Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post

levite · 06-06-2010, 09:35 PM

I'm really sorry for your loss, man. That's hard. Very hard. I hope you find comfort and peace in the course of dealing with these events.

I have a number of things I do to deal with death. Some of them are part of my Judaism, which doesn't help you at all. But some of them are just mine. Those things include talking out my feelings. I truly don't believe it's healthy to bottle up what you feel and pretend it doesn't exist: that's like letting an abscess fester-- it may not burst outwardly, it might seep inwards, poisoning everything it touches. I have a couple of incredibly close, lifelong friends I can talk to about anything, and now I have an amazing wife I can also talk to about anything: those are resources I make use of. It can start by just telling stories about the deceased, talking about what I loved about them, or what troubled me about them. But by talking it out, I get a measure of closure.

I am also a big introspector. I give myself time alone, to meditate, to examine my feelings, to try to engage in self-analysis and self-reflection about the person and how I related to them and what parts they played in my life.

I also try to make my peace with their fate. This is, I grant you, made easier for me by some of my religious beliefs. But I also remind myself that death is a natural part of life, and that-- more literal kinds of immortality aside-- no one is entirely gone from the world who is remembered with love and spoken of with honor. This is cold comfort, at best, I know: it doesn't make anything better in the short term. But in the long term, I find it can help. It was something that was hard for me to truly comprehend when I was younger: the older I get, the more it becomes true and complex and valuable.

I urge you strongly not to fear your memories and emotions. Don't be afraid to cry, or to be angry, or to feel depressed, or to even feel relief if the deceased was suffering and is now not doing so. There is no one correct way to feel about losing someone, nor any one right way to behave in the aftermath of death. From being unafraid to confront what you truly feel and think, and to reflect on what one's impulses to behavior are, and why one does or does not wish to carry them through, one gains not only clarity and peace, but strength also.

06-06-2010, 09:35 PM	#2 (permalink)
levite Minion of Joss Location: The Windy City	I'm really sorry for your loss, man. That's hard. Very hard. I hope you find comfort and peace in the course of dealing with these events. I have a number of things I do to deal with death. Some of them are part of my Judaism, which doesn't help you at all. But some of them are just mine. Those things include talking out my feelings. I truly don't believe it's healthy to bottle up what you feel and pretend it doesn't exist: that's like letting an abscess fester-- it may not burst outwardly, it might seep inwards, poisoning everything it touches. I have a couple of incredibly close, lifelong friends I can talk to about anything, and now I have an amazing wife I can also talk to about anything: those are resources I make use of. It can start by just telling stories about the deceased, talking about what I loved about them, or what troubled me about them. But by talking it out, I get a measure of closure. I am also a big introspector. I give myself time alone, to meditate, to examine my feelings, to try to engage in self-analysis and self-reflection about the person and how I related to them and what parts they played in my life. I also try to make my peace with their fate. This is, I grant you, made easier for me by some of my religious beliefs. But I also remind myself that death is a natural part of life, and that-- more literal kinds of immortality aside-- no one is entirely gone from the world who is remembered with love and spoken of with honor. This is cold comfort, at best, I know: it doesn't make anything better in the short term. But in the long term, I find it can help. It was something that was hard for me to truly comprehend when I was younger: the older I get, the more it becomes true and complex and valuable. I urge you strongly not to fear your memories and emotions. Don't be afraid to cry, or to be angry, or to feel depressed, or to even feel relief if the deceased was suffering and is now not doing so. There is no one correct way to feel about losing someone, nor any one right way to behave in the aftermath of death. From being unafraid to confront what you truly feel and think, and to reflect on what one's impulses to behavior are, and why one does or does not wish to carry them through, one gains not only clarity and peace, but strength also. __________________ Dull sublunary lovers love, Whose soul is sense, cannot admit Absence, because it doth remove That thing which elemented it. (From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)