soma

I met this cutie on Saturday and we exchanged numbers. She sent me a flirty text later that night, and found me on Facebook the next day with another flirty message. Go me! Now I'm thinking I should ask her out over the phone, but I'm as nervous as a 4th grader when I'm on the phone with a girl. It's really weird, but I get a lot of confidence from the way I dress and behave in real life. When I'm talking to a girl over the phone, I don't have the same confidence. Here's how things usually go:

me: Hi, how's it going
her: Pretty good, and yourself?
me: Pretty good, just doing my laundry right now, what are you up to?
her: Just sitting around at home
me: Not doing anything cool?
her: No, not really
me: That's no good, you need some more excitement in your life
her: Yeah?
me: Yeah SO ANYWAY, you wanna grab dinner some time?

GREEN - Indicates an abrupt transition
Sprinkle in a few awkward pauses here and there and that's what a typical conversation over the phone looks like for me.

Do you guys have any tips for having a conversation with a girl over the phone? Also, if I engage a girl in a potentially long-ish conversation over the phone, should I start with: "do you have some time to talk right now?" Should I even try engaging in a long-ish conversation with a girl or should I just go for the kill right away?
I just feel like every time I try talking to a girl over the phone, I can't get comfortable enough talking to her for her to actually agree to hang out with me. All in all, I don't want to ask her out on Facebook, but I'm worried that the lack of confidence I may convey over the phone will turn her off big time.

I know I'm already really over thinking this, but I feel like it will help to hear some advice from you guys.

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Having Girl Problems?

ratbastid

I propose one small change to the script:

me: Hi, how's it going
her: Pretty good, and yourself?
me: Pretty good, just doing my laundry right now, what are you up to?
her: Just sitting around at home
me: Not doing anything cool?
her: No, not really
me: That's no good, you need some more excitement in your life
her: Yeah?
me: Yeah FOR INSTANCE, you wanna grab dinner some time?

Much smoother.

Xerxys

OMG dude, no.

Rule number one of any convo is .... YOU ARE ALWAYS BUSY. You don't have much time right now because you are running errands and are behind, but much later ... how's about some dinner? People such as yourself never engage in inane activities such as laundry. Laundry takes care of itself.

Remember, always busy.

RangerJoe

Is this why you are single?

Soma, as a girl, I think your original conversation is fine, but you can also use ratbastid's small change.

I, however, wouldn't pretend like you're always super busy and short on time. That might make the girl feel like you're not going to have much time to devote to her. You don't want that. A girl wants to feel like her guy would make time for her.

Xerxys

^^ Probably. It however works for initial contact.

It's the intrigue you create by being busy doing ..., busy things you shouldn't worry your pretty little head over.

I've been to many first dates. Second dates however, errrr.... I get busy, you know, hectic life ...

RangerJoe

Really? I'm a girl and I don't find it all that intriguing...

Plan9

This thread makes me feel like I need to wear a bomb suit and use a titanium surface probe when handling women.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

wooÐs

Definitely.
I don't even know him and I already want in his pants.

FelixP

Ummmmm...I'm RatBastid's twin brother.

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wooÐs

Hmm.

But are you as e-smooth as him?

KellyC

Perhaps you're aiming too high. I used to be shy on the phone with girls too--that's when texting came in VERY handy. Gives me a lot of time to think about what to say. Once I get comfortable with a girl I can then call her up to make small talk, like asking her out for lunch or dinner. If that goes well then I begin to talk to on the phone, plus texting, plus lunch and dinner.

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

Plan9

Felix is smooth like barbed wire toilet tissue.

...

The phone is a distance tool. You can use it to ask questions you might not want to ask in person... ya know, the disqualifiers.

Use it to find out how married she actually is, how fat she actually is, etc. Also useful to learn if she's got a voice like Fran Drescher.

I'd stick to text messages. Women seem to love those. They'll send you 50 texts even if they have absolutely nothing to say.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

KellyC

Like.....fur shuuuuurrrrrrrreeeeeee!!!

__________________
Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

wooÐs

Yeahah, and men don't?

If I had a dime for every time I've been asked what I'm wearing...

Plan9

Those aren't men; those are dogs.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

wooÐs

Difference being?

underdun

IMO if you like the texting, work that in to your advantage without over doing it. Text her a bit through out the day, find out how her day is going or what she does or had planned and try and work that into a conversation later on when you talk to her on the phone. If you find bits and pieces through out the day you can get more details from her later on the phone and maybe avoid awkward silences. Find out what she does for a living or something she is interested in, do a bit of research if necessary and try and find a common interest on that subject. The more you know the more you have to talk about. It doesn't hurt to ask questions either, if she enjoys something you are unaware of more than likely she wont have a problem explaining it to you. However don't ask you the sake of asking you have to want to know, if you seem uninterested she'll be able to tell and you might end up with quick short answeres. It works both way to, if she asks you a question about something or she doesn't understand go into depth, don't give her short quick answers either. The more someone understands something the more they will be willing to talk about it. Avoid swearing or using any kind of slang, for the most part you'll come off as uneducated. Try and keep the conversation at a "mutual" mood i guess we can call it. If you talk to her and you've had a lousy day and she's extatic about her day try not to bring her mood down, and if shes had a lousy day try to cheer her up but dont bring her down nemore by telling her awesome of a day you had. If you guys are at this beginning stage try and focus on her as much as you can, and give her what she wants from you. As you guys get to know each other better things will click and you shouldn't have a problem anymore.

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LordEden

That's what you get for giving Xerxys your cell phone number, didn't you read the TFP rules when you joined the board?

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The_Jazz

If you're calling her cell phone (which seems obvious), she's going to know its you before she picks up. That, sir, is a victory right off the bat. She WANTS to talk to you. Even if you think I'm full of shit on the rest of this, I hope you'll at least realize that.

But I'm going to have to disagree with the ever-smooth ratbastid. You are selling here, pure and simple. Are you telemarketing her? Trying to convince her to buy a car warranty from you? No? THEN PUT THE SCRIPT DOWN! If you've got stage-fright (which is really what it is), then make an outline of what you want to talk about before hand and have it in front of you. Don't write out lines, just one or two word reminders of ideas. Do NOT be scripted. Nervous is fine, especially since you're asking her out. Have Plan B ready in case she's not available for Plan A. She's already met you, so she's well aware of how awesome you are.

Let the conversation flow. If her situation changes abruptly and she needs to go, call back later. I think asking sooner in the conversation is better than later for you, if for no other reason that it will get you past your initial apprehension and let you participate in something that's not one-sided.

If she doesn't pick up, leave a message saying you'll call her back the next day but don't leave any specifics (in other words, don't ask her out on a first date via voice mail). If she calls you back sooner, even better. If she doesn't, follow through the next day.

One thing that you should keep in mind is that she's just as human as you are. She's not unapproachable. She's not godlike (only Xerxys is godlike, and you see how busy he is down in his mom's basement with all those other women). Talk to her just like you did when you met her - you haven't transformed into a different person since then, so you don't need to change how you speak other than to make sure you're polite and respectful. If you're not, you run the risk of becoming Crompsin, only able to get dates by whacking them over the head and towing them back to his cave (although what he does with them in the cave is a mystery, what with the smooth spot and all).

But, really, in all seriousness, have a conversation. That's the whole point. Have a conversation. In the macro-picture, you two are selling each other on the idea that you'd make a good, dependable close friend (with hopefully some fluid swapping).

FYI - you probably want to wait until at least the 3rd date to reveal that you have a prehensile tail. Just sayin'...

note for posterity: this thread will probably get lots of google hits, so the post isn't written only for soma. Use it as you will.

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allaboutmusic

I agree in part with being busy, but not in a fake "I'm too busy to talk to you way". You can phrase it in a way that shows that you've got a life (which you should do), but would still like to catch up. "Hey, I haven't got much time to chat as I've got to (whatever), but I'd like to catch up. I haven't had Nandos in a while... wanna come with?"

ratbastid

Well, yeah. I mean, my point wasn't "here's a script you can use". My point was more like, "be smooth, brotha". My tongue was somewhat in my cheek.

Look, you can also go the "flatteringly befuddled" route. This has two things going for it: a) it works for Hugh Grant, and every woman wants to do Hugh Grant, and 2) It happens to be the truth.

"Hi, it's me. Can I just get something out of the way first? I get all nervous and stupid talking to cute girls on the phone. I guess it's a stage fright thing. I just really want you to like me, and I end up coming across all forced and lame. So, will you just please forgive me in advance for being awkward and dumb on this call? Thanks."

Three things happen here: you're being genuine with her (which is a GOOD thing), and you snuck in a compliment there, which no girl doesn't like. And saying it will probably dispel it entirely, and you'll be Dr. Smoove for the rest of the conversation.

See, right there. I don't even know what to say about that.

wooÐs

No no - I gave him a fake number.

---------- Post added at 12:06 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:04 PM ----------

lol

The_Jazz

If you play your cards right, WooDs, and are willing to move a few hundred miles north, you can be the 3rd Mrs. Bastid, assuming that the other two want to jump your bones too.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

wooÐs

I've always had difficulty sharing my mens's.

So I'll just opt for in his pants once or thrice .

RangerJoe

This is a very important part of Jazz's advice (all of which was good). Try to remember that she is approachable. And, even if you're nervous, fake that confidence.

On the other hand,

this is adorable. I'm a sucker for the guys who are nervous around girls (they tend to be sweeter). Saying this will also act like an icebreaker.

LoganSnake

It may also show him in a bad light where the girl thinks that he lacks confidence. Not everybody's as sweet as you, Joe.

It may backfire and turn into a really prominent turn off that she may not have noticed the night before.

I find it easier to talk to people in person and during an activity (something as simple as walking in the city). That way you have visual clues all over the place that may serve as reminders of a situation you might want to share that she will find interesting or amusing. I'm not a phone conversationalist. My conversation would look similar to yours and only after we've met for said dinner/coffee would I actually engage her in a conversation.

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snowy

Some people on the phone are planners (like me) and some people are chatters. It sounds like you are a planner. Most people I talk on the phone with are well aware of the fact that I am a planner, not a chatter, because I've been upfront with them (ala ratbastid's suggestion) about my perceived awkwardness when talking to a chatter. It's just one style of communication on the phone. Don't worry about it so much.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

thespian86

honesty is the best policy.

Women like being liked. So showing you're interested isn't some "loss of power" or "indication of being a loser", it just shows you're interested.

Call her up, be straight forward. If she waffles, it's as they say, maybe she's Just Not That Into You.

---------- Post added at 05:48 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:40 PM ----------

I have to say I think this is a terrible idea. It comes across as childish. To admit you're not good at something is a strength, but to go over the top and try to cover all of your "embarrassing bases" before you even jump in, shows a complete and total lack of confidence in what you're saying, and who you are. You're a man, and part of being a man is being aware of those weaknesses and accepting them; this sounds like you are terribly uncomfortable with them.

I'd say something more along the lines of "Hi, it's me. I need to get something out of the way first. I'm not great on the phone; it's not my thing. But talking to you and getting to know you are important to me, so forgive me in advance for being all kinds of awkward." Something like that leaves the door open to say something less stupid then, but similar to: "I'm much better in person; I'm a hand talker. How about dinner or coffee". It also shows you're straight forward, honest, and aware.

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EX: Whats new?
ME: I officially love coffee more then you now.
EX: uh...
ME: So, not much.

genuinegirly

If a guy mentions that he's doing his own laundry, that earns big points in my book...

I really wouldn't worry about sounding suave on the phone. Just talk. Over-thinking a potential conversation doesn't make much sense - what would you do if she took it in a completely different tangent from where you expect? Go with it - ask her out. Abrupt or not, she's going to take you up on the offer if she's even remotely interested.

---------- Post added at 02:08 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:05 PM ----------

Seeing as how I have texting disabled on my phone, I wouldn't ever receive your message if you attempted to communicate with me in this fashion. Not all women love texts - I despise them.

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snowy

Same here. They have their uses. Getting to know someone is not one of them.

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soma

Thanks for the posts, I've read them all and used the advice you all have given. Let me summarize what has happened.

After reading the posts here, I decided that texting was a good way to start off. I've done it before, and it would definitely be less awkward than going right in with a phone call. It ended up working pretty well. Flirtatious and fun.

Well, as you all know, when two people are flirty with each other, you have to strike when the iron is hot. And when I say strike when the iron is hot, I mean ask the girl out before she loses interest. I decided that given the level of comfort we shared through our texts that I could step it up and call her to ask her out. Even though we shared some good texts with each other, I was still worried about calling her.

I took the advice to make an outline and practiced it for hours and prepared for just about any turn the conversation could take. It was a maddening evening for me. I even called 10-15 stores and restaurants just to ask random questions to build my phone talking confidence (I'm a computer nerd and hardly spend time talking to people on my phone). Finally at about 10:24pm, I felt fully prepared to call her. Nervous, but still prepared. I called her and the worst thing ever happened. She didn't even pick up! All that work for nothing!

She would see that I tried calling so I decided sending her a text wouldn't be so wussy after all, because I was man enough to try calling her, right? Anyway, I just got a positive response for hanging out tomorrow.

Now, should I call her or just text for the plans I have tomorrow?
I'm leaning more towards calling her ...

__________________
Having Girl Problems?

wooÐs

Seriously?

soma

Absolutely.
You just have no idea how bad a guy like me is on the phone...

__________________
Having Girl Problems?

The_Jazz

Call her.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo

inBOIL

I've done similar things to prepare for a conversation. Some of us are just bad at talking. I see it as no different than studying for an exam.

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LoganSnake

I'm the same way. Except I don't plan. I straight up accept that I suck on the phone. After the initial "Hi" and "What's up?" I have no idea what to say. Most of my calls with friends are less than 40 seconds long. We just call each other to finalize/make plans.

It's a different story when the other person is doing most of the talking though.

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

allaboutmusic

Some people find communicating over the phone less natural than others. I'm pretty good at it and have even received compliments about my telephone manner, but I don't enjoy making phone calls and have to work against my natural tendency to avoid making them.

soma

Ready to be inundated with another update?

I called her, and we ended up hanging out the same day.
I was almost sure that I'd do way better around her in person, but I didn't really. It was better than over the phone, but ... the whole time I felt a bit nervous around her. Usually when I meet girls at parties and hang out with them later, they're usually less attractive in broad daylight with my sober goggles on, so it puts less pressure on me. But with this girl, she was cuter than I remembered, which was nice, but it really threw me off.

Even though the date wasn't horrible, I just didn't have it in me to be very confident and flirty around her. I felt like a failure at the end and went drinking with my brother later in the afternoon. I told him how it went and he told me that maybe it wasn't so bad after all. I decided to text her to tell her I had a good time and that maybe we could hang out again. She replied quickly and said that she too had a good time and would be willing to see me again some time. Now, I feel a little better, but ... well, I have to figure out where to go from here...

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Having Girl Problems?

ratbastid

Seriously, dude. Cop to being a dork because she's so cute. It's the truth, and she'll love it.

The_Jazz

Ditto. It's pretty obvious she likes you too.

__________________
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." - B. Franklin
"There ought to be limits to freedom." - George W. Bush
"We have met the enemy and he is us." - Pogo