Seer666

Happy? Hum. Interesting concept. Am I happy? On somedays. I have never been a highly emotional person. I am incredably closed off. Even those people that I would willingly and knowingly damn myself to take care of don't truely know everything about me. They don't need to. They know that I am willing to sell my soul to take care of them if I have to, and that is enough. I don't see near enough of them these days. It's been over a year sense I've had a chance to lay eyes on them face to face. Happiness is a mixture of things. I am fairly unhappy a lot, but I am aware of the reasons, as such, it's simple to deal with. Just suck it up and move on untill the time which I can change these factors. If you are feeling unhappy, you have to take a look, not at the things you have so much, but in what ordr you rank them, how they interact with each other, and what it is that is missing. Could be something as simple as a challenge in your life. Maybe that fear that with having everything you want, if one thing goes wrong, it will chain react and you will lose everything. Could simply be bordom. That is not an insult to your friends and loved ones at all. That they are there is a good thing, and something to be thankful for, but sometimes, you find, as I did years ago, that even though they are importent to you, you are at a point in your life where you are stagnating. No new challenges to over come, no risks to take, no chance to feel alive and stand on your own against your own future. Think hard about it. You might be surprised at the things that come across your mind.

__________________
Bad spellers of the world untie!!!

I am the one you warned me of

I seem to have misplaced the bullet with your name on it, but I have a whole box addressed to occupant.

alansmithee

I disagree-ignorance is a state of mind. And note I said lasting happiness. I sometimes find myself able to have temporary happiness, but it's at times when I am able to escape from the real world (usually through some mental diversion/opiate, like watching TV or playing some game). But when I picture myself down the road, I know that until I die, I will always be driven to do more, because there's always more to be done.

Mantus

- There is bad and there is good in the world. A child dies a child is born. Love is lost because love was won.

- Happiness by nature does not last. It's a chemical process in one's brain. The cognitive state is being content or calm which is not quite the same but comprable.

- Happiness is not found in the past or the future but in the only moment we actually exist - which is now. So it's not a final state, it's the current state.

- You make goals sound like a bad thing. The jurney is part of the adventure, without it our destinations would be meaningless.

If one achieves everything one wanted to perfection. One would be so very bored.

Ok, yah I know, allot of half-full mumbo jumbo but I believe it. It's the existentialist in me.



Guilda, it sounds clinical but I am no doc. Does your therapist recomend drugs?

tec-9-7

Not really; no.

I seem to recall being happy as a child, but past about 6th grade... I'm just not sure. I know I've had happy times, but that's about it. I honestly have no idea what would "allow" me to be happy... I think I'm getting to the point where I'd settle for 'content'.

abaya

Gilda, as far as I know, SSRI treatment is not "permanent" in any way. You can try a pill and see how it works, and if you don't like its effects on your personality (hell, you might REALLY like its effects, think about the positive!), you can get off them.

I have not tried SSRI's yet, though I am completely open to trying them if I get to a point of being perpetually depressed again sometime in the near future. Two of my closest friends are on them, as well as both of my parents, and I think it makes them MORE able to be themselves as a result.. it certainly doesn't take away anything from their personalities (and I know these four people pretty damn well, from before and after the meds!). And if they wanted to go off them, well I'm sure their doctor would arrange that for them.

I highly recommend at least giving the SSRI's (in combination with therapy) a decent try. And remember there isn't just one pill for everyone... there are a few you can try to see which one works (similiar to birth control, I guess).

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Gilda

Heh. Every gynecologist I've had in the past five years has tried to get me on some kind of hormonal birth control to regulate my period, which is very irregular with severe PMS pretty much every cycle. But it seems foolish to me to mess with nature unless its absolutely necessary. It's not like its my arm, which is a physical problem that requires medical attention. This is my mind, and I can't help but be reluctant to try what amounts to a prescription recreational drug.

I think maybe I just need to admit defeat and go back into therapy. Maybe I'm just not capable of doing this by myself.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

abaya

Two things:
1) Your first sentence depends on what you think is "absolutely necessary." If I had nasty PMS every month, I'd probably consider that "absolutely necessary" to take care of, simply for the normal life I'd like to have on those days of the month. It's a quality of life question, depending on what you want. Do you get any enjoyment out of those days of PMS? Do you get any enjoyment out of not being happy? Believe me, I am an advocate of learning from one's suffering and not being a cop-out on life. I'm just not that much into subjecting myself to pain on a regular basis, if it can be treated.

2) In saying "it's not like my arm, it's my mind," you seem to be engaging in the very old and Western idea of a mind-body dichotomy. That is, assuming that there is no link between the two. Gilda, remember that your mind is run by your brain, which IS a part of your body (last I checked?)! I don't mean to make fun, but to emphasize to you that your mind is VERY much a physical entity, and that very often this is what causes mood/personality issues for people (the actual chemical basis of mental processes). If you value your mind as much as you value your arm, I still recommend you at least try some SSRI's or something related, after talking with your doctor.

Again, my opinion. But I have just seen too many cases similar to yours to come to any other conclusions. As I said, I have been in therapy for going on three years now and I would still give SSRI's a try if therapy wasn't enough. Some things are really NOT all in your head.

Please let us know how therapy goes. I am sure a large number of TFP'ers have done it, and are still doing it. I, for one, support you!

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

maleficent

you know this but i am going to tell you anyhow... Admitting that you need some help is the furthest thing from defeat... anything to make you feel like the person that everyone else sees is a positive step - We'll have none of this defeat talk... seriously...

you are capable of doing anything... but maybe, just maybe you need a little help, and that help is a positive thing...

__________________

shesus

I agree with Mal. Admitting that you need help is not a sign of defeat, it is a sign of strength. It's admitting that you have some things to work on and you want to use the resources available for help. Therapy is there for a reason and you shouldn't not be feeling defeated. If that will make you a stronger person and a happier, more content person go for it.

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

skier

I'm not happy, nor sad. I can't think of any terms that properly express how I feel about the status of my life. Happy and sad are relative, higher or lower than my "normal" state. I don't endeavor to be "happy". I can't always feel better than I usually am because that means happy has become the median, the norm. I feel many things when I reflect on my life and what i've accomplished- joy, pride, regret, anger, embarrasment, shame, satisfaction.

In my life I now seek out things that give me pleasure, excitement, danger, challenge me, or make me afraid. They have value- whether economic, emotional, or for my inner self. I don't believe in the goal of safety- if I stay somewhere safe and comfortable I will stagnate. Once you stop taking risks you lose out on potential benefit. It doesn't mean I don't see the value in safety or comfort, just that it should be moderated. Protect the ones you love. Feel the comfort and safety of those you can trust; and also risk yourself by trusting them.

The best thing I believe I can do in my life is to take risks, to keep moving forward. Learn new things, and live up to the principles I believe in. To better my life, and the lives of those around me, that is the "happiness" I have found.

__________________
"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

Gilda

I have no idea how to go about finding a psychiatrist--my previous therapist was the psychotherapist specializing in sexuality who was treating Sissy at the onset of her transition, and she's not in therapy any longer, so I can't just go see hers, and these aren't sexuality related issues that I'm dealing with any more. I mean, they are, in that much of what's going on with emotionally probably stems from sexual and physical abuse, and from my parents rejection of me due to my sexuality, and my inability to deal with those things myself.

But . . . ok, I'm not sure if these are sexuality issues, or just personality issues stemming from the sexuality stuff.

I don't know, it seems like it would be silly to just go into a therapist and say, "I'm not happy and I don't know why." Even though I just did that here.

Even though Grace assures me that money isn't an issue, I can't help but be aware that a psychiatrist costs a lot more than a psychotherapist with a masters degree, about double actually. But a psychotherapist or psychologist can't prescribe medications that I might be needing sometime in the distant future, after I've given this another chance. I'd hate to need that prescription sometime down the road and then have to switch therapists because I made the wrong choice to begin with. Then again, maybe that is a good way to go, because if I do need the medicatiions that might be a good indicator that the therapy didn't work, and I should switch.

Well, I really didn't mean to go off on that as a tangent, but no, of course not. Migranes, cramps, unfocused anxiety, sudden crying spells, unipolar depression (why can't I at least get the bipolar kind; at least then I'd get some good from it) and fatigue are not pleasant things. But it's only one or two days ever 26 to 38 days depending on how long my cycle is that month. The accupressure massages Grace gives are a nice compensation though, I do like those, a lot.

I get that. However, I'm not sujecting myself to those things, they're just my body's natural way of doing things. It also seems like an extreme solution for a minor problem. I'm not having sex with men, and I'm sterile anyway, so taking hormonal birth control just for the side effects seems like overkill. And there's that long list of potential side effects for not much gain.

What I meant was that my arm is a physical problem. The physical problem can be observed, and measured, and with a skilled enough surgical team, fixed, nearly entirely without my having to be involved in it except to do the physical therapy, and even that's an observable, measurable thing. And my arm was the result of an injury, repairing it is just putting it back the way it was before the injury.

It's hard not to think that maybe the part of me that they'll change is the part of me that makes it so that I'm a good teacher or a caring lover or the part of me that was able to be there for Sissy back when she still needed me, or some other part of me that I like. Like the obsessive cleanliness and order. That's actually a pretty nice benefit that I wouldn't want to lose, and that's one of the things, OCD or symptoms thereof, that these drugs are supposed to "treat".

I don't want to be my mother. I don't want to lose myself in a haze of pills to make me happy, put me to sleep, fix my anxiety, and alcohol to numb the pain when none of that proved anything but a temporary fix. I realize that she has the distinct disadvantage of living with my father, but still.

I'd like to try just the therapy first. If this is a physical/chemical brian thing that was caused by my being depressed, maybe it can be fixed by fixing the depression/anxiety/insomnia.

I'll talk to Grace about finding me a new therapist, and talk to her/him. I wouldn't know how to do it on my own, and she does work at the University medical center. Or maybe not. Maybe I'd be better off seeing someone not in any way affiliated with the university. I don't want to hurt my reputation.

God, even once I've made the decision, it doesn't get any easier, it just gives me ten new decisions to make, ten new things to worry about. At some point this has to get easier, doesn't it? Yeah, I know it doesn't, it's just the nature of life, but it's a nice fantasy to escape into once in a while.

Thank you for your feedback, it's been very helpful.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Gilda

Good for you, and I mean that sincerely. I'm glad to hear from those for whom this works.

But you also eliminate the consequences. It's a balance of potential benefit and potential harm. If the potential for harm is greater than the potential for benefit, it makes sense, to me anyway, to not take the risk.

Again, good for you. If that's what brings you joy, go for it.

Personally, I don't think it's possible to be too safe or too comfortable. That feeling of safety and comfort is exactly what I'm looking for right now.

I don't get this. There's no risk involved here, at least not for me. I trust Grace absolutely, and I trust Sissy not to intentionally hurt me. I say intentionall, because I know she definitely will hurt me. She grows more independent by the day, she's actually reached the point where I she doesn't need me any more. Some day she'll get married or go to med school and she'll leave, and because I'm so emotionally invested in her as a person, that's going to hurt me, event though it's exactly what I want for her, to not need me any more. Damn, that makes no sense.

Glad to hear it. I'm not one of those for whom taking risks is a source of satisfaction, but for those for whom it is, I applaud you.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Gilda

I agree with this entirely.

This part, not at all. For example, one of my goals is not to screw up the good stuff in my life and lose that while I'm trying to fix the bad stuff. Don't lose my job or alienate my family, and learn to be happy with what I have.

If I could achieve those goals, being bored wouldn't be a concern.

I'm not currently in therapy. I lost my therapist when I moved, and haven't gone back. I've decided to do so again, but I'm not sure how to proceed from here.

maleficent: Thank you. I'll try to keep that in mind.

shesus: Maybe I shouldn't feel defeated, but I do. Just like I don't feel content with my life, even though I should.

And thank you everyone for the advice and for sharing. At least it's helped me to make a hard decision. Now comes the really hard part, acting on that.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

skier

To me, the greatest risks I take are emotional risks. I have a hard time trusting others and feel very uncomfortable if I have to depend on another. Most of these people have never given me any reason to doubt, but being "safe and comfortable" to me would mean never opening up to another person so they can't hurt me if I relied on their help. Overcoming that fear is a sense of pride and joy, as well as realizing I can depend on these people.

Your trust is a wonderful thing, and I think it's great that you have enough emotional strength to completely trust another. That there is such a huge gap that you can't make sense of my statement shows how strong you are.

As for taking risks, of course you need to figure out what the risk is, how big it is, and the chance of failure, while weighing it against the potential benefit you might get if you succeed. Sometimes just making the decision to risk yourself is the success. But not taking any risks at all means you stay where you are, never growing or changing.

__________________
"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

maleficent

There's that word again... Stop worrying so much about what you SHOULD feel instead focus on what wouold make you content... which I think is a much better choice of words than happy, by the way. Focusing on what should happen will drive a person crazy... we all should do certain things...

you can do whatever you put your mind to... you attended several parties this past holiday season that you didn't think you'd otherwise be able to... you found it somewhere inside you to do it... and not to sound shallow, but you looked amazing int he process... and not to sound shallow again, but if a source of strength for you is to buy yourself a new therapy dress... and go to therapy in that dress... well - it's a perfectly valid reason to shop...

__________________

Xazy

Wow a lot to say in total, but I guess I can begin here. In the Mishna (A book by great rabbi’s dating back 2000 years ago) more specifically Perkai avos, which has great guide to life and how to live, it says, the key to happiness is being content. I have to fully agree with that.

I think that to be a person to learn, and grow you cannot always be happy you have to experience everything in life. But I consider myself overall happy. How can I not I wake up every morning, I am healthy, I can pay my bills, I have my wife (few can find a loving partner and I consider myself lucky, and I have friends. And I mean that, most people do not realize that a true friend is one who is there for you always, who will at a drop of a hat come to your side to help you. If you have 5 true friends in your life you are a rich person in my book!

I think you need to analyze what you desire; what you are not content with; and come to terms with that. I hope this helps, but this is at least my viewpoint in life (admittedly guided by several rabbinical guide points that have really helped expand my understanding on this concept).

Also have to realize that happiness is not a constant emotion, it is more about your general state. But I would not think am I happy am I not, I would overall just live life, after thinking about it (I know easier said then done).

I wish you the best in this.

Prince

I don't know. I think I am.

Last night at work, I just felt like shit. I clocked out for "lunch" and went outside to cry. For no particular reason.

All I want to do is sleep.

But I think I am still happy. It doesn't really make any sense.

__________________
Who is John Galt?

frogza

I'm probably one of the happiest people you'll find. Things don't always go my way but that doesn't get to me. It's not like I've had a life that most would consider as being condusive to happiness, I was kidnapped when I was five and spent two weeks being abused in every way a person can be, my Dad was a dirty cop who got busted for armed robbery which led to the discovery that he had been selling drugs as well, we were dirt poor, I didn't sleep in a bed till I was about 14, one of my closest friends was murdered in front of me because he refused to hand over the key to his house to some punks, anyway the list goes on. I believe that our environment can only influence our state of mind to the extent that we allow it to. I am in charge of my emotions, not the other way around.

I wish you strength and success in you own quest for happiness.

Sultana

This sounds a lot like depression to me, especially the sleeping business.

I think one can be an overall happy person, but have something bothering one that brings you down (hopefully) temporarily. It's important to apply oneself to discovering the root cause of why you are going through the period of unhappiness (or depression, or whatever is best to call it), and then do something about it.
Don't waste time telling yourself you shouldn't be unhappy, and that it's stupid, denying it, or whatever. Obviously you *are* feeling something, and that in and of itself is not a matter for judgement. It just is.
The following is kinda sorta my plan of action. I haven't gotten to the end yet, but this is what I'm trying to work with.

Identify what it is you want (as Gilda is doing here): Peace? Happiness? Contentment?

Evaluate if what you want is realistic or not. I guess a counselor of some sort may be able to help here.

Identify what it is standing between you and that: A lack of passion? Fun? Money? Whatever. Is it external or internal? I think it's usually internal.

Create a Plan of Attack (and by use of the word Attack, i mean be really proactive about it) to get it.

I think that for me at least, once I get the the Plan of Attack stage, I'm much better off.

By the way Gilda (and others), I've found this to be a really great thread. Such a simple question, with such philosophical and thoughtful responses! Thanks for having the courage to start it.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Sultana

This is a vital part of happiness/contentment. The way I've been thinking of it lately is "I am in control of my situation, *it* is not in control of me."

Working to make (and keep) that statement true helps me so much!! (Thanks Tec).

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Gilda

I have an appointment with a psychologist Monday afternoon.

I really should talk stuff over with Grace before obsessing about the details. The psychologist cannot prescribe medications herself, but that doesn't really matter. Most will be working with a consulting psychiatrist or neurologist and will write a referral if it's determined that anti-depressants are warranted, or if I like I can just take the referral to my primary care physician, in my case my gynecologist. I use my gyno as my primary care for simplicity's sake. Most of my health problems tend to be plumbing related, and I have to see her anyway, so why have the hassel of a second doctor for the other stuff?

I'm not ready for this, but I've thrown my hat over the fence, so there's no turning back.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

abaya

Yay for you, Gilda!!!

Btw, if it makes you feel any better, I am seeing an individual therapist tomorrow for the first time in three years (as opposed to a group, which I had been doing for two years). It's a man, and even though he led my group for the last year and I trust him, I am a little nervous about the change in therapy styles. One-on-one is so intense, and yet I have to remember that this was my choice... and therefore I am determined to get as much out of it as I can. But just wanted to let you know that I am rather intimidated (scared!), too.

Hooray for you! Please let us know how it goes. I am so glad for you.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

match000

I really think that goals and the journey to reaching your goals are what brings happiness. As I stated in my wacky post above.

Perhaps I am too simple-minded for you guys, you guys seem to be having trouble with happiness on a deeper scale.

Gilda

My therapist for the last several years was a man, and I always felt very comfortable with him. This will be my first time with a woman.

I tried group counseling twice, but hated it. It's so much harder to open up in a group, so much easier to just sit and listen that it wasn't doing me any good. I was afraid to talk about myself because . . . well, for the usual reasons, because I was embarassed by my past, and because I'm a living cliche. It was easier with just the one person.

Good luck with yours, also. It's a crime for hot babes like us to be sad .

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

Gilda

For some people, sure. As I said in my first response to this, I have goals--don't screw up my job, maintain a pleasant and orderly household for my family, make Grace happy, get my arm healed, and working towards those isn't making me happy. I might add trying to be more assertive and social, but both of those have been pretty unpleasant so far.

Today has been a good day. We're all moved in to the new house, and it's prewired for wireless networking everywhere, so I can take my laptop anywhere and still be connected. It's awesome. The novelty will probably wear off soon, and I'll just get used to it, like I have with my car.

My permanent cast comes off next week, and I get to begin physical therapy. Oh joy.

Gilda

__________________
I'm against ending blackness. I believe that everyone has a right to be black, it's a choice, and I support that.

~Steven Colbert

pinkie

Happiness is not a constant state of mind or emotion. I’m happy when I’m happy and sad when I’m sad, and so on. I let myself feel without allowing it to steal my joy, at least, this is what I strive towards. However, I am content and fulfilled.

I consider my life fruitful. I don’t look at life and say, “I have all these things but I wish I had this now and I can’t have it.” I don’t compare one person’s happiness to my own. I don’t have expectations of what happy is “supposed” to look like necessarily for me.

I do know what happiness does not feel like and does not look like. I know life will change, and I am willing to be flexible with those changes, even if sometimes it’s hard, that doesn’t mean that the outcome won’t be an achievement.

Relationships are hard work and people transition and experience seasons in their own personal lives and selves. I knew when I got married that we would both change and grow with each other. I’ve been through a lot so I am at a place in my life where I feel at peace, finally.

I adore my husband and appreciate so deeply his love for me, and his understanding of me. I am close with my daughter, and she knows I love her. I am active in my church and advocacy work, artistic endeavors, singing in a gospel group and being involved in ministry work. All of these things bring me much fulfillment.

I think the key is doing everything I am called to do through the divine relationship I have with my Lord. Everything else is blessings, answered prayers and protection.

serlindsipity

random question (not stealing th thread) - anyone find happiness in strange things?

__________________
My third eye is my camera's lens.

Amnesia620

Killing houseflies with a fly swatter, something that makes me happy right there. I can't stand the little buggars...

__________________
For example, I find that a lot of college girls are barbie doll carbon copies with few differences...Sadly, they're dumb, ditzy, immature, snotty, fake, or they are the gravitational center to orbiting drama. - Amnesia620

Felicity

95% of happiness is the decision to act contented.

IMO--you don't have to be psychotically giddy to be happy--you just deal as things come along. "Just dealing" builds self-confidence and you can trust your own ability to handle situations. Trying to "make" or "keep" someone else happy is FUTILE...You only have control of yourself...choose to be the master of your own perceptions and LET GO of everyone else's shit--you do yourself and them a favor.

Rodney

Some days I'm great. Some days I'm looking for a postman's uniform and an Uzi. Sometimes I see tomorrow as a new day with new opportunities; sometimes I see tomorrow as lying in ambush.

And on the bad days, I just remember to breathe and that everything, good and bad, is subject to change without notice.

(For the metaphorically challenged, that Uzi reference is a figure of speech. God bless the NSA.)

Jimellow

I'm almost always happy, but I worked for it.

I consider myself to be healthy, I enjoy my job, and I work at managing my money well and not overspending. I don't drink, smoke, or use other drugs because I don't feel the need to "escape reality." My family is awesome and as a result, make enjoying life very easy for me.

My life is good, and if it isn't, I make changes as soon as possible so that it is. I tend to find positives if at all possible, and I love my sense of humor.

The key for me is always being positive. If a negative occurence arises - and they are bound to - I just look for some positives and expand them.

I have pets; I don't currently have a girlfriend. I'd rather be single and content than in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. Until Miss Right comes along, I love being single because it allows me to be and do whatever I want.

Lastly, I rarely stress out. I used to be very stressed in high school and have since realized what a waste of time this state/mindset was. Over time, I have noticeably changed and become much more easy going, humorous, and laid back. Perhaps too laid back, but again, I'd rather enjoy life when at all possible, than stress over stupid shit.

I think it's easy to be depressed/sad in the modern world, and being consistently happy takes work. But the payoff is the best, because realistically, being happy is the foundation for enjoying life. And if you aren't enjoying life, then you aren't truly living IMO.

To me, being happy is more about a mindset, and the way one approaches life, than it is about material possessions or belongings.

For instance, I may love driving around in my Honda, but if I focus on the fact that I can't afford a Porshe instead of enjoying the experience, I won't be happy. I could buy a Porsche and be up to my eyeballs in debt, but that too would stray from happiness.

Another key to being happy is living within one's means, and accepting it. Desiring things that are out of reach will likely lead to depression, sadness, and obviously envy.

Happiness to me is living in the now, and enjoying it completely. And I am.

__________________
Desperation is no excuse for lowering one's standards.

Washington

I've been thinking about happiness lately as well. I will try and pick up a copy of that book!


I think my bout of philosophical thinking was spurred by me being in a transition stage in life. I am moving from a schoolkid (16 years of school kinda puts you in a certain track) to a college graduate and full blown adult with bills and a job and and and....ya...lots of crap.

I find myself questioning a lot of things...things that I thought life was a bout, or at least made me happy....seem to not matter too much anymore. Now that i dont have the distraction of school, I see a little more clearly.

I think you need to do some serious soul searching. I think the reason for your non-contentness is very deep and that ultimately you are going to need to discover it yourself.

Just remember, there are other people in your canoe, you are not traveling alone.

Take Care

__________________
there is no absolute, only the moment.