RCR

I have never been jealous before in my semi short life (im 20) however last night i was....and i now i understand Shakespeares definition of Jealousy as a Green Monster.

Just a bit of quick background. I have been seeing this incredible girl for 7 months now. By far and away my longest relationship. Previously i had only had short flings/one night stands.

We however live in different countries. Im in England, she is in Germany. We met whilst i was working in Germany.

Its not all bad though, pretty much every weekend either i fly to her or she flies to me. And we are really making the long distance thing work. I love her more than i can express, and believe she feels exactly the same(i was the first boy she has ever said i love you to,) Not once in our 7 months have we fought, and every moment together is just incredible. (Basically the relationship is a goodun )

We both attend University. She has a nice group of friends, who are mostly male. This is absolutely fine as far as i can see. Furthermore she isnt the kind to go out and party and she is definetley not flirty. I like the fact that she is around some good honest guys because it prevents other men from trying to hit on her.

That is until she starts telling me that she has met this really nice guy, lets call him Daniel, he sounds a great guy and initially im not too fussed. Im a great believer in trust and trust her implicitly. I dont, however trust this guy.

Here are my reasons:

He is a "Player" and has never believed in love until he hears about our relationship from my GF

He tried asking her out before he knew that she had a BF.

He calls her quite often, just to see how she is, over New Years he called at 6am in the morning.... now guys just dont do that unless they want the girl, its not just being friendly imho.

He tries to give her massages,

This one is probably petty on my part, but, one time my GF told me that he tried to have a relationship with her knee, as he thought it was the most beautiful knee in existence.

Ok so none of these things bugged me too much, until yesterday. I had a nice long chat with my GF this morning and found out what she did last night. (i had a general idea as she tells me what her plans are)

My GF went to his house yesterday to do some serious studying, he lives about a half hour from her in the university town. And they study for 4 hours or so, then she says that they went out for a pizza and then came home and watched some DVDs and made Caiparini's. And his "mom" made Muffins....

So last night for me was one of complete anguish and no sleep, the things your mind can think up when its tired and doesnt know the full story are unbelieveable

The reason i am so worried is that in all my past known social interactions, a guy just doesnt invite a beautiful girl(she is really pretty) to his house and then offer for her to stay the night and drink cocktails and watch movies with him espeically without an ulterior motives.

Im going to see my lady on tuesday, and i you guys, how i should broach the subject. I feel genuinely hurt. I dont want to be the kind of jerk Boyfriend who wont allow his GF to have male friends and spend time with them, thats just not fair or natural, but i believe this draws the line.

How do i talk to her about this?

best,

TheBrit

Ask to meet Daniel, and see what you make of him. He may be a geniunly nice guy. I had a similar issue, my girlfriend is really good friends with this guy, they spend a lot of time with each other, etc. I eventually met him, and whilst it's clear he's attracted to her I know he wouldn't do anything.
Also, now I know where he lives, in case he does .

RCR

Damn, i ommitted that i had indeed met him.

He didnt speak to me, though i made attempts in German(im crap at german still) and have just found out that his english is superb.

He is such a BS artist, he told my girlfriend that if we "EVER" broke up then his ability to be believe in love would be destroyed. GF thinks that was a really cute thing to say....i think hes a cuniving little $hit.

Cheers though Brit

best,

Poppinjay

Fortunately, you don't need to trust him, you need to trust her.

He sounds like a shit. That line about his belief in love sets her up to be hedonistic anti-love fuckbandits should she break up with you.

So, decide whether you trust her or not. But do talk to her about it and get answers. Don't be mad, look at this as an opportunity to make the relationship stronger. At 7 months, you're probably still in the head over heels stage.

__________________
I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

RCR

I do trust her, implicitly.

The thing that really hurts is the fact that she is completely oblivious that she has hurt me. Staying with this guy, then going out for a meal, coming back drinking cocktails and watching a movie then staying at his house for the night. To her that is no problem, becuase she doesnt like him that way, she sees him as a good friend. Fine, but no doubt this $hit doesnt feel that way, i mean what kind of a guy will do that when he knows that the girl is going out with someone....I for one would sure have her over and study but if i didnt fancy her i would never take her out for a meal then invite back home for drinking and to stay over.

Im actually shaking im so worried, love huh.

Thanks for your thoughts poppinjay, much appreicated.

ratbastid

From what you've said, it sounds like the guy is trying to work her. That "if you ever break up" line is about as manipulative as they come. But who cares what kind of guy he is? What matters is the kind of girl she is.

What kind of guy will do all this stuff? A pathetic, lonely, miserable excuse for a man. Don't be mad at him. Have pity on him.

If you think about it, her obliviousness actually works in your favor. Think about how shocked and upset she'll be when he finally makes an unequivocal move. You might want to talk to her about sparing her that pain, actually.

RCR

Cheers ratbastid, much obliged.

Just went for a drive to clear my head, feel abit better

all the best

Daniel_

If you can trust her you're sorted.

Just remember, you can NEVER trust a guy called Daniel...

__________________

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Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
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jth

Yeah man if you trust her then it should be 'cool' in terms of you and her.

That doesn't make things cool in any other way. This cat is trying to get with your Girl desperately and he knows that she won't go for him when she's with you so he is trying to subvert the situation by planting thoughts in her head about 'breaking up' and things like that. He's scum, he's not your girlfriends friend even if she thinks that he is. He wants to screw her and that's all that there is. She'll realize it when he tries something and then that's your cue to come to the rescue emotionally and prove that your instincts were right.

And subsequently is the prime moment to kick his ass... if you are into that sort of thing. I know I would

RCR

Jth,

Do you think the best bet is to explain to her the fact that by all accounts the guy is trying to F3ck her, which i have no trouble believing. She however wont believe this i fear, and subsequently i will be made to look like a jerk

I just had a good long talk with her, it was really good, however one thing got me worried. She is tired and stressed (exams, parents are fighting) however i asked her what time she went to bed last night. She didnt answer and after a pause she changed the subject. I then asked her again and she said about 2 am because they were watching some comedy DVD's (for the brits they were watching Coupling which is a surprisingly bit hit over there)........

best,

xepherys

Just be careful how you approach this, if you do, with your girl. Females have this thing in their brain, and the other dude flipped the switch to on. Now if you go off on a tirade about how this "so sweet" male friend of hers is a jerk and just wants to get into her pants, YOU, my friend, will be labelled the jerk. I suggest playing it ultra cool and just making mention of it briefly, but don't ASK for details. Something like, "Hey sweetie, how was your night the other night with Daniel?" or even play devil's advocate and suggest she hang out with him more because you think it's good she have male friends to look out for her while you're not there to protect her. This does a few things. It implies you are not jealous... girls dig that. It implies you are concerned for HER well being and HER happiness above your own. Girls REALLY dig that. The benefit is that it's almost impossible for it to backfire on you. If she hangs out with him more and ends up leaving you for him, it would've happened anyway. This way, you don't make that decision for her. Don't get me wrong, though... from what you've said, I think you have no real worries at all. Jealousy is a pain in the ass. Keep us posted.

Martian

RCR, don't raise the subject. She may realize already that he's just trying to get in his pants or she may not, but it's going to be difficult nearing impossible for you to bring it up in any way that won't cast you in a bad light (jealous, overprotective, possessive).

Really, if she loves you and you trust her, you've got nothing to worry about. It will sort itself out; he's either going to try to make a move and fall flat on his face, or he's going to realize that she's not going to break up with you and move on to easier prey. Either way, there's not really anything needed from you except to stay the course.

If he does make a move, don't say anything that could be construed as 'I told you so'. In that case she'll have just had her judgement on the guy proven very wrong and she'll be a bit tender on the subject. You do not want to rub salt in the wound.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

jth

no I don't think you should. If this guy is going to try and pull his shit on her she will find out for herself and learn an important lesson. It's a dark thing to say yes, but I think that you should focus on your relationship with her, and if this guy tries to get it with her and she rejects him as you believe she will, and I'm sure she'll reject him... it will play itself out.

No one likes to be told who they can and cannot be friends with. A long distance relationship is a dellicate thing that you need to be careful. If you started to come down on him to her saying that all he wants is her goodies then yes, she will perhaps either A- think it's sweet or B- think you are trying to control her, or whatever... anyway you'll figure it out, you seem to know the score.

RCR

Yeah cheers guys, i have had some sleep now, and i think it is best to let sleeping dogs lie. She does just see him as a friend. And i know this girl, when she sees someone as a friend, thats just it. In her mind there is nothing more.

I dont think she will do it again, i will concentrate on making my relationship with her even stronger.

Thanks

yosho

good luck man, I know long distance can be a pain

I think you should voice your thoughts to her, and let her tell you that he means nothing more than just a friend...maybe just hearing those words out of her mouth will make u feel better.

Tell her how you honestly feel, tell her that you don't mean to be jealous and controlling, but that you can't help feeling it a little bit...and then say it's only cause you care about her so much. And if she really cares about you, she'll be sympathetic and if the guy ever did try anything on her, she'll back away.

__________________
mm...sex is fun

RCR

Thanks Yosho, im heading to Germany tonight, cant wait to see her, and this is exactly what i will do.

cheers everyone for their mature and honestly very helpful replies.

best,

Ustwo

First, while women will state men can be oblivious to their advances, women can be just as bad.

I was in a long distance relationship with my gf (now wife) for quite a while, though not as bad as yours. She had a TA who was obviously comming onto her (gave her extra points in class, invited her to some tree hugging group meetings, etc) and she just wouldn't believe that he was anything but a nice guy, after all he knew she had a boyfriend . As a male you know how it works, but a lot of women tend to just miss the obvious, that being most guys are not just 'nice' to you if you are cute and of dating age without wanting to get in your pants. Well anyways University rule was if a TA dates a student they get kicked out so he never asked her out....until of course she was done with his class. It was a nice 'I told you so' moment for me.

Anyways if your girl is like that you have nothing to worry about. Sooner or later he will make his move (and he will if given half a chance) and she will tell you about it.

Then there is the chance she is the type that will cheat on you, and if so then think of this as a blessing, its much better to find that type out early rather than later.

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rofgilead

If you have a really strong relationship, and she really loves you, I don't see why if you told her your feelings and asked her not to hang out with that guy that she shouldn't do that? A relationship is a two-person thing, and if one of you is doing something that the other doesn't like/enjoy I think it is fine to talk about it. Other people on this thread seem to be acting like its all a game where if you act a certain way you'll be the fool, so you have to play it cool and set things up against another guy. That is stupid. Relationships should not be games! They should be open, honest, and communicative.

What happens if she is all stressed out, there is alcohol involved, and something happens? Why even have you girlfriend around a guy like that? Sounds stupid to me.

Just my thoughts.

Sultana

Because there is a line easily crossed between asking someone not to hang out with a friend, and being controlling and dictating all sorts of things that it's really not their place to dictate. She's not a child, and likely not an idiot. Even if she's in a relationship, it's still *her life*, and she gets to make those choices. Even if by some folks' standards she makes a poor choice, it's still her choice.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

RCR

Thanks for all your replies, they have been really helpful and well balanced.

I have just spent 5 wonderful days with my GF. I did indeed talk to her about it, and the talk was really good. Im really happy in the fact that we have a really good relationship based on communication, i basically told her everything on my mind. I told her that yes i was jealous, and i was hurt. That i didnt want to every dictate who she sees and hangs out with, that sort of thing is just self destructive in a long distance relationship.
When she spoke she was very persuasive, and also really understanding. Told me i had absolutely no grounds whatsoever to feel worried.

This is who she is, she has always had *close* male friends, she doesnt like the bitchyness of female cliques. She merely likes this guy as a friend.

The thing i liked most was, on the night she was hanging out with him(the saturday), she noticed he had the Da Vinci code in English, she knew i wanted to read it, so she borrowed it for me from him....

I feel also that it has made our relationship stronger, and i know that if this prick tries anything, she will tell me the moment he does, and reject him point blank.

She has extremely high morals, is intelligent, mature and has a very strong character.
And i trust her implicitly.

Thanks again guys,

very best

ratbastid

Great work, RCR.

Particularly, great work at letting her know all of it. You didn't try to manipulate her or make her do anything, you were just honest about where you were at. That's ALWAYS the best policy. Isn't communication cool?

RCR

Thanks ratbastid, also your previous comment at the beginning of the thread was really helpful. Thanks again,

all the best

AClassicGirl1

*disclosure: I started typing all this prior to reading every post and discovering that you already had a very good chat with her! AWESOME! I like your girlfriend. Sounds like me. Although I still wouldn't hang out with some guy if my BF was at all uncomfortable with him. But if it works... thank God. Think you guys have something really good going. I'm going to go ahead and post anyway... maybe someone else will find it useful*


From a girl's point of view...

NO girl is THAT oblivious to a guy putting THAT serious of moves on her. If some guy was rubbing on my knee, or any other body part, offering massages, inviting me out alone, calling me... showering me with attention and time... I would KNOW what he was out to get. ANY girl does. Even your girl. Trust me.

My guess is that she likes the attention. She likes being the object of his desire. She likes feeling attractive and special. Sorry, this is probably a sock in the gut, but it's true. I'm not saying that you are not providing enough for her, you are obviously involved and attentive and deeply in love with her. I think she is expressing her needs to you without actually coming out and telling you forthright.

What I do appreciate about your girlfriend is that it doesn't seem that she is being secretive about his advances... I hate to play the devil's advocate here but I really doubt she is telling you every explicit detail about their conversations - you must consider the worst in a situation like this - that guy is very manipulative. I'm sure that he tells her all SORTS of romantic things and she just doesn't have the heart to tell you. He's a RAT! You don't bother with a man or woman that is already in a happy relationship!!! He's playing her friend and he's just trying to get in her pants. My bet is that she is nothing but a challenge to him - if he ever gets her, he'll disappear. Where are all her guy friends during all this? Shouldn't they be intercepting and showing her just what a terd Daniel is?? What are guy friends there for? They're supposed to be like your big brothers!!!

I KNOW that she knows what's going on. Why she's doing it? That's another story. Is she trying to let you know without coming out and saying it that she wants to be physically closer to you - she wants a convienient boyfriend that can be with her a couple times a week? Is she testing you to see if you are willing to step up your commitment and claim her for your own?

My advice is based upon what I would want to hear from my guy. I would expect him to tell me flat out that he's thinking that this guy is just trying to get in my pants (something that she already knows, for sure) and is that what I want, and if not, then he's wondering just why it is that I am spending time with Daniel. That Daniel sees me as a conquest. I'd expect him to give some clues to open my eyes to Daniel's intentions and that it HURTS my boyfriend that I'm allowing this to happen, and that although he loves and trusts me, staying clear of those with questionable motives is fundamental for a lasting relationship. Remember this guy is manipulative and will be there to comfort her if you come across the wrong way. It's important not to sound desperate or demanding during this - express your love and your tenderness and your genuine concern about the damage that that dork Daniel has the potential to wreak on your relationship. If you haven't already, now's the time to discuss your future together.

By the way, I'm in a similar relationship - by boyfriend and I are in a LDR - we see each other about every 3 or 4 weeks - and we are very deeply in love.

Good luck do you!! Seriously.

-Lis

Menoman

Cool that it's all resolved.

I'm just throwing out my thoughts on the situation.

I think I have a good hold on the thought process this fella is using, coz I've used it before once or twice /shame shame? maybe..


Anyway, I doubt he's gonna try anything on her, but he's planting the seeds. If/When you two should break up, he's the fall back guy. He becomes the best friend, and then when the times comes she goes to him to cry on his shoulder.


As I've found out though, it hardly ever works.

Once you're on the 'friend ladder' a ladder jump just doesn't happen often :P

__________________

RCR

Well I have been away from my GF since last sunday, and i am still always really thinking about this problem.

Lis,

Your post was excellent, and very insightful. I will be seeing my lady on friday, and truth be told, i have to tell her that this has hurt me.

I think the best bet is to first her what her understanding of the matter is. Because it is terrifyingly difficult 1000km away to make a really sound and reasoned judgement.

Furthermore, tomorrow is valentines day. She has the whole day with no lectures and will be revising really hard. Now i am so scared that this f$ckwit will call her and ask her for dinner or something....its really scaring me.

Menoman,

You make a very good point, once you are on the friend ladder it is supremely difficult to make the jump across, and i know she only sees him as a friend.

Well thanks guys, i hate this predicament so much.

very best,

RCR

Please could you go into more detail as to how i broach the subject that i am incredibly uncomfortable.

This would be an absolute non event if i was there, but im not, and this bastard sees her every day

Though the good thing is, that they are on holiday next week, and no more uni, so i guess i can breathe a sigh of relief. And i plan to be with her every single weekend from now on, waiting 2 weeks is just too much

balinksi

If you truly trust her then you should feel confortable talking to her about this. Tell her you know nothing is going on between them but it hurts you to know that they are together goign out for a meal, snuggling up for a movie etc. You might want to find out what it is that he is offering her in order for her to spend this kind of time with her.

RCR

Just a little update,

My lady came to stay with me for 11 days at my uni in england. The night before she came to england there was a party for everyone in her course. So she went and had a great time, this guy Daniel was also there.

So she tells me that she got talking to quite an attractive guy, and they were having fun chatting about cars, what they have driven etc (my GF loves cars ) anywho this daniel guy actually becomes jealoous and tries to get her away and come dance with him. She tells me that she just ignored him as she can talk to whomeever she feels like. So later that evening Daniel is very drunk and somewhat pissed off. She comes over and tells him he has no right to be jealous. he answers that he loves her.

She doesnt believe him and kind of makes light of the situation, however her friends were saying he is deadly serious.

So my girlie was telling me all this and i didnt do anything. I didnt do the !aha told you so routine" or anyhting. I just sat there and listened.

We then talked about it, and basically everything is A ok, i have been pretty mature and she really only sees him as a friend.

One evening when we were falling asleep a little drunk, she said " You shiukd never worry about stupid boys" this was extremely heartening because she had never referred to him like this,

She has really been great in helping me face my fears, really comforting and loving.

Thankfully this f£ckwit now has a new girlfriend who he met that night actually, and my GF says that the told her he was in love with this new girl. As previously mentioned in the begininng of this thread, this prick has never felt love before so hes really now giving it a go now!

So im actually going to Germany tonight for the weekend, cant wait. But the sad thing is, for me anyway though i am getting through this, as long as she knows or keeps seeing this guy it will be a problem for me...a small one albeit, but a problem none the less.

Thanks for listening gang,

best wishes

analog

Damn, he is good.

....sorry. lol

But really... if you trust and respect your girlfriend, you gotta believe nothing will happen unless you're proven otherwise. It sucks, but that's the way it is. You gotta have trust.

rabbits

Glad it worked out. As a female, trust me, if a man said that about my knee i would label him in my mind as the biggest half brain going, and would never ever, ever consider him in a romantic way. the quote about being in love with my knee would keep flashing up in my head! So, don't worry

Ustwo

"but you say he's just a friend, you say he's just a friend..."

My faith in males has been restored, looks like I was right on that one. Glad your girl wasn't the type to fall for it.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.