

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My life is one of those 'you had to be there' jokes.

pig

l&t,

the good news is that you're aware of these feelings / thoughts, and that you're not trying to repress them anymore. you don't have to do anything drastic, at least from what i'm hearing. you may elect to, but you can probably just ease back on the marriage/baby talk a bit, and take it from there. frankly, what will be will be, in the sense that she will almost definitely realize that you're not moving full speed ahead with project Alter-Make-Baby, and that will likely lead to a conversation about your apparent change of heart at some point. that's the way these relationship things tend to go...the important thing is for you to realize that you're only as trapped as you let yourself be / choose to be.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

JustJess

It's not always a mistake to meet and marry young, but it often is. Just as much as you don't want to rush into marriage yet, neither should you rush into breaking up either. Yes, you are lucky to have such a relationship so young - many people spend their whole lives looking for what you have already. But on the other side, yeah, it's a big world, and you WILL change a lot. I think you should listen to pigglet, and just relax a little on the talking about future stuff, and enjoy the relationship as it is now.

Oh, and by the by... I married the man I met when I was 18 (he was 19), but not until I was 26. And yeah, we were together that whole time. It worked because we grew together, not apart. And we're really stubborn. It wasn't easy!

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My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.

abaya

Your situation reminds me of a similar one that I was in, when I was 19. My boyfriend at the time was 22, not a whole lot older, but he said the same thing to me towards the end of our relationship. He was 22 and felt way too young to be so serious about someone, even though he loved me (he said) and didn't want to hurt me. I was so confused.

In the end, as our mutual friend told me, he just wasn't mature enough (or ready enough, whatever you want to call it) to be able to walk the journey with me. And by correlation, I was not mature enough either, to be able to walk with him while he grew up. We just weren't well-matched enough to walk well together, as much as we thought we loved each other.

Love really isn't the key to everything, btw... it's a nice starter for things, but it doesn't get you terribly far. Compatibility and the potential to live 30, 40, 50 years *as a couple* are built on far more than love. And that's the kind of thing it takes a few more years to realize, before making a commitment like that. It may be that you will marry this girl... do you have to make a decision now? It may be that you won't. Why not hang around for a bit, tell her and her family to back off the marriage topic, and see how you grow?

Essentially, Jess is right... it's okay to meet the love of your life at a young age, but most people (on either side) aren't emotionally able to grow WITH someone else at that point. Most people can barely grow on their OWN, let alone alongside someone else's differently-timed growing fits and starts.

I met my husband when we were 24... and going on 3 years later, I'm absolutely convinced that if I had met him even 6 months earlier than that time, I wouldn't have been ready for him. And maybe he wouldn't have been ready for me. It comes down to timing, and being at the point where you can grow with (instead of against) each other. Only you can figure out where you're at, and you've GOT to talk with her about where she's at and what she expects.

One question: are either you or she religious? I am wondering if that has anything to do with the pressure to get married (esp. if you are not having sex till marriage, etc... is that the case?).

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Willy

18 is very young to be thinking about getting married. Not saying you should break up with her, but if you make those plans, talk about them like they're 5 years away hehe. There's no rush to get into that kind of thing when you're 18.

TexanAvenger

Babe's mom has called me everything except the word "son," including telling me that I'm already a member of the family. And that's cool, not "pretty f'd up" in spite of our being young.

It's all in the motivation. She doesn't do it to wrangle me, she does it because she feels like I'm getting there. That is very warming, definitely not fucked up.

surferlove007

Wow, total rough spot. If you feel a certain way, and yes you probably should at this age, then you need to do what your mind is telling you to do. If it doesn't feel right then follow your gut and take a break from this girl, or perhaps yall need to have a talk and slow stuff down. She'll probably take it personally, but if she is true about her feelings she should understand. Just do what you feel is the right thing to do.

Jozrael

What I think some people are missing here is the fact that she's emotionally unstable.

While it would definitely be the correct course of action here to ease off (and make this clear to your SO) now re your feelings...this has the potentiality for a lot more than a disappointed girlfriend for a little bit while she readjusts her view of the relationship. She's emotionally unstable, he's tied into the family, and this could rock a lot of people's worlds. Ideally, everyone will understand that he loves her, he just wants space and a bit of time to grow up and reinsert her as the dominant force in his life.

This gets quite a bit more complicated depending on your meaning of 'live life like I want to'. If that means live on your own, be single in terms of not married (or acting like it), even if in a relationship, etc., then the above still applies - difficult, but possible.

However, if you mean live life like I want to in the sense that you want to 'experience' a bunch of different people - then this gets a heck of a lot more complicated. As a guess, I'd imagine your gf wouldn't like that. So, if that's what you want, and you're not going to be happy without it, then this relationship really isn't right for you right now. So, you have the option of causing a lot of (temporary) pain to follow what you need (recommended) or repressing yourself into a lifetime of misery and what-if's with her. Just understand that this will cause a lot of grief with her if you just want to go out and get laid by a bunch of other people. (Even if there are other reasons as well).

One additional note with that: If, by unstable, you think there's ANY chance of suicide/severe injury to her/etc. by you mentioning either option A or B above, make sure you take the appropriate precautions that she's taken care of. Mention it to her mom first, and then her immediately after (don't want her finding out from her mom o.o) so that her mom's looking out for her in the short-term, at least.

A long-winded reply to say: this is complicated, and the bottom line is you've gotta follow what you want to do, or you're in for a lifetime of regret. Just try to minimize and plan for the repercussions. But go for it, man. If this is not right for you now, you have an ENTIRE lifetime ahead of you to find it later, with her or without her one of you decides it's not right at this time.

Follow your heart, with guidance from your mind.

OzOz

Yes, this is what jumped out at me too. thelifeandtimes, be very careful about this aspect. She could end up stifling you or wearing you down. My gut feeling, based on what you've written, is that you're probably right to back out of this one carefully. Psychological problems are not fun to live with. They destroyed my marriage - speaking as the one who had the problems.

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Maybe you should put some shorts on or something, if you wanna keep fighting evil today.

little_tippler

as a side comment, I really like what you say in your post Abaya.

these comments ring true for me:

Sadly, though she is a lovely girl and you may love her very much, It's the wrong time, and what you have is probably not enough.

Hard as it may be, I think you should try and ease things off, and gradually let her know what you feel. Then it's up to both of you what you do...split, or try and stay together but with a different mindset. From reading your post I think you want to get out...I hope things work out for the best.

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918