secrets or full disclosure? - Page 2 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

levite · 02-02-2008, 01:10 PM

I believe in full disclosure, but it's got to be apropos. Like, don't just look up from your newspaper some morning while your honey's eating her cereal and be like, "so did I ever tell you that when I was at camp one summer my whole cabin had a circle-jerk?"

Also, I while I tell my GFs anything they ask, and don't hide anything from them, I respect it if someone's different. My only rule is, "you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, just don't ever lie to me." One of my friends in high school had the misfortune of asking his girl if she'd ever gone down on other guys. Rather than just saying she didn't feel comfortable answering that question, she told him no. He found out a couple of months later that she'd lied by virtue of an acquaintance casually letting drop that she had once, at a post-game party, gone down on the entire playing lineup of the basketball team, in succession, complete with teabaggings and a couple of round-the-worlds, in front of the entire team, the cheerleaders, and most of the rest of the pep squad. I've never been lied to quite that dramatically, but it's still a dealbreaker with me.

Hain · 02-02-2008, 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by levite

I believe in full disclosure, but it's got to be apropos. Like, don't just look up from your newspaper some morning while your honey's eating her cereal and be like, "so did I ever tell you that when I was at camp one summer my whole cabin had a circle-jerk?"

Are you kidding? That is essential, like cup of tea/coffee. A good laugh wakes me up!

//never been in a circle jerk-- don't plan on it either//

Quote:

Also, I while I tell my GFs anything they ask, and don't hide anything from them, I respect it if someone's different. My only rule is, "you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, just don't ever lie to me."

Agreed. I still wish they could tell me any questions I have, I don't need names, nor will I guess who it was with in her past, but I never want to be lied to. As I've stated earlier, she has full access to my past, except names.

Quote:

One of my friends in high school had the misfortune of asking his girl if she'd ever gone down on other guys. Rather than just saying she didn't feel comfortable answering that question, she told him no. He found out a couple of months later that she'd lied by virtue of an acquaintance casually letting drop that she had once, at a post-game party, gone down on the entire playing lineup of the basketball team, in succession, complete with teabaggings and a couple of round-the-worlds, in front of the entire team, the cheerleaders, and most of the rest of the pep squad. I've never been lied to quite that dramatically, but it's still a dealbreaker with me.

I am impressed. I don't believe it, but wow, I am entertaining that notion and the shock someone would receive.

fatmanforprez · 02-04-2008, 10:26 PM

I must fit in the no shame category. i tell my friends, SOs, and anyone who will listen anything they want to know. And I don't lie, there is one person I have reserved the right to lie to (my mother), however I resist even that. I know it sounds petty but no one can look in my soul the way she can.

Lying however is a problem, I don't tolerate it in relationships and I get really upset over it with friends.

It is true I have had a pretty tame past, at least for the most part, but I don't see the benefit of denying my past self. It is "yes, I earned my red wings, and I realized it before she did" and "yes, I accidentally lit a pile of black powder with my thumb in it once". If my GF at the time of that first story didn't spread the story herself i would not admit names, as is she don't care. I'm sure my friends who were there are embarrassed for me in the second but I am the one with the burns, so tuff shit.

The only thing i don't share is something someone else has told to me under confidentiality, and then I don't lie, I just tell the querier that I can't disclose that.

As far as relationships go I announce this fact long before there is a relationship, so it doesn't surprise them. I appreciate reciprocity in this, but I never demand or even request it. I have had Gfs who did not believe in being open completely, or at all, and I currently have a GF who does have the same open policy as I do. Looking back at my relationships I can truthfully say that it helps.

That said I had a GF who knew of TFP, and joined when we broke up (there is some question of timing there). That was ugly, really ugly. I still apologize for that. I actually quit TFP for a 18 months or so over it. I was so freaked out that I would run into her on her that this place wasn't safe anymore.

Looking back at it, it looks like I guess I still do have 1 sort of secret, it really hurt me for some reason to have her see my plea for help to you guys, or to see hers. Now I feel childish about it. In fact I think I just hit a crisis, do I mention TFP to my current GF? It had honestly never come up before now and I think that I am in trouble. I will let you all know what is decided, assuming you care, I would love to be a board couple like those I see on TFP, I think the surprise was the problem.

I consider this place kind of like my version of a journal, the mixture of anonymity and disclosure makes this place feel safe. That probably explains my huge rants that never seem to elicit response.

savmesom11 · 02-07-2008, 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jewels443

For me, no secrets. There is always a time and a place but if you can't begin a relationship with total honesty (both parties, not just one!), it's not a good foundation.

I think it's a given that couples get to know one another over time, so any "secrets" should be disclosed at an appropriate time in the getting-to-know-you process.

100% agree

doncalypso · 02-18-2008, 07:31 AM

Some things must be disclosed if there is any possibility of marriage in the couple's future. These things include (but are not limited to) children from past relationships, bad debt and bad credit, bankcruptcy, STDs, past abortions, criminal record, etc.

People have a right to know about their partner before committing to marriage. And you cannot make an informed decision if such issues as listed above are kept secret.

secretgem · 02-18-2008, 05:22 PM

I feel that if you want a strong, lasting relationship it would be full disclosure .

Honesty is one of the key elements that a relationship's foundation is built on. No sense in building on a foundation that is less then solid if you want it to last.

If you feel you can't give full disclosure then maybe you need to evaluate the reasons you don’t feel you can give full disclosure and really think about where you want the relationship to go.

02-02-2008, 01:10 PM	#41 (permalink)
levite Minion of Joss Location: The Windy City	I believe in full disclosure, but it's got to be apropos. Like, don't just look up from your newspaper some morning while your honey's eating her cereal and be like, "so did I ever tell you that when I was at camp one summer my whole cabin had a circle-jerk?" Also, I while I tell my GFs anything they ask, and don't hide anything from them, I respect it if someone's different. My only rule is, "you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, just don't ever lie to me." One of my friends in high school had the misfortune of asking his girl if she'd ever gone down on other guys. Rather than just saying she didn't feel comfortable answering that question, she told him no. He found out a couple of months later that she'd lied by virtue of an acquaintance casually letting drop that she had once, at a post-game party, gone down on the entire playing lineup of the basketball team, in succession, complete with teabaggings and a couple of round-the-worlds, in front of the entire team, the cheerleaders, and most of the rest of the pep squad. I've never been lied to quite that dramatically, but it's still a dealbreaker with me. __________________ Dull sublunary lovers love, Whose soul is sense, cannot admit Absence, because it doth remove That thing which elemented it. (From "A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" by John Donne)

02-18-2008, 07:31 AM	#45 (permalink)
doncalypso TFP Mad Scientist Location: Philadelphia, PA	Some things must be disclosed if there is any possibility of marriage in the couple's future. These things include (but are not limited to) children from past relationships, bad debt and bad credit, bankcruptcy, STDs, past abortions, criminal record, etc. People have a right to know about their partner before committing to marriage. And you cannot make an informed decision if such issues as listed above are kept secret. __________________ Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

02-18-2008, 05:22 PM	#46 (permalink)
secretgem Upright Location: Nunya	I feel that if you want a strong, lasting relationship it would be full disclosure . Honesty is one of the key elements that a relationship's foundation is built on. No sense in building on a foundation that is less then solid if you want it to last. If you feel you can't give full disclosure then maybe you need to evaluate the reasons you don’t feel you can give full disclosure and really think about where you want the relationship to go. __________________

02-04-2008, 10:26 PM	#43 (permalink)
fatmanforprez Tilted	I must fit in the no shame category. i tell my friends, SOs, and anyone who will listen anything they want to know. And I don't lie, there is one person I have reserved the right to lie to (my mother), however I resist even that. I know it sounds petty but no one can look in my soul the way she can. Lying however is a problem, I don't tolerate it in relationships and I get really upset over it with friends. It is true I have had a pretty tame past, at least for the most part, but I don't see the benefit of denying my past self. It is "yes, I earned my red wings, and I realized it before she did" and "yes, I accidentally lit a pile of black powder with my thumb in it once". If my GF at the time of that first story didn't spread the story herself i would not admit names, as is she don't care. I'm sure my friends who were there are embarrassed for me in the second but I am the one with the burns, so tuff shit. The only thing i don't share is something someone else has told to me under confidentiality, and then I don't lie, I just tell the querier that I can't disclose that. As far as relationships go I announce this fact long before there is a relationship, so it doesn't surprise them. I appreciate reciprocity in this, but I never demand or even request it. I have had Gfs who did not believe in being open completely, or at all, and I currently have a GF who does have the same open policy as I do. Looking back at my relationships I can truthfully say that it helps. That said I had a GF who knew of TFP, and joined when we broke up (there is some question of timing there). That was ugly, really ugly. I still apologize for that. I actually quit TFP for a 18 months or so over it. I was so freaked out that I would run into her on her that this place wasn't safe anymore. Looking back at it, it looks like I guess I still do have 1 sort of secret, it really hurt me for some reason to have her see my plea for help to you guys, or to see hers. Now I feel childish about it. In fact I think I just hit a crisis, do I mention TFP to my current GF? It had honestly never come up before now and I think that I am in trouble. I will let you all know what is decided, assuming you care, I would love to be a board couple like those I see on TFP, I think the surprise was the problem. I consider this place kind of like my version of a journal, the mixture of anonymity and disclosure makes this place feel safe. That probably explains my huge rants that never seem to elicit response.