Jim Kata

Again, I'm hoping you fellow TFPers can come to the rescue as you have done many times in the past.

Been with the (now wife) for over 5 years. Everything is great...we get along...have fun...except for our sex lives.
Don't get me wrong....4 out 5 times its great sex, because well...its sex. But that 1 time out of 5 is what sex really should be. tons of foreplay, bust out the gadgets like I was James Bond, so on and so forth. But that only happens once a month or once every two months. All the other times its just a quick bang bang and go on with our days. This happens once a week if im lucky but usually once every 2 weeks.
Anyways....I've noticed that when I don't get some loving I become distant and she knows this too. We have discussed it hundreds of times and after the discussion, we have our fun. The next day there may be some fun again....but after that its back to once a week or once every 2 weeks (if I'm lucky).
I've gotten to the point where when she asks "whats wrong" I just say "I don't want to talk about it". and it boils me up inside. Because I KNOW she knows whats wrong because besides the no sweet sexing...we have a perfect relationship.
I've sort of given up talking to her about it because like I said...its been done hundreds of times. Its like I'm wasting my breath.
So my question is this.....are there any over the counter or even prescribed things that will lessen my libido, by A LOT?
I think this may be my only alternative because if I'm not horny and don't get any....it won't cause me to boil up inside.
I'm really tired of talking aobut this every 2 months with her and this has been going on for over 2 or 3 years and its always the same...its like beating a dead horse. We talk. We get down for a day or two...and then its back to nothing.

So......any advice on any of this is greatly appreciated, but some suggestions on something to keep my libido down would be really really appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

Bill O'Rights

Turn 40.

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"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

Charlatan

Salt Peter... a little on the mashed potatoes will fix that libido but good.

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Sultana

Are you sure it's just the unresolved horniness that's making you boil, or is it the fact that you've talked about it many many times and nothing seems to *really* change?

Do you guys have kids?

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"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Toaster126

I think the resentment is from her not seeming to do anything about it or care about the problem, not that there is a problem in and of itself.

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"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

Jim Kata

I'd say its a bit of both....but leaning more towards nothing seems to really change.

We don't have any kids.

Its all very very frustrating.

ratbastid

Sexual issues are usually the first place that relationship issues show up. Probably 97% of the time that lurkette and I have butted heads regarding sex... it wasn't about the sex.

Notice that you don't feel listened to or appreciated about this issue. That you feel taken for granted, that your needs aren't addressed with anything long-term. THAT'S what there is to deal with. The sex will happen or not out of that getting dealt with.

Sultana

I wonder if you make an appointment with a counselor, if that would get her attention. So many times people just blow off recurring problems until they become well-nigh insurmountable (no pun intended :P).

Do you feel like you're doing all the initiating? If so, and if you didn't initiate, how long do you think you guys would so without? How do you perceive her response when you do initiate?

To address the original post, I don't know of anything that can be relied on to lessen the libido, but seriously, I don't think that's the answer to your problem at all. You probably know that already as well.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

surferlove007

Maybe try going to couple therapy? Seems like the sex as a priority has flown away from her and you're still viewing it as extremely important, (and it is) and she's just not on the same page with it as you.
I don't really know what other options you have besides break it off, therapy, or try giving her a drought period. If she's ever in the mood just be like well I don't want to right now. And do that for a couple weeks or however long you can stand it and see what happens. Good Luck!

Jim Kata

I've thought about going to a counselor or mentioning it to her just to show her how this seriously affects our relationship.

Honestly...I've given up initiating. Its a real self esteem killer for me when I get denied over and over and over again so that its gotten to the point that I just don't try to initiate. And I've told her this as well.

Within the past year she told me that she wanted to be romanticized (which she never did before), so I even tried doing things like that for her....with no results.

and ghoastgirl....if I tried holding back the dick from her.....I would never get any.

Don't get me wrong people, I know that sex isn't everything in a relationship....but its definitely up there.

Glory's Sun

What really makes her go wild?? Find that *one* thing that she absolutely cannot resist and make a point of doing it. Then do it again. Maybe she'll open up more (pardon the pun) and you can get more sweet lovin' when you want it.

Sultana

*Please* do make an appointment with a counselor. It will communicate to her the seriousness of the issue. I'm sure this is fixable, you've just exhausted your own store of resources, time to try something different.

I've read somewhere here on TFP (I wish I could credit the author, sorry!)
"When the sex is good, it's 15% of the relationship. When it's bad, it's 80% of the relationship."

Or something to that effect. Strikes me as very accurate.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

surferlove007

I agree completely, if you contact a counselor it will express how serious the issue is to her and hopefully get things sorted out. Maybe shes got something on her mind and just doesn't know how to tell you?

vanblah

One question: is she on the pill?

The reason I ask is that your predicament sounds very similar to mine. My wife just didn't seem to have much of a sex drive when she was on the pill.

However, about two months ago the pharmacy screwed up her prescription (again). My wife just said f*ck it and stopped taking the pill.

Within a week or so she was almost begging for sex. Well ... maybe not begging, but certainly more aggresive about it.

Sultana

This happened to me. And I had been on the pill since I was a teen for other problems. I didn't even know there was a problem until I went off it...nearly 15 years later. I feel like my hubby and I lost a lot of... growth opportunities.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Jim Kata

She was on the pill for a couple of years....but has been off of it for a year. The first month or two of her being off of the pill was great. It was almost every day (just like how it was the first couple of years of us dating). But now that she is off of it, I can't really blame the pill, but instead my performance.

I decided that I am going to give it another try talking to her about it, but letting her know that counseling will be the next step.

guccilvr, I tried doing the things she is into. I am not much for restraining someone but she is....so I do that..all with smiles...i do research on it for different ways...ask her what she thought about it afterwards, what she liked, what she didn't.

Its really gotten to the point where I feel like the reason she isn't into it anymore is because I just can't satisfy her (lack of stamina), or I'm just that bad (even though she insists that isn't an issue). But thats when the toys come in .

Glory's Sun

When is the last time you two traveled somewhere new or tried something exciting?

Things like skydiving or other activites that bring out a rush of endorphins can cause a sexual urge. Sure this may be a one time thing, but it's also a time and feeling that she may want to duplicate. Maybe you should replicate your first date, first fuck. Make it interesting. Send her a note that you need her to meet you where you first met and show up looking like you did and go from there. Hell I don't know..but I'm not a fan of counseling so I'm trying to help out here.

You said you do it all with smiles. Perhaps you should play the bad guy when she's restrained. I mean.. you don't smile while she's tied up do you?? Also, how long do you wait to ask her how it was? Do you ask while she's cleaning up? If so, give it some time. Let her breathe then later on.. much later, ask her how it was and what she liked. If you are worried about how good it was to her and you ask her too soon/too often, she may be getting the idea that sex is a chore. :shrug:

About the pill thing, my wife has a huge sexual appetite (sorry I'm not bragging here) and the pill never changed her sex drive.

Jim Kata

When I said "all smiles" i meant with no complaints and acted (don't get me wrong...i enjoy restraining her...but not as much as her and not all the time) like I was all about it.

As far as talking to her about it...I easily give it a few hours or a day.

I am against counseling as well....but I'm willing to try anything to save our sexual relationship. Thats why I figured if I didn't get horny...it would never be an issue. Kind of dumb...but like I said...I'm willing to try anything. I even thought about going on Prozac because it was recommended by a doctor for my anxiety but I was against taking pills of that sort, but now with one of th epossible side effects being a decreased libido or longer duration before orgasm (the whole my performance in the sack issue).....i'm willing to disregard my whole belief on those type of meds.

Yeah, after re-reading what I just typed, I sound pretty pathetic and desperate. But I'm not really that pathetic. Desperate to fix this...yes, but not pathetic.

Sultana

Dude, you'd semi-seriously consider medication to supress a healthy, normal urge over going to counseling?

It's good to write it out, get some perspective.

No, you don't sound pathetic It's not easy.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Glory's Sun

so try this.. when you get home tonight..



just walk in and tie her ass up.

then leave and watch a game or something

Jim Kata

I'd probably go to counseling before a pill.....like I said.....anything goes. Plus right now I'm not thinking totally right since its bugging my brain. Which is going to make for a trainwreck of a convo with her about all this later...prolly not...but who knows.

you know how tempted I've been to do that.....but just come back to the bedroom with a sandwich and turn on the tv and just eat it. She would laugh for about a minute...but when I took my time eating I could see her getting all Linda Blair pissed off. Minus the devilish face and green pea soup vomit of course.

And....i sincerely want to thank you all for the advice. TFP to the rescue again.

Glory's Sun

no see.. she obviously likes you to be in total power

give her that. She may get mad for a moment, but at least you'll see some emotion right?

Tie her up, go do something, come back, tease her a bit, leave again, rinse repeat until she just can't take it anymore.

Sultana

Just so you know, this is a bit of a dangerous wire to balance on...I wouldn't mind being tied up, but being led on, then left...you better not ever untie me, as I'd murder you in your sleep.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

n0nsensical

yeah, i'd like to have a lessened libido for basically the same reason, i can't get any so i'd like to spend as little mental energy as possible thinking about sex. a few days ago i had an SSRI prescribed for depression and i'm hoping it will kill my libido as well. so far, it hasn't done that, but it does seem more difficult to have an orgasm, like i have to put more mental effort toward getting there. though i'm also on a pretty low dose; maybe the doc will up it.

Sage

Wow. I agree that you should be going to counseling and working through your problems with your wife instead of just wanting to take a pill to make your problems go away.

Don't be afraid of your feelings or of hers. This is an issue that needs to be dealt with in a mature manner, in the right way. You've tried talking to her about it to no avail, next step is to go to counseling about it. Really, you have three choices. 1- let things keep going on like they have been until you're so resentful towards her that every thing she does gets on your last nerve and you're counting down the days until she dies; 2- go to counseling, get help, fix the problem, live happily ever after; or 3- get a divorce now.

I shouldn't have to point out what the best choice of the three is

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Glory's Sun

teehee

I know it's a bit of a dangerous wire. I didn't mean to take it to extremes or anything. I know people in a serious bdsm relationship who have done this with their submissive counterpart. Now, I have nfi if his wife wants a bdsm style of relationship, but if she likes to be tied up, she may just enjoy the feeling of complete loss of power. It was just a thought. :shrug:

If she did get mad and ask why he did that, he could simply say he thought she would like it because she liked being tied up. It could leave the door open to more conversation and may even lead to her opening up about a possible bigger issue. People often say what they really feel when they are mad.

I'm not a shrink so .. I'm probably way off anyway.

doncalypso

Only God knows how long I've been trying to lower my sex drive.... to no avail.

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Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

World's King

It just sounds to me you're describing normal sex with a married couple.

I'm not even married yet and we've gotten to that point. On her birthday we had great sex. Next time after that I caught myself looking at the clock.

It just happens. Not all sex can be porn sex. If it was your wife would be bangin' the pizza guy.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

little_tippler

I agree, this sounds like a normal problem for many couples, a lot of womens' libidos aren't as high as the guys'. It really sucks and believe me I'm sure she worries about it too, but it might be beyond her to change that right now. Being on the other side of the fence, maybe I can offer some advice.

Are you sure she has no problems with anything? I mean, there could be something she's really displeased with in regards to you and so that makes her not want to have sex. Or maybe she doesn't feel as excited about you as before and can't get worked up as often for you. Try and keep things fresh and surprise her with new things once in a while - that don't focus on sex. I get the romantic thing, but if you've tried that, there must be something else you're doing that's still dampening her spirits. Apart from that, there could be a medical issue that she doesn't want to tell you about, because she's embarrassed. Is she in pain during sex? Is she unable to orgasm for some reason? Maybe sex isn't all that wonderful for her.

I'm sorry to throw this possibility out there, but have you considered that maybe there was always a problem, only before she was trying to make things work and please you? And now she's starting to think, I can't do this anymore. He needs to do this or that right. Or - I need to work out my problem because I can't face lying anymore.

Apart from these reasons, if there's nothing else, maybe her sex drive really has gone down and it might not change, whatever you do. It could just be that you are no longer sexually compatible. You can try and change your own libido, but I doubt that will make you happy. It might just be that you'll eventually have to move on, if you can't come to terms with the situation. I don't think that you should have to.

I hope you are able to work things out.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

analog

I can't stop laughing- partly because it's so funny, but also because it's so true.

Gilda

First, yes, of course there are drugs that will lower libido. There is a class of drugs known as anti-androgens, most of which are designed to combat androgen sensitive cancers or prostate problems, progesterones, a type of female hormone, and at least one high-blood pressure medicine. They all do basically the same thing in different ways, which is to lower the androgen activity in the bloodstream, which has an effect on libido, though how strong this effect is can vary from person to person depending on their endocrine system profile.

You don't want to do this because the sex drive you describe is normal and healthy and isn't in itself causing you problems, and the problem isn't with the sex drive so much as the frustration involved in your sexual relationship with your wife. The drugs involved also have side effects that you don't want to risk if it isn't necessary. Reducing your sex drive might offer some relief of one of the symptoms, but it isn't going to fix the underlying problem, which will still be there and still need to be addressed.

In regards to the suggestion above that you just take charge and tie her up and go about your business, for a person who is into sexual submission this can be very frustrating, which can in turn be very stimulating. I speak from quite a bit of experience as the sub in a d/s relationship. The frustration that comes from the teasing, the feeling of helplessness and giving over power to another person, those can all be powerful stimulants for the right person.

The key here is for the right person and doing it safely and with respect for the other person. You must discuss it with her first, make sure that she's really into it, establish boundaries, and set up a safety word along with an understanding that you will both honor it if things go to far. Bondage and domination play can be an absolute blast with the right partner, but it isn't something you get into without making sure that both are into it and both know the rules and boundaries.

Don't look at counseling as a failure. You have a problem that you need to deal with and there are people who specialize in helping people sort through this sort of problem. Counseling for a couple's problem is going to be most effective if both people go, but you can still get something out of it with just one person.

Please get some professional help. It really is your best course of action.

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