FelixP

Simple enough, right?

My grandma died about two weeks before I shipped for boot (early november). I don't think about her. Her memorial is later this month. I could apply for special liberty to go, or take leave, but I probably won't.

My grandpa (whom I love more than anyone else in the world, other than maybe my little brother) just had another heart attack on thursday or friday, not sure which. They think this is the one to finish him off. He's hard as nails, having survived the Korean War and all the emotional and mental baggage than goes with prolonged combat. He's my hero.

I typically don't deal with tragedy, beyond running to clear my head and sometimes drinking. That's it. I compartmentalize, and steel myself to it.

I think I've done a good job. All this got me thinking, how do you all deal with the "big problems" in your life?

__________________
Free will lies not in the ability to craft your own fate, but in not knowing what your fate is. --Me

"I have just returned from visting the Marines at the front, and there is not a finer fighting organization in the world." --Douglas MacArthur

levite

I'm really sorry for your loss, man. That's hard. Very hard. I hope you find comfort and peace in the course of dealing with these events.

I have a number of things I do to deal with death. Some of them are part of my Judaism, which doesn't help you at all. But some of them are just mine. Those things include talking out my feelings. I truly don't believe it's healthy to bottle up what you feel and pretend it doesn't exist: that's like letting an abscess fester-- it may not burst outwardly, it might seep inwards, poisoning everything it touches. I have a couple of incredibly close, lifelong friends I can talk to about anything, and now I have an amazing wife I can also talk to about anything: those are resources I make use of. It can start by just telling stories about the deceased, talking about what I loved about them, or what troubled me about them. But by talking it out, I get a measure of closure.

I am also a big introspector. I give myself time alone, to meditate, to examine my feelings, to try to engage in self-analysis and self-reflection about the person and how I related to them and what parts they played in my life.

I also try to make my peace with their fate. This is, I grant you, made easier for me by some of my religious beliefs. But I also remind myself that death is a natural part of life, and that-- more literal kinds of immortality aside-- no one is entirely gone from the world who is remembered with love and spoken of with honor. This is cold comfort, at best, I know: it doesn't make anything better in the short term. But in the long term, I find it can help. It was something that was hard for me to truly comprehend when I was younger: the older I get, the more it becomes true and complex and valuable.

I urge you strongly not to fear your memories and emotions. Don't be afraid to cry, or to be angry, or to feel depressed, or to even feel relief if the deceased was suffering and is now not doing so. There is no one correct way to feel about losing someone, nor any one right way to behave in the aftermath of death. From being unafraid to confront what you truly feel and think, and to reflect on what one's impulses to behavior are, and why one does or does not wish to carry them through, one gains not only clarity and peace, but strength also.

__________________
Dull sublunary lovers love,
Whose soul is sense, cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
That thing which elemented it.

(From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

Cernunnos

I've only dealt with the deaths of those who weren't especially important in my life. My maternal great grandmother died at 88 after a lengthy war with Alzheimer's, but I had only interacted with her on a few occasions, many years before. I was 9 or 10 at the time or her death, attending an open-casket service prior to the funeral. Whatever emotions I may have felt were so muted as to be unretrievable now, and my primary recollection is that of intense curiosity at finally gazing upon a corpse and touching its cold hand. No coping was necessary, but I believe the experience emotionally reinforced me towards death.

Less than two years ago, my paternal grandmother's life support was severed after a week of enduring a vegetative state following dozens of strokes that destroyed her capacity for consciousness and higher thought processes. The strokes resulted from the required surgery for repairing a massive aortic rupture. I never attended the funeral or its associated service, and though I experienced slight sadness at her passing, we weren't close enough for me to have felt a significant sense of loss. Most of my fond memories were from childhood and early adolescence, and altogether, I saw her less than 40 or so times in my life, due to the distance between her home and mine, Tennessee and Florida.

Until someone that holds significant subjective value dies, I won't know if I am completely calloused towards the loss of human life or simply haven't lost the right individual yet. As can be expected, I am in no rush to determine which of the two is accurate.

Hektore

This.

and.

Go.

Seriously. Go.

If only for it being possibly your last chance to see your grandfather. It isn't only about you; he could (and almost certainly does) want that last chance to see and speak to you. Whether it's the last chance or not, you won't regret it.

__________________
The advantage law is the best law in rugby, because it lets you ignore all the others for the good of the game.

Willravel

When someone close to me dies, I celebrate their life. Nothing at all brings closure, imho, like viewing a life as a whole and seeing the wonderful friendships, loves, hates, experiences, and accomplishments. It especially helps if the end isn't a positive one, such as Alzheimers. Before my maternal grandfather died, he began to lose control of his faculties. He was once a great man, intelligent, kind, and strong. When he began not to recognize us, it was confusing and frightening to me (I was 10 at the time), but later I was able to find peace by bearing in mind this wasn't my grandfather anymore. My grandfather, in the memories of those who knew him, will always be a strong, brave, loyal man. When I tell my kids about him some day, I won't tell them about the man who's mind was disintegrating, but the proud soldier that fought in the Pacific theater, the father who raised children, the husband who loves his wife, the philosopher and historian, the lover of classical music, and my grandfather.

Strange Famous

I dont know.

I had a sister who died, and 3 of my 4 grandparents are dead. I guess I deal with it by not thinking about it. I guess my answer isnt much help

__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas

noodle

I work with death. At last count, I've worked in my current job with over 150 families.
We've lost more than 80 children. By we, I mean me. Children specific to my caseload.

Death is extremely personal or impersonal, based on who, what, how, when...
I've seen mothers with dying children go into hysterics over the neighbor's 20 year old
cat dying, but are completely unable to become emotional about their own kid's demise.

Personally, I intellectualize everything.
It's why I'm good at what I do.
These kids, this family member, whomever it is, is going to die whether I'm there or not.
I can help to make it a Good Death or not. It's going to happen.
I choose, when I can, to be there.
When it comes to grief, it's a whole 'nother ballgame.
I'm a wimp at many funerals. I bawl just like any other person.
But, I can also sit there and encourage people to process their grief in their own way,
help them verbalize, or give a hug, or just be present.
I'm really bad with my own grief. I get huge, violent sobs that take over my entire being.
Those are only the people that affected me greatly.
Other kids, I'm relieved for them. As are their families.
I love the celebration funerals... or the times after. And the bereavement ceremonies.
The process, not the sitting around and being sad.
I don't have a religious orientation, so the praying stuff doesn't work for me.
It makes me tremendously uncomfortable. But, that's just me.
Some people find incredible comfort in prayer.


The important thing to remember, though, is that there's really no
"wrong" way to grieve.

__________________

lurkette

Most people who know me from my beginnings on TFP back in 2003 have heard the story of my brother's death. He was 25, just starting to have the life he wanted, and he was hit by a car and died of a traumatic head injury after 2 weeks in the ICU. He never recovered consciousness, but my mom and I were there with him the whole time and I got to hold his hand while he died.

How do you deal with it?

I'm not entirely sure you ever "deal with it." You kind of carry it around with you, and sometimes it makes you happy - remembering the good times which seem that much sweeter because they're gone beyond repetition - and sometimes it makes you despair, and most times you don't notice it at all.

Some of the ways I've kept the "good grief" (heh) are to remember who my brother was, at his core, and to honor that in how I live my own life. He was fearless, kind, and strong. He gave excellent hugs. It helps a lot to remember him with people who knew him in a different way than I did, to hear their stories about his life and see a different side of him than I got to see.

I think the times when I feel most at peace with Josh's death are when I can see it as a gift. Dealing with his death really rocked my world, shook me to my foundations, made me examine my own life and how I was living it and who I wanted to be. It stripped away a lot of the "not me." Although I would give almost anything for another minute with my brother, I wouldn't trade his death for anything.

If you can turn what you term a tragedy into something beautiful, that's the best way of dealing with death. Learn something from it, make something from it. Use it as an excuse never to leave "I love you" unsaid. Pass on that person's memory to someone else. Take what you loved best about that person and help it live on.

I'll second Levite's advice - know that whatever you're feeling is how you're 'supposed' to feel. Angry, sad, bitter, numb. Everyone grieves differently, and your grief is yours.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

hanfan321

A counselor once told me the first year after a death is the toughest. And it takes 3 years to get over a death. I have found a lot of truth in this. It seems like a long time, but it gives you hope that things will get better.

Craven Morehead

My best friend was killed in a plane crash about 16 years ago. It messed with my head. Everything became too real. No escape, it was omnipresent.

I began to realize that the profound grief that I felt was a reflection of our friendship, of our bond. It somewhat made me feel better knowing that I would never have grieved so deeply if I didn't care so deeply in the first place.

Daniel_

IT's totally rational. If something pains you, avoiding it is reasonable - I think that there's far too much focus on "facing our painful memories" - although I have no evidence base for it. My own feeling is that if you are comfortable not dwelling on it, then that's what works for you.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

Cernunnos

I've now lost one of my closest friends and inadvertently contributed to the event leading up to her death. I've never experienced such profound sorrow and remorse. Nothing could prepare me for this. If I had chosen not to act, she would be alive, and I have to carry that knowledge with me for the remainder of my days.

GreyWolf

Reaction to death is VERY individual specific. Noodle is, I suspect, far better able to deal with the deaths of the people she is trying to help than I. I could never do her job. As others have said, it may help to ignore or bottle up the feelings, for others there is a need of companionship, celebration and discussion. Whatever works, works. If you find yourself dwelling on it, then probably your coping mechanisms are inadequate... try another tack.

I will say, however, about your not going to your grandmother's funeral, that when you can, you should try to get to the funerals of both your own and friends' relatives. It IS important. I was relatively young (28) when my father died. A co-worker, a friend through business, was in another city during the visitation/funeral. I was there at the funeral home when this small, elderly woman came up and said she was my his mother, and that since he couldn't be there, he'd asked her to come and offer condolences.

That meant an incredible amount to me, and decades later, I still remember that so vividly. You may not know who doesn't come to funeral... but you will know who does.

__________________
The secret to great marksmanship is deciding what the target was AFTER you've shot.

FelixP

That's rough Cern. I hope you can work through it.

I did go to my grandma's memorial. It was pretty cool. I got to meet some family I've never met, see some family I haven't seen in ten or fifteen years, and celebrate her life. She will surely be missed.

__________________
Free will lies not in the ability to craft your own fate, but in not knowing what your fate is. --Me

"I have just returned from visting the Marines at the front, and there is not a finer fighting organization in the world." --Douglas MacArthur

lurkette

I'm so sorry...I don't know the circumstances, and even if I did, telling you not to feel guilty would do little good. You're going to feel how you feel. All I can recommend is turning that sorrow into something beautiful, when you're ready.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Freetofly

Dealing with death is different with each death that occurs. There were two this week, both I never met the person. One was a teacher's father, I felt his pain and let him talk. The second one was a young man, with MD. My daughter was one of his caretakers. She cared about him greatly; he was completely unable to do anything for himself. But he took the time to teach my daughter many things, give her advice. When he slipped into a coma, she went to the hospital for 12 hours, talked to him, touched him, read to him. He passed the next day. My daughter just turned 21 and is handling it quite well, but I am the one who has taken it hard. Because he had changed her life forever, with what he taught her. She has cried off and on, but said she is okay, because of those 12 hours she spent with him.

chinese crested

There is no right or wrong way to feel or deal with death and grieving. Take the leave and go see your grandpa would be my advice. It will be a hard day for him, and I am sure he would appreciate a loving arm to lean on - of course it may also be his last chance to give you words, to share thoughts, to learn more of who he is and was.
I handle death very badly. I went the unreasonable guilt route - the 'if only I had phoned when I thought I should' (2.30 am to a shared house), the others would have woken up, and he may not have burnt to death. Please, never ever fall asleep drunk on the sofa with a fag in your hand. I moved house - and I still called my dog in, so she knows where to find me when its time for me to join her again - I know she is looked after with love where she is. When dad died, I wanted to go out in the street and call his dog Toby in - dead for many years. When dad died I felt a shooting star going from earth to the sky - I was a couple of miles away and I felt the moment of his release, the final discharge of energy or whatever. I like to think he is with Toby now, over the rainbow bridge, and both have left the cares and pains of this world behind. As a stroke victim, dad was like a person trapped in a boarded up house - he could see out of the attic windows - he could have thoughts and wishes and dreams. He did not want to be there anymore. Maybe part of how we deal with death depends upon its manner, does death come in kindness sometimes and leave us gentle endings.

lovexXx

I'm sorry for your loss, I find that talking about it helps quite a bit, my best friend was killed almost 3 years ago now, and I try not to dwell on it, but the smallest things remind me of him every now and then. I find when I bring up positive memories and tell someone that is close to me I feel a lot better. I hope you went/go to the memorial as sometimes it helps to be around people who really care. Don't try to forget that it happened but take it in strides and as hard as it is in the beginning, it does get easier!
All the best to you and your family!

Charlatan

Death kind of sucks for those who are left behind.

I have had to deal with a few deaths in my days and I can say that there really isn't a solution to dealing with death other than getting on with living. It's a cliche but time heals all wounds.

It still hurts like a motherfucker when I think of my father's suicide and all of the issues that will never be resolved (apparently word-play humour helps too). The thing is, I deal with it by living, by trying to be a good father to my kids. There's not much else I can do.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

high_jinx

a little more than a year ago my best friend died next to me when he flipped his car. i think everyone feels things their own way, but that said, nothings ever the same after you lose someone that close.

to me i imagine it like having lost a couple fingers... you can do almost everything you used to and there's good days and bad days, but even on the good days it's never the same as when you had your whole hand.

as for talking things out, take stock of how you usually deal with stresses. personally, i work everything out internally and am mortified when i have to "talk out" that kind of stuff, but i'm happy to do it to help other people... i just wouldn't do it for me. besides that, do whatever you do to connect to the rest of life and the world.... take walks on the beach, meditate, pray etc. eventually you can integrate it all into your life enough to enjoy the good days again.

__________________
-my phobia drowned while i was gettin down.

Leto

I've had to deal with death on multiple fronts over the years (a room-mate, a parent, a father-in-law, an aunt, a grandparent, a neighbour...) and know that for the people left behind, the process sort of numbs them. As cliche as it may seem, time does seem to heel.

this week though, our work place was struck with a tough one when our admin assistant - just returned from maternity leave - suffered the death of her 20 month old son on the Saturday of Easter weekend (last Sat). Still no answers why a fevered toddler, at a hospital, would pass away suddenly. Of course we are all shocked and devastated - but I am consumed with thinking about how she is going to go on from this. The funeral is today. It's going to be a mess.

__________________
You said you didn't give a fuck about hockey
And I never saw someone say that before
You held my hand and we walked home the long way
You were loosening my grip on Bobby Orr

http://dune.wikia.com/wiki/Leto_Atreides_I

EventHorizon

i'm not sure how i deal with it because each death is so individual and the grief feels so much more different depending on who died. when my cousin (closest thing to a sibling i ever had) died, i lost it for about an hour before class started and then i just went about my day like nothing happened. its not that i didn't want to mourn him, i just wasn't capable at the time.

However when my grandpa died, i wasn't sad in the slightest. He was the coolest old guy I've ever met in my entire life and he was really cool and not worried about much. It just seemed like he'd much happier dead and without cancer rather than living and having to put up with chemo and all that other nasty shit.

__________________
Does Marcellus Wallace have the appearance of a female canine? Then for what reason did you attempt to copulate with him as if he were a female canine?

Quote:

Originally Posted by canuckguy Pretty simple really, do your own thing as long as it does not fuck with anyone's enjoyment of life.

Spacehog

I'm probably a bit different from most myself. When I was young (middle school) my cousin closest in age to me died at 8 yrs old from Lukemia, my Grandfater (the person I was closest to) died from brain cancer, my Stepmom (the person who understood me best) was killed by my dad. (Don't say you're sorry to hear it, doesn't really matter anymore, it was a long time ago.) My other Grandpa died, not that I knew him, 2 great grandmothers, and I may be forgetting someone.

Point being, in 2 to 3 years I lost all these people who meant the world to me back to back. After that I pretty much just blanked out my sixth grade year. First day of seventh grade I couldn't even remember who my friends were from the year before. But my friends re-introduced themselves to me, and life goes on.

By highschool I had pretty much iced over and I've stayed that way till now and I'm currently 29.

Death to me now is just a part of life. My emotions don't really register. I get happy, angry, and nervous like everyone else. But love and sadness don't really click in my head like they do for most people.

So I guess how I deal with death now is that to me yeah it sucks, but everyone has to die at some point. I'm sad to see them go, but you'd be hard pressed to see me shed a tear over anyone no matter who they are. I don't think I'm avoiding, or bottling up. It just emotionally doesn't register to me anymore.