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lurkette · 06-07-2010, 02:34 PM

Most people who know me from my beginnings on TFP back in 2003 have heard the story of my brother's death. He was 25, just starting to have the life he wanted, and he was hit by a car and died of a traumatic head injury after 2 weeks in the ICU. He never recovered consciousness, but my mom and I were there with him the whole time and I got to hold his hand while he died.

How do you deal with it?

I'm not entirely sure you ever "deal with it." You kind of carry it around with you, and sometimes it makes you happy - remembering the good times which seem that much sweeter because they're gone beyond repetition - and sometimes it makes you despair, and most times you don't notice it at all.

Some of the ways I've kept the "good grief" (heh) are to remember who my brother was, at his core, and to honor that in how I live my own life. He was fearless, kind, and strong. He gave excellent hugs. It helps a lot to remember him with people who knew him in a different way than I did, to hear their stories about his life and see a different side of him than I got to see.

I think the times when I feel most at peace with Josh's death are when I can see it as a gift. Dealing with his death really rocked my world, shook me to my foundations, made me examine my own life and how I was living it and who I wanted to be. It stripped away a lot of the "not me." Although I would give almost anything for another minute with my brother, I wouldn't trade his death for anything.

If you can turn what you term a tragedy into something beautiful, that's the best way of dealing with death. Learn something from it, make something from it. Use it as an excuse never to leave "I love you" unsaid. Pass on that person's memory to someone else. Take what you loved best about that person and help it live on.

I'll second Levite's advice - know that whatever you're feeling is how you're 'supposed' to feel. Angry, sad, bitter, numb. Everyone grieves differently, and your grief is yours.

06-07-2010, 02:34 PM	#8 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Most people who know me from my beginnings on TFP back in 2003 have heard the story of my brother's death. He was 25, just starting to have the life he wanted, and he was hit by a car and died of a traumatic head injury after 2 weeks in the ICU. He never recovered consciousness, but my mom and I were there with him the whole time and I got to hold his hand while he died. How do you deal with it? I'm not entirely sure you ever "deal with it." You kind of carry it around with you, and sometimes it makes you happy - remembering the good times which seem that much sweeter because they're gone beyond repetition - and sometimes it makes you despair, and most times you don't notice it at all. Some of the ways I've kept the "good grief" (heh) are to remember who my brother was, at his core, and to honor that in how I live my own life. He was fearless, kind, and strong. He gave excellent hugs. It helps a lot to remember him with people who knew him in a different way than I did, to hear their stories about his life and see a different side of him than I got to see. I think the times when I feel most at peace with Josh's death are when I can see it as a gift. Dealing with his death really rocked my world, shook me to my foundations, made me examine my own life and how I was living it and who I wanted to be. It stripped away a lot of the "not me." Although I would give almost anything for another minute with my brother, I wouldn't trade his death for anything. If you can turn what you term a tragedy into something beautiful, that's the best way of dealing with death. Learn something from it, make something from it. Use it as an excuse never to leave "I love you" unsaid. Pass on that person's memory to someone else. Take what you loved best about that person and help it live on. I'll second Levite's advice - know that whatever you're feeling is how you're 'supposed' to feel. Angry, sad, bitter, numb. Everyone grieves differently, and your grief is yours. __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France