I have no idea how to go about finding a psychiatrist--my previous therapist was the psychotherapist specializing in sexuality who was treating Sissy at the onset of her transition, and she's not in therapy any longer, so I can't just go see hers, and these aren't sexuality related issues that I'm dealing with any more. I mean, they are, in that much of what's going on with emotionally probably stems from sexual and physical abuse, and from my parents rejection of me due to my sexuality, and my inability to deal with those things myself.
But . . . ok, I'm not sure if these are sexuality issues, or just personality issues stemming from the sexuality stuff.
I don't know, it seems like it would be silly to just go into a therapist and say, "I'm not happy and I don't know why." Even though I just did that here.
Even though Grace assures me that money isn't an issue, I can't help but be aware that a psychiatrist costs a lot more than a psychotherapist with a masters degree, about double actually. But a psychotherapist or psychologist can't prescribe medications that I might be needing sometime in the distant future, after I've given this another chance. I'd hate to need that prescription sometime down the road and then have to switch therapists because I made the wrong choice to begin with. Then again, maybe that is a good way to go, because if I do need the medicatiions that might be a good indicator that the therapy didn't work, and I should switch.
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Originally Posted by abaya
1) Your first sentence depends on what you think is "absolutely necessary." If I had nasty PMS every month, I'd probably consider that "absolutely necessary" to take care of, simply for the normal life I'd like to have on those days of the month. It's a quality of life question, depending on what you want. Do you get any enjoyment out of those days of PMS? Do you get any enjoyment out of not being happy?
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Well, I really didn't mean to go off on that as a tangent, but no, of course not. Migranes, cramps, unfocused anxiety, sudden crying spells, unipolar depression (why can't I at least get the bipolar kind; at least then I'd get some good from it) and fatigue are not pleasant things. But it's only one or two days ever 26 to 38 days depending on how long my cycle is that month. The accupressure massages Grace gives are a nice compensation though, I do like those, a lot.
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Believe me, I am an advocate of learning from one's suffering and not being a cop-out on life. I'm just not that much into subjecting myself to pain on a regular basis, if it can be treated.
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I get that. However, I'm not sujecting myself to those things, they're just my body's natural way of doing things. It also seems like an extreme solution for a minor problem. I'm not having sex with men, and I'm sterile anyway, so taking hormonal birth control just for the side effects seems like overkill. And there's that long list of potential side effects for not much gain.
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In saying "it's not like my arm, it's my mind," you seem to be engaging in the very old and Western idea of a mind-body dichotomy. That is, assuming that there is no link between the two. Gilda, remember that your mind is run by your brain, which IS a part of your body (last I checked?)! I don't mean to make fun, but to emphasize to you that your mind is VERY much a physical entity, and that very often this is what causes mood/personality issues for people (the actual chemical basis of mental processes). If you value your mind as much as you value your arm, I still recommend you at least try some SSRI's or something related, after talking with your doctor.
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What I meant was that my arm is a physical problem. The physical problem can be observed, and measured, and with a skilled enough surgical team, fixed, nearly entirely without my having to be involved in it except to do the physical therapy, and even that's an observable, measurable thing. And my arm was the result of an injury, repairing it is just putting it back the way it was before the injury.
It's hard not to think that maybe the part of me that they'll change is the part of me that makes it so that I'm a good teacher or a caring lover or the part of me that was able to be there for Sissy back when she still needed me, or some other part of me that I like. Like the obsessive cleanliness and order. That's actually a pretty nice benefit that I wouldn't want to lose, and that's one of the things, OCD or symptoms thereof, that these drugs are supposed to "treat".
I don't want to be my mother. I don't want to lose myself in a haze of pills to make me happy, put me to sleep, fix my anxiety, and alcohol to numb the pain when none of that proved anything but a temporary fix. I realize that she has the distinct disadvantage of living with my father, but still.
I'd like to try just the therapy first. If this is a physical/chemical brian thing that was caused by my being depressed, maybe it can be fixed by fixing the depression/anxiety/insomnia.
I'll talk to Grace about finding me a new therapist, and talk to her/him. I wouldn't know how to do it on my own, and she does work at the University medical center. Or maybe not. Maybe I'd be better off seeing someone not in any way affiliated with the university. I don't want to hurt my reputation.
God, even once I've made the decision, it doesn't get any easier, it just gives me ten new decisions to make, ten new things to worry about. At some point this has to get easier, doesn't it? Yeah, I know it doesn't, it's just the nature of life, but it's a nice fantasy to escape into once in a while.
Thank you for your feedback, it's been very helpful.
Gilda