Strange Famous

I dont know. First of all, I would say that as sure as I am about anything I am sure that I would never ever kill myself - I just dont have the mentality for it.

But I sit here, having spent 5 days pretty much locked up in my apartment, which is basically so messy it is unfit for habitation, drinking heavily and doing nothing but post online. I sit here, fantasizing about suicide and making lists of all of my flaws. I am hugely overweight, dont have any real friends, and feel like I am clinging on to life (by which I dont mean living, but an acceptable life - a job, a flat, fitting in with society and so on) by a thread.

I know that when I go back to work on Monday my mind will shift away from it all, I'll busy myself in work, and the people around me, and I wont feel so bad.

But I know when I'm over this... someday soon I'll be back here again. Lonliness shadows me, I am becoming incapable of operating socially. I feel closer and closer to just allow myself to drift to the bottom. I am starting to fear that I am becoming fit for institutionalization.

My mood swings dont seem to have changed at all in the last five or so years. I am withdrawn, spend as much time as possible alone, am unhappy and feel directionless and powerless for long periods of time.

Maybe I could cope with more of this, maybe I could carry on as I am... but Im starting to feel like, I dont know. Maybe Im just not strong enough to cope, maybe I cant just pull myself together.

Anyway... I dont know. If I was to seek a doctor for medication, would it just make me worse, would I become a slave to the drugs? Would I be able to hide from employers that I had or was being treated for depression? or would they just tell me to pull myself together too?

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"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas