Aerobit

i guess ill start at the very begining...about 15yrs ago in the 7th grade i met a girl and we'll just call her "E". this girl was amazing, from the day we met to the end of the school year we were inseparable. in the summer E moved to a different school district and we eventually lost contact.

well 2yrs later we were reacquainted our sophomore year. we started dating off and on all during high school only to lead to a pretty serious relationship halfway through the senior year. now things kinda get a little complicated, E's mother was an extremely controlling person that literally dictated every aspect of E's life from what kind of shoes she had to wear to who she could date. well until this time everyone had pretty much gotten along with really no problems. then something happened, one day outta the blue the same women that bought us beer from 10th grade on and taught us how to roll a perfect joint just flipped out like a tarantino flic over a clown tattoo i got when i was 15. from that day on we were forbidden to see or talk to one another...needless to say E and i continued our relationship having to hide it from her mother. now its close to graduation and E hasn't shown up to school in a week and she is no where to be found, i finally drive by her house and its for sale? graduation passes and so does about 7yrs and what happened remained a mystery.

then myspace was born, the first person i looked up was E and there she was in austin. we soon became friends again only to learn that her mother had found her diary one day after class and found out about our hidden relationship. well E's mother decided the best course of action was to confront E in the shower with a knife from the kitchen, with that and a few death threats E was on a plane to austin where her dad lived. so now that we found each other again alot has changed, E now has a beautiful 5yr old daughter with a unknown father from a rape situation at a party, she lives with a guy that is physically abusive and does all kinds of drugs with her kid in the house. so E's in a pretty bad situation and wants out. after a few months of talking to her i offer to help her out with a place to stay and anything she needed until she could get out on her own. 2 days later i was on my way to austin for the move.

so she's here and she has a good job, shes going to school everything is great. in this time i find that i am truly in love with this girl and her daughter. so we had been together for about 2yrs so i decided to ask "the question" and she said yes. this was the greatest time in my life so far. then spring break came around and E wanted us to go to SXSW in austin, for the people that don't know its like a week long concert kinda like a mini woodstock. well i couldn't go because i couldn't get away from work so she packed up with afew friends and off they went. she called every night and we talked for hours, and about Wednesday she called while being extremely blitzed and kept talking to everyone she was with, so i just told her "how about you call me later when your not so busy" and the fight was on. well that night ended and we were no longer together due to her drunken decision. well spring break ends she comes home and within a week of trying to work things out she was gone to find her own place.

well shes gone and i learn that her new place is with a mutual friend that she went to SXSW with. this fat fuck that i thought was a good friend took my place almost over night. so with the new arrangement E thought that we could still be friends anyway, well thats just not the way my mind works so i took her everything that she had ever givin me and threw it in the front yard of her new house. so she calls the next day to try and reconcile but that just wasn't an option, so i told her to have a great life with her new man...

well 6 months later which brings us to today, there hasn't been any contact between the two of us, she tried calling a few times and i just avoided it all together until last week on my birthday when i got a call from a strange number, i answer it and its E calling to wish me a happy b-day. taken completely by surprise from the call i couldn't come up with a good excuse not to go out for dinner when the offer was made. so i wont lie dinner was good and so was getting to spend time with E and her daughter.

so this leads me to my question "what would you do?" E has broken up with FF and is now in her own place. she's called me almost everyday since the day we went out to eat and keeps wanting me to come hang out, well so far i have been "busy" every time. i want to know your opinion on what i should do? i have never been in love with anyone but this girl and would be lying if i said i didn't still have feelings for her, good and bad. i'm not sure of her intentions, if she wants to be friends, try to get back together, make FF jealous, i have no idea...so to everyone that read the story, Thank You for taking the time to read my ramblings and please, i would really like to hear your thoughts.
thank you all...

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must have solidarity... unity!
The voice of action must be heard...
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We, the people, can take back our country!
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Shauk

let her apologize. Clearly she made all the mistakes here right?

Cynthetiq

shauk knows my answer is going to be "move on."

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Jinn

I'd investigate what it takes to place a restraining order and what it takes to enter a Witness Protection / Anonymity program, as you may need both to escape this woman.

She is toxic. It's well-known, well-documented and personally observed by yours truly that children of broken homes carry a great deal of their learned behaviors into adulthood. This means that should be acting just like her mother in 5-10 years. Do you really want to be with her mother?

The only cases in which I've witnessed a demonstrative change between the learned behavior of the parents and their children is when the adult child makes a determined decision to not only avoid acting as their parents did, but develop their OWN ways of dealing with situations.

She's trouble, and I can promise you that you'll only be ruining your own life by 'experiencing' anything with her.

I'd also throw in a healthy dose of counseling for you; particularly for what appears to be an unhealthy codependency. Attending a group like Alanon would likewise help - even though you didn't identify her as an alcoholic - the roles being played out here are much like those between an Alcoholic parent and their child, or an abusive spouse and the recipient.

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Esoteric

"Move on" seems to be the same damn answer for any post regarding relationship advice. If you truly think things may be able to work out, then what's the harm in talking it over? If nothing good comes from it, then I'd say move on.

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Made a date with Divinity, but she wouldn't let me fuck
I got touched by a hazy shaded, God help me change
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jewels

The romantic in me says keep an open heart. Maybe the fear her mom inflicted on her still held over somehow. But she's old enough now to be able to get beyond that.

She's had opportunities and dropped you each time..

Unless you're a glutton for punishment, get out while you still have your dignity. *hug

EDIT: It seemed like more than once, but I guess it was only the one time. But it still seems as though you were the one who came looking for her and have been there to catch her when she has no one else.

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robot_parade

She clearly has emotional and (possibly) mental health issues. If she grew up in a household where her mother's parenting style involved waving a knife at her in the shower, there's no way she got out of that without 'issues'. Maybe she's mostly dealing with those issues just fine, and is picking up the pieces, but breaking off a multi-year relationship in the way you describe makes me guess that's a 'no'. Personally, I think she needs to discuss things with a therapist, and try to work out some of these issues. Maybe she's already done so, maybe not. However, telling someone they need therapy is not exactly easy, and more often than not will result in a very bad reaction.

So. You clearly have every right to be angry with her. However, you already have a glimpse of some of the Bad Things that have made her the way she is, and obviously have a great deal of love and sympathy for this girl. Here's a tack to try.

o Decide if you want to try to make a relationship with her work. This means accepting that she isn't perfect, and understanding that she may very well hurt you this bad again. If you're not up to that, tell her so.

o Tell her you're angry with her, and why.

o Forgive her, if you can. If you can forgive her, tell her so. If you can't, then break it off now. But you have to really, really mean it.

o Remember, and make it clear to her, that forgiving her does *not* mean you're ready to go back to normal, and wait for her to kick you in the emotional balls again. Changes need to be made.

o Talk to her about what set her off. Find out if maybe she misinterpreted what you said, or something like that.

o Suggest that you two go to couples counseling. I suggest this instead of trying to get her directly into therapy for a couple of reasons:

* You've only given your side of the story (of course). You probably aren't perfect either, and couples therapy is a great place to work all sorts of things out.

* The aforementioned high probability that she will 'freak the hell out' if you suggest that she 'needs therapy' - people still have a feeling that if they need therapy, they are 'crazy'.


I think the key here is for you to decide if the positives about this girl for you outweigh the negatives. Are you prepared to allow her to hurt you again? Can you forgive her for what she's done to you? And not just out of a "I don't want to be alone" feeling that everyone gets when a relationship ends. Understand that, from what you describe, she seems to have severe emotional issues. This isn't because she's defective - although she may have actual medical mental issues. Anyone would have emotional problems after going through what she did...plus whatever other things may have happened to her that you didnt' tell us, or don't know about.

She is damaged goods, and it is *not* your responsibility, either as a lover or a friend, to fix her. The best you can do, *if* you are willing to let her hurt you again, is to provide her support so that she can make the effort she needs to to get herself back together.

Edit - I just want to make it clear that I think there's a high probability of her hurting you again just as bad as she did this time. If you try to make this work, you need to accept that possibility. The only reasons I even suggest for a moment that you might want to do that is that you clearly love her dearly, and I think her hurtful behavior clearly stems directly from her emotional/mental health problems.

Randle2I

Perhaps I just can't read but who started this fight, who tried to reconcile the mistake, and who was the person that decided she should leave? It sounds like she had a rough time growing up but then overcame that and got her life together only to have a silly mistake while being drunk screw it all up. From what I read in that she seems to deserve a second chance.

Again it sounds like you where being a douchebag to her. Your fat fuck of a friend was obviously the rebound guy (and a damn convenient one at that) and her continued contact with you shows that she has feelings for you still. You decided though that because one night she got drunk & called you it was best to just ignore her for six months.

Perhaps I'm wrong in all this and this girl is the worst thing to happen since a nuclear winter, but from what I read I see no reason why you shouldn't give her a chance again. You obviously still have feelings for you and her for you, a lifetime of potential happiness seems like a high price to pay for a drunk phone call.

TotalMILF

She sounds like a whiny bitch who will run away any time she doesn't get her way. She seems extremely emotionally unstable and I truly feel bad for her daughter. I've seen firsthand what psychotic mothers do to their poor children.

I'm with Cynthetiq - get the hell out. Fast.

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Infinite_Loser

Everyone deserves a second chance. If she fucks that up, then you can get the hell out.

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Jinn

Everyone?

Child molestors, rapists, murderers, cheaters, thieves?

There are a great many conscious decisions which do not "deserve" a second chance, and cheating happens to be one of them for many people.

The only thing people "deserve" is to be treated with respect and humanity. Everything else is earned, including second chances.

It doesn't sound like she'd done much to merit such a chance.

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inBOIL

You should GTFO.

But if you insist on getting back together with her, you should make it conditional on her going to therapy to identify and fix the issues she has. Make it clear to her that if she doesn't you won't continue a relationship with her. She will test this, so don't even attempt it unless you have the stones to stand up to her.

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And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you.

Shauk

so what did she do wrong exactly? she was drunk and got beligerant because something you said rubbed her the wrong way?

sometimes people snap. Both of you seemed like you were being too stubborn.

one was too stubborn to admit she shouldn't have snapped and the other was too stubborn to let it slide before she went and did all the "other bad things" later.

edit: nvm, you're in TX. That explains everything, this post plays out like a damned country song inspired by jerry springer.


I'll echo cyn this time.

Move on.

petre

cool, cant believe how similar this shit is with the stuff sent daily to my local newpapers section on love and crap, especially the 1st paragraph.

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Ustwo

Life is too short to spend your time trying to 'fix' the broken ones.

You can be friendly just don't think about sticking your hoohoodiddy in her chacha.

Ever.

You haven't mentioned a new gf of your own so get one so you are not tempted do hoohoo that chacha.

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Shauk

inspirational writing 101.

ObieX

I think any way you go you're gonna be in for some major heartbreak. If you check things out at least you won't be wondering "what if" for the rest of your life.

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We Must Dissent.

savmesom11

How sad of you to make such a generalization of people who come from broken homes. Now days everyone has a horror story of their oohh so bad upbringing, it's like a conversation starter at parties! Unfortunately not everyone comes from that TV family that you obviously were fortunate enough to hail from. Although it is true that some parents fuck their kids up in such a way that they are unable to ever recover, I am a firm believer that this is not always the case. Matter o fact it is proven to me daily in my work. OP: If you are determined to make a go of this, sit down with her and set clear expectations and boundaries. It seems that when she moved with you she made some pretty positive life changes which shows she is capable of living a stable life style, a woman like that shouldn’t be deemed disposable because she made a poor decision while drinking. Relationships require work, if she is worth it to you, then it is time to put in work. Good luck to you, remember there is a child involved here so the decisions you are making don’t just affect the two of you but indeed impact the development of this little girl. You two have a perfect opportunity to show this girl what a positive, healthy relationship is and encouraging her to find one when she matures. That in itself will break the so-called broken home cycle previously stated.

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Aerobit

ok, well i guess i must have givin a few of you guys the wrong idea, i am not "insisting" on getting back together with E. im not even sure that i would consider it..

E started the fight when i politely asked her to call me back when she wasn't so busy, the fight consisted of her hammering me about every little problem we had ever had. so she made the comment that maybe we just weren't meant to be together, i replied with "so your willing to trow away everything we have over some stupid little fight." and she said that she thought it would be best if we were to put our relationship on hold for a while..we got off the phone and 10 min later i couldn't stand it so i tried calling her afew times and finally just gave up when no one answered. the next day i called and tried talking to her but she had firmly made up her mind about putting everything on hold, and even with all the problems going on she sure had alot of nice things to say about FF. this brought up alot of suspicion about the fight that she had started and why, after a phone call to another friend that went along on the trip i was informed that E and FF had slept in the same room the night of the fight and that there was alot of childish flirting going on between the two the rest of the trip. so i have no reason not to think that the reason the fight took place was so she wouldn't feel guilty about messing around with FF during SXSW.

i sure don't know what i did to make myself look like a douchebag? i thought that i handled my girl fucking one my friends pretty well. i could have done alot worst than just throwing a few items in a front yard, might i ask how you think you would have handled the situation differently. do you seriously think that you could "just be friends" with a girl that was once everything to you, especially when shes shacked up with your so called buddy? at least to me this seems impossible.

thank you all again for taking the time to help

__________________
"We, the people,
must have solidarity... unity!
The voice of action must be heard...
by the people, for the people, from the people.
We, the people, can take back our country!
We can win!"
- Pastor Neomueller

MSD

You're emotionally immature and possibly codependent, she has borderline personality disorder.

Aerobit

you care to elaborate a bit?

__________________
"We, the people,
must have solidarity... unity!
The voice of action must be heard...
by the people, for the people, from the people.
We, the people, can take back our country!
We can win!"
- Pastor Neomueller

surferlove007

I think it's time to move on. She's obviously got some issues. The reason I think she keeps trying to win you back is because you have your head screwed on right and some things going for you. She sees this and knows her odds of doing better are probably slim to none with a kid attached. You're better off leaving her in the past I think. I don't think you were a douche bag in the way you handled her cheating on you. You returned her things in a less than tasteful manner but at least you returned them. I don't think she deserves a second chance, she's an adult she should know better especially since shes a parent. She should be thinking about setting an example for her kid. You don't need her, too much baggage and trust issues. Mental illness does not need to be passed on in the gene pool.

By the way, what part of Lubbock? I recently moved to College Station from TTU.

What a generalization. Not everything is a country song...come on folks. Not all of us ride horses and wear the big hats, just a few.

Shauk

I've lived in texas before, I escaped

JimmyTheHutt

Don't bother with her. Like all people, she is looking to use you as a utility.

Don't be her fucking safety net.

Veritas et Lux!
Jimmy The Hutt

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Aerobit

close to tech terrace park, do you like college station better?

__________________
"We, the people,
must have solidarity... unity!
The voice of action must be heard...
by the people, for the people, from the people.
We, the people, can take back our country!
We can win!"
- Pastor Neomueller

MSD

On your side, I see you going back to someone who has fucked you over and what I would say is bordering on mildly obsessive behavior over the relationship. You got mad enough to pack up her stuff, drive it to her new place, and throw it on her lawn after she ditched you for a friend after a drunken argument, yet 6 months later you can't think of an excuse to say no to dinner with her.

For her, I can see the possibility of the following BPD criteria from what you wrote
2: a pattern of intense and unstable relationships
3: damaging, impulsive behaviors (quickly picking up and dropping relationships; I assume drugs or heavy drinking were involved when she was raped if she doesn't know who the father of the child is, it sounds like she probably used drugs during the abusive relationship, and if she got drunk enough to get in a relationship-ending argument over the phone, I'm guessing she probably drinks heavily,)
1: jumping from one relationship to another in a way that could easily fall under "efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment," especially given her family life with her parents,

and I'm going to guess based on what you wrote, although you didn't come out and say it, that
3: identity disturbance ... unstable self-image applies because she was in a long abusive relationship,
and
7: chronic feelings of emptiness or worthlessness,
or maybe 6: affective instability due to marked reactivity of mood
are strong possibilities.

Ustwo

If you are going to quote me in the sig, properly quote boy.

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Dtamr

I'd drop her like a hot rock. MSD has the right idea.

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guthmund

From the mouths of Hutts...

Occasionally being involved in "the crazy" is forgivable, but c'mon...there seems to be quite a pattern of "the crazy" in this girl's past. Do you have any reason to believe that's going to change?

I'd say it's alright to be friendly, but never let it be more than that lest you be sucked down into the great vortex of insanity that she seems to be stuck in. Remember, fool me once; shame on you. Fool me twice....don't mess with Texas.

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MSD

If it gets to the point that someone thinks it's a good idea to ask the Internet for relationship advice, it's time to end it.

ratbastid

Wait, what?

She called, was drunk, was talking the way people talk when they're drunk. You got irritated and snapped at her. She got drunkenly pissed off about you snapping at her.... And in the morning you were broken up? And that was HER fault? According to your story you're at least 25 years old. Doesn't this strike you as just a BIT "junior high"?

You need to decide if you're going to behave maturely enough to have a girlfriend. If you decide you are, then you need to forgive her--and I MEAN forgive her. Real forgiveness in this case means giving up the right to EVER hold this against her EVER in the future, and not needing her to do ANYTHING as a condition of your forgiveness. If you're not willing or ready to do that, then you're not ready to be in a relationship and you should just let her know that so she can quit trying to make it work with you.

Hain

The OP says she started fighting because he asked her to call her back later since she is blitzed and talking with everyone else. Fuck, I'd ask the same thing. And if a fight did break out, I wouldn't think much of it. However if my girl decides that there is a major issue, an issue conjured up with the mystical potion of booze, then even I'd have a problem. I'd apologize for upsetting her that night, but I would try to make her say that it wasn't a big deal and it was silly, "I was drunk after all."

Pretending it was me:

She has issues to begin with. She was drunk. I was tired. I wasn't really in the conversation. I ask to hang up. She gets pissed. She stays pissed till she gets home. She blames me. I'd apologize and reason with her why there isn't a big deal. She continues. I'll get angry and tell her to go fornicate with herself and not think twice till she realizes there wasn't a big deal. At this point, her making such a huge shit fit over something insignificant would stand out to me.

I wouldn't throw her shit on the lawn, however.

I don't make mountains out of mole hills. But when I am wrong or I am out of line, I do apologize. I, however, do not back down from crap, even if it costs me a relationship.


While true... I don't know how applicable it is to this situation. Aerobit is attached and probably a little blinded, but hopefully he can mature from this experience.

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pig

hmmm...based on what's been posted, I have to disagree with ratbastid for the first time. The behavior you describe on her part would be unacceptable to me, and I'd definitely have cut contact with her if she went off to spring break (where was her kid during this?), and fucked some other guy. Fat or skinny. Friend or foe. She gets back from "Spring Break," and dates the guy she fucked on her escape trip? Fuck that.

Now, as to what I'd do in your situation? If I cared about her and accepted that she was a fucking wreck in some ways, I'd forgive her and accept her as she is. I don't know that I'd be willing to get back in a relationship with her, but I'd probably be her friend. Being someone's friend, to me, implies accepting them if they are a fuckup sometimes. I can accept my girlfriend being a fuckup sometimes, but there are certain lines that can't be crossed. This chick crossed one of them. If you're going to ever have a relationship with this girl, trust has to be re-established. You can't just magically grant trust to someone. It's earned. So you can begin that process, and I see nothing to really lose...but I wouldn't start fucking her...or if I did, I'd put it in my mind that I was only fucking her (with a jimmy on) and that it didn't mean anything more. I wouldn't pretend that it did to her, and I'd tell her that I have serious issues with trusting her, for obvious reasons.

Mostly, from what you post, this girl needs to do some serious thinking about her lifestyle and what she's passing on to her kid. But it sounds like she need a good old-fashioned "Come to Jesus" moment...and you can't control the timing of those. Until that happens, you're taking a high-risk gamble if you date her. However, there's no point in hating someone for being who they are. If I cared for her as much as you seem to...and I have female friends like this...I'd forgive her and accept her and be her friend...I don't know that I could trust her enough to be in a relationship.

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