Do you cheat on your SO with money? - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Cynthetiq · 07-30-2008, 08:39 AM

Quote:

View: Honey, I cheated with your checkbook
Source: CNN
posted with the TFP thread generator

Honey, I cheated with your checkbook
Story Highlights
Lying to spouse about spending habits is financial infidelity
Women were slightly more likely to be dishonest than men, survey found
Secret spending can be indication of a larger problem
If you are suspicious spouse is cheating with checkbook -- order a credit report

By Diane Mapes
(LifeWire) -- When Cory Watson, a 23-year-old pharmacy technician from Paradise, California, noticed that a tax refund had been deposited into the joint checking account he maintains with his wife, he did two things. First, he headed to the mall where he quickly spent the $100 on new DVDs. Second, he kept his mouth shut.

"I wasn't trying to be super sneaky about it, but it was kind of like, 'I think I'll head down and buy a couple of things'," he says. "Of course, my wife had no idea that the [money] had even come. She didn't find out until about a month later."

Call it secret spending, checkbook cheating or financial infidelity -- plenty of Americans are guilty of it.

Twenty nine percent of people in a committed relationship admitted to lying to their partner about their spending habits, according to a Harris Interactive survey of 1,796 people ages 25-55.

Women were slightly more likely than men to be dishonest; according to the 2005 survey, 33 percent of women had something to hide, as opposed to 26 percent of men. Watch the best way to remain financially faithful »

Secret shopper

Kathy Kitts, a 50-year-old brain development specialist from Germantown, Maryland, says she became a "secret shopper" when she had a part-time job at a clothing store four years ago.

"I would buy stuff and bring it home all the time, although I wouldn't necessarily bring it straight home," she says. "It would end up in the trunk of my car for a while and then in my closet."

Kitts' secret spending habits are fairly typical, says Tina B. Tessina, a Long Beach, California, psychotherapist and author of "Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage."

"Women tend to buy clothes, make-up and personal indulgences like pedicures, while men tend to hide big-ticket items," says Tessina. "They spend more on gambling and the stock market and fantasy football and porn. They don't hide their spending in the closet; they hide it on the computer."

Impulse vs. addiction

Not surprisingly, secret spending can sometimes be indicative of a larger problem.

Theo Pauline Nestor, a 46-year-old writer, teacher and mother of two from Seattle, Washington, found out her husband was surreptitiously using credit cards to fund a gambling habit that she said eventually cost the couple their marriage.

"He had seven credit cards in his name that were being sent to a different address," says Nestor, who detailed her experiences in the memoir, "How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed." "I had a feeling something was wrong but I pushed it down. Now I tell people to trust their gut, to start asking questions and snooping around."

Tessina estimates 25 percent of the couples she sees for overspending are grappling with addiction issues, which can often cause a person's life to spin out of control.

"Addiction begins to adversely affect your life," she says. "Your spouse leaves you but you still keep doing it."

Normal spending sprees are much more common -- and much less devastating -- although they can still cause problems in a marriage

"If you find your spouse has been sneaking around on you -- and that's what this is -- that messes up your trust," she says. "Your marriage is really a business and if a spouse is secretly spending, that's undermining it in a really serious way. It's like they're embezzling."

It takes two

Daniel Schoonmaker, a 28-year-old public relations executive from Grand Rapids, Michigan, says he wasn't so much a secret spender as a secret charger. Not only did he have $19,000 of debt his fiancée didn't know about (most of it related to a fixer-upper he bought in 2004) he charged more than $20,000 in wedding expenses that she assumed he'd paid in cash.

"Two weeks before the wedding we sat down and started discussing finances," he says. "She knew I had debt but she was surprised to hear how much it was. 'Panic attack' may be a more correct term."

Luckily, Schoonmaker and his new bride, Kristina, a 28-year-old insurance agent, were able to weather the financial maelstrom. The two came up with a budget, stuck by it, and, now, six months into their marriage, they're nearly debt-free. What's more, Schoonmaker says he's given up spending money behind her back.

"Marriage is a partnership," he says. "I don't feel right trying to hide things from her any more."

Lose the financial blinders

Putting a stop to secret spending doesn't necessarily mean giving up all financial independence, says Tessina.

"People still need to be able to breathe, to buy a little fun here and there," she says.

But if one person spends money and isn't able to talk about it with the other, that may be indicative of a larger marital frustration.

"Marriage counseling can help with that," she says. "If it goes deeper, if the person has emotional pain and they're medicating by spending money -- that may require individual therapy." The best medicine all around, though, is to be financially informed, she advises.

How can you avoid the secret spending trap?

• Sit down with your partner once a month to talk about your finances. Don't be afraid to ask where the money is going.

• If you feel like there's something you're missing, order a credit report. You can request a free copy of your credit report once a year at www.annualcreditreport.com.

• If a spouse is indulging too much, don't yell or lecture or blame. Present the problem ("honey, the bills are too high") and try to get them to look at it with you. Running up the credit card doesn't have to destroy a marriage; working through a secret spending habit might just make it stronger.

We discussed http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/tilted-...l-breaker.html earlier this summer. I found it quite an interesting read.

What I think is more problematic isn't so much if we cheat on the check register or the FICO score, or financial health of an individual. What is more problematic to me is that we are uncomfortable talking about money with each other second on to sex.

When I first started dating Skogafoss my "entertainment" money was never disclosed. This ranged from everything to dining, theater, drinking, drugging, whatever. Really it was mostly drinking and drugging, but I never wanted to see the total amount as a line item whenever I made budgets for myself. I'd move it around hide it even from myself.

Eventually we moved in together and I had to disclose just how much it was, I'd do side work and never disclose how much I made or how much was spent. It was my secret money. To this day it still is kind of like that. I have stashes of cash because I've never broken myself of this habit. I think it's rooted in the hiding money under the board when playing Monopoly.

Do you hide spending from yourself or your spouse?

ShaniFaye · 07-30-2008, 08:45 AM

Nope and I wouldnt even consider it. We both know exactly how much is in the bank at all times and exactly what every penny is spent on

Glory's Sun · 07-30-2008, 08:46 AM

I don't hide money from my wife. Granted, this doesn't mean I'll call and ask if it's ok if I buy something and she doesn't do the same unless it's a big purchase so no, I don't cheat on my wife with it. She's pulled the trick once but I took the stuff back. No it wasn't personal items or anything of the sort. She impulsively bought some stuff for the house that was way overpriced and we didn't need it. I had a refund in about 2 hours.

She'll usually call me and say she's getting this or that, but really the only time I've called her before a purchase is when it's a car or something like that. Even then I'm like hey, I'm about to get this.

I think one problem people have alot of times is not being honest about the specific amount they spent. If the spouse comes home with a few pair of shoes or a new golf club, they'll usually drop the actual price of the item(s) they bought to try and "help" the situation look better. This is pretty stupid. It does nothing but cause problems.. unless of course you have enough money that you never bother to check your account(s); and in that case.. I'm for rent.

snowy · 07-30-2008, 08:46 AM

Yes, I avoid talking about spending and spending habits, and it is a bad habit instilled in me by my parents. My dad openly talks about money, but never about spending, and same with my mother. They never ever talk about spending with each other, and my mother has major issues in regards to hiding spending from my dad. I hate to say it, but the cycle continues, and I'm trying to break myself of it. I try to keep myself honest with my SO, but it's hard--it's like something is hardwired in me NOT to talk about it. Ugh. How does one overcome such a hurdle? I'm interested to see who else is in a similar boat.

Of course, we have no shared accounts, everything is separate. And I don't have the money to make big crazy purchases. But does he know precisely how much money I have? No. Does he care? Not likely. So on the other hand, I feel like we've yet to reach a point where not talking about spending really affects our finances or our relationship, simply because we do keep them separate.

Jinn · 07-30-2008, 08:56 AM

Our accounts are 100% separate, and the only concern I have is that half of the maintenance - rent, food, utilities, cable, internet.. is there when it needs to be. What she spends the rest of her money on is none of my concern, and vise versa.

Even if we do get a shared account, it will only be for saving or purchases that we want to always split. If will not be calling my SO for "permission" to buy anything, ever. If I work for my money, I will spend it how and when I please.

jewels · 07-30-2008, 09:19 AM

This is a fascinating topic.

Both of my marriages were based on all funds being pooled, all major purchase decisions faced together. I did secretly keep a small account (back when insurance was 80/20 and you'd have to file claims to get reimbursed) where I deposited all medical insurance checks. I must've seen the writing on the wall.

In my last live-in relationship, we had separate accounts, but he always was frank and open about all of his accounts (so I never had the opportunity to ask, even if I wanted to) and where his money went. He never asked about mine, but I never hid anything from him.

If I were to have another serious relationship or even decide to marry, I think at this point we'd probably maintain the existing accounts we each have and possibly open some joint accounts. I'd always thought a couple should keep things together, maybe as a show of faith or commitment to the relationship. I'm not quite sure if that's so or if it makes a difference in any way. But I don't think I'd ever choose a mate that would be controlling enough to make me account for my expenditures without good reason (me falling financially on my face) and I would want him to have that same freedom.

Maybe it all comes down to trust. Conjecture only, I'm thinking out loud: Maybe when I was younger, I needed the reassurance that money wasn't being spent elsewhere and now that I'm older, I would never fall into a relationship where the trust wasn't there?

MSD · 07-30-2008, 10:07 AM

I'm still trapped living at home, and while my mom needs a fair amount of money contributed toward bills, I don't talk about exactly how much I get paid because it's nobody's business but mine how much I spend on nights out with friends, guns, and anything else she doesn't approve of. My only problem right now is that I can't afford to move out and keep contributing to stuff like the mortgage back at home and I can't ethically justify moving out and letting my mom and brother lose the house because I'm not contributing.

Xazy · 07-30-2008, 10:27 AM

While our money for now is separate the large account I have with most of the funds from my half is linked to her account and she can always see the balance. Doc may not know exactly what I spend every penny on but we are very open. I probably know a bit less on what exactly she has in her accounts, but we have been meaning for a while now to make a master list of all accounts so in case G-d forbid we need access to the others we have the information readily available.

Due to this thread I guess I can start working on that now, it is not a bad idea.

genuinegirly · 07-30-2008, 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MSD

... My only problem right now is that I can't afford to move out and keep contributing to stuff like the mortgage back at home and I can't ethically justify moving out and letting my mom and brother lose the house because I'm not contributing.

Oh, that is a terribly sticky situation that they have put you in. Glad I'm not trapped in your shoes.

Tt and I recently set up a joint checking account. We inform one another of all purchases. Sometimes we ask for advice and input, but mainly so we both know where our money is going. We're a team - a team that is trying together to save as much money as possible.

Daval · 07-30-2008, 10:37 AM

I handle all of the finances in the family, pay the bills, handle investments and whatnot. I do make the odd purchase for dive gear and have been known to downplay the price tag at times....

Redlemon · 07-30-2008, 10:53 AM

We have a threshold dollar value, at which point we will discuss how necessary the purchase is. Below that value, we go ahead and buy stuff.

PonyPotato · 07-30-2008, 11:04 AM

We are not married and so do not have joint accounts, but we usually discuss nearly every purchase with one another and split costs of joint resources (food, apartment stuff, trading off on movies/events/DVDs, etc.). Though we provide input to each other regarding purchases/sales/money management, we can't/don't prevent each other from making certain purchases and whatnot. I gave him a nudge to trade in the truck for a fuel-efficient car, he is helping nudge me to sell the second horse who is draining 1/4 of my income every month just in board alone. We're a team, and we try to be financially careful and smart, but sometimes we both make impulse purchases and whine about it later. I think that's normal.

fresnelly · 07-30-2008, 11:23 AM

Nope.

All our accounts are shared so everything is transparent. I maintain my old student-days credit card for emergencies and presents.

She spends more than I do on clothes and whatnot, but I trust her not to blow the budget. We've been married for almost 9 years without a problem.

girldetective · 07-30-2008, 12:15 PM

My ex and I always had separate accounts, both checking and savings. I didnt know how much money he had, and he didnt know my account balances, at least not until the divorce. The exception to this was a 401K.

I dont think there was any hiding of funds, just that we didnt talk about money until there was some big purchase, and sometimes not even then. I was surprised on more than one occasion. In hindsight, I think not knowing where one another stood, and making assumptions, led to a little stress that neither of us noticed or brought up. At the same time, looking back I can see that not talking about money may have added a freedom for us.

I have a sister who actively hides receipts and the amount of money something costs from her spouse. I have never understood that, thinking it would be detrimental to their marriage, but they are one of the happiest couples I know. Perhaps its that ignorance is bliss adage at work.

Punk.of.Ages · 07-30-2008, 12:25 PM

I spend my money on what I want. Period.

If I'm in a relationship I don't keep it from her. On the same note she doesn't try to control what I spend my money on. If she does, that's a very potential deal breaker for me.

I will be the first to admit that my spending habits aren't the smartest. I buy all kinds of things on impulse and don't budget well, but that's nobody's business but mine.

Push-Pull · 07-31-2008, 05:15 AM

I make it, I spend it. As long as the obligations are taken care of, I'll do what I want. She's got her own income now and it works the same for her. We do have common money goals, but day-to-day, we stay out of each other's checkbooks.

abaya · 07-31-2008, 05:34 AM

Nope. We are as open and trusting about money as we are about everything else in our marriage. We have individual accounts (money from before we were married) and joint accounts, but money flows freely between all of them. We discuss big purchases together--I'm particularly paranoid about making sure he's okay with what I'm buying, since he's making more money right now--but small things, eh. We trust each other and have disclosed every known financial detail between us. I can't imagine hiding anything from each other...

StanT · 07-31-2008, 07:37 AM

His and hers accounts, with his and hers bills for us. We swap money around all the time; but balancing a shared account is more grief than it is worth for us.

While we are far from affluent, we aren't really having money issues, either. We discuss larger purchases; but honestly there are few things that both of us disagree enough to argue about. I have no idea why a new washer and dryer would cost $3000, but I really don't care enough to call her on it. I'm sure she feels the same way about the new exhaust on my motorcycle.

The only deal we have is no loans or large balances on credit cards without discussion. As long as it's cash, it isn't "cheating".

Fotzlid · 07-31-2008, 07:58 AM

We have a joint accounts. We used to both have seperate checking accounts but I closed mine. I always check the accounts online so even though she does the bills, I know how much went out and where.
We maintain our own credit cards. I have no idea what her balances are but knowing that she is a shopper, I imagine they are fairly high. So long as she can make the payments without affecting the household bills, I don't care what she spends her money on.

thespian86 · 07-31-2008, 08:39 AM

guilty.

At my age there is no point in "sharing" finances. Even when I was with Ash, we would share spending but more out of generosity and each other's current money situation, then a set of planned out payments. For instance I payed to have her car fixed, she payed for groceries twice, etc. We didn't really keep count; I didn't really care.

canuckguy · 07-31-2008, 08:50 AM

This is a fantastic thread!

I learned the hard way from my previous mistake not to be so trusting. I let my ex handle all our finances even though i earned 80% of the house hold income. When we separated it was shocking to see what she was doing with our money, i mean my money. And more shocking that the day we talked about separating she withdrew 13k from our chequing account and 20k from our savings.

I am very open with my current SO about cash and will have a joint account when the time comes, but will always keep my own accounts as well and expect her to do the same.

ngdawg · 07-31-2008, 08:55 AM

I handle all the money issues. The spouse prefers ignorance about it, even though I share information with him. This ignorance caused us last November to be charged over $260 in NSF charges because he lives on his debit card, never writes in what he's spent unless I mention it to him to do so.
By the same token, if I save for something and then get it, he's adamant about whatever I bought-new computer, the camera-to call it "ours". They're not. They're mine.
If I have something coming up, I stash cash for it. Yet, if there's something coming up he wants to do and I tell him to stash cash for it, he responds that he shouldn't have to-the money we have is "mostly his" because he makes 3 times more than I do.
He's clueless and whatever I try to do doesn't sink in.
Do I "cheat" on him with the money? Sort of. When our electric was shut off, I was bailed out and this past week, when he had hit the ATM too many times and my money owed hadn't come in, I had to be bailed out again. These times I don't tell him about. The last time I asked him where all these ATM cashouts were going, he got defensive and started yelling, so fuck it. It's like cleaning up after a dog-he makes the mess, I come up from behind and clean it up. Of course, I am partially to blame as it's my money too, but I try to stay one step ahead and keep the bills current while trying to balance a checkbook filled with ATM this and debitcard purchase that.

*Nikki* · 07-31-2008, 09:00 AM

We have separate and joint accounts. However mine has no $$ in it, so I use the joint one. He sees every purchase I make and I can look to see what he spends, but I don't. He pays for it all so why should I?? At the end of the day all bills are paid first.

yellowmac · 08-01-2008, 06:52 PM

I handle all of our finances, and if I really wanted to, I could easily hide something from my better half. That being said, I operate under the "karma is a bitch" principle, so I don't do this.

If you're cheating on your SO with money, that's just setting yourself up for epic failure.

MSD · 08-04-2008, 09:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by genuinegirly

Oh, that is a terribly sticky situation that they have put you in. Glad I'm not trapped in your shoes.

They haven't put me in it, we got stuck in it together because I was starting college when my dad died. I could move out in two months, but then my mom would have to sell the house at a huge loss compared to actual value and I won't do that to my immediate family. I do let my mom know that she's crazy to think that I'll stay at home until I get married.

Quote:

Originally Posted by merleniau

We're a team, and we try to be financially careful and smart, but sometimes we both make impulse purchases and whine about it later. I think that's normal.

Ah, impulse purchases. They sometimes kill me because I have expensive tastes (yes, I did absolutely need that Burrberry coat that was marked down to $185 from $800,) and sometimes because of the two-week waiting period (the local gun store has a 50% off rack v

v)

Meditrina · 08-04-2008, 09:53 AM

We have a joint account, he takes care of paying the bills, I take care of balancing the check book. This way we both know what is going on. He knows more than I do, so when I want to purchase something I usually ask if it's ok to debit or use the credit card instead. I always feel guilty for buying frivolous things for myself, and end up asking him if it's ok. He never says no. He even asks me if it's ok to buy new softball bats, and other things. We never hid any purchases from each other, big or small. I guess we do have some amount of trust in our relationship (I will have to remember that more often.)

Nikilidstrom · 08-05-2008, 01:23 PM

When I was young and dumb, i had a problem budgeting and keeping myself from spending frivolously, to the point where I had some serious financial issues early on. I worked through those, but now I love having her to use as a sounding board for when I'm deciding on larger purchases, and she does the same. Obviously anything small neither of us thinks twice about, but even for something bigger I know we can afford, I like to have her opinion on its usefulness. And she's great about "toys", and has actually convinced me to buy things that I wanted but never would have trusted myself to determine if it was worth buying.

My dad had a stash when I was growing up, he called it his "mad money". It wasn't a secret from my mom, but nobody except my dad knew how much it was at any one time. It had to be quite a bit at times, because he would come home on occasion with a motorcycle, or a car needing restoration, and the only explanation he would give was that he bought it with his mad money.

07-30-2008, 08:45 AM	#2 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	Nope and I wouldnt even consider it. We both know exactly how much is in the bank at all times and exactly what every penny is spent on __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

07-30-2008, 08:46 AM	#4 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	Yes, I avoid talking about spending and spending habits, and it is a bad habit instilled in me by my parents. My dad openly talks about money, but never about spending, and same with my mother. They never ever talk about spending with each other, and my mother has major issues in regards to hiding spending from my dad. I hate to say it, but the cycle continues, and I'm trying to break myself of it. I try to keep myself honest with my SO, but it's hard--it's like something is hardwired in me NOT to talk about it. Ugh. How does one overcome such a hurdle? I'm interested to see who else is in a similar boat. Of course, we have no shared accounts, everything is separate. And I don't have the money to make big crazy purchases. But does he know precisely how much money I have? No. Does he care? Not likely. So on the other hand, I feel like we've yet to reach a point where not talking about spending really affects our finances or our relationship, simply because we do keep them separate. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau Last edited by snowy; 07-30-2008 at 10:18 AM..

07-30-2008, 08:56 AM	#5 (permalink)
Jinn Lover - Protector - Teacher Location: Seattle, WA	Our accounts are 100% separate, and the only concern I have is that half of the maintenance - rent, food, utilities, cable, internet.. is there when it needs to be. What she spends the rest of her money on is none of my concern, and vise versa. Even if we do get a shared account, it will only be for saving or purchases that we want to always split. If will not be calling my SO for "permission" to buy anything, ever. If I work for my money, I will spend it how and when I please. __________________ "I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

07-30-2008, 09:19 AM	#6 (permalink)
jewels Eponymous Location: Central Central Florida	This is a fascinating topic. Both of my marriages were based on all funds being pooled, all major purchase decisions faced together. I did secretly keep a small account (back when insurance was 80/20 and you'd have to file claims to get reimbursed) where I deposited all medical insurance checks. I must've seen the writing on the wall. In my last live-in relationship, we had separate accounts, but he always was frank and open about all of his accounts (so I never had the opportunity to ask, even if I wanted to) and where his money went. He never asked about mine, but I never hid anything from him. If I were to have another serious relationship or even decide to marry, I think at this point we'd probably maintain the existing accounts we each have and possibly open some joint accounts. I'd always thought a couple should keep things together, maybe as a show of faith or commitment to the relationship. I'm not quite sure if that's so or if it makes a difference in any way. But I don't think I'd ever choose a mate that would be controlling enough to make me account for my expenditures without good reason (me falling financially on my face) and I would want him to have that same freedom. Maybe it all comes down to trust. Conjecture only, I'm thinking out loud: Maybe when I was younger, I needed the reassurance that money wasn't being spent elsewhere and now that I'm older, I would never fall into a relationship where the trust wasn't there? __________________ We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess. Mark Twain

07-30-2008, 10:37 AM	#10 (permalink)
Daval Junkie Location: The True North Strong and Free!	I handle all of the finances in the family, pay the bills, handle investments and whatnot. I do make the odd purchase for dive gear and have been known to downplay the price tag at times.... __________________ "It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it." Winston Churchill

07-30-2008, 08:46 AM	#3 (permalink)
Glory's Sun Registered User	I don't hide money from my wife. Granted, this doesn't mean I'll call and ask if it's ok if I buy something and she doesn't do the same unless it's a big purchase so no, I don't cheat on my wife with it. She's pulled the trick once but I took the stuff back. No it wasn't personal items or anything of the sort. She impulsively bought some stuff for the house that was way overpriced and we didn't need it. I had a refund in about 2 hours. She'll usually call me and say she's getting this or that, but really the only time I've called her before a purchase is when it's a car or something like that. Even then I'm like hey, I'm about to get this. I think one problem people have alot of times is not being honest about the specific amount they spent. If the spouse comes home with a few pair of shoes or a new golf club, they'll usually drop the actual price of the item(s) they bought to try and "help" the situation look better. This is pretty stupid. It does nothing but cause problems.. unless of course you have enough money that you never bother to check your account(s); and in that case.. I'm for rent.

07-30-2008, 10:07 AM	#7 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	I'm still trapped living at home, and while my mom needs a fair amount of money contributed toward bills, I don't talk about exactly how much I get paid because it's nobody's business but mine how much I spend on nights out with friends, guns, and anything else she doesn't approve of. My only problem right now is that I can't afford to move out and keep contributing to stuff like the mortgage back at home and I can't ethically justify moving out and letting my mom and brother lose the house because I'm not contributing.

07-30-2008, 10:27 AM	#8 (permalink)
Xazy People in masks cannot be trusted Location: NYC	While our money for now is separate the large account I have with most of the funds from my half is linked to her account and she can always see the balance. Doc may not know exactly what I spend every penny on but we are very open. I probably know a bit less on what exactly she has in her accounts, but we have been meaning for a while now to make a master list of all accounts so in case G-d forbid we need access to the others we have the information readily available. Due to this thread I guess I can start working on that now, it is not a bad idea.

07-30-2008, 10:53 AM	#11 (permalink)
Redlemon Devoted Donor Location: New England	We have a threshold dollar value, at which point we will discuss how necessary the purchase is. Below that value, we go ahead and buy stuff. __________________ I can't read your signature. Sorry.

07-30-2008, 11:04 AM	#12 (permalink)
PonyPotato Soaring Location: Ohio!	We are not married and so do not have joint accounts, but we usually discuss nearly every purchase with one another and split costs of joint resources (food, apartment stuff, trading off on movies/events/DVDs, etc.). Though we provide input to each other regarding purchases/sales/money management, we can't/don't prevent each other from making certain purchases and whatnot. I gave him a nudge to trade in the truck for a fuel-efficient car, he is helping nudge me to sell the second horse who is draining 1/4 of my income every month just in board alone. We're a team, and we try to be financially careful and smart, but sometimes we both make impulse purchases and whine about it later. I think that's normal. __________________ "Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark." — Henri-Frédéric Amiel

07-30-2008, 11:23 AM	#13 (permalink)
fresnelly Functionally Appropriate Location: Toronto	Nope. All our accounts are shared so everything is transparent. I maintain my old student-days credit card for emergencies and presents. She spends more than I do on clothes and whatnot, but I trust her not to blow the budget. We've been married for almost 9 years without a problem. __________________ Building an artificial intelligence that appreciates Mozart is easy. Building an A.I. that appreciates a theme restaurant is the real challenge - Kit Roebuck - Nine Planets Without Intelligent Life

07-30-2008, 12:15 PM	#14 (permalink)
girldetective sufferable	My ex and I always had separate accounts, both checking and savings. I didnt know how much money he had, and he didnt know my account balances, at least not until the divorce. The exception to this was a 401K. I dont think there was any hiding of funds, just that we didnt talk about money until there was some big purchase, and sometimes not even then. I was surprised on more than one occasion. In hindsight, I think not knowing where one another stood, and making assumptions, led to a little stress that neither of us noticed or brought up. At the same time, looking back I can see that not talking about money may have added a freedom for us. I have a sister who actively hides receipts and the amount of money something costs from her spouse. I have never understood that, thinking it would be detrimental to their marriage, but they are one of the happiest couples I know. Perhaps its that ignorance is bliss adage at work. __________________ As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

07-30-2008, 12:25 PM	#15 (permalink)
Punk.of.Ages Forming Location: ....a state of pure inebriation.	I spend my money on what I want. Period. If I'm in a relationship I don't keep it from her. On the same note she doesn't try to control what I spend my money on. If she does, that's a very potential deal breaker for me. I will be the first to admit that my spending habits aren't the smartest. I buy all kinds of things on impulse and don't budget well, but that's nobody's business but mine. __________________ "The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager "Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike

07-31-2008, 05:15 AM	#16 (permalink)
Push-Pull I'll ask when I'm ready.... Location: Firmly in the middle....	I make it, I spend it. As long as the obligations are taken care of, I'll do what I want. She's got her own income now and it works the same for her. We do have common money goals, but day-to-day, we stay out of each other's checkbooks.

07-31-2008, 05:34 AM	#17 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	Nope. We are as open and trusting about money as we are about everything else in our marriage. We have individual accounts (money from before we were married) and joint accounts, but money flows freely between all of them. We discuss big purchases together--I'm particularly paranoid about making sure he's okay with what I'm buying, since he's making more money right now--but small things, eh. We trust each other and have disclosed every known financial detail between us. I can't imagine hiding anything from each other... __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

07-31-2008, 07:37 AM	#18 (permalink)
StanT © Location: Colorado	His and hers accounts, with his and hers bills for us. We swap money around all the time; but balancing a shared account is more grief than it is worth for us. While we are far from affluent, we aren't really having money issues, either. We discuss larger purchases; but honestly there are few things that both of us disagree enough to argue about. I have no idea why a new washer and dryer would cost $3000, but I really don't care enough to call her on it. I'm sure she feels the same way about the new exhaust on my motorcycle. The only deal we have is no loans or large balances on credit cards without discussion. As long as it's cash, it isn't "cheating".

07-31-2008, 07:58 AM	#19 (permalink)
Fotzlid Junkie Location: Greater Boston area	We have a joint accounts. We used to both have seperate checking accounts but I closed mine. I always check the accounts online so even though she does the bills, I know how much went out and where. We maintain our own credit cards. I have no idea what her balances are but knowing that she is a shopper, I imagine they are fairly high. So long as she can make the payments without affecting the household bills, I don't care what she spends her money on.

07-31-2008, 08:39 AM	#20 (permalink)
thespian86 change is hard. Location: the green room.	guilty. At my age there is no point in "sharing" finances. Even when I was with Ash, we would share spending but more out of generosity and each other's current money situation, then a set of planned out payments. For instance I payed to have her car fixed, she payed for groceries twice, etc. We didn't really keep count; I didn't really care. __________________ EX: Whats new? ME: I officially love coffee more then you now. EX: uh... ME: So, not much.

07-31-2008, 08:50 AM	#21 (permalink)
canuckguy I read your emails. Location: earth	This is a fantastic thread! I learned the hard way from my previous mistake not to be so trusting. I let my ex handle all our finances even though i earned 80% of the house hold income. When we separated it was shocking to see what she was doing with our money, i mean my money. And more shocking that the day we talked about separating she withdrew 13k from our chequing account and 20k from our savings. I am very open with my current SO about cash and will have a joint account when the time comes, but will always keep my own accounts as well and expect her to do the same.

07-31-2008, 08:55 AM	#22 (permalink)
ngdawg peekaboo Location: on the back, bitch	I handle all the money issues. The spouse prefers ignorance about it, even though I share information with him. This ignorance caused us last November to be charged over $260 in NSF charges because he lives on his debit card, never writes in what he's spent unless I mention it to him to do so. By the same token, if I save for something and then get it, he's adamant about whatever I bought-new computer, the camera-to call it "ours". They're not. They're mine. If I have something coming up, I stash cash for it. Yet, if there's something coming up he wants to do and I tell him to stash cash for it, he responds that he shouldn't have to-the money we have is "mostly his" because he makes 3 times more than I do. He's clueless and whatever I try to do doesn't sink in. Do I "cheat" on him with the money? Sort of. When our electric was shut off, I was bailed out and this past week, when he had hit the ATM too many times and my money owed hadn't come in, I had to be bailed out again. These times I don't tell him about. The last time I asked him where all these ATM cashouts were going, he got defensive and started yelling, so fuck it. It's like cleaning up after a dog-he makes the mess, I come up from behind and clean it up. Of course, I am partially to blame as it's my money too, but I try to stay one step ahead and keep the bills current while trying to balance a checkbook filled with ATM this and debitcard purchase that.

07-31-2008, 09:00 AM	#23 (permalink)
Nikki ~~~~~~~ Location: Charleston, SC	We have separate and joint accounts. However mine has no $$ in it, so I use the joint one. He sees every purchase I make and I can look to see what he spends, but I don't. He pays for it all so why should I?? At the end of the day all bills are paid first.

08-01-2008, 06:52 PM	#24 (permalink)
yellowmac Insane Location: left coast	I handle all of our finances, and if I really wanted to, I could easily hide something from my better half. That being said, I operate under the "karma is a bitch" principle, so I don't do this. If you're cheating on your SO with money, that's just setting yourself up for epic failure.

08-04-2008, 09:53 AM	#26 (permalink)
Meditrina Junkie Location: LI,NY	We have a joint account, he takes care of paying the bills, I take care of balancing the check book. This way we both know what is going on. He knows more than I do, so when I want to purchase something I usually ask if it's ok to debit or use the credit card instead. I always feel guilty for buying frivolous things for myself, and end up asking him if it's ok. He never says no. He even asks me if it's ok to buy new softball bats, and other things. We never hid any purchases from each other, big or small. I guess we do have some amount of trust in our relationship (I will have to remember that more often.) __________________ "Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

08-05-2008, 01:23 PM	#27 (permalink)
Nikilidstrom Stick it in your five hole! Location: Michigan, USA	When I was young and dumb, i had a problem budgeting and keeping myself from spending frivolously, to the point where I had some serious financial issues early on. I worked through those, but now I love having her to use as a sounding board for when I'm deciding on larger purchases, and she does the same. Obviously anything small neither of us thinks twice about, but even for something bigger I know we can afford, I like to have her opinion on its usefulness. And she's great about "toys", and has actually convinced me to buy things that I wanted but never would have trusted myself to determine if it was worth buying. My dad had a stash when I was growing up, he called it his "mad money". It wasn't a secret from my mom, but nobody except my dad knew how much it was at any one time. It had to be quite a bit at times, because he would come home on occasion with a motorcycle, or a car needing restoration, and the only explanation he would give was that he bought it with his mad money.