lurkette

My brother was 25 (I'm 30) and just died a few months ago. He had a hard life - a genetic condition that made him look different, he was genius smart in a hick town, and had a dysfunctional relationship with our dad. But he had finally found a place where he fit in, and he was happy. He was a skateboarder (pretty good one) and computer geek, working as a web tech for a skateboard company in LA. He was skateboarding late at night and was hit by a car. He had a head injury, and I rushed out to LA with my mom to be with him in the ICU, but he caught pneumonia and died 2 weeks later without ever regaining consciousness. I was there when he "coded" and told him it was ok to go, and told the doctors to stop working on him. He would never have wanted to be a vegetable, and that's how bad it had gotten.

I miss him so much. We were both on AIM at work all day and would communicate that way regularly. We were pretty close, and had really gotten to the point where we just understood each other without having to even talk about anything.

I had no problem being strong while he was in the hospital, or even afterward dealing with all the memorial service stuff and putting his affairs in order. But now I'm just kind of a basket case. I am either crying, or spaced out, or cranky, or just numb. I'm starting to enjoy some activities, but mostly I just want to sleep or eat or do something to make my brain shut up. This has kind of put some distance between me and my husband, which is like a second loss. We were so close before, and now I feel bad I don't pay as much attention to him as I wish I did, and I'm just not really able to be there for him.

Has anybody else lost someone? How long does it take before you feel "normal" again? I know things will never go back to the way they were before - there'll always be this big hole where he was - but how long before I feel like myself again? Will I EVER feel like myself again? How should I relate to my husband so he understands what I'm going through, and that it's not personal if I don't pay as much attention to him as I used to?

Washington

I cant begin to image.

My condolences

I wouldnt things would ever been the same. But time does heal all wounds.


Hang in there

__________________
there is no absolute, only the moment.

spectre

Sorry to hear about your loss.

To answer your question, every person is different. Some take longer then others to heal after losing someone close to them. I can't really say what would be best for you to do, because, again, different things help different people. I would recommend, however, that you don't allow yourself to be shut out from others. We can't always handle everything on our own, and the strength of others can help. Good luck to you.

__________________
"Fuck these chains
No goddamn slave
I will be different" ~ Machine Head

Angel

lurkette...
I am very sorry for your loss.
I can relate first hand as I lost my brother 6 years ago.
I would like to extend the offer to you that shall you wish to discuss your loss or anything else with me, I am here and my heart is open and my shoulder there. Perhaps one able to draw strength from the other.
Feel free to PM me at any time and we can take this away from the forums in a more private manner shall you choose to do so.
Again, I am sorry for your loss and my prayers are with you.
~Angel~

__________________


In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer.
~Albert Camus

denim

You're grieving. That's normal. If you feel you're too far off the rails, you might want to see a grief counselor about it.

eyeseepeedude

I don't think anyone can answer this, because it is a personal thing that is different from one to another. I've never lost a brother, so I can't even imagine what you're going through.

__________________
If you like what you see, donate to the TFP

gibber71

Immortalize him in your head with all the great things you shared together. Be thankful for the gift given to you that was his life and remember,you are also a gift. You shouldn't have to apologize or justify to anyone your feelings.It is a cliche,but time really does heal. Greiving is a process,but celebrating someones life who has passed is also a process.

Sorry for your loss.

rogue49

I'm sorry for your loss, that must have been difficult.
But you were there for him.
It sounds like your brother was a fighter, and made the best of things,
and I'm sure he would want you to fight on, and live on.
That's sounds like something he would want you to do.
Celibrate his life and what he meant to you.
It sounds like what he would do for you.

I know you will get better,
he is with you in heart & soul.

KeyserSoze

Sorry for your loss bro

I lost my younger brother to AIDS and he was the best person in the world. I talk with my brother everday and keep him in my prayers. The hardest thing for me is not remembering the last time we were together wether or not I hugged him, what I mean is I can remember everything else about our last moments together our conversation......everything but our hug goodbye. Sometimes I will dwell on it....like now and it fucking KILLS ME INSIDE. So I think of how happy a person he was knowing for ten years he was going to die and not once crying or saying poor me and the crazy shit we used to do. When I think of him as being with me everthing is ok in my world and he IS STILL my little brother whom is always there in in my heart.

It will be ok and know he is never really gone as long as he is in your thoughts and heart.

God Bless

__________________
THERE IS NO KEYSER SOZE!!

Sparhawk

My sympathies for your loss. The most important thing to glean out of these posts is that you don't have to face this alone. You have your husband and family to lean on for mutual support, and if you're interested, grief counselors or family counselors can be very beneficial. Again my sympathies...

__________________
"In Iraq, no doubt about it, it's tough. It's hard work. It's incredibly hard. It's - and it's hard work. I understand how hard it is. I get the casualty reports every day. I see on the TV screens how hard it is. But it's necessary work. We're making progress. It is hard work."

cdwonderful

I too, feel for your loss. And there is no time allotted for loss. All I can tell you is that the sharp pain will go away in time. The dull ache of your loss will take significantly longer. The only way to fight it is to live in the now, immerse yourself in the living, breathing, day to day things that make up your life. And keep his memory alive in your heart. And ask yourself, "How would he want me to handle this?" Good luck, you will be fine. In time.

__________________
Never try to teach a pig to whistle
it wastes your time,
and annoys the pig.....

lurkette

You're all wonderful. Thank you for letting me share - it helps to just have other people know what's going on. The worst part right now is having to go back to normal life with all of these strangers who don't know what's happening. I want a t-shirt that says "my brother just died and I'm sad. leave me alone". Instead I dyed my hair purple (sort of the equivalent of a poison dart frog's bright colors warning off other animals). He would have gotten a kick out of that.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

clockworkgreen

My dad died 6 weeks ago from a long illness. I'm only 25, so there aren't too many of my friends who have gone through a similar episode, or many 50 year old women, like my mom, who are widows....

I guess I see your point about the wearing a T-Shirt that says your brother just died, and as much as I sympathize, I've learned even in these short few weeks that everybody has loss in their lives. By and large, people give you some time to get things together, but then after that, you realize everybody's going through something. 2 weeks after my dad died, my mom found herself back in the hospital with one of her friends who was sick. Just shows you life isn't going to stop and you have to keep going, like it or not. It's fine to grieve, it just can't be your life now. That's how I'm getting through it, knowing a million others have had to do the same thing at some point in their lives.

shotofgmplease

first off i'm really sorry to hear about you're loss. i myself have a brother and 2 sister and a nephew and losing any of them would destroy me aswell. i have dealt with loss though, i lost my father about 7 years ago and it was the hardest thing i have ever been through. he died in a car accident so as you know it was sudden but i was ok through mass and the funeral but i just started to miss him like i've never felt. he was my best friend. whenever i started to think about it, reality would kick me in the face and i would know that i would never be able to speak with him again, ask him for advise, hang out with him, hear his voice and hug him ever again and spending another one of my, my brother or sisters or his birrthday together. it simplly destroyed me and i think for everyone its different how they deal with death. talking for me was good even though i would always end up crying because just the thought of him not being around anymore just kills me, even when writing you this message brings tears to my eyes since its simply something i will never get over but just learn to live with. you will never ever stop loving you're brother and he knows that as much as you do and this is something very important that you'll have to remember. talking to you're husband ab out it and explaining how its affecting you will definetly help him understand if he hasn't dealt with death himself. it takes time is all i have to say, i don't know how much but one day you'll realize that you want to be out but there will be those times when you get drunk and you'll cry but thats just part of it and getting through time in you're life will only make you a stronger person and the day someone comes to you as you've in some way come to me, you can offer you're advise since you've been in their shoes like i've been in yours.

you're gonna be fine and i worry too much about you're husband as long as you talk about it with him. let him understand and let him understand how much you're brother meant to you.

i've been there and i know how you feel. don't hold you're tears back. you'll get through these hard times and life does move on. you'll be fine.

take care and if you want to talk or email, send me a private message.

take care.

__________________
whadata my damie.

Ogre840

i hate to say this, but, youll never be "OK" with it. you just need to put it in the back of your mind once your ready, and realize he's gone. thats what i had to do when my dad died. i still think about him on a daily basis, but ive come to terms with him being gone. and remember, its ok to cry, as long as you dont cry so much you cant carry on a "normal" life.

other than that, just dont drowned you feelings in drugs, and dont let it get you too down, just remember, he's on the other side away from any pain this world could bring him, and he's waiting for you. and he'll teach you how to skateboard when you get there

lurkette

Heh. He tried once, and the results were less than spectacular. Unfortunately he died before he could try again. Still, I like the idea of skateboarding with my bro in the great beyond. My sister claims she can "hear" him when she listens for him, and one of the things he's said to her is "I can do EVERYTHING here." She thinks he was talking about being freed of his body's limitations - he had a genetic condition that made him unable to sweat, so if he skated for too long he'd get overheated. That never stopped him, and he kicked ass on a board, but it was a pain in the ass to deal with and made him feel different.

I like remembering who he was. Thanks

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

shaq=ignorance

My condolences, sorry to hear of your loss.

__________________
Tenacious D, the other white meat

LewisCouch

I lost my youngest brother nine years ago to AIDS, and like yourself was present when he passed. My empathy for you is strong, the pain is almost too much to bear sometimes at first, however, you will get by as death is just part of the circle of life.

Rejoice in the memories you have of your brother and know that the pain you are experiencing now will always be with you to remind you of the strong bond and love you have in your heart.

Be well, things will become easier in time.

__________________
"The gift of liberty is like that of a horse, handsome, strong, and high-spirited. In some it arouses a wish to ride; in many others, on the contrary, it increases the desire to walk."

-- Massimo d'Azeglio

bryanzera

Sorry to hear about your loss. Just give it time. Much love.

Balaniki

My mother died this past January. She wasn't feeling well, went to the hospital because she was dehydrated and she had a heart attack and died. I was lucky in that my husband and I visited with her at noon the day she died. We were laughing and joking and she was felling pretty good.

Her death was a major blow to myself and my family. My parents had been married over 50 years.

I spent most of February in a fog. Only went to work half the time, cried ALOT, totally messed up my stomach with too much alcohol and not enough food and felt awful.

My husband was my rock. Without him I don't know if I would have made it through that month.

My biggest advice - go see someone. A counselor, a therapist, a shrink - call them what you will. It made a world of difference for me!

Also helped me realize that I was suffering from depression - and it dated back long before my mother died.

Talk to your husband. Ask him to come to the therapist with you. Help him to understand that the emotional injury to your mind is the same as a serious injury to your body. It will take time to heal.

Good luck.

__________________
Balaniki

"Everyone should have something to believe in.
I believe you should keep your beliefs to yourself."

lurkette

Thanks to all of you who have shared your own stories - I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope it helps you to be able to share it here. I'm glad there's hope for better times.

And I'm just blown away by the love and compassion this community has to offer to total strangers. It's such a gift, and it leaves me very touched. Not just what you've shown me, but other people in other forums as well. Thank you.

I am in cognitive behavior therapy now, and was for about 4 months before this happened - I was having panic attacks and mild depression. I'd made so much progress, and I can't imagine where I would be now if I hadn't dealt with a lot of the stuff I'd dealt with in therapy in those few months. I have a great therapist who's helping me through this, though I may start trying to see him more frequently, just for now.

I think he's realized that - he's never been through anything like this, and it maybe just took him some time to get over his own fears and sadness. He's been much more understanding recently. And I don't think it's coincidence that I've been feeling much better, too, recently. It helps to just have the room to be however I am. I had quite a few good days where I enjoyed doing stuff, and could think of Josh and laugh instead of bursting into tears. That said, I followed it up with a few days of weepy funk. I guess that's just how it's going to be for a while - good days and bad days. I'm tempted to try to "drive" things, to try to control how I'm feeling, but maybe for now I should just go with it and let it be.

Thanks again, everyone. All of your stories and experiences and advice are very much appreciated.

P.S. I happened to be out late tonight checking out the Harry Potter madness with a friend of mine. On the way home we passed a kid hitchhiking. I don't ordinarily pick up hitchhikers but I saw that he had a skateboard and I HAD to stop. Very nice kid who was working late and missed the bus and had a 3-hour walk home along busy, badly lit roads with no sidewalks. I was glad I was able to help and get him home safe. I know it would have made Josh proud of me. Just wanted to share that. Makes me feel a little closer to him.

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

RoloTomassy

My older brother by four years was killed in a car accident just before his 21st birthday. That was in March of this year. I still havn't gotten over it (and I never will), but what helps the most is just remembering all the fun I had with him. I was always with him, so I also lost one of my best friends. We had gone on a cruise together right before his death, so we were closer than ever. I actually was with him that last night. Anyway, like I was saying, just remember all the good times. The hurt never leaves, and you'll always remember them, but just try to think of them doing the stuff they loved to do. Try thinking about their smile when they were having fun (for instance, if think about your brother skateboarding). I don't know if that will help you, but I know I can't help but smile (sometimes sadly, but more happy times than not) when I think of my older brother.

rweiss005

My condolences. I can only tell you something my father told me a long time ago, which has helped me deal with some rough times in my own life. To wit: the loss of your brother will always hurt, every time you think of it, without fail. Over time, though, the length of time between each instance of thinking about it will get longer. Put simply, it won't hurt less, just less often.

Leave some room in your life for that hurt, and when it comes, don't fight it. Just have faith that over time it'll come less often, and the painful blazes will be overshadowed by happier memories of good times you shared.

lurkette

2 months today. Typing from bed through tears.


If you don't mind, listen to/sing "Uncle Fucker" from the South Park Movie in his honor. We used to sing it to each other and that was one of his nicknames for me. He'd get a kick out of it. Thanks.

Oh, and drink a Mike's Hard Lemonade. He loved those.
Cheers.

*sniffle*

__________________
"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."

- Anatole France

Lebell

Sigh,

Time will help, but you will always miss your brother.

My deepest sympathy and prayers

__________________
"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience." – C. S. Lewis

The ONLY sponsors we have are YOU!

Please Donate!

gonadman

My deepest sympathies lurkette

I lost my best friend, my sister 7 years ago. She was 38.

You never get over it, you just go on with life. Slowly, very slowly, the ragged edges of the wound heals, but it always hurts.

My heart goes out to others who have experienced similiar losses. Even at this point, I think its a rare day that I don't think of her, but the memories now tend to bring more smiles than tears

Hang in there. Life can be so harsh at times, but then again it can be so beautiful. You were blessed to have known and loved such a wonderful person

__________________
For me there is only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to traverse its full length. And there I travel, looking, looking, ...breathlessly.
-Carlos Castaneda

BlueBongo

If you think about the happier times and not dwell on death, I have found this most comforting when dealing with this.

I have lost a lot of family this year and it is hard... I sometimes wonder and try to think what my last visit with them was like and smile looking through pictures.

I lost a very close friend of mine, not to death.. but to accident and horrible brain damage. It feels like he died, not really know who I am when I randomly call ... hearing his mom try to tell him who I am repeatedly.. trying to remind him of Arizona and the times we have shared. It's like I lost a part of my life....

I do wish you the best in coping with this, I know it is hard. I have not lost someone extremely close to me to death.... but just remembering the best times through photo's helps me out and makes me smile.

*hugs* and even more *hugs*

__________________
"Things can only get so bad before they have no choice but to get better.."

Shades

My brother is 26, a year and a half older than me. I missed him terribly when he went to college before me, and soon he'll be going to California for a job. Losing him would be the biggest blow of my life. I don't think the hurt will ever go away so much as scar over. I wish you all the luck. If it won't offend you, I will also pray for you.

SyN/AcK

With any loss, it is always a process. I will not lie to you and tell you it will get better fast. This is the kind of thing that you'll have your good days and your bad days. Eventually, this whole tragedy will hopefully make you and your family stronger.

MSD

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I know how it is to lose a close family member, it's been less than a year since my father died. Time heals all wounds, but time alone is not enough. Do things with friends and family, get your mind off the subject when it's too much to think about.

You will feel better, eventually, the pain starts to fade and the good memories stand out above all else.

MSD

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am the thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint in the snow.
I am the sunlight on the ripened grain.
I am the autumn's gentle rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush.
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there,
I did not die.

StormBerlin

I'm really sorry, I don't know what I would do if my brother died. Just hang in there and lean on your fam for support and let them do the same. I guess thats all I can offer for the time being. I really am sorry.

__________________
"if anal sex could get a girl pregnant i'd be tits deep in child support" Arcane

bobw

See only the "good" things... and by that I mean the memories, etc. Every time you feel that sad feelings, switch your thoughts to a good memory... keep doing this over and over.

Also, if you believe in the concept of heaven, see it this way... your brother, who sounds like he was very intellectual, and who you will be re-united with some day, now has access to every answer to every question he could have ever imagined.... and imagine how fulfilled would that have made him while he was here...

scoobydugan

I am deeply sorry aboutt the loss of your brother! I hope everything returns to normal for you as soon as possible