tacobaal

ok so, my fiance (i think thats where were still at... sunno after tonight) is constantly bitching at me for doing ANYTHING that could include other girls (good example: i wasent alloud to go to the gym exept for really early in the mornings because i might meet someone else.) i know she is insainely controlling, but for some reason i love her. now tonight, she went to a freinds house for a small get together, and one of her girlfreinds boyfreinds freinds were coming over... now im thinking ok so shes the only one there thats not obviously hooked up with anyone (were in a long distance relationship) so i told her on msn, that i was a bit nervouse (i dont think thats a bad thing, i have a right to be with single guys there...)

but yeah, basicly what im asking is what i did so bad? shes incredibly pissed at me right now, to the point i dunno where we even stand in our relationship.

hannukah harry

so lets see if this is the jist (or is it gist?) of it...

she's controlling and won't let you do things where other females will be in attendence...

and now she's mad that you expressed some insecurity over the fact taht she'd be a 'seemingly' single girl at a small get-together?

if that's summed up right, then my advice is dump the bitch. (bitch not necissarily meant in the derogatory sense, just 'dump the girl' doesn't have the same ring to it).

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shabbat shalom, mother fucker! - the hebrew hammer

tacobaal

i dont know what the hell to do, all i know is a part of me wants too, but i love her very much, we have had allot of really good times.

now whatever i do it aint gonna be tonight after what happened i hit the vodka so yeah, no talking to her tonight

maleficent

I"m having trouble understanding this...

lemme see if I understand.

You and your fiance are in a long distance relationship
How long have you been seeing her, and how long have you been engaged.

Your girlfriend is the jealous untrusting sort and would prefer it if you lived in a monastary and spent no time at all with the opposite sex.
Have you ever given your girlfriend a reason to be jealous, or cause her not to trust you.
What have her past relationships been like? Has she been cheated on in the past?

Your girlfriend is going to a party tonite, where she will be the only girl there without a boyfriend and you told her you were concerned about her hooking up with someone else at the party, because you don't trust her.
Has she ever given you a reason not to trust her?
Have you been cheated on in the past?

She's pissed that you would suspect her of cheating, so much so that you don't know if you still have a relationship.
How old are both of you and when are you planning on getting married.


You both have some major trust issues to work out before you even want to contemplate getting married before this gets resolved. You can't help but have contact wiht the opposite sex in your daily dealings wiht people, if she's going to be concerned wiht every person you come in contact with, this relationship will get old really quickly.

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tacobaal

Have you ever given your girlfriend a reason to be jealous, or cause her not to trust you.: one time when i was up there there was a number on my phone from the area but i honestly dont know who it was from and she fliped out about that.


What have her past relationships been like? Has she been cheated on in the past? : extreamly bad, she dose not trust guys at all (part i can understand fully) she has been raped and just yesterday almost raped again, cheeted on, abused, but im not AT ALL like that, i have tried to be as good as i can to her im not an asshole

Has she ever given you a reason not to trust her? yesterday when she went with the guy to smoke a joint (not the best thing in the world but we both do it) and every guy freind she has is an ex and dose anyone like there partner talking to ex's much?

Have you been cheated on in the past? : i havent been in allot of relationships. 3 before her, and every one of them were cheeters

heres where everyone will dismiss this
"How old are both of you and when are you planning on getting married."
me 20 her 17

maleficent

Tough love is my thing - so here goes...

She's too immature to be a fiance. Is she too young for a relationship? No Are you too young? No. But she has a lot of issues that she needs to work out before she can be 100 percent in a relationship, and it doesn't sound like you are the guy to help her with those issues.

She needs professional help.

She's 17 and has been thru all that, sounds like she's made a lot of really bad decisions for herself and has never dealt with any of those decisions. She needs to and quickly before it turns worse. Has she had any professional therapy or counselling? What do her parents say?

When she smoked the joint with the guy yesterday, was that the guy who almost raped her? Or was it someone else.

This young woman is extremely damaged and I'm betting extremely fragile and needs to be put back together before she can consider being in a healthy adult relationship.

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tacobaal

no she hasent had any proffecional help, yes the guy that she smoked with was the guy that almost raped her (i went out and bought her mace today because of that) her parents dont know anything about the rape or anything else thats going on.

i just dont understand though, i am (i really dont want to sound better then i really am i know im not perfect by any means but im the best boyfreind she has ever had, and most likey to ever have)

i bought her a dozen roses and brought them to her class when she was in school, and she said "so what did you fucking do?" i dont know anymore

maleficent

This girl needs more help than you can give her.

Her parents need to be informed of what is going on in this girls life. If she wont tell them, then you might want to consider sending then an anonymous letter of what she's been up to. Including the rape. This girl needs help.

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SiN

run, don't walk.

she's not your responsibility.









/me tries to top mal in the tough love advise thing

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maleficent

And you did an excellent job Said better than I could.

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tacobaal

i know she needs help, i dont really want to just tell her parents, i dont know what the fuck to do right now, i hate life sometimes

ShaniFaye

Why is it ok for her to go somewhere that will have members of the opposite sex in attendance but its not ok for you? Thats kinda fucked up isnt it?

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Rlyss

Mate, this girl is way out of line, she seems like a psycho bitch from hell to me.

She's had all these problems in her life so far, that's terrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I would suggest you stick around and help her IF she appeared to want your help. If she's not willing to accept your help, if she just ignored her problem and was an otherwise good person but denied she had a problem then I'd suggest you stick by her.

She's clearly not like that. She's insensitive, controlling, clearly bloody immature. And I agree with mal about this probably stemming from being abused in the past. If she doesn't want your help and is this vehemently opposed to fairness, equality and trust in the relationship, then mate, fuck that, get up and leave.

If you believe you can help her and she will accept that help and deal with her faults and her past abuse, and become the wife you've always dreamed of, then stick by her. But I'm sorry to say by what you've said I don't think there are going to be many people on the TFP that believe that'll happen. You're twenty years old, you don't have to deal with this at all. She's a seventeen year old girl with emotional issues. It's never going to work out.

Seeker

What is it about her that you love so much?
I don't mean to be putting yourself or your girl down, but I'm wondering if you love her or if you are going to be her saviour.
This reads to me like you think you are the only one that will ever love her and save her from both herself and her past. I just hope you have thought about this.

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To those who wander but who are not lost...

~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

bing bing

As others have already said, this girl has some serious issues. Do you really want to marry them?

la petite moi

Sounds like she has trust issues, because she knows how untrustworthy she is herself.

Be careful...and personally, I wouldn't marry her.

maleficent

Are you with her because you don't think anyone else will love you? Sounds like you need to work on your self confidence as well, and realize you need to help yourself before you can be with a person who is in such dire need of help.

Do you recognize that this girl is emotionally damaged, and just loving her isn't going to fix her, that she needs real help.

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ophelia783

tacobaal, one of the first things you need to do is to stop making excuses for her behaviour.

I'm in a long-distance relationship, engaged for almost 4 months after doing so less than two months of being a couple. I'm 21, was abused for years by my father, and raped by an ex-boyfriend (while we were dating).

Yes, I get upset when majik's out with other girls - like his ex-gf that he lost his virginity to, but I would NEVER act the way your girl is.

RUN!

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~*~* He with a sharp tongue slits his own throat *~*~

Sage

I know how you feel. When you're with someone, and you started off loving them before the emotional problems come out, it's easy to start overlooking the emotional problems when they affect you. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, and everyone around me could see what it was doing to me- except me. Now that it's been two years, I realize that all the issues that I thought were caused by me were actually caused by him, and his issues.

Your fiancee is seriously, hugely, staggeringly emotonally and mentally traumatized. She was raped and didn't tell anyone about it (I'm assuming she didn't tell anyone of authority because she didn't tell her parents). She's exceedingly jealous of you and your activities, but doesn't want you to be jealous or "restrictive" of her activites. She is obviously making poor judgement calls (i.e.- going to a party to smoke pot, hanging out with a bunch of her ex BF's). On top of that she's making you feel like a scumbag because you were expressing concern for her. I think that, in your best interest, you need to seperate yourself from her. She's going to go postal about it, accept that fact, but also realize that staying with her is emotionally draining on you and your mental state of mind. Staying with her will mean your life will start to revolve more and more around her and her issues, leaving you no time at all to grow yourself, or to enjoy your life.

Love is a beautiful thing- a healthy relationship has give and take, huge amounts of communication, and trust. Your relationship has none of these things. You say you don't know what to do- do you go to college? Most colleges have a counseling center that will help you figure out what to do. There are professional, helpful people there that can help you (in an unbiased and honest way) figure out what to do, and help you figure out what's best for you and for your fiancee. I STRONGLY recommend talking to a counselor, because it helped me TREMENDOUSLY during and after my emotionally abusive relationship.

Life is too short to be in bad relationships.

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Cimarron29414

Okay, so let me get this straight:

You are engaged to a 17-year-old child, who smokes pot with rapists, constantly places herself in dangerous situations, has terrible communication skills, completely disrespects and distrusts her parents AND her fiance - AND she doesn't even live near you.

There are over 3 BILLION females on the planet and you think this is the best one for you spend the rest of your life with!?!? What an excellent recipe for divorce.

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Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

hrandani

Hilarious, sardonic and true.

I second it. There are other girls out there who will make you just as happy, if not happier. Good luck.

hawker rider

Take a good look at what you have together and think long and hard before taking the plunge. If you think that marriage will solve some of these issues, you are wrong it will only emphasize them!

You're still young, remember there is not just ONLY "the one" There will be times later in life that you will meet "the one" again in a different person.

ngdawg

This girl is not ready to be a 'fiancee' at 17 with so many issues. You're not in love, you want to be the adult and guide to a mixed up kid.
Marriage is major and way too many times we get stars in our eyes, thinking we will live a fairy tale. "if we got married, all would be perfect". That's not reality.
Be the true adult here-forget being engaged, try to help her as much as you can for now, and then, like Sin said, run.

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Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.

Daniel_

From my own experience I can confirm that it is nto a good idea to marry a woman because underneath it all she's decent.

It's the surface that you have to live with every day.

It cost me dear to find out that whilst i liked her deep down some of the time, I was caused constant pain and embarassment by the surface rather a lot.

If you can't talk to her, and she can't deal with honest concerns about her safety and (for want of a better word) chastity, then you really are taking on a huge project that is almost certain to fail, sadly.

I really hope you don't get burned.

Axiom_e

Heh...

I had the savior complex before and it set me back a year of my life. It was recent and I guess I am still recovering.

Untill she loves herself she won't be able to accept love from you. She will always be looking for you hidden motivations. She needs attention and only know how to get the negative type. She has to grow and stand on her own feet if you help her grow you will become her guardian and not her fiance. The resentment will grow and the relationship will sour.

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Life is meaningless.
How awesome is that?
Rock On! Now I can do whatever the hell I want
and give my own life meaning to myself.

Lead543

Oh wow.

Here's what I think.

She's afraid you'll cheat on her so she tells you what to do. You listen because you're afraid to lose her and be alone forever.

She's not ready to commit but she's too insecure to be without a boyfriend. She's young, insecure, wants someone to love her but still wants her freedom. You two seem to have poor communication skills, which is vital in making ld relationships work (just ask the majority of TFPer's who are in commited ld relationships). She's irresponsible which is why she went and blazed with someone who attempted to rape her.

From the sounds of it neither one of you are ready to even think about marriage. She doesn't seem to have the proper judgement to take care of herself how is she going to commit fully to someone else through marriage? You're young, there's plenty of girls out there. If you're still stuck on her I'd strongly advise therapy to both of you, the last thing you want is to be divorced at age 22.

MSD

If you bought her flowers and she assumed you were apologizing/asskissing for something you did, this relationship will never work no matter what you try. You need to get out of it now. She will most likely never be in a relationship that works because I doubt that anyone who hadn't been with her for a while would put up with it as long as you have. The only positive thing I can say is that you have the patience of a saint to put up with that.

I consider trust to be the most important thing in a relationship. If that isn't there and can't happen, it won't work out and the whole thing should be abandoned immediately. I know girls/women (at that funny in-between stage called college) in relationships who can trust the guys they're with to walk through the red light district of Amsterdam with a pocket full of cash after 6 drinks, a joint, and half a bottle of Viagra (they do deserve that trust,) and those relationships work because the trust works both ways. If you can't even hang out with female friends without accusations flying, it just won't work.

Read this thread: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=88914

There's some information about self-defense there that every woman should know. Read through the whole thread. I suggest you share it with her (although at 17 she can't join TFP yet, and from what you said it sounds like a good idea to not let her know what you're doing online.)