Best friends casually sleeping together...wierd or not?

[sphynx]

Hey guys, I'm new to this forum, but I've been reading up on some of the threads on this site and it seems a lot of you have some pretty sound advice. Sooo..heres the dealio...its rather complicated ...so I'll just start with the basics. Basically, I live with a roomate whos a chick, ima guy, and we've been best friends since middle school. I've kinda gotten used to the fact that guys will hit on her and the like, she pretty hot, but the other day one of our mutual best friends (this kid we've both known also since middle school...we're currently all juniors in college..just a side note) came over and slept with her. Now I don't know if its just jealousy on my part because she's never done that with me before or what, but hes been commin over and sleeping in her bed for three days now. Its kinda wierding me out, especially since neither of them are telling me anything about, not that they really have to, but you'd think if two of your best friends were doing something like that they'd tell you. On a side note, both me and the dude she is sleeping with have had crushes on her in the past, mine was more in the recent past...but I dunno, I guess I'm just feeling wierd that all this is happening..and that they're being so sneaky about it...anyone been in a similar situation? Me and her used to be really close, and we've had kind of a falling out after i told her how I felt about her....maybe shes just seeking the same intimacy we used to have in another close friend? Its soo f'ed up ..egh

[Martian]

Why do you care?

You poured your heart out to her, she shot you down. Tough break, kid, but sometimes it happens that way. And now it looks like she's decided she wants to get all wet and wild with this other guy... well, that's an even tougher break. If, however, you want to go back to having a friendship with her, you have to get it out of your head that it's any business of yours who she does or does not fuck. You're all adults and can make your own choices now.

Seriously. You say your friendship with her has deteriorated; well, if you're acting all messed up about her sleeping with otherguy, that's what's going to happen. If you stop caring (and consequently act like you don't care) you may be able to go back to being friends. Or maybe not. The shitty thing about taking the chance is that it can mess up the friendship, if there was one. So that might be gone, in which case it's time to start looking for new digs.

[sphynx]

The other wierd thing, is like....I don't know if i'm insulting my own intelligence by saying this, but I don't think shes actually having sex with my other friend...not that theres really any way to know for sure, but like, the second day they did it, I went in her room in the morning to ask her something...I didn't know her was there..and she's usually up that early in the morning, and he was there cuddling with her...they were both fully clothed. So the thing is I don't know if I'm just overreacting by assuming that they're actually having sex, just because they're sleeping in the same bed....I guess there really is no way to know in the end. What do you think are the odds that they are? I mean shes leaving for Rome next semester...thats in less than two months...and shes said before that shes no currently seeking a relationship for that exact reason...her last boyfriend kind of dumped her last summer because she went on an internship in DC for like 2 months... Anyways....yeah I don't know what to think...logically i know i should let the situation go...but its kinda hard when you hit by the double whammy of basically your best friend chose your other best friend over you...whether its just for close intimacy...or actual sex....who knows....

I know I shouldn't worry about it, but i'll admit it makes me kind of jealous to think that not only is she with another dude...but shes with my other best friend...of all people. Granted they both used to be kind of all over each other senior year in highschool...but still ....they never actually dated. The other thing that I can't understand is why shes doing this to begin with, shes said before that she doesn't want a relationship because shes going abroad to rome next semester....she had a bad experience with her previous boyfriend dumping her after she went on an internship to dc for two months last summer. I don't know if i'm insulting my own intelligence....but I still kind of refuse to believe that they're having sex, even though they've slept in the same bed for like three nights...this happened within the last week. I also kind of walked in her room the second night he was there, I didn't know he way there at the time though, i had gone to ask her something because she's usually awake that early in the morning. Instead i find them spooning with him...arm around her....but they were both fully clothed... I'll admit, I'm just really trying to figure out whats going on between the two of them...even though i know the mature thing to do is to drop the entire thing and not worry about it. I guess my own emotions about what I used to and still sort of feel for her are clouding my judgement? Right now I guess i'm sure trying to understand the situation..and why they're being so sneaky about it around me.

the previous was kind of a double post on my part...still getting used to the forum...sorry :P

[Martian]

Stop. Just stop.

It's none of your business. Are they fucking? Aren't they? It doesn't matter. You're not sleeping with her. You're not going to be sleeping with her at any point in the near future. Therefore, it's none of your business whatsoever who she does or does not have sex with. Maybe it's just a cuddle buddy type of thing, or maybe it's purely physical or maybe it's something more. If you want to be friends with this girl again (I'm personally not convinced you do, but for the sake of argument) you have to just. Stop. Caring. They're both adults and are entitled to make these decisions for themselves, regardless of what you think. They're also entitled to their privacy.

Be honest now; when you walked in there, you knew (or at least suspected) that he was in there with her. That wasn't some innocent question. You wanted to know what's up. That's how it reads to me, and if I'm right then I'm not sure there's much more I can say on the subject. If you really think it's that important to know then just ask them, but be prepared if you do. If my roommate (when I had one) started prying into my sex life, I'd probably tell them to mind their own damn business.

[sphynx]

I think you're right, I think I'm just having a very hard time letting it go. I really have to man up about this, its like this is what I'm feeling about the situation..but I know consciously what i should do is the total opposite of what i'm doing. Don't get me wrong, it did make me feel bad that i felt the need to go in there, but imagine yourself living with one of your ex's or something of the like, finding out she's possibly sleeping with another dude..in the room right next to yours...how would you react?

[Plan9]

Implied task: Don't keep slamming your nuts in a car door over something that exists only in your mind.

[Martian]

If I were rich, I'd pay Crompsin to follow me around all day and sum up everything I say in three sentences or less.

[pig]

well, i'll say that she is sleeping with him, i.e. having sex with him. they are trying not to rub it in your face, but of course are doing just that. sometimes it just bees that ways sometimes...but you need to follow martian and crompsin on this one. you can't do anything about it, other than drive yourself crazy. find something else to think about. better yet, let yourself be ok with them sleeping together, and broadcast that to them. i mean, if she is going to be sleeping with some guy for a while before she takes off for rome...at least you know this guy isn't a total dickhead.

[sphynx]

Yeah, I know I should let it go...its just difficult sometimes, especially when its staring you in the face at home everyday. I think I just need to move out, I wouldn't be having this problem if I wasn't living here. Having her here just makes it that much harder to forget about her, and its things like these that just inflame whatever wounds (not to sound emo or something) i've been trying to stitch up ever since she basically told me she didn't feel the same way about me..... Thats just life I guess.... *sigh* As i may or may have not said before, everything was fine before any of this happened.

[soma]

Move on or move out.

[Daniel_]

Get drunk and offer to tag team her?

[Plan9]

Originally Posted by sphynx

(what basically equates to frustration, teen angst, and a big "What should I do!?")

Go to: www.Google.com

Type in: free porn

Click on: any link

Hand on: dick

You'll figure the rest out.

[BadNick]

or to give your hand, that Crompsin mentions, a big helping hand, go find another girl. That always worked wonders for me when I was trying to get over a dwindling flame.

[MSD]

She's attracted to him and not you, what more is there to say? Move on to another of billions of women in the world and stop fixating on this one. You can't expect her to just let things go back to how they always were when you obviously haven't gotten over it yet.

[sphynx]

Meh, I think I have kind of gotten over it, moreso because of something that happened last night. She basically got plastered at our house, called over some random dude ...wasn't even my best friend who i had suspected as i said before....and slept with him. I think this just verifies my conclusion that she's a slut and that fixating on her this much as you guys have said is not worth my time or energy.

I'm kind of glad it happened actually, wierd enough, I guess because it gives me a good excuse to stop dwelling on her soo much. I in general, and i know this may seem biased for the circumstances...but I don't have too much respect at all for drunken floosies who screw random dudes..that was just a big turn off i guess.

[pig]

hmmm...i wonder if i should say anything, or if i'll let someone like mixed handle this one. maybe a ratbastid will chime in.

i can go ahead and say that i'll end up dittoing what they're going to post.

[Seer666]

Originally Posted by sphynx

Meh, I think I have kind of gotten over it, moreso because of something that happened last night. She basically got plastered at our house, called over some random dude ...wasn't even my best friend who i had suspected as i said before....and slept with him. I think this just verifies my conclusion that she's a slut and that fixating on her this much as you guys have said is not worth my time or energy.

I'm kind of glad it happened actually, wierd enough, I guess because it gives me a good excuse to stop dwelling on her soo much. I in general, and i know this may seem biased for the circumstances...but I don't have too much respect at all for drunken floosies who screw random dudes..that was just a big turn off i guess.

OK, now, normally I hear that anger seeping through and I get happy because it's a step towards getting over things. But in this case I have to say.. DUDE, WTF? Ok, this is not some psycho cunt who used you and cheated on you. This is your best fucking friend, who when you talk to about your feelings, did something not enough women do and was honest with you from the fucking get go. Could it be things are falling aprat with you because you keep thinking shit like that? Hum? You thik it, you act it. You are playing the hurt angry puppy and chances are things are going to shit with the two of you because YOU keep acting like a dick, not because of what she is doing. Fucking hell man, your in college. That is what people do in college. They learn shit, and they party it up and sleep with people they find attractive. You not calling her a slut because she banged some guy she knows from class, but because that man isn't you. They way you are acting here is WAY out of fucking line. If someone wrongs you, I will be the first person in line behind you telling you what kind o crazy fucking shit you can do to fuck them up in return. Eye for an eye is not enough for me, but this case dude, YOU are the one stepping out of line. You need to check your head right now. Could it be the reason she isn't attracted to you is because of shit like this right here? I think it might just be. I STRONGLY recommend you take some time to just go sit in a dark corner way the hell away from her, REALLY think about how things have played out, and then beg her to forgive you for being an asshat. She was nothing but honest with you, and you go and pull shit like this? Dude, fucked up. grow a pair, get over yourself, and spend some time making sure she knows you are really really sorry for the way you've been acting if you want to save this friendship. And if you don't want to, just make damn sure you realize you are the one that caused it to go down in flames, not her.

See what you did damnit? You went and made me take her side. I'll never feel clean again.

[pig]

well, or maybe it'll be a seer that chimes in. regardless, the point stands. well said, i must say.

[sphynx]

The thing is dude, its not just me, she really is kind of fucked up, and I'm not the only one to notice...not because I got put down and all but she IS a user., maybe not like in the bf/gf type sense, but in an overall sense. She likes using people to get her way and when she doesn't need them she forgets about them completely, and then whenever she wants something from them she puts on this really fake mask just to get her way. I'm really just tired of putting up with that shit. For example, yesterday my old roommate who used to live with us came over to drink with us, she got all friendly with him...sat on his lap..and was like dude i miss you..etc etc being overly friendly. We both just kind of looked at each other, me and my old roomie and were like what!? After she left the room he was like, you do realize dude that she hasnt talked to me, not even one phone call in the last 6 months. Theres also the fact that she kind of sort of threw me away as a friend completely after i told her what i told her, she even wanted to kick me out of the house and didn't talk to me for a month. I mean, is it really that bad to find out that your best friend has feelings for you? I'll admit on my part i have been a immature holding on to this for so long and for caring so much. I guess its just because its kind of a dynamic situation where im sitting at and because this is the first time anything like this has happened to me, and hopefully the last. Not a lot of people, least that i know of are stupid enough to fall for their best friend who lives with them, but i guess thats just fucking life isn't it?

[sphynx]

I can't say i regret having said what i said either, because I think it would've been more dishonest to keep it in/unhealthy. Yet i think she could've handled the situation a little better, I'm telling you guys she got really offended, like as if I had wronged her somehow by telling her that. So i was hurt by it, in more ways than one. So I guess now its just a combination of being hurt by that shit, jealousy, and feeling like she really hasn't done anything to try to improve the situation between us. I'm the only one who's been trying, granted my jealousy and the shit that I say contradicts this, but in the end all I really want is just peace. I want my peace of mind back and I guess calling her a slut just makes it easier for me to let go of her; even though that is the last thing in the world I would ever want to call her. Understand?

Its kind of like having to make yourself hate someone because you're too attatched to them in the other direction. I guess I still haven't found a more mature/constructive way to deal with it yet..but I'm working on it. I just need to find a new girlfriend, and maybe some new friends, as they say sometimes change is good.

[Seer666]

From someone who has lost many people close to me, ask yourself one thing. Is temporary peace of mind worth losing a friend over? Yes, this situation is a hard one to deal with, and all these negative feelings are play hell with you. But is insulting a friend and a person you care about on such a deep level the way to go? You will only hate yourself in the end if you take this course man. For what you lost, what you did, and how you made her feel. You want to fix this, you need to do a couple of things. First, start finding ways to spend time away from there. Just go down to the coffee shop to study for a few hours a night if you have to. If you can find another place to live without throwing both your lives in to chaos, even better. Time apart is the key. Second, sit her down one on one and talk to her. Simple truth is, your confession may have made her very nervous and bit uncomfortable. So, tell her you are very sorry if you made her feel weird, but you feel what you feel and you had to let her know, out of respect for the person she is. Second, tell you understand if these feelings are one way and that you are sorry if you been acting like an ass. Above all, let her know you love her as a friend first and foremost, and you do not want that to change. Your issues here are yours, and you need to work through them. If that means a little less time together for a while so you can sort yourself and save the friendship, so be it. A true friend is rare thing. Don't fuck it up. And if you do, don't put the blame on her for being a healthy young woman. If she pulls some sort of dirty underhanded shit on you, blame away. But until then, this is your bag, not hers. Keep that in mind if you want to fix this.

[sphynx]

I guess you're right, I can't blame her for me feeling this way about her...thats my issue as you said. Its just a very frustrating and emotionally confusing situation for me. Do you think I actually set out to live with my best friend so that all of this shit would happen and so that we would end up being more apart than together. Give me the credit of having enough virtue to be trying to make it work. I am the one that convinced her not to kick me out..because i WAS trying to keep my friend. Unbeknownst to her, sometimes I'm in agony just from having her there and from having to distance myself from her. I don't want to lose her completely, but it seems the best solution for me, is to lose her if anything temporarily until I can sort my own shit out. I just have to face the fact that she doesn't care about me THAT much, and thats a hard pill to swallow for me for some reason. I grew up together with her, I knew this girl since she was a tiny thing who was still picking her buggers and sticking pencils up her nose. I love her, but thats just the issue....I love her too much.

[Seer666]

Let go, back off, move on. Emotions are a pain in the ass. Sometimes they will fuck you up bad. Distance my friend. That is the only answer I'm seeing here.Sort your issues, and let her deal with hers.

[sphynx]

I agree, Its making me sick thinking/worrying/talking about it so much, I need to stop hitting my head on the wall about it and just drop it. Unfortunately emotions don't come with an on/off switch, its more of a dimmer type apparatus that just slowly and painfully makes it go away with time. Someone needs to come up with a delete button for emotions, they'd make millions!

[Ustwo]

Originally Posted by sphynx

I agree, Its making me sick thinking/worrying/talking about it so much, I need to stop hitting my head on the wall about it and just drop it. Unfortunately emotions don't come with an on/off switch, its more of a dimmer type apparatus that just slowly and painfully makes it go away with time. Someone needs to come up with a delete button for emotions, they'd make millions!

New pussy.

I keep telling you kids that. A woman has you down? You can't stop thinking about her? Love and lust is chemical, switch the chemicals to someone else.

Amazingly it will hurt a lot less a lot quicker than waiting for time to make you get over it.

[ironpham]

Originally Posted by Ustwo

New pussy.

I keep telling you kids that. A woman has you down? You can't stop thinking about her? Love and lust is chemical, switch the chemicals to someone else.

Amazingly it will hurt a lot less a lot quicker than waiting for time to make you get over it.

I said this in another thread and someone called me an idiot for it...I always thought it was sound advice.

Sphynx, paragraphs please! I had to quit reading your posts because it was hurting my eyes...and I agree with everyone else...

[MSD]

Originally Posted by sphynx

I'm kind of glad it happened actually, wierd enough, I guess because it gives me a good excuse to stop dwelling on her soo much. I in general, and i know this may seem biased for the circumstances...but I don't have too much respect at all for drunken floosies who screw random dudes..that was just a big turn off i guess.

Good thing she didn't get too drunk and fuck you, because you would still have those traces of one-itis (a psychological pathology characterized by believing that "she's the one" and screwing yourself for a long time because you can't screw her and don't want anyone else.) I thought a friend in high school was the one, I blew my chance, and when I finally saw her again a few years later, I overheard her talking with someone and realized just how badly it would have turned out for me. Even though I thought I was over it, I realize now that I was subconsciously sabotaging myself for years because I still hadn't gotten over the fact that I blew my chance with someone so intelligent and beautiful. Once I found out that someone who seemed so perfect could be just as shallow and petty as the rest of the world, it broke the spell and I was over it.

[Infinite_Loser]

Originally Posted by ironpham

I said this in another thread and someone called me an idiot for it...I always thought it was sound advice.

Hell, I'd call anyone who thinks that's sound advice an idiot, too, because, well, it's not 'sound' by any means. That is all. Carry on.

[Plan9]

Originally Posted by MrSelfDestruct

Once I found out that someone who seemed so perfect could be just as shallow and petty as the rest of the world, it broke the spell and I was over it.

Aaah, how these human faults make our heroes weak to critiques, our lovers vulnerable to judgment.

The burn lets you know the medicine is working.

Originally Posted by Infinite_Loser

Hell, I'd call anyone who thinks that's sound advice an idiot, too, because, well, it's not 'sound' by any means. That is all. Carry on.

I find it hard to believe that you've never had to distract your head with your crotch, kemo sabe.

I find it pretty sound. I felt better about being ditched for no good reason by my ex the minute I realized that other women wanted to grope my genitals.

[Ustwo]

Originally Posted by Infinite_Loser

Hell, I'd call anyone who thinks that's sound advice an idiot, too, because, well, it's not 'sound' by any means. That is all. Carry on.

IL I think we could fit your relationship experience into a factoid. I'm not sure why you could call anyone an idiot on the subject you have so very little experience with.

[Fast Forward]

Originally Posted by sphynx

Now I don't know if its just jealousy on my part ...

Yes. It could be "jealousy" - but I'm betting on "envy".

We, the male species, still have a good deal of primitive emotions left in us and you've been given a jolt that you're not "modern/sofisticated" enough to accept. I'd feel the same way as you. The oldest male (or the only male) still thinks he "rules" the nest. You're in charge or - at least - the one who gets things done and you may not want her (not really) or perhaps you think she's yours simply because you're the "man in the house". In any case there's a flirt going on between the two on you even if it's not very serious and even if it's only on your part. Like I said, your male ego got a jolt. Don't worry. Be proud. It's normal. If you didn't have those feelings you'd be writing to this forum worried about the possibility of you being "gay".

[MSD]

Originally Posted by ironpham

I said this in another thread and someone called me an idiot for it...I always thought it was sound advice.

Originally Posted by Infinite_Loser

Hell, I'd call anyone who thinks that's sound advice an idiot, too, because, well, it's not 'sound' by any means. That is all. Carry on.

Folks, please keep in mind that ad hominem arguments are considered flaming except in the most unusual of circumstances. You can argue a point without attacking a person. If you are attacked by another member, let a mod or admin know, and as always, keep it civil. Try not to feed the trolls, and if someone is flaming, it's usually best to call the fire department instead of pissing on them.