Anonymous Member

What do you do when someone asks you a question and no matter how you answer it the results would be bad, leading to frustration, yelling, and anxiety.

My fear of confrontation is preventing me from answering a question. If I say no, the person asking will demand a reason and no matter what my reason, there will be a fight. If I say yes, even though I don't really want to, I will be accused of being a bitch when we do what it is the person is asking for - this happened the last time I said Yes, but didn't want to.

So either way, there will be a fight and I don't know what to do.
(Sorry this is so vague - I have my reasons for that too - but I really need TFP's input)

Plan9

Well, if you talk to this person like you talk to us, no wonder you're getting called names. This is confusing.

OP is so incredibly vague as to be useless to those of us attempting to help out and the universal TFP answer will undoubtedly be dropped like a carpet bombing campaign in Vietnam: communication. If communication is confrontation, well, you're fucked if you're trying to avoid it. Throw us a frickin' bone.

What is the topic here? Money? Deadbeat friend living on the couch too long? Marriage? Anal sex? Borrowing the car? Drugs? TeeVee show choices?

Life is a series of "confrontations" with other people. Relationships, both personal and professional, are based on understanding and compromise.

If you don't have enough guts to stand up for you, don't expect the other person to do it. And post the topic, for Jazz's sake.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Cimarron29414

Wow, talk about gross misuse of anonymous! Not only do we not know who posted it, we don't know what the question is. We don't know the relation to the person asking. we don't know if it requires time, money, doing something illegal, doing something immoral, etc.

I would say this is hall-of-fame the worst thread ever.

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Gives a man a halo, does mead.

"Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

The_Jazz

Wow, couple of folks haven't had their coffee yet today. I'm even invoked in Plan9's response, and I get it.

OP - you're in for a fight. You can't avoid the fight, so pick the one you want. If you say "yes", you might put off the confrontation for a while, but then you're doing something you don't want AND have the fight to deal with.

Personally, I think you should just be tactfully honest and say "sorry, but I really didn't like that last time. How about we do X instead?" Yes, you're running the risk of the other person getting mad, but if you approach it as being honest and they're rational, they may not.

Good luck.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

snowy

Sometimes there has to be conflict. It is all in how you MANAGE the conflict.

If this is related to a romantic relationship, I'd recommend looking up John Gottman's work on marital conflict.

If this is related to other kinds of relationships, I'd recommend doing some reading on conflict in interpersonal communications. For one, you want to encourage a positive communication climate. Be prepared to listen and listen well to what the other person has to say. If the climate starts to turn negative (i.e. insults are being bandied about), point that out. In a productive conflict, there is no need for insults. Watch your tone, and stay calm. Be prepared to walk away from the conversation for a while if you need time to calm down and structure your thoughts, or if the communication climate turns too negative.

Here's a pretty decent link with some tips: Interpersonal Conflict I'm sure you can find more.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

telekinetic

Grow a spine, and don't worry so much about making other people happy and avoiding fights. If you don't want to do something, don't do it. Say 'No,' disengage, and don't feel like you have to justify your decisions. This is particularly true if saying yes results in something you a) don't really want to do and b) gets you subjected to verbal abuse.

Since that's all the information you gave us, that's all the information I can give.

Now, if you were to provide ACTUAL information, there are certainly situations where I will reverse myself (particularly if this person is your significant other), but in general, this is the best generic advice I can provide.

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twisted no more

jewels

Unfortunately, unpleasant subjects have to be dealt with in life. It's not always easy, so be sure you have your helmet on. The more practice you get, the better equipped you'll be to deal with it each time.

Remember that over-analysis can sometimes make the issue feel a lot grander than it truly is. You may want to give a moment's though to your approach. There's a lot to be said for disarming your supposed opponent before the fight begins. It's quite possible this could be a discussion and not a fight.

Knowing that he/she isn't going to be happy no matter what your decision, this may be a case where you can gently lead to some reasoning that may help soften it for that person. That's about all you can do if the person is important in your life.

After that, it's his/her issue. Don't take it on as your own and know that you're doing the best you can.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

GreyWolf

It almost sounds like an "are you still cheating on me?" type question when you've never cheated.

I tend to agree with everyone else. If the question demands an answer, and isn't unfair as above, decide which way you want to go and do it. If the relationship can't stand some conflict, then it's way to fragile to endure. The only other option is a semi-copout by complaining it's an unfair question and trying to approach the situation with a different one.

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The secret to great marksmanship is deciding what the target was AFTER you've shot.

Plan9

The OP is KirStang and he's talking about his relationship with his FFL.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

KirStang

I feel like this is some sort of overbearing boss scenario, or, as everyone else has seen it, a relationship...

Anyway, I feel like there is something else beyond the yes/no conundrum going on. Is one party abusive and controlling?

==================================

Bastard won't let me buy a M82A1 on layaway.

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dlish

the truth shall prevail. either now or later. it shall prevail.

get it over with and be honest with yourself.

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An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

WhoaitsZ

I do understand avoiding the fight. For about two months I psyched myself out denying my marriage was dying. Had I faced it then I'd be a lot better off than I am now.

Running doesn't help, friend. Get it over with and stay tough. Confrontations happen and is a necessary part of life.

---------- Post added at 03:50 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:42 PM ----------

example of not having a spine possibly ruining your current life

A gay male lives in my house and is a very sweet kid. I like him a lot as a friend and have kind of taken him under my wing because his dad ditched him because he is gay.

The other day I heard one of the puppies holler. I thought he hit the puppy and I fucking snapped. "If you ever hit anything in my house you will be kicked the fuck out."

I was an idiot because I was wrong; he did not hit the dog; it was just an odd misunderstanding witnessed by a third party. I apologized profusely and explained that hitting an animal not out of self defense is like hitting a small kid and I totally lose it.

If he would had told me what happened instead of his flight we would have had less drama.

I was an idiot but his lack of standing up for himself did not help, either.

genuinegirly

You need to get away from this person.
They have far too much control over you.

Here is my motivation for offering this advice:

You mention that you dislike confrontation and conflict. This is not an unusual place to be. In fact, I find it a rather noble way of life. I admire people who are able to skirt conflict and deal with life while avoiding violent responses. I wish I had this predilection, instead I have a nasty temper that I strive to keep in check (my husband is a saint).

Apparently this person has shown a history of losing their temper in a dramatic fashion. They call you names, become hysterical, and will not listen to you even if you plan your words carefully in advance and use a reasonable tone of voice. No matter how hard you try, this person will not let you win. If they are likely to respond in the fashion you have described, you should get out of this situation as soon as possible. If this person is at your workplace, find a new job. If it is a family member, cut ties. If this is a relationship, get out. Seek out a local women's aid organization (I assume you're a woman) if you are seemingly trapped by your financial ties to this person. Forget about the question that they want answered. Get out now. Don't feel obligated to explain.

Snowy offers some good advice when dealing with approaching difficult topics in conversation. Dlish offers excellent advice when it comes to sharing the truth. WhoaitsZ offers personal perspective. But don't gloss over Kirstang's questions. Is this person abusive? Are they controlling? Perhaps you don't really view them this way, but your words here tell me that they are.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

WhoaitsZ

seriously. methinks i did not read the thread in full. if there will be violence physically or emotional there is no shame in running.

stay safe, friend.

ASU2003

Learn how psychologists and therapists talk to people. There is always a way out, even if it means flipping the question around on them and asking why they feel that way.

Anonymous Member

Thank you all for your replies. and I mean all. Some things are difficult to hear, but are necessary to be told. I feel more prepared to stand up to him, if and when the fight happens. It is not a family member, or a current relationship. It is a past relationship that won't let go. He has not been physically abusive to me, but definitely verbally. I thought I had learned from my past about people like this and I thought I was strong enough to stand up to it. I am not as strong as I thought, but stronger than I was in the past.

His question was a simple one. Just wanted lunch. But I am not comfortable with that after all that has happened between us. Because of his verbal abuse, it scared me to say no. But this time I did say no (after reading the replies here). With no reason given. His reply was that he was going to keep asking. I will keep saying no. Eventually, it will get easier, right? He has, in the past, made every thing I do and say into something more than it is, demanding answers to more and more questions, and when he does not get the answer he wants, he starts being mean. He demands that I give him one word answers to his questions, but I can't. It usually leads to him demanding I tell him if I want him to leave me alone. I know that if I tell him to leave me alone, he won't and it will get worse. Sometimes I do fear that it will become physical, but maybe that is just my paranoia. I have started to ignore is texts (working on blocking them completely) and only reply to his work related IM's at work. I expect to get a nasty email from him soon, that is just the way he is. Hopefully, at that point, I will be ready to really stand my ground with him.

dlish

document everything, and then see the end of him at work too when the time is right.

plan it right, and you'll get your way.

__________________
An injustice anywhere, is an injustice everywhere

I always sign my facebook comments with ()()===========(}. Does that make me gay?
- Filthy

bagatelle

It will be better for you not to read everything he says, like you're planning to.

I've had someone pestering me like that in another forum. She hasn't stopped picking on me in her posts, but I stopped reading them. It's a good way to "reduce the noise".

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levite

Plus one for what Dlish said.

Document everything carefully. At some point, you are going to have to tell this guy that you want him to leave you alone, and not to contact you any further. On the unfortunately all-too-likely chance that he refuses, you are going to need to take action. The more decisive the better. And nothing greases the wheels for a nice quick restraining order better than documentation.

Look, I sympathize: I am not a huge fan of unpleasant confrontation. When the occasion calls for it, I can be a master of the evasion, the diplomatic exit, or the out-and-out avoidance dance. But I also sleep with a broadsword by my bed. There is a line between "unpleasant confrontation" and "If you come near me, I will end you." Just be sure that you are aggressively willing to set boundaries, because believe me, you want to be the one setting the boundaries, not having the boundaries set for you by some psycho schmuck-face. Confrontation sucks, but psychotic exes are like unexploded bombs-- they don't get safer by being ignored or tiptoed aroud, they get safer by someone coming and taking them away.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

bagatelle

I also agree on documenting and later, if need arises, calling for restraining order. BUT the poster needs to be clear as well giving a message s/he doesn't want to continue the relationship.

Do you have to reply to the questions, if they come by email?

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The_Jazz

Ms. Anonymous, you and I have had this conversation in private. You're dealing with someone who's way beyond the normal social boundaries. He's chosen to ignore those. I know there are larger issues at work here, but you've been approaching this point for a while. It is now time to start talking to superiors before something bad happens. Right now you're just uncomfortable - no one here wants to see worse.

If you haven't been documenting, start. If you have, go to your boss today. If that's not possible, go above the boss's head and apologize later. This situation is not going to get better on it's own, and you need outside intervention, even someone to rattle his cage and say "what are you doing, dummy? Normal people don't act this way."

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

jewels

Do you report to him, or is he in a position above you? Is your fear more related to your job or your personal safety?

Either way, what levite said. Copy and print the IM's and document on your calendar what happened/was said etc.

From what you've said, this person was able to control you pushing to find your weakness. But when you said NO, you showed him you're no longer scared and won't allow this. Chances are he will leave you alone because he preys on the weak, or he may attempt to up his game, thinking you're not really that strong. Don't give in, no matter what. Stick to your guns!

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain