Strange Famous

I dont know. First of all, I would say that as sure as I am about anything I am sure that I would never ever kill myself - I just dont have the mentality for it.

But I sit here, having spent 5 days pretty much locked up in my apartment, which is basically so messy it is unfit for habitation, drinking heavily and doing nothing but post online. I sit here, fantasizing about suicide and making lists of all of my flaws. I am hugely overweight, dont have any real friends, and feel like I am clinging on to life (by which I dont mean living, but an acceptable life - a job, a flat, fitting in with society and so on) by a thread.

I know that when I go back to work on Monday my mind will shift away from it all, I'll busy myself in work, and the people around me, and I wont feel so bad.

But I know when I'm over this... someday soon I'll be back here again. Lonliness shadows me, I am becoming incapable of operating socially. I feel closer and closer to just allow myself to drift to the bottom. I am starting to fear that I am becoming fit for institutionalization.

My mood swings dont seem to have changed at all in the last five or so years. I am withdrawn, spend as much time as possible alone, am unhappy and feel directionless and powerless for long periods of time.

Maybe I could cope with more of this, maybe I could carry on as I am... but Im starting to feel like, I dont know. Maybe Im just not strong enough to cope, maybe I cant just pull myself together.

Anyway... I dont know. If I was to seek a doctor for medication, would it just make me worse, would I become a slave to the drugs? Would I be able to hide from employers that I had or was being treated for depression? or would they just tell me to pull myself together too?

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

Mr Honest

Hmmm, m8 I was in the same kind of feelings many years ago and went to a Doctor to ask for advice (hoping for a pill) and the response was basically 'cheer up, look on the good things in life, be glad you are alive and no you don't need medication'

At the time it didn't help but a few weeks later it did. This is my only life I'm going to have. You have to take control of your life and think about everything you enjoy and want to be. Then make it happen.
Cut down on food and drink. Self control is needed, do some exercise (it will get addictive and it makes you feel good).
Whatever turns you on in life go and do it.
Politically I hate this world, it is grimly depressing. I can't change the world so easy. But please don't kill yourself, think of everything you've done and enjoyed and can do and enjoy. Think of all the work colleagues and maybe family who would be so upset.

I'm quite sure someone is going to say drugs are the answer. I'm sure your employers don't have any right to check your medical records with a Doctor in the UK.

GL and gradually change yourself. I know you can do it!!

__________________
Human beings : who could ever claim to like them all?

Aladdin Sane

I was chronically depressed. Doctor put me on Zoloft. It changed my life. There's no other way to put it.
Run, don't walk, to your nearest doctor.
When I was younger, I went to a psychologist for years. It helped me to cope, but not to get rid of depression. In those days the drugs they had were nothing like they have today, so I didn't want them.
The new generation of anti-depressants are fantastic. You don't feel the effects except the depression is gone. You're not high, you don't feel goofy, you simply feel like yourself without the depression.
Go to a doctor. Tell him you are depressed. Tell him how long you've been depressed. Ask about medication. You won't regret it.

__________________
Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

lurkette

I don't know if drugs are the answer for you, but you clearly need to do something to get yourself out of this funk.

My own theory on depression (and this is ONLY my theory, I'm not a doctor or anything, just have had first-hand experience with depression, and work around a lot of mental health research) is that it is a learned pattern of thinking that becomes embedded in your neurochemistry and neural structure. You have an experience that makes you very sad or creates self-loathing, and that lays down the initial pattern for later responses. Think about it like water cutting a pathway in dirt or rock. The first time it happens, it causes a little rut, which makes it easier for water to follow that pathway next time, which makes it easier for water to follow the pathway next time, and pretty soon you've got a river and the water is pretty much guaranteed to follow that path. The same thing happens to you cognitively (and even neurochemically). You have a thought in response to a situation (e.g., I'm worthless) and the next time a similar situation happens, the automatic response is "I'm worthless." Etc.

The bottom line of all this is that depression has two components: the chemical side and the cognitive side. And unless you deal with both you're unlikely to be successful dealing with the depression. If you deal with the chemical side but not the cognitive side, those "channels" and negative thought patterns are likely to stay in place, and once you stop taking the drugs the depression will be more likely to recur. If you deal with the cognitive side without dealing with the chemical side, you're going to be fighting an uphill battle to cut new channels with the new thought patterns.

Now, the chemical side doesn't have to be dealt with with drugs. But the alternative takes some discipline. Exercise for 20 minutes 3-4 times/week has been shown to be as effective as Prozac in dealing with clinical depression. It really does change your neurochemistry by releasing a host of neurotransmitters and balancing your brain chemistry. However, you need to be dedicated to doing it, and it takes about as long as the drugs do to take effect (about 3-6 weeks). It would also help either to do cognitive-behavior therapy or to get a book called "Feeling Good" by the originator of c-b therapy, which is focused on changing those negative thought patterns.

Best of luck to you.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Pip

Personally, I don't think pills are going to help in your situation. You don't want pills to make you feel good, you want your life to make you feel good, right? It'd be better for you to go talk face to face with a real person about your life, where you are and where you want to go. Talk to a pro, like a therapist, a priest or even a guidance counsellor. It can feel silly and pointless at the time, but it really helps to talk things through with someone who isn't afraid to challenge you.

noodle

Strange Famous, I think we'd get along well. I went through almost exactly the same thing not too long ago. Talked to my doctor and ended up with Wellbutrin XL to quit smoking (yeah, that didn't work ). I helped myself come to terms with an antidepressant by telling myself it was to quit smoking. Eventually, after a few weeks of feeling somewhat wacked out, I felt stabilized to the point where I actually got off my overweight ass and got to the YMCA where I thrived off the endorphins. And lost 50 lbs. No one gave a durn how horrible I looked in my "workout" clothes and I could do my own thing with headphones on. I was just too tired and irritated with the human race prior to starting the Wellbutrin. Since my membership ran out, I haven't gone to the gym in about 6 weeks and I can definitely feel the slugishness. It's too hot outside and I make too many excuses. Ah... off to the Y today to renew, I think. I still don't enjoy partying or dancing or all that other crap that the rest of the people my age like to do. But I put myself on a schedule to force myself to have some human interaction outside of work. Tuesdays are laundromat days (avoid depending on this for quality social interactions!), Wednesdays walking the beach, and Saturdays grabbing a movie and heading to my local favorite pub. Alone, of course, but requiring some form of communication and futher honing my social skills.

It seems like such a monumental task to pull oneself out of a hole. I still don't clean my apartment much, but that's been me forever. I bought myself some awesome sheets for the bed, towels for the bathroom and dishes for the kitchen so that there at least something small that I enjoy in each room. Occasionally I get a wild hair up my butt and those little things motivate me to do minor chores like... oh, i don't know, the dishes?

I would recommend talking with someone, if and when you can. It's tremendously difficult. I'm a reformed mental health therapist and my MDs been trying for months to get me to go to counseling. I won't do it for a number of reasons (excuses) and I've come to terms with that. It's hard and exhausting. And a really long process. I won't wish anyone luck, but more along the lines of faith in ability to improve one's situation. It's not about luck. It's determination. Which is hard to find under layers of dirty clothes, apathy, frustration, and weight. I'm not a slave to my drugs and I forget them at times, but I don't feel horrible that day. I still feel the whole range of emotions but luckily, the one I'm on stops some of that internal chatter that makes me just want to pull a pillow over my head and say "f-- it". Slainte.

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Rodney

You've just described two things that will help you feel better, at least short-term: stay around people, and keep busy.

From experience, I know that you'll feel better in the company of others, even if you're just sitting alone at a table in a crowded coffee house or at the library. We're herd animals, most of us, who tend to go into a funk if isolated from other humans' activities. Otherwise, why do you perk up at the office.

Also, keeping busy in a structured way is a good thing that fights depression. That's another reason why you function well at work. In the long run, I think that what the others say about therapy and drugs makes a lot of sense. But in the short run, fight it by keeping busy. If need be, take another part-time job, just to keep busy. After all, what good is your "free time" doing you now?

Aladdin Sane

SF, how long have you felt this way?

__________________
Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

Jinn

Lurkette, that's about the best and most concise explanation I've ever seen for this phenomenon. That said, I agree completely. Wow, well said.

And SF, if I may extend Lurkette's metaphor a bit further:

You can either work on those thoughts individually-- realize that you're not worthless, etc.. and find someone who will reinforce your belief (a girlfriend, a therapist).. or take an antidepressant to carve a more convenient "river" for your responses to setbacks to go down. That said, make a lot of goals that you CAN achieve. Start out with something like .. I'll go outside 1 hour per day. Simply achieving these little goals makes you realize that you CAN achieve what you want if you put your desire behind it. Likewise, it starts to make those "I'm going to fail" reactions go down the right river.

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Martian

I don't think you need any medication here either. It's a habit in many first world countries and North America in particular to reach for the medicine cabinet whenever something isn't perfect and I think it's the wrong answer a lot of the time. That doesn't mean you couldn't get something prescribed, just that you can deal with this without a pill.

Start by cleaning up your apartment. You say it's not fit for human habitation, so make it fit. If you're sitting around in a sty you're going to feel bad, having a nice place that looks clean will go a long way to making you feel better.

And then start with visualization. A good friend of mine who happens to be a licensed therapist recommended this technique to me. Start telling yourself you're a good person and that you're likeable or whatever it is you want to be. Put post-it notes on the bathroom mirror. Get poster paper and make a banner to go over your couch. Stick a memo on the back of your door so you see it every time you leave the apartment. You're living alone right now I gather, so who's going to care? If you've got company coming you can take it all down and put it back when you're done. The point is to get yourself thinking that you are a certain way and the only way to do that is to tell yourself over and over until you believe. And once you believe it, it'll come true.

And, again as my theapist friend pointed out when I was skeptical, what have you got to lose? Worst case scenario is that nothing's changed and then what? You're exactly where you are again, no better or worse off, except that you will feel better because you're taking steps to change.

There's no easy answer here, including medications. I've known my share of bipolar individuals and the overwhelming feeling is when you're on those medications you don't feel like yourself anymore. They're powerful drugs, which are always going to have powerful side effects.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Strange Famous

maybe five years.

I never had a depressive personality growing up, although I was a bit shy, I was pretty happy growing up, had friends, dated a bit, was a good sportsman, was quite heavy, but not really badly overweight.

When I was 22 I lost all my confidence... the year I spent doing my Masters, I really had a bad time, and Ive never quite got over it I think.

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

Martian

Hmm.. have you considered therapy? It's a bit of an intimidating idea, but it might help in this case.

You're definitely not suffering from clinical depression, which is most often caused by neurochemical imbalance. It sounds like you have some issues that you need to work past in order to be happy with who you are. I'm right there with you and it's an ongoing process, but it might help. A licensed therapist can help you get past whatever issues are giving you this negative self-image and feel good about yourself.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame

Mr Honest

I lost my confidence at about 12 until I was 21. Pretty bad I know but I have lots of confidence now. It will help to get out just abit more and find people to talk to. I found having a nice girlfriend always lifted my spirits. As others have said small positive steps lead to a better way of thinking. Don't expect changing overnight.
I'm absolutely positive you can turn your life around without drugs. Go for therapy if you want. I didn't - I studied Psychology at College and would never go to a therapist.

__________________
Human beings : who could ever claim to like them all?

snowy

I'd have to agree with this assessment. If clinical depression were the case, you probably would have had some difficulty with it before your 22nd birthday.

Get thee to a therapist! Talking with someone, anyone is immensely helpful in working through issues, especially those regarding self-confidence.

Oh, and call a maid. You'll never feel totally together as long as your home is as messy as it is. Trust me, you'll feel SO MUCH BETTER when it's clean and organized. You'll feel equally clean and organized. Make sure you clear off horizontal spaces and put things away in designated places. Make your home a SANCTUARY, not somewhere where you feel lonely.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

HoneyPot

4 words... The Little Blue Pill. I was put on Zoloft after my mom passed away last year. She was 44 and died of cancer. I'm 21 and I couldn't believe she was gone. I did have thoughts of suicide and it wasn't good. My doctor put me on zoloft and so far so good. I love it.

__________________
Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.

Aladdin Sane

SF, I grew up in a hell-hole for a home. My dad was an alcoholic and I lived in a constant state of high stress, fear, and anxiety. There's pretty good scientific evidence that this kind of constant exposure to stress actually rewires the brain. I became suicidal, which was what caused me to finally seek help. I saw a psychologist every week for seven years, starting at age 17. The last thing I wanted was to be given drugs. I had watched several members of my family destroy themselves from addiction, so as far as I was concerned, drugs were the problem, not the solution. The therapy helped me to develop new patterns of thinking and new copeing strategies. It did not get rid of the depression. So at age 24 I stopped going to therapy.
Now Fast-forward 10 years. I had been a history teacher for a number of years, was now married, the wife was expecting our first son, and I was back being depressed full-time. I was miserable. Again, it took some time for me to work up the courage to seek professional help. I went to another psychologist. He told me about a new generation of drugs. He explained that I could give Zoloft a try. He told me that he thought it could do me some good. I was very skeptical, but I was so miserable that I broke down and decided to give it a try. The first week I felt no different. After the first week I was a different person. I cannot begin to describe how much this drug has helped me. It has been a blessing to me and to my family. I can function like a normal person.
I don't know what your history is, nor if the class of drugs known as Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) would help you, but it is worth looking into. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter found in the brain. SSRIs help not only people with depression but also those with obssessive-compulsive disorder, bulimia, anxiety, and panic disorder. If there is a history of depression and addiction in your family, there is a good chance that you could be helped by a SSRI. If you have been depressed on and off for as long as you can remember, you could have a serotonin deficit. If this is the case, no amount of therapy will completely cure your depression. Some people take SSRI's and do talk therapy. If your depression is situational and not organic, you could stop taking the SSRI as the therapy begins to help you change destructive patterns of thought. It all depends on the individual.
No matter what I say or others say, you first need to see a doctor. He can help you make the best decision for you. But he can't do that until you make the appointment and then show up. Do that, you won't regret it.

__________________
Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

Marvelous Marv

If I might add to what Aladdin Sane said, I know people who are much happier on medication, and (possibly as important) the people AROUND them are happier too.

While I'd personally recommend exercise over meds, exercise takes awhile. Meds in the meantime could be a useful adjunct--kind of like when you break your arm, you don't wear a cast for the rest of your life.

I can tell you from personal experience with family, that booze will make matters worse.

__________________
"The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money."
Margaret Thatcher

lurkette

That's not always the case. My first depressive episode happened when I was 29. Rather than relying on our educated guesses, you might try taking an online depression screening test like http://www.depression-screening.org/...eeningtest.htm

or seeing a physician/therapist who can assess you to see if you are clinically depressed, and can help work out the best solution for you.

Another helpful thing is looking at where you are using "cognitive distortions," a type of automatic thinking that is generally logical on the outside and fucked up on the inside:

Cognitive distortions are logical, but they are not rational. They can create real difficulty with your thinking. See if you are doing any of the ten common distortions that people use. Rate yourself from one to ten with one being low and ten being high. Ask yourself if you can stop using the distortions and think in a different way.

1. ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING: You see things in black-and-white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see your self as a total failure.

2. OVERGENERALIZATION: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

3. MENTAL FILTER: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.

4. DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE: You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

5. JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

1. MIND READING: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check this out
2. THE FORTUNETELLER ERROR: you can anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.

6. MAGNIFICATION (CATASTROPHIZING) OR MINIMIZATION: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or other fellow's imperfections). This is also called the binocular trick."

7. EMOTIONAL REASONING: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true."

8. SHOULD STATEMENTS: You try to motivate yourself with should and shouldn't, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequences are guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

9. LABELING AND MISLABELING: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself. "I'm a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him" "He's a Goddamn louse." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

10. PERSONALIZATION: You see your self as the cause of some negative external event, which in fact you were not primarily responsible for.

http://www.uwec.edu/counsel/pubs/defn.htm

When you're stuck in a negative thought pattern, it's often useful to look at the following questions:
1. What's the situation (just describe the absolute facts, e.g., my boss said "you didn't turn in the report I asked for on time", or I didn't pay my electric bill on time)
2. What automatic thoughts am I using (e.g., "I'm a failure and my life is out of control"
3. What cognitive distortions am I using (e.g., labeling and magnification)
4. What could I ask to challenge this (e.g., what areas of my life are in control? What have I succeeded at?)
5. What would be a more realistic statement? (e.g., I was late with the assignment; my system for paying bills is not working)

I find this exercise IMMENSELY helpful when I'm most down on myself. It helps to provide some distance and a realistic perspective on whatever situation I'm dealing with. I hope this helps.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

jwoody

I've been very close to three people who have tried medication for depression. I knew all of them before, during and (in two cases) after the tablets.

Person 1 - His depression was linked to separating from his partner and child, the death of his dad and losing his job in a very short space of time.

Within two weeks of starting the medication he went from being a confident but understandably depressed person with a lot on his plate to a blubbering pussy cat, completely unable to control his emotions, even in very public settings.

He stopped taking the tablets and has sorted his life out in the space of 18 - 24 months.

Person 2 - She was depressed due to her having to keep a terrible secret. She took prozac for two years and attempted suicide many times during that period.

She eventually shared the secret and, after a major court case, has sorted her life out and it's safe to say she's a much happier person now.

Person 3 - She had everything going for her - looks, intelligence, a great family... everything. For some reason, unknown to her or anyone around her she would occasionally burst into a flood of tears for no apparent reason. She told me that she often cried when she was alone, too - and again she had no reason.

For her, medication was the perfect solution and she has been taking various types for more than ten years now. She's still the same person, except she has more control over her emotions.

My opinion is, whether or not pills are for you really depends on the type of depression you have.

Your best bet is to talk to your doctor, if you have one you can trust.

__________________
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maleficent

I was reading an article yesterday on the overmedication for depression, and the article got summed up in one simple sentence. Too many doctors over medicate (duh, we knew that) It's like giving someone a pain killer for a splinter, but doing nothing about removing the splinter.

Instead of medicating the problem, get help to figure out what is causing the problem and remove the splinter.


SF, I'm gonna be blunt here... if I didn't care, I'd skate right by this thread and not say anything. You have been talking your entire life here about your weight and your drinking and your sloppiness. Some people enjoy wallowing in self pity because it's easier and more comfortable to be miserable than it is to be happy with yourself.

Alcohol is a depressent. Lemme say that again. Alcohol is a depressant. you think you drink to much, do you think perhaps that you have a problem with alcohol? based on your living conditions, and your take on your life, I'd think it wouldn't be too far off the mark.

Try giving up beer and all booze for two weeks. See how you feel.

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aberkok

Strange: I think it's been made clear in the replies so far that there is a distinct difference between pills, which will work on the symptoms, and lifestyle change, which will work as a cure in the long term. It's up to you to decide whether you need pills or if you can get to work right away on the causes of your depression. I think there's been some fantastic ideas here for sorting one's life out (i.e. cleaning and exercise) and I know I'll be thinking about some of them for myself. Hang in there, buddy!

I think it's a strange coincidence that about the time you started this thread that Tecoyah mentioned Tom Cruise in Moe's. Let me know if you don't know the connection. Speaking of Moe's, they serve plenty of non-alcoholic drinks too, and I need you to finish deciphering the arcane glyphs!

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!check out my new blog! http://arkanamusic.wordpress.com

Warden Gentiles: "It? Perfectly innocent. But I can see how, if our roles were reversed, I might have you beaten with a pillowcase full of batteries."

tecoyah

Seek Professional Help

__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

lurkette

I don't think I've seen this stated explicitly here so I'll go ahead and add it -

Antidepressants are not a cure for depression. Very few people have purely chemical causes for their depression and need antidepressants for the rest of their lives. For most people, the most effective use of antidepressants is to "short-circuit" the chemical side of depression so you can work on the cognitive and behavioral aspects of it. For some people this means being on meds for 6 months; for some people 2 years. Some people are fortunate enough to be able to make the necessary mental and lifestyle changes without the meds. Like others have said, which one you are is best determined by you and a professional.

Best of luck.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

denim

Okay, I certainly understand this.

Let me try putting some elements together from this paragraph: 5 days in apartment, overweight, no friends.

I find that I feel better when I can finally get myself to go out. Just out. No particular destination is required. Walk around your neighborhood. If you have to rest, do so, then continue.

Personally, I found that after I was diagnosed as diabetic that I suddenly forced myself to exercise, which started with walking on a treadmill. It hurt. I continued anyway, as I refused to use that as an excuse to stop. Later, for social purposes, I started going to a weekly volleyball game. I sucked at it, but so what?

In July 2004, I bought a bicycle. I used it twice. This year, I used it a bunch, and recently found, when I went back to volleyball after several months, that I was better at it. The bike exercise helped my ability to move.

Anyway. If you're like me, your parents were always telling you to get out of the house and do stuff outside. I rebelled. FAT lot of good it did me. I'm over 300lbs now. Being inside isn't helpful. At this point, the only person being rebelled against is me myself. Why should I rebel against myself? I'm certainly not feeling better because of it.

Why you stay inside, I can't say. Only you can answer that one. I know that exercising sucks. Trust me, I know. But it gets you out of the house, and when you're out of the house, you might meet people. If you meet people, you might at least become acquainted with them. Perhaps form friendships in time, and who knows what else? Pussy won't come to you, man. The mountain must go to Mohammed, yes?

What kind of things/activities/topics are you interested in?

mr sticky

SF- the truth of the matter is...what you are currently doing is not working for you.

It's time to try something different.

Be it SSRI's, therapy, exercise, stopping alcohol consumption, go and do something different.

With different efforts, you will get different results.

Luck and love, my friend.
mr sticky

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The sad thing is... as you get older you come to realize that you don't so much pilot your life, as you just try to hold on, in a screaming, defiant ball of white-knuckle anxious fury

raveneye

SF, my opinions:

--You need to call your primary care physician today and schedule an appt. to discuss the problem and get a referral.

-- There is nothing to be ashamed about. Consider it an illness or an injury just like any other. What would you do if you had a broken hand, or found a lump?

-- Don't let anybody else tell you what is going to work for you. This is your life, your body. If drugs solve the problem for you, then they do. If therapy solves the problem for you, then it does. Et cetera. Don't let anybody make you feel ashamed for using medication, or for going into therapy (if that's what you decide and it works for you).

-- This is not a difficult problem to solve, in the grand scheme of things. You owe it to yourself.

All the best of luck to you.

5757

From the bottom of my heart... I've been where you are at. Where am I now? Worse. The Only difference between you and me is that I tried killing myself. My plan was to overdose on pills. I gathered 200 pills and took them all. Just as I popped the last pill, family came home. I grabbed the keys and headed to the car. My first idea was to drive to a field, toss the keys- never to find them, and die.
I didn't make it to the field.
I passed out in my car. Woke up in the hospital covered in charcoal with tube down my throat.
The reason I am sharing this is because I thought I could never "do it" either. I felt like I wanted to die. I thought about it from time to time.
You need to do something about the way you feel. Take it from someone who has been there. Whether it's counseling or medication. Do something. I found a medication that helped me, but I became addicted. You can take non addictive medication. There are medications that will help you. Talk to you doctor. I personally feel like because you are so depressed, trying medication will not hurt you. Talk to your doctor! I hope you feel better.
If you do try medication, don't expect immediate results. Wait up to 2 months to see if it can help you. I gave up to soon. Depression is so complicated.
Hang in there. Keep us posted - please! I care!

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Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint, Forever in debt to ((your)) priceless advice. - Nirvana