soma

Hello. My GF broke up with me tonight. Sucky.
She genuinely wants to be friends with me. See, we had a weird relationship. We both don't have many friends and were sort of each other's best friend. So now, it's like we're both pretty alone.

But. It's going to be hard also to get over her if I still see her. I don't know. I told her that I probably can't spend time with her anymore because it would be too hard for me. But at the same time, I still do want to spend time with her...

Thoughts?

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Having Girl Problems?

Ch'i

Distance yourself from her for awhile, and let her know about it. You'll need the time to see if you can honestly put your feelings behind you and start a healthy friendship. It can be done, but be honest; if the feelings remain you're just going to be torturing yourself. Give it time and see what happens.

LoganSnake

That's how I feel, Soma, therefore I cannot be friends with an ex.

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

snowy

I only had the ex-as-a-friend thing work out once.

It may take some time to get there, and you may not get there at all. In some cases, it isn't worth the time or effort, or the possible pain.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

soma

Yeah... I don't know. We were really close and I'd like to share my life with her and ask her advice about things and stuff, because I know I can get honest answers from her.

But hanging out might be a little weird. I feel like I might want to hang out with her because I think there might still be a chance ... and that's just setting me up.

I don't know. This friday, she's having a little get together at her place and she wants me to come. I'm not sure if I should go or not. I was thinking of going, seeing how it was and decide from there... I think that makes sense. I think..

Btw, first relationship. So, no experience.

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Having Girl Problems?

telekinetic

Six months of no contact. Then you can be friends.

edit: First relationship? Shit, nine months.


Don't think about how fun it will be to hang out. Remember that you are absolutely not her SO anymore. So if she wants to date someone else, or if the two of you hang out at a party, and she wants to make out with a cute boy, or head to the back room to fuck some guy, it's her perogative, and you really have no right to be offended, jealous or insulted. If you're anything like me at the end of my first relationship, the mere thought of that causes a flush of jealousy.

It's not worth it.

Shauk

http://www.pandasmash.com/video.php?epi_id=140

there you go....

match000

LOL

it may be comedy but am i an idiot for seeing bits of reality in what he said?

LazyBoy

Immediately, NO. If you run into each other down the road, AFTER losing contact and moving on, its possible.....but theres still a chance it may never happen.

:edit, had to get over initial thought trauma lol:

Immediately, the *feelings* are still there, and they aren't just going to go away because you "agreed" to this, and if they are immediately gone, then there were never really any feelings anyway IMHO. You must first move on before you can succesfully back up...

just my .02

-Will

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Life is nothing, everything.....and something in between...

oddtrend

From what I've seen, most of the time it's no. I think it's hard to restablish boundaries after you've gone so long without them.

Shauk

well my thoughts on this is if you dont wanna just be friends, tell her that.

then, just try to remove yourself from contact.

Seems like girls only react to being ignored for some reason. They dont want your attention unless they are afraid they might lose it for good.

*shrug*

unless she had a good reason to break up with you, she'll more than likely want to get back with you if she really misses you. The problem is that after the initial breakup, you have to stay away long enough for them to actually miss you so they can come to that realization.

but then again, if she doesn't miss you, then she wont be calling, and then she wasn't really interested in being your friend anyway.

in any case I'd just say stay on your own little island, and make her come to you. If she wants to hang out, make her come to you, dont jump in your car and land on her doorstep in 30 seconds.

She broke up with you, if she really wants to be friends, she'll make the effort. Keep her honest.

abaya

NO. You can't.

Do not play games, do not try to be friends, do not allow her to contact you, and DEFINITELY do not contact her. It will not work. Period. If you ignore this advice, you'll think you can make it work, you'll come up with all kinds of justifications for why you can be friends... but at some point, the pain will sink in. And sooner or later, you will learn the same lesson that we all have.

Save yourself while you can. Avoid "being friends" at all costs. Move on.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Lucifer

I think you can be, but the 6 months no contact thing helps. It also helps that when you do get in contact again, if you are both seeing other people. My gf and I broke up in the spring and it really hurt. But I was away all spring and summer and during that time she emailed me once or twice for advice on her thesis, but there was no other contact and I didn't initiate anything. I told myself that when I came home if she wanted to be friends, then she had to make the first move.

Sure enough, about a week after I came home, she IM-ed me one night and we got to talking. We went out for lunch and were able to rehash all the events of our breakup with no drama and have since remained friends, getting together for lunch or coffee a couple of times a week.

The thing about us is that both of us have only a few friends here, and that we really get along and enjoy each other's company. Both of us are getting our romantic/sexual needs with others, which frees us up to just be good friends.

You have to be very honest with each other.

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I am a brother to dragons, and a companion to owls.
- Job 30:29

1123, 6536, 5321

ngdawg

Yes, you can, but not while the wounds are fresh.
My spouse was married before. Last week, much to our surprise, his ex and her current spouse were at a gallery show I was in. Kisses and hugs all around and they caught up and had a few chuckles while I made the rounds.
Life goes on....holding onto pain is stifling. Once you're able to step back an appreciate the relationship for what it was, you can be friends.

Crack

If you have any feelings for her, and you know that they are unrequited... run. Run far away and don't look back.

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Crack, you and I are long overdue for a vicious bout of mansex.

~Halx

abaya

Certainly, I agree with that. And I used to say that to people when they asked this question... yes, *eventually* you can be friends, but you have to cut off contact for a good long chunk of time... until you pretty much had just forgotten about the person (so that you were no longer giving them any emotional power in your life), however long that takes. Which usually does work.

However, it takes a LOT longer than most people ever really want to know, when they ask a question like that. Most freshly-broken up people latch on to that "eventually" part and forget the rest. They say, "Well wait, you said that EVENTUALLY we could be friends... and it's been like 1 month since we talked, so we can be friends now, right?" and then they get right back into their own little emotional tar baby of a clusterfucked relationship, and it takes double the time to get out of it from that point.

So I've changed my advice about this kind of question. I've just made an unequivocal NO, that you CANNOT be friends, that you cannot ever EXPECT to become friends, ever. To want or hope for anything else is not truly letting go of the situation, or that person's power in your life. It is still "expecting" that someday, everything will be okay. Sure, of course it DOES happen, just as ng and some others have said. But to sit around waiting for that... no, that doesn't work.

I really think it's best to move on with 100% intention to completely and utterly break things off with that person, and to never, EVER interact with them again (even if a long ways down the road, you do end up becoming friends). But do not even entertain the idea of "friends." Only then can you truly get away from that power over you, and let come what may after all the dust has settled.

It's much more difficult than it sounds. Most people do not want to cut themselves off from someone who mattered so much to them, for such a long time. They'd rather cut off a limb than do that. Which is why so few people ever really follow this advice, unfortunately. We all have to learn the very hardest way... thanks to our own stubbornness and pride.

Obviously, this was my own lesson to learn, years back... which explains my novel-length post here.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Plan9

Meh, I call bullshit based on my personal experiences.

Women say they wanna be friends to use you, hurt you, fuck with your head.

You can't back out the "penetration degree" thing. You're DONE. Get out.

Remember that big point Billy Crystal made in When Harry Met Sally?

Once you've loved someone and done it to their crotch... there's no going back.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Average_Joe

From a guy's point of view (or at least this guy's point of view) there is only a miniscule chance of being friends with an ex. Based on personal experience, the road to this is very difficult. After breaking up with my first "real" (I was 16 y.o.) gf, we agreed that we would stay in touch and just be friends. Although I always respected our relationship as being one as just friends.....ohhhh, the pining, and torture!!!! When ever we were together, I always hoped that she would somehow come around and want to take it up a notch or 2 like before. This went on for a looooong time. Finally, after I found someone I liked a whole lot better, and the pining and hoping disappeared, I was able to become just a friend. However, at this point, I didn't even want to be friends. I even realized we weren't even that compatible.....

So, from my point of view, if you want to stay friends, be my guest. But, understand that you may not be as happy that way.

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I think I'll procrastinate......in a little while.

Plan9

We want ALL the women and we want them now.

The Reverend Henry Rollins say:

Yeah, I post this shit far too often.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

soma

So today she called me and told me she missed me...
She was all weepy and stuff.
I feel bad that she's sad, but she wanted to break up with me. I didn't want to break up with her, you know. But right now, I feel kind of stupid if I try to get back together with her. Like I'm setting myself up.

yeah...

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Having Girl Problems?

Shauk

god damn, why do girls do that shit? if you wanna break up, then break up, seriously. why don't they get that?

get mad. not too mad, but mad enough to tell her that if she's not going to be strong and back up her decision, that it's going to fuck with you emotionally, and that it's not the right thing for her to do. She needs to take a stance on her decision and deal with it.

how long were you guys together??

Ustwo

Time to use your imagination.

You have been 'friends' for say two weeks.

Her new boyfriend comes over.

You leave knowing hes going to be banging the shit out of her as soon as you leave.

Do you care?

If yes, then no, you can't be friends.

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Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Shauk

been there, done that. sucked badly.

Daniel_

My ex is a psychotic barking nut-job that would only be capable of making me happy with the news that she was renouncing all claim to my daughter, and moving to a windswept desert island with no internet, phone or postal service and only sporadic re-supply via sailing boat.

And even then she'd have too much impact on my life.

So on balance, no, I don't think that exes can be friends.

__________________

╔═════════════════════════════════════════╗
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine
╚═════════════════════════════════════════╝

Bossnass

One of my better friends is an ex. But it was an 8-month relationship that ended 9 years ago, when she started dating someone else, my actual thought was 'better him than me'. And there was about 5 years that I didn't see/speak to her. We're both married now and she has a kid, but I'm designing her future straw-bale house right now.

Lucifer

4 of my closest friends are exes. 2 are married, one has a kid, and one is due in November. I'm buying the baby carriage from her registry for her. I sent the one with a kid a stuffed toy that she had given me for christmas years ago last year as a gift for her baby. Two other exes are nasty and bitter. I hope I never lay eyes on them again. Your breakup is what you make it, just like your relationship. If you realize that it is over, you can move on. If you persist in stalking, fighting, obssesing, or just plain being a bitch about it, then any chance for a post-relationship relationship is gone.

__________________
I am a brother to dragons, and a companion to owls.
- Job 30:29

1123, 6536, 5321

Plan9

If your idiot bell isn't ringing... lemme come over and clock you.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Clare

you can be friends as long as the space to get over her is given. if there are still feelings bad, good (as in "in love"),sad or whatever then a friend ship can only last so long. this is a lesson i've learnt, but also because you know so much about each other you can be great friend. a little time and space for you to have no romantic feelings and you will probably be best mates again

Hyacinthe

I'm actually really good friends with my ex to the point where we see eachother atleast once a week for dinner or a movie.

Just because I don't want to live with / marry / have children with the guy doesn't mean I don't enjoy his company. We were both aware however that the relationship wasn't going well, when things ended we both knew that was it, it was over, there were no hopes of getting back together and no harsh feelings.

I think that's the main thing about having a friendship with an ex, you need to be able to accept the idea that you're never going to be in a romantic situation with them again. When you get to the point you can accept the thought of her with another guy you're ready to be friends. Til then you're just setting yourself up to be hurt.

__________________
"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."

abaya

Do you have caller ID? Did you know it was her calling? Then it's on you for answering the phone. If you didn't know it was her calling, then it's also on you for not saying (as soon as you recognized her voice), "We're broken up, I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me anymore, goodbye." Anytime you allow her to communicate with you from this point on, is your responsibility. Do not forget that.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

dirtyrascal7

In order to go from being lovers to platonic friends, both of you need to change your perspective on the relationship. For most people, that can take a while... it's not an easy thing to do, especially if the other person is sending mixed signals about their own intentions.

It will definitely be difficult to deal with if she doesn't even know what she wants. I've never been in an on-again/off-again relationship... in most of my breakups, it was clearly over all at once with little chance of working things out, so it was easier to try and move on.

I am friends with most of my exes, some closer friends than others. I think it's great that you want to still have her in your life... finding someone you connect with really well, friend or otherwise, is a rare thing and I don't believe it should be taken lightly. However, if you're both unsure of what you're looking for in your relationship, perhaps it's a good idea to take some time apart and evaluate your lives, both individually and together.

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"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."

xxxafterglow

Word.

Want to point out that guys ALSO use their exes (the auxiliary girlfriend).

I think you'll just wind up clinging to each other out of habit, esp. cuz you don't have many other friends. She will become an emotional crutch for you (and you for her).

You should cut her out of your life and start hanging out with your other buddies. Take that notion that you might get back together or might be friends later on and flush it down the shithole.

This is how you will move on and get over it.

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Uh huh her.

Seer666

I have 1 ex that I am still friends with. It took 3 years of not talking, at all, to even be able to try and work things out to that point. So for now, run. Run the devil and all his minions are hot on your ass, and don't look back. Cause if you don't give yourself LOTS of time to get the hell over it, you will know what hell on earth is. trust me on that one.

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Bad spellers of the world untie!!!

I am the one you warned me of

I seem to have misplaced the bullet with your name on it, but I have a whole box addressed to occupant.

nonplussed

Yes, exes can be friends... but not until after the passage of time.

Eject this person from your life for now because you really don't want to be friends. You want her back. And you will die a thousand deaths when that doesn't happen. If there is enough there to justify an actual friendship divorced from a romantic/sexual relationship -- which is VERY rare between a man and a woman -- then you will only know it after you have either completely forgotten her or have had an intervening serious relationship.

For a great illustration of this principle rent the movie Swingers. You are the character Mike.

Shauk

see I can dispense advice but I don't follow it. *shrug* if I had the foresight that I have now, I probably would have placed a lot more distance between me and my ex than I did. I still think we could be more than friends, but it's just clear to me that I got used a bit throughout the "friendship" portion of things.

I'm not bitter about it but it did put undue stress on me and kept me from really "moving on" i suppose.

Guess thats why i'm jumping at the opportunity I have now to move in with her, I guess if things go to shit this time, I'll be able to do it the right way.

OMS

I'd tend to agree with the posters above, it is possible but you need time out.

In my experience you both need time and space, I've lost lovers and had them come back as friends years later, for me the time after the breakup I'm not rational about them I either hate them or still love them, you cant be friends with that intensity of feelings.

That said one of my closest friends is someone I had a relationship with 10 years ago, we both have other casual lovers, we sometimes end up in bed together and thats OK, we both understand where we are and have talked about it quite extensively.

Just my Story,
OMS

soma

Update:
So last weekend she wanted to hang out, I said I couldn't. It was just too soon. I told her I'd rather do really casual things like eat lunch together and go from there.

Yesterday, we ate lunch and everything was going great. She seemed to be doing fine and so was I. We were just talking and eating. It was great.

Then she sort of goes into girlfriend mode and talks about our relationship. And how she doesn't know if she wants me back or not. So like she's on the fence.

Now, this whole thing ended because I didn't treat her right (yelled at her, said some things I shouldn't have) so I want to get back together, but also, I don't want to hurt her again. And she doesn't want that either. Like, I can say that I'll change, but I'm worried I might not be able to.

Well. Yeah. So things are still sort of uncertain now. But there's an update. Something for you all to chew on

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Having Girl Problems?

Average_Joe

To me, it sounds as though she wants you back. You didn't mention why you yelled at her, but you do acknowledge that it was a mistake. Unless you verbally abused her or threatened her life, perhaps you just need to apologize and try get back together with her. Sometimes people get angry and say things they don't mean. It's not the best way to behave, but it happens to the best of us. I wouldn't worry about hurting her again. If she's wanting to come back to you, then you probably didn't say anything too terrible to begin with. If you do end up getting back together, and the situation arises that she's making you feel angry, just walk away next time and cool off.

Now go out and buy those roses. Pronto!

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I think I'll procrastinate......in a little while.

xxxafterglow

Hmmm.

I really believe you can change by modifying your behavior. I get angry about the "I don't want to hurt her again" excuse cuz I see it as pussying out (my boyfriend and I have gone through that).

If the two of you want to try again, you have to acknowledge the pain you've caused each other and try even harder to communicate and listen so you can meet the needs of the other person.

Case-in-point, if you have anger issues, you need to learn to talk to her about stuff when you are calm and rational. It might also help to tell her you can't talk to her while you are angry because the words that come out don't mean anything. Basically, you need to take responsibility for your behavior. If you care a lot about this girl and you really do not want to hurt her, you'll find a way to make the relationship work.

I live with my foot in my mouth. I apologize a lot to people. My poor boyfriend.

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Uh huh her.

dirtyrascal7

There are two kinds of relationships. Those based on convenience and those based on commitment.

When we first become interested in the opposite sex, all our romantic relationships are based on convenience. Eventually, we progress and mature enough and begin approaching relationships with a different perspective. We are now more responsible and have more aspects and demands in our lives, so any relationship approached with the same "based on convenience" attitude is doomed to fail.

Only when both people are committed to making things work will the relationship stand a chance of being successful... and I'm not even talking about marriage here, I simply mean taking the other person's view into consideration when making decisions and being respectful at all times.

soma -- It sounds like your pre-breakup relationship with this girl was based on convenience. Not to say you didn't make sacrifices for her from time to time, but your overall mindset was not in the right place.

You obviously still care about her, and so what you must do now is approach things differently and commit to being IN the relationship, rather than simply going through the motions.

It is not you that needs to change, it's your perspective. If you change that, everything else will come naturally and she will regain her trust in you.

__________________
"Tie yourself to your limitless potential, rather than your limiting past."

"Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."