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Originally Posted by xepherys
Realistically, I don't think there is anything that could come up about her past that would change how I feel about her and I believe that it works the other way, too. We've all done bad things now and then. Some things ARE better left unsaid. My wife, for example was (is) a band geek. The whole American Pie band camp thing... stuff like that really does happen. If she and some random dude had a sexual romp with her, him and his trumpet, it wouldn't make me feel any different about her. But I'm pretty sure I'd rather not hear a graphical depiction of it. Though she admits that "things happened" at said camps and outings, I think she's probably not told me the whole story. Maybe it's for the best. It couldn't HURT things, but why bring it up? LOL
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Yeah, the infamous
"Wow, so who else has fucked you in the ass, huh?!" sexually-jealous-ownage monster comes out like a drunken Lil John ("WHAT?! OKAY!") in couples like-whoa crazy when people start dropping
Penthouse Letters-details like, uh, measurements and positions and comparative language and who heroically swallowed that copious amount of ropey, high-velocity, pearly man-essence in a single epic gurgle.
Okay, I'll stop.
Hell, sometimes I feel bad using first names because it makes it more personal, like it matters now somehow. I prefer pronouns for things I did in the past with people I'll never see again (99% majority of the women I've dated). I take singular responsibility for whatever, making any shared life experiences simply something that I have done. "I did this, I did that, I know this, I know that." I avoid "we" and "us" language, I think maybe repeated use gives the wrong impression when talking about past relationships to a current partner, especially since I'll never see those people ever again.
Awh, maybe I'm full of shit. A healthy chunk of my relationships have been long-term commitments where previous-relationship things have come up one way or another and it seemed like CIA bamboo-fingernail torture whenever either I or my partner personalized something from the past with TMI.
Yes, there's a difference between healthy honesty and and complete openness.
I don't mind talking to my partners about my past or their past, but I definitely leave out the TMI unless it is somehow way-helpful to the conversation or they really, really gotta know. I'd like to think that they would understand and do the same thing, but that isn't always the case. I'm not a jealous man by nature but I do have a real tack in my ass about... uh... "severe fidelity issues" thanks to my nearly-killed-me previous life experience and that isn't something I ever want to deal with again. Whew, I can't stand the pain. I want a durable relationship where I can drop the anchor AND take my hand off the chain. Sure, the boat sways in some storms... but the anchor doesn't budge.
Rules of life: Be honest but don't twist the knife.
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That and don't whiz on the electric fence.