The Longest Thread Ever!

[skier]

the night that i became "that guy" (although i am a girl)

i drank too much and tried to show a bunch a people this "trick" with a beer bottle cap where you rub it on the wall and it sticks. turns out it only sticks to cement-style dorm room walls, not the nice drywall ones. what it does do is leave a big streak of paint from the bottle cap on the wall. everyone went from laughing to staring as i tried to rub it off, but ended up rubbing off the top layer of paint in a spot at eye level, exposing the different colored pain beneath. i never partied at that kids house again.

[skier]

So I'm 15 years old and lying in bed around midnight when I hear my mother and father talking in their room.

They'd been out that evening, and my dad sounded pissed about somebody who'd nearly hit him at an intersection or something.

Idling eavesdropping on this conversation, I hear my mother say "Let me make you feel better", and next thing I know I'm listening to her give my dad a blow job.

Needless to say, five seconds later I was out of bed with my ear against the wall, jacking off furiously.

Probably shouldn't have brought up my dad's near-accident at breakfast the next morning, though...

[skier]

Do you know how much fun it is to fuck with people?

I work in a Computer Laboratory on campus. Tonight I signed into one of the PCs at the beginning of my shift. Seems some idiot (Hello AJ31185!) left their AIM account signed in, which always serves to piss me off.

The first person to message me was named "Vyndictive". Eventually, Vyndictive asks me whether or not I want "this job" (not mine, the guy whom he thought I was) and I tell him, "fuck no." Then he says, "you're fired" and I tell him, "Well, that's vindictive." (I wonder if he got it). He logs off.

Partway through the above conversation, someone else on the list messages me, Cohen or something like that. I start off by telling him I'm fucking with someone's account that left them self signed in, unintentionally. He thought that was hilarious, until he realized that I wasn't his buddy, and that his buddy was currently unaware of my hijinks involving his account. Then the hypocrite has a nerve to tell me that I should "buy a bullet and rent a gun" over an insignificant AIM account. The next 3 lines I reply to him, he responds with "gay" -- sans capitalization or punctuation. I ask, "You've a fine grasp of the English language, don't you?" His response? "yup"

As I'm about to sign off, the person whose account I'm on, logs in. So in that window that pops up to log yourself off from a remote location, I type "1" and hit enter. I managed to log off the owner 3 or 4 times before he or she gave up. While that's going on, this window pops up with a greeting from someone with yellow text on a bright pink background, so you know it's a girl. I answer, "sup slut", then with "whatever bitch, I'm out", and I logged off.

The lowbrow moment? It was so much fun, I logged onto the other 24 computers in the lab to find someone else who hadn't signed out just to fuck with them.

[skier]

I used to work with this girl, who told me this story about her mother and her mothers boyfriend. She came home one day from work and as she opened the door she heard a little scream. When she looked in she saw her mothers boyfriend sitting on the couch with no pants and her mother on her knees in front of him.

When she saw her daughter, all her mother could do was laugh, with a big cummy grin on her face.

People from Sudbury are fucked up

[skier]

boys, quit bitching about girls not shaving their bush. it's natural and the other alternatives hurt like hell.

brazilian wax? the most painful thing i've ever encountered.

and don't even suggest shaving. you know the itchy feeling you get when you grow a beard? imagine that between your legs.

besides, it keeps us warm in the winter.



nasty. All girls that happen to read this thread, ignore this advice

[skier]

Every time i walk my dog really late at night, and there is no wind, or traffic or any other sounds, i hear him shit and thats disgusting

[skier]

My mother and I were out to dinner, sharing idle conversations. The conversation drifts towars the problem I've been having with my jaw lately. I think I have TMJ, and it tends to lock and pop every now and then.

My mother gets this weird look on her face, then covers her mouth as she tries not to laugh.

I just smirk, and say "Yeah, it's a great excuse to use from time to time."

[skier]

My friend made the comment that no one likes a know-it-all.

Suddenly I realized why so many don't like God.

[skier]

The other day, I was watching Saved By The Bell before work.

It was the episode that involved a Sock-Hop at the school, which featured the regular cast as a 50's style singing group.

It's at this point that my wife emerges from the nearby bathroom, curling iron in hand, to comment, "I think it's funny that there are like five episodes where they have bands or musical groups, but then there's the episode where they try to rig the choir contest by playing a tape cuz they all can't sing."

Blew my fucking mind.

[skier]

When you see a little tiny pre-fab, or a trailer, with literally tons of Christmas decorations on the yard, in the trees, in the windows, on the roof, the mailbox, etc. you have to admire their dedication.

You also have to seriously wonder where they store it all. I have seen volumes of crap that I know would not fit in cubic space of the buildings on the property.

Do these people actually rent storage space?

[skier]

Yesterday I shit with such fury that the force from my ass caused the toilet to flush on its own.

God damn I was proud...still am, actually.

[skier]

Yet More Biker Joe

This is too easy. The guy is dead, and absolutely pure LowBrow.

"I Just Want To Fuck You One More Time",

by Biker Joe Warren:

Yes I know, before you go,

I'm gonna miss you,

A good piece of ass is hard to find.

Before you leave home, and go out on your own,

I just want to fuck you, one more time.

(Chorus): One more time, I'd like to stick my pecker in you,

Even if it's just a quickie, I don't mind.

...etc Next verse.

There is no need to cry 'cos you're leavin', you're mother and me, we ain't blind,

We both knew that someday, you would go your way, and I just want to fuck you one more time.

(chorus)

[skier]

I am 25 years old. And I have no idea of responsibilty. But the only thing that keeps me going is that i am not like those roadie grunge fucks that will follow Phish or Widespread Panic to the ends of the earth selling grilled cheese for $1, and askig for free drugs.... my life could be worse. When will the bubonic plague hit these shows from these dirty "natural" motherfuckers?

[skier]

This girl who was my best friend for the better part of a year stopped talking to me one day and now hates me. I never did anything to her. So I took the Sim family of us living together, and I built a tower in the back yard, and I locked her in it till she died.

[skier]

There's nobody in the world I want a blowjob from more than Monica Lewinsky. It would be an honor and a privelege to stick my cock in the same warm, slutty ho(le) that the leader of the free world stuck his. Plus, this chick is a walking blow job.

Everybody was put on this planet to do something, and Lewinsky was put here to suck dick . So, I figure, she must be pretty good at it.

[skier]

I've been having lots of sex dreams about Jon Stewart lately. Instead of talking dirty, we just talk about politics. "Oh YES, keep talking about Tom Delay and his impending indictments, that's right..."

[skier]

I think most of America is missing the point of the Catholic Church's scandal.

The point is, the Catholic Church has always told us the truth, about this, and about life on this planet in general:

Sex with the young has always been good.

[skier]

Before I woke up this morning I had a dream in which someone promised to wake up for me so I didn't have to.

"Oh, thanks. That's pretty nice of you."

So when the alarm started beeping, I shut it off. Then 5 minutes or so later I realized nobody was going to wake up and live my life for me, after all.

It was kind of a downer.

[skier]

A friend of mine recently called to complain about being so hugely pregnant she can no longer masterbate comfortably. All I can think is, well if you had been doing more of that in the first place instead of being such a dumb tramp, you would not be in that predicament.

That and I am sure as fuck glad I can still masterbate.

[skier]

At work I have one of those amazing, ergonomically correct Herman Miller chairs. All these bells and whistles that prevent my back from turning into the letter Q while I slave away at my computer for 14 hours a day.

The only thing I care about is that the seat is made of nylon webbing fabric that lets my farts pass through without holding onto a single scent molecule.

I love modern technology.

[skier]

so i wanted to know if i was into chicks. it was an experimental phase for me. I met this chick online and we met at a cafe and then..you know..

so im sitting there naked smoking a cigarette and shes lying on the bed watching tv and i start laughing

i realize that i know her

she was my 6th grade english teacher

[skier]

In elementary school I got hit in the eye with a skipping rope. I had to have an eyepatch for 2 weeks. A day after I got it off I ran into a stick (you know, the ones on trees) and had to get another eyepatch. Needless to say I was a pirate for halloween the year.

[skier]

Once I told my friend that the wad of wasabi was actually guacamole so that I could watch the waitress try to run in a tight kimono.

She was only able to bring two glsases of water before she couldn't run anymore.

[skier]

In the '70s, the father of this guy I used to know was in college. He slept with lots of chicks, & one of them gave him crabs. He tried everything to get rid of them but couldn't. One day, he tried spraying his crotch with Raid. The only thing that actually worked, go figure.

A word to the wise, however: judging from his kid, genital contact with Raid does some scary shit to your sperm.

[skier]

Stopped at Wendy's for dinner on the way back to school. Standing in line saw a brown rat crawl over some cute little girls white shoes.

Abruptly left without making a scene. None of my business to alert my fellow patrons to the unsanitary conditions of their local eatery.

Went across the street to Taco Bell. 2 chalupas and a Coke. Tasted yummy. Hour later i'm back at the dorm with the worst diarreah i've ever had in my life.

Beware the cosmic karma of the fast food industry

[skier]

Reading the News Journal yesterday and it went something like this:

'Delaware's Ruth Ann Minner and several state and nation officials declared wednesday that counterfeit merchandise like Kate Spade knockoff's and stolen or burned DVD's are being bought at an alarming rate. The proceeds of all of these sales from street vendors are going to the Al-Qaeda.'

The article went on to say that people should stop buying stolen or pirated merchandise and that buying american is the way to go. That's great. A reputable newspaper just lied about street vendor sales to boost american profit.

Have you ever noticed how every single American Pride shirt out there is either made in China or Malaysia?

[skier]

My g/f introduced me to this Goth guy who looks kinda like the lead singer from The Misfits, only not so...um...well...attractive in any way. At all. He starts talking to her (they know each other), then she says "Have you met my boyfriend, >insert my name here

mandatory 10 second pause

After successfully averting the french fry I was eating from flying out of my nostril, I shook his hand (!) and proclaimed that it was good to meet him.

Apparantly, that's the name he's comfortable with, and I've seen him at work with a nametag that says "Hi, I'm BOOGER! How can I help you?"

My g/f dumped me for him.

[skier]

So, she and I went out after being friends for three years. I took her to a fancy restaurant and we had drinks before dinner, and a bottle of wine with. She was so nice to look at. Oh man.

We took a walk to the river afterward, and sat on this rock under the railing where no one could see us. I pulled out a joint and we smoked and giggled and the sun set into the trees beyond. Talk about romance.

She turned to me at a quiet moment and stared with deeply stoned eyes. Then she said, 'I have to sh*t. I have to sh*t right now.'

I was stoned as I kept guard as she dropped trou, and squatted in the bushes below.

She asked me what leaves looked good to wipe with. I pointed out the rhubarb. She said it was too rough.

She sat back on the rock and I sat beside her. The sky was wonderful.

She began to throw up. Throw up for 2 hours, as I rubbed her back and stared at the sky.

I drove her home and then went to see my friends.

'Where's the girl?'

'I have seen the evil,' I replied, ;and he is me.'

I got more drunk.

She left for medical college, and I still don't know if there is anything between us.

[skier]

I find myself actually repeating moments out loud to people - like it is going to help with my social standing.

"I read online today about a woman that watched some guy lick his own cum out of his belly button."

That is a real water cooler winner.

[skier]

I remember once when I went to my girlfriends house to meet here family for the 1st time.

As I 1st walked in i was saying my hello's as a cute dog walked up. I said hello to the dog and reached my hand down to pet it.

As i reached down to pet the dog it snapped at me and drew blood so I kicked the hell out of it. Her parents never liked me.

[skier]

Karmic Revenge:

Don't you just love it when the bastards and bitches from your elementary and middle school years turn out ugly, on smack, and/or pregnant?

Hey, they did it to themselves. I wasn't the one stuffing coke up their noses or pumping semen up their dirty ho vaginas with no protection--I was just the one who saw it coming.

[skier]

my friend once told me to stop shooting heroin and to stop raping ferrets... needless to say hes not my friend anymore.

[skier]

im late to work, again. i get out of the shower, get half dressed (cuz i hate putting on clothes when im still damp), and sit there in the living room, eating the pasta i had just heated up, in my underwear. my roommate is at her desk, doing her hw. i spill some pasta on my leg, and triumphantly state, "HA! if i was wearing pants, they'd be dirty right now! Take that pasta!"

she looks at me and says, "yea, but now you have to shower again."

i just give her a weird look,as in "heeelllls no, what were you thinking". she shrugs, and goes back to her homework, i go back to eating my pasta half naked.

she lets out a huge belch a few seconds later, and i applaud.

we're super classy.

[skier]

I will not hesitate to fart in a crowded car with the windows up. Because I enjoy seeing how quickly the windows can be rolled down, and gasping heads hung out of them.

[skier]

My bed is legs that put it 3 feet off the ground. I strung christmas lights under it and put down sleeping bags. I constructed an "apparatus" out of a gatorade bottle stuffed with dryer sheets. I light all kinds of scented candles and spray "Ozium" in my room all the time.

Just so I can smoke pot in my room and not get kicked out of college.

[skier]

My chemistry teacher rolled his eyes.

YOU try not laughing at a reel-to-reel about lubricating stopcocks.

[skier]

Reasons Your Current Marriage Should End #9

(not mine - my second wife's first marriage)

Her daughter, then four, goes with her dad to visit his mother.

She's at the stage where she has favourite clothes, and insists on wearing them all the time. Like her current favourite - a striped shirt that her mom can't get off of her long enough to wash it.

The daughter comes back from the trip with an enormous present for her mom, from her dad's mom.

A jumbo box of laundry detergent, with a cute little note: "My granddaughter looks like a dirty little tyke."

[skier]

Into Thick Air

Hitchhiking around Scotland on my own, I joined up with a bunch of Americans toting their inevitable, unenviable 60lb backpacks.

We stayed at the Glen Nevis Youth Hostel, in the imposing shadow of Ben Nevis, the highest mountain in Britain.

4,409 feet doesn't seem like much of a mountain, but it shoots straight up to that height from sea level.

After 3 hours of climbing, with the air going thin and us already past the treeline and into the clouds, it certainly seemed like a mountain.

We were just starting to get impressed with our effort when we were suddenly overtaken by a guy in running shorts

An hour later, with us still two hours from the top, he passed us on his return trip.

Finally at the top, standing at the edge of a sheer, 2,000 foot cliff, we managed to forget about the runner and congratulate ourselves.

Is when a hand appeared over the top of the cliff, followed by a guy who sat down and anchored his rope for his three buddies to climb with.

They coiled their rope, packed up their equipment, and headed down the path, running.

What was left of our pride vanished when we next found the Ford T that somebody had driven up to the top in 1923...

[skier]

a few years ago, in high school, i was once awarded my city's (Stockton, California) Citizen of the Month award.

i bet if the City Council were to find all my posts on here, they'd be very ashamed of their decision.

Fuck 'em, too late now!

[skier]

Every single time I have an orgasm from anal sex/anal foreplay, it's a surprise to me.

Right before, I always mentally cringe, wondering why the fuck I am allowing this to happen.

And then I come, to my absolute and utter shock. (Despite the fact that I do almost every time.) I never expect it, even when I know it's gonna happen.

Anal sex is a wonderful but confusing thing to me.