The Longest Thread Ever!

[skier]

I lent her my car. She wrecked it. But I loved her. I rented an apartment for us and she didn't pay her way. But I loved her. She used our apartment to blow some other guy while I was working. I used to love the way she'd blow me.

Now she's still going to school (year after year) and blowing guys for rent.

Least she found something she's good at.

[skier]

I stepped off the bus this evening, same time as I do every other evening. Not much was different than any other night. Except for maybe the temperature. And my usual bus ride companion did not show up for work tonight.

I took a cigarette out of my pack and put it in my mouth. As I closed the pack, I saw that I was running low. “time to shell over another $8.50” I said in my mind. I stowed the free cigarette behind my ear and walked toward the only open store in the strip mall across from my apartment.

As I walked, I noticed a well groomed man across the street, slamming his fist into the Toronto sun newspaper box, trying to get a free paper no doubt. He banged a few times, but then gave up and ran across the street towards me. I stepped quickly out of his path so that he could get to the newspaper box on my side of the street. Again, this man proceeded to slam his fist into lock mechanism on this different box.

“You have to pay for them, you know?” I said to him. He glanced at me briefly. A look of desperation on his face. Gritting his teeth.

“No change” he said.

I dug into my pockets and brought out 2 quarters and fed the paper box in front of him. He quickly ripped the door open, grabbed the last paper inside and ran awkwardly back across the street, Uttering the word ‘Thanks’ under his breath as he shuffled along.

I felt a little dejected. Not really that I was hopping for anything more than the word thanks. But I was interested as too why he was so desperate to get a ‘Toronto Sun’ newspaper, which is just as bad to read as the weekly supermarket tabloids. But hey, who am I to question. I read that trash as well when there isn’t anything else to hold my interest.

I continued on my way to the store for my cigarettes. The whole journey took about 2 minutes before I was back at my starting location. The cigarette I propped behind my ear was now lit in my right hand. I walked slowly to my building, enjoying my smoke. Totally forgetting that I just dumped close to $10 in the support of my filthy habit.

I got to the front steps of the building. I still had more than half a smoke left, so I decided to sit and finish it.

Now I know smoking is supposed to kill a lot of our sense of taste and smell. But when it comes to smelling shit, you smell it full force. I quickly check the bottom of my shoes to make sure I did not step in a big dirty pile of dog excrement. These were my dress / work shoes. (there is a big hole on the side of one of them… very classy) and I would have been upset if I had to go upstairs and scrub them clean for tomorrow. But alas, my shoes were clean.

I suddenly heard the slight sound of crinkling paper not too far away from where I was standing, Off in the bush. I paid it no mind. I was too busy being disgusted by the horrible odor that my nose was witnessing. I flicked what was left of my cigarette in the direction of the bush and headed inside. I heard a slight yelp of pain. I turned to see the well kept man who was in desperate search of a newspaper less than 5 minutes ago, running from the bush, tugging his pants up over his pasty white ass with one hand. The other batted at his hair, extinguishing the orange sparks from my cigarette butt.

“what the fuck’ I said out loud. I watched him run up the street and out of sight.

I walked back down the steps to where the man ran out of. And there I found the newspaper I had bought for the stranger. Most of it lay open on the ground. A large clump of human excrement lay down the spine of the paper. Other pieces of the paper were bunched up in wads and had appeared to be used to wipe himself. I laughed out loud at the sight of this.

On my way up in the elevator, I thought to myself. “why didn’t he grab a copy of ‘employment news’ or one of the other free newspapers that were in a box beside the Toronto Sun.”

I don’t think I will ever know. Unless I see him again tomorrow.

[skier]

So I was manic and having my mother ask me questions to the Jung Typology Test, when I suddenly decided I didn't want to be doing it any more. The next question was: "You find it hard to be engaged in an activity

that requires your continuous attention" I think she answered it without me responding.

I wish I had some pot.

[skier]

When I was a little girl I was sitting on my mothers lap while she and my older sister chatted...My mother sneezed and said, " Oh my! " and promptly placed me down whilst running to the bathroom. She came back and asked my sister if it "ever happened to her" they both became all knowing and I am like what the fuck? I honestly thought they both shat their pants on a regular basis or something (I was like 9) Now I finally know...when you have your period and you sneeze: some sort of vortex.

[skier]

I'm at the neighbors for a Christmas party, and go to use their bathroom. Upon entering I notice a huge turd floating in the toilet. Somebody else's turd. I flush, and the thing does lazy circles on the top of the water, refusing to go down. More flushes, same result.

Someone knocks on the door. "Just a minute, please." My face turns red. There's nothing in the bathroom to push it down with. I start to panic.

I wrapped my hand in toilet paper, and it a well-coordinated move, flushed with one hand and plunged the turd with the other.

I immediately went home thereafter, took a scalding hot shower, and drank a half bottle of vodka by myself.

[skier]

so i was getting it on with my girlfriend way back when, when suddenly my cell started ringing. i simply reached down from the bed and switched it off.

a minute later, her little brother (aged 13) stormed into the room, demanding to know whether a friend of mine (whom he tremendously liked) just called. we yelled at him to get the fuck out.

yet another minute later, her mother came in, steaming, demanding to know why we were yelling obscenities at her kid son.

=>

1.) always seal yourself into a nuclear bunker before doing your girl.

2.) make sure to cut the phone line to the bunker.

3.) if you should ever have to completely fold up your boner while still inside the girl, have her rabid mother break into the bunker. immediate erectile dysfunction guaranteed.

4.) if the bunker is owned by her parents, you're likely to never again see it from the inside (and if she is rather well-protected, the same applies to seeing HER from the inside, too)

[skier]

My dad said the most intelligent thing I've ever heard him say last night:

"This is a time in a teenager's life where he holds high ideals before they become cynical . . . and you are clearly ahead of the curve."

Damn straight.

[skier]

I'm the only female in a house full of guys. Four sons and

a husband. I'm the only one who would be using Female

products.....correct? A peculiar thing was happening at my

house.

Tampons were disappearing! A few months ago I went to my

cupboard to get out a tampon,and there was only one left.

I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before.

So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about

it. Next month I go back to the cupboard...and again...there

is only one tampon left again. What's going on? Gremlins?

I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it.

I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and at

the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators

and the tampons themselves. I am starting to freak! What are

they doing with them?

I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult

and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running

through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved

up in the bank for major therapy?" I go to the top of the

stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "come here!"

They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring

into the bottom of their closet. I said "What are you doing

with those? Those are mine!"

My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well,

Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff... and

those make really good scud missiles...What do you use them

for?" To which I replied: "Never Mind! Go Play!"

[skier]

I tried to avoid feeling dirty after sleeping with him, telling myself, "it's not like he gets around, he's not exactly a ladies man... how many girls could he have fucked?"

Then I realized that the girls who would fuck him were probably skanky, and they were the ones who got around.

Y'know, just like me.

[skier]

once i had a dream that i was a guy. i had this nice penis and some nice, hairy balls. and i raped a guy friend of mine in the ass. he was crying like a little baby, but man, it felt good.

i still masturbate to this dream.

[skier]

One night after the bar, me and a couple of guys went to the Perkins for bottomless coffee. Between the three of us, we must have drank at least 10 big pots of coffee until 6 am - then we finally went home to go to sleep.

Right. Sleep.

[skier]

The Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual Organisatoin at my uni in Georgia had a "Wear jeans if you're coming out" day. Ha ha ha ha to all the uptight homophobic bigoted bible-loving redneck fuckheads who freaked out that day...

[skier]

I've decided that if given a choice between world peace and getting instant gratifying revenge on everyone who has ever wronged me or pissed me off, all you fuckers are going down.

[skier]

last night while we were comming off of cactus, actually we were well over the peak and still just had a little body fry, we ordered pizza. we still had some cactus juice left over, so i told my friends roommates (who were sober) that i was going to offer it to the pizza guy. i open the door with a beer in my hand, and the pizza guy is some white guy with dreads. i imediatly ask him if he wanted to trip on some mescaline and he says, sure why not. then he goes on to say how people only offer him pot/lines/alcohol but never any psycadellics. we make him pound this foul tasting substance and we tell him that he's gonna start feeling strange in about 2 hours. he said thats cool.

mission successful. i fed the pizza guy weird drugs that he's never had before. i wouldn't trust us, but he did. that guy is cool as fuck in my book.

we called the pizza place about an hour and a half later and asked if John the pizza delivery guy was there, the chick on the phone said no. so i told her to tell him when she sees him, that "the kids from apartment 127 wanted to call and see how he was doing."

[skier]

Talking to a friend whom I hadn't spoken with for close to six months. He decided he had found god at his girlfriend's father's memorial service. He said it had done scores of good for him. Without realizing it, I said out loud, "I have to get out of this town and do something before I give up and find god". I had been tactful up until that point. Oops.

[skier]

the family came to visit and we hit up one of the many popular texmex joints. i ordered a mexican martini (cos they're so fucking good) and my dad elbows me and says, "Do you know what the rule about martinis is?"

"?"

"They're like breasts. One is too few and three is too many."

[skier]

victoria's secret "extra small" underwear is too big for my skinny ass.

luckily i can buy a 10 pack of panties in girls' size Ten from Kmart that fit me perfectly, and they're dirt cheap.

plus, they're making really sexy underwear for twelve year old girls these days...

[skier]

freshman year of high school, i'm in Phoenix for this national high school journalism convention. the first day, i eat something that doesn't agree with me, and spend the night puking.

hoping breakfast will help, a few of us head out in the morning for some grub. half-way across a busy intersection, i feel the urge.

i sprint back to the garbage can on the corner and begin heaving my guts out to the horror of everyone parked in front of me waiting for the green light. finished up and cruised in for breakfast.

ended up filling up the hotel garbage can with vomit that day.

years later, i still regret not leaving that trash can in front of the girls' room down the hall, for them to find

[skier]

so we're bored as hell on a sunday evening in the summer. somebody finds a case of coke cans and golf clubs, so, being the dumbass college kids that we are, we start swinging away at the *thorroughly* shook up cans. this is all well and good, but the explosions are simply dissapointing. somebody finds a can of axe, and decides that it would be a good idea to take a swing at it. we see what he is about to do just in time to find cover.

The ER Dock said that was the first time he ever had to dig a shard of aluminum out of a patients scrotum.

[skier]

I'm standing in a mosh at a Reel Big Fish concert.

A little "raver" girl behind me screams out "Chinese orgasm!" and starts to squeal loudly.

Somehow, I don't see the connection between punk music and an Asian person's climatic sexual moment....

[skier]

I was about 7-8 years old when my mom asked me if I knew where my Play-Dough factory toy is: With this toy you applied pressure on a lever to squeeze out Play-Dough out of one of many changable formed shapes-- hearts, a plus sign, etc. Kinda like having a toothpaste tube squeeze out toothpaste in different shapes. Pretty messy toy, too.

Anyway, I couldn't find it. My mom made me look for it some more. I thought this was odd because she never asked where *any* of my toys were, much less this one. And it sure was odd that I couldn't find this one toy that she requested for me to find... And just as odd she had a wicked gleam in her eye as she saw my confusion. I filed that look away for future processing.

After a lot of confusion on my part, I admitted to her that I couldn't find it. I was punished for "losing" this toy with a light spanking and being grounded for the weekend.

Thirty years later I know she deliberately threw the toy away, took pleasure in my scurrying around to find it, and enjoyed punishing me for the "loss" that she caused. Gotta maintain discipline with the kids, no matter what. That's my mom.

bitch.

[skier]

One of my favorite generational shibboleths is when older folks are relating an anecdote of a sexual nature and they'll stop to point out that "this was before we knew about aids." Well duh, grandpa, if you had a swinging sex life 25 years ago I am not thinking about the sex you had last week.

[skier]

Bought a pair of shoes I really couldn't afford. Realized I needed the money, so two days later purposely broke the strap and returned them for being "defective."

[skier]

Working retail I'm always asked for discounts on stuff. This instance was no different. I glanced over the merchandise to determine how much off I'd take. It was ten dollars, so I decided to take two dollars off.

"Two dollars?! That's it? At least give me the standard ten percent. Two dollars is nothing!"

What can I say? The customer is always right.

[skier]

I have to say, the vehelmency and vicious sincerity - the complete passion in the eyes of a person telling me how much they cant stand Britney Spears or one of those boy bands - the raw pink in the face near trembling vitality of it.

It seems so much closer to getting off then anyone Ive ever witnessed saying how much they like them.

Theres a reason to seek fame - the notion not that you'll be adored and masturbated over by adoring worshipers but that people will lean all hot and sweaty at other people in hallways and across tables saying how much you suck and how much they fucking cant stand you. Then masturbating over you later anyway.

Hit me baby one more time.

[skier]

WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL?!

i'm in a public library....and there are children fucking screaming. It's not yet 11am and there are children who should be in fucking school walking around the damn library. who in the hell gave these kids permission to speak or be here?! ITS A LIBRARY! I'm trying to slack off and get a bit of reasearch done and kids are fucking yelling. when i was a kid if i even talked in a library it was a beating for me. i think i breated to loud. beating. NO WONDER THE DAMN KIDS ARE SO LOUD! the parents are pussys. BEAT your fucking children or i'll do it for you. damn kids these days not being beaten. I blame this as the source for bad television, pop music and rap. fucking kids.

[skier]

I don't have any way to measure the amount of Tang I put in my water. And instead of a scoop, I uh, pour the Tang directly into a homemade paper funnel.

Sometimes I overpour and it's way too orangey. Sometimes I underpour and it just tastes like ass.

In both situations, I'm far too lazy to do anything about, so I just choke it down.

Tang and Oreos. Yeah, I'm gonna raise my kids on this shit.

[skier]

How Soon We Forget...

There's a box been gathering dust for the last three years in a corner of my computer room.

I can't remember what's in it, so I open it up.

It's my CD collection! All of it!

I had the same feeling once when I opened a heavy box full of dusty, scratched 78rpms.

But what to do with these?

I calculate, and realize I can fit all of them into 80Gig of hard drive space.

That's about $70 worth of space, these days.

I can see I have a long ripping session ahead of me...

[skier]

Helium Shoes

At the dinner table, I show my fiancée my new sneakers, and mention that they're very light.

She hefts one: "Wow, nice, but nowhere near as light as my dad's helium shoes."

Me: "???"

She: "When I was 10, my Dad came home with a pair of really light shoes. He explained that the manufacturer injected compressed helium into them, so they weighed almost nothing."

Me: "Compressed helium?" I look over at her Dad (LowBrow keyword: "You've been fucking my daughter!"). He hasn't accepted me at all yet, but at least he has the grace to blush and avert his eyes.

Me: "Annie. Why would compressed helium be lighter than air?"

Across the table, Dad loses it. Twelve years later, somebody found him out. Annie is stricken. It was one of her favourite childhood stories.

[skier]

My girlfriend just dumped me because my wife is a $300 an hour hooker.

Yes, she's hot, and yes, she makes a fortune, but she's a total asshole.

The wife, that is.

Is unfettered access to lots of cash worth it?

[skier]

I gave my wife syphilis for Christmas.

It was a cute little stuffed toy, representing Treponema pallidum, the microbe that causes syphilis. It's snake-like, coiled, pink with little eyes. It comes with a card attached so that there is no mistaking what it is supposed to be.

I gave it to her just so that I could say to everybody we know, "I gave my wife syphilis for Christmas."

[skier]

the saddest day of my life:

i realized i genuinely don't enjoy orgasming.

i don't know why; i just don't. i haven't told my boyfriend yet, though... i figure i should get something in return for all that head i give.

[skier]

Okay. So these guys move in next door to me. They smoke, I smoke, we hang out.

One of them, the owner of the new place, is old. Not old old, 40's old (I'm 21 as I write this).

He's got kids, ranging in age from 8 to 17.

The 17 year old he has never called by any name but Shithead.

So one night, we're sitting around, drinking beers, smoking, yadda yadda. The 17 year old had gone to bed about an hour before. Out of nowhere the guy breaks conversation to lean his head back and scream "SHIT HEAD!".

After a few trys the kid comes walking out of his room, in sweatpants, rubbing his eyes. Obviusly just woken up from a good sleep.

He walks in and asks his dad what he wants.

The guy looks to the fridge about 10 foot away and then back to the kid.

"Shithead. Beer me."

Kid does so and goes back to bed.

The guy picks up the conversation where he left off.

Wow.

[skier]

Look lady, if you don't want dirty old bastards such as myself, learing at your teenage daughter, then you shouldn't parade her around town dressed like a hooker.

[skier]

she slept sandwiched, he and I on either side.

I caressed her shaved warm wetness while she slept and deftly slid inside. She moaned and rolled towards me, realizing it was the wrong guy.

It was fine with her, except for my Italy-bound girlfriend.

He slept on.

[skier]

Just spent $400 of the company's money to get a Palm Tungsten C with Wifi, spent another $600 for a "corporate approved" wireless router, several hours of time spent by our IT department to set it all up ... so I can read lowbrow while sitting on the company's toilet wasting time.

[skier]

A bunch of couples go skinny-dipping at a friend's pool one night. The water was murky when we got in because of an algae bloom, but unknown to us our friend had "shocked" the pool with chemicals just before we got it in.

A few hours later, everyones drunker and louder. Our friends' teenage daughter comes home from a date and walks up to the pool. Little did we know the water had now completely cleared up. "Mr. _____, you're not wearing anything?!?"

It's the closest I've come to feeling like a degenerate swinger.

[skier]

A friend of mine just told me over the phone that when he ejaculates, it can make a distance of over two metres.

He said to me, you know that Fat Boy Slim song, "You've Come a Long Way, Baby?"

I think our friendship has just reached a new level.

[skier]

I was with this guy and he had the biggest dick I have ever seen.

He then asks me "Do you think it's an ok size? I'm always worried it's a little small. I'm too scared to compare with other guys." I honestly think this guy was genuine, he had no idea he had a massive dick.

I told him it was ok, didn't let on how big it really was, in case I ended up dating him, I didn't want him having an ego about it.

Am I going to hell for that?

[skier]

3000

Yeah baby