Dammitall

Hi all... first time poster (aside from the first-timer introduction). I'm curious to know what people think: do secrets belong in committed relationships, or is full-disclosure always preferred?

World's King

Telling the truth is always good.


But there are some things in my past that will stay in my past. It's not that I lie about them. I just don't bring them up. And if I'm asked... then I lie.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Plan9

The real question is what are you afraid of telling your partner and why?

So often the things we hide are petty things we fear will cause paper cuts; we try to prevent annoyances through glossing over our minimal concerns.

We store them up until they gut us like a meat hook.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

World's King

I've done some pretty stupid things and people in my day.

And it's not that I'm afraid or embarrassed about any of it. It's just that my girlfriend doesn't need to know about that time I got a blow job in a bar bathroom from a girl I had known for all of 6 minutes then never talked to again. Or that night I was out with friends, got really drunk, got in a fight, and put two guys in the hospital after beating them with bats.


Then there's all the bad shit I've done...

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

ratbastid

King's example not withstanding, the saying goes "You're only as sick as your secrets."

snowy

I look at it this way--if it comes up, we talk about it. And I don't lie about my past. However, my significant other definitely has the attitude that the past is past.

Chances are, your partner has some secrets too. We all do. And we do need someone to tell them to.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Ustwo

If you were a girl who used to do gang bangs with your 3 male roommates in college, I'd refrain from mentioning that to a new boyfriend unless you found out he was ok with that sort of thing.

There are secrets and there are things you don't really do any good by sharing. Like when someone cheated on their spouse years ago and then confesses out of guilt. Its a selfish act to make them feel better, not their spouse.

Now if said secret is something you think will be important in the relationship later, then fess up.

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Willravel

General full disclosure, run through a filter of empathy.

little_tippler

would be good if you could give us your opinion on the subject also?

Through my own experience, there are certain things that are best kept to yourself. You can always partially disclose them, but if you disclose fully, you run the risk of it coming back to bite you at a later date, if you break-up, or are having an argument, or things aren't going well. People can be quite cruel when they're angry - don't give them fuel is what I say. If ti's not going to improve your relationship or isn't relevant, why expose yourself that way?

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Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

jewels

For me, no secrets. There is always a time and a place but if you can't begin a relationship with total honesty (both parties, not just one!), it's not a good foundation.

I think it's a given that couples get to know one another over time, so any "secrets" should be disclosed at an appropriate time in the getting-to-know-you process.

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

analog

I'm an open book, but there's a difference between "lying" and "better left unsaid". Not everything from everyone's past is fair game. If you demand full disclosure, then you are looking for a person with a perfect past, or absolutely no shame.

ItWasMe

I am usually a reserved, private person. Go figure out that one! But I am open with my immediate family. However, if something comes up from long ago that I feel like discussing, I will. If I don't, I won't.

I am not going to go digging through a skeleton closet searching for a missed bone for someone to beat me with. If you want to know who I am, look at what I say and do now, not a decade ago.

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"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

jewels

I do agree, there are certain things that may be irrelevant and don't need to be mentioned. But when I say full disclosure, it's never demanded or even requested. Heck, it's fun to continue to discover new things about one another years into a relationship. I see it as sharing, nothing more or less.

And why would one assume that wanting to truly know someone would mean they want a person with a perfect past?

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

analog

Because anyone demanding "full disclosure" is looking to judge the other person. If you weren't looking to judge their past, you wouldn't be asking. If you were happy with who they are now, you wouldn't go digging.

Plan9

Thank you.

We are what we do. Not who we were.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

jewels

And what we do is based on how we got to this point, based on past events.

As I stated in my previous post, I'm not talking about demanding or even asking for anything. I'm not sure I got the super-sensitivity on this issue either. Disclosure doesn't mean confession, admission or losing oneself. It's not defining one by their past. It's about wanting to share who you are, where you've been and who you are.

It helps me to understand him and why some of his behaviors are odd and helps him to understand why I'm the way I am. If anything, it will bond you.

"Take me for who I am, my past means nothing" ... what's that mean anyway? Sounds like you chose an item off the shelf based on reading the pretty label.

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

Plan9

With my Tony Robbins'-style self-motivation system... I sometimes feel that it would be best if we envision that people exist only in the present tense, and that where we are right now and our next step are the only things that matter.

This kinda debate reminds me of Memento. What if we had no past?

I may be a product of my past, but it doesn't own me or "make me now."

Every morning we wake up with a chance at a blank slate with ourselves.

That crazy concept of "Prime Self" I babble about. I am what I do.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

1010011010

If someone asks you a specific question, answer honestly and fully. I wouldn't go out of your way volunteering information about that time in Bangladesh where you snorted cocaine out of a transsexual hooker's ass crack... but if you're asked if you've ever done drugs, say "Yes."

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Simple Machines in Higher Dimensions

ametc

I like being an open book to the world. But, some things I'd rather keep a mystery.

In a relationship, I think both partners should be as open as possible, while still keeping some things to themselves just to keep the mystery alive.

jewels

I agree with you in principle, it'd be great if it were that way. But that's simply not the way things are. If only we could begin a relationship and never allude to the past. Start anew as if time hadn't passed. Disregard our parents, our education and our upbringing. Very interesting.

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We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

cyklone

Still World's King for this advice in my book.

Plan9

Yes, yes... sadly we are creatures defined by yesterday, last month, last year... it's how life progresses. A moving action within moving time equals life.

Doesn't have to be how we see ourselves and others, though.

Lame example:

To me... at this board... you are what you write and how you write it. You aren't your education, your parents, the last weirdo you banged, the car you drive that needs to be vacuumed, or the mismatched socks you wear.

Everybody starts out like that. I try to hold onto that... that feeling.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

inBOIL

There are some things that I will never tell anyone; they're just too private. I expect that anyone I'm in a relationship with will also have secrets that won't be shared with me. But if it's something that affects the relationship, you have to decide what's more important, your secret or the relationship.

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And you believe Bush and the liberals and divorced parents and gays and blacks and the Christian right and fossil fuels and Xbox are all to blame, meanwhile you yourselves create an ad where your kid hits you in the head with a baseball and you don't understand the message that the problem is you.

surferlove007

I think being honest about everything is good when and if it's brought up. Although some things from your past you may not want to discuss because they aren't relevant. But if your SO asks I think you should answer honestly. At least...that's what James and I have always done. It works quite well...even when the answers aren't always so pleasing at times.

genuinegirly

Full disclosure only makes sense. unless you're really a mouse in a pidgin suit in a man's skin...

That didn't quite come off the way I wanted. i think i'm tired.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

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Hain

I have always had an open book policy to my past, my SO's can ask anything and I will answer everything honestly.

The only exception is when my SO asks for names of old SO's, flings, etc. Things I have done in my past are private between them and me. I will talk about what I have done, just not who it was... does that make sense? It is like handing out your friend's phone number to someone you know they did not give, or want you to give, it to.

If my current SO has a problem with that, then they need to work with me now, not battle my past. I am willing to discuss my past and who was in it... but I am only half of the party in question, shouldn't the other person have a say as to what we've done privately? Don't confuse this as still wanting to be with them, it is respecting that what we were/did was private between us and should stay so. As far as I have experienced, every SO that has had a problem with me with-holding names from them, have always objected to me mentioning them in my next relationship. Why? "It is our private life."

Call me strange but that is just me.

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abaya

I do not demand full disclosure; I practice it. And so does my husband. So no demands need to be made, since we already offer our secrets willingly and in trust of the other person to not judge us. Seems to work for us.

From the very first week we got together, we started telling each other everything about our pasts and present. It was one of the building blocks of intimacy and trust between us, and it continues to this day. It is just our Standard Operating Procedure, and we like it that way.

We are not ashamed to say or confess anything to each other... why should we be?

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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

ItWasMe

My husband and I became friends 30 years ago, at age 12. So as for my "past," he was pretty much there for it. If there are any secrets during those first 12 years, I've forgotten them. Still, I want to be known for who I am now, and to know people for who they are now. If someone wants to share details, great. If not, I respect that privacy.

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"Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez

I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

Seer666

The world couldn't live under the strain of full disclosure. Just tell your friends what you really think about their kids if you don't believe it.

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Bad spellers of the world untie!!!

I am the one you warned me of

I seem to have misplaced the bullet with your name on it, but I have a whole box addressed to occupant.

xepherys

I'm with the general crowd here... open and honest is great, but dredging for bad stuff to just spring on your SO in the spirit of disclosure is bad. I recently brought up to my wife a person I had slept with quite some time ago. I'm not even sure anymore what brought the discussion up. I'm certainly not proud of it (she knows the person) and she took it very well (she was sad for me I think).

Realistically, I don't think there is anything that could come up about her past that would change how I feel about her and I believe that it works the other way, too. We've all done bad things now and then. Some things ARE better left unsaid. My wife, for example was (is) a band geek. The whole American Pie band camp thing... stuff like that really does happen. If she and some random dude had a sexual romp with her, him and his trumpet, it wouldn't make me feel any different about her. But I'm pretty sure I'd rather not hear a graphical depiction of it. Though she admits that "things happened" at said camps and outings, I think she's probably not told me the whole story. Maybe it's for the best. It couldn't HURT things, but why bring it up? LOL

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Plan9

Yeah, the infamous "Wow, so who else has fucked you in the ass, huh?!" sexually-jealous-ownage monster comes out like a drunken Lil John ("WHAT?! OKAY!") in couples like-whoa crazy when people start dropping Penthouse Letters-details like, uh, measurements and positions and comparative language and who heroically swallowed that copious amount of ropey, high-velocity, pearly man-essence in a single epic gurgle.

Okay, I'll stop.

Hell, sometimes I feel bad using first names because it makes it more personal, like it matters now somehow. I prefer pronouns for things I did in the past with people I'll never see again (99% majority of the women I've dated). I take singular responsibility for whatever, making any shared life experiences simply something that I have done. "I did this, I did that, I know this, I know that." I avoid "we" and "us" language, I think maybe repeated use gives the wrong impression when talking about past relationships to a current partner, especially since I'll never see those people ever again.

Awh, maybe I'm full of shit. A healthy chunk of my relationships have been long-term commitments where previous-relationship things have come up one way or another and it seemed like CIA bamboo-fingernail torture whenever either I or my partner personalized something from the past with TMI.

Yes, there's a difference between healthy honesty and and complete openness.

I don't mind talking to my partners about my past or their past, but I definitely leave out the TMI unless it is somehow way-helpful to the conversation or they really, really gotta know. I'd like to think that they would understand and do the same thing, but that isn't always the case. I'm not a jealous man by nature but I do have a real tack in my ass about... uh... "severe fidelity issues" thanks to my nearly-killed-me previous life experience and that isn't something I ever want to deal with again. Whew, I can't stand the pain. I want a durable relationship where I can drop the anchor AND take my hand off the chain. Sure, the boat sways in some storms... but the anchor doesn't budge.

Rules of life: Be honest but don't twist the knife.

...

That and don't whiz on the electric fence.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

xepherys

Well, i don't know that that is universally true. The Penthouse Letter style details can even make for some excitement here and there. It's the COMPARATIVE aspects that get a lot of people crazy. I suppose my above example was bad. If she said she got boned by a guy and his trumpet, I wouldn't mind. If she said she got boned by a guy and his trumpet and it was the hottest thing she ever felt... I'd maybe be a bit bummed.

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The prospect of achieving a peace agreement with the extremist group of MILF is almost impossible...
-- Emmanuel Pinol, Governor of Cotobato

My Homepage

Plan9

Shit, you're deployed... anything'll turn you on!

Don't say it isn't true!

I know it is!

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

ticket

I have to agree with this....and also from my own personal experience.
There is a big difference between answering a question and offering up TMI.

I don't need to lie to anyone about anything, but I don't bring up too much of the past without a reason.

It also depends on the depth of the relationship.

xepherys

yeah, so?

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The prospect of achieving a peace agreement with the extremist group of MILF is almost impossible...
-- Emmanuel Pinol, Governor of Cotobato

My Homepage

Plan9

So I got these really hot pictures of me dancing topless in the middle of eastern A-stan with a piece of camo net as hair.

Ya know... if you get lonely.

__________________
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Shaindra

<--- VERY lonely. ;-)

PonyPotato

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— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Dammitall

Truth is that I don't think my partner would ever be the person I tell *all* of my secrets to, and that's okay by me. It's a problem if it isn't with him/her, but I don't think that's ever going to change (for me).

It's always been most difficult for me to be completely honest with the people I care about the most (and those who care the most about me); as bad as I've always felt about this, I'm finding it's not as uncommon as I used to think.

Overall impressions of what's been written so far... it's interesting to me that many of the responses focus on disclosing information from the past. When I thought of the question I guess I'd been thinking about fully disclosing the "present," if that makes sense.

Example: if I go through my day with a head full of mental meanderings, does my partner consider it "hiding something" if I don't open up and talk about it all? "Yes" if it has something to do with our relationship; "no" if it doesn't.

I agree with this. Is it unhealthy for the relationship if I prefer to keep such things to myself, relationship-related or not? It can probably work for some partners and not for others.

xepherys

Well, I HAVE been gone a year now... It's getting pretty bad...

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-- Emmanuel Pinol, Governor of Cotobato

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