The Longest Thread Ever!

[skier]

I used to date a girl who ditched me after I spent hundreds of dollars on her because I wasn't "smooth".

Fuck that. I'm suave.

I proved that to my mom last night.

I was set to go out with this one girl, just a friend, and I was wearing khaki pants at the time, and my mother suggested I change my clothes cuz I wouldn't want popcorn grease stains on such nice pantalones.

I quickly explained to my mom that while at the drive-in movie theater, the girl and I would not be wearing any pants.

My mom soundly beat me a dozen times with a pillow.

[skier]

I was having a party at my house, and we made many preparations. I had been looking forward to the party for weeks...it was going to be the best time ever. We were calling it Ganja Fest '04, Part 1. Needless to say, it was going to involve massive amounts of cannabis. Excitement abounded. The day came, people entered.

3 brownies and 2 joints later, I am at the point of no return. I finish a joint and try to put out the roach. In my ridiculously altered state, it proves difficult, and I only manage to get it out after repeatedly banging it against the side of my red plastic cup. This burned a hole in the cup. Everyone watching could not stop laughing. Confused, I left the room.

I returned 5 minutes later, completely honestly perplexed by the fact that there was a hole in my cup. My friends start laughing at me. I accuse them of doing it, and they tell me that it was my fault...they try to explain what happened. But I don't believe it, and I am very saddened by the idea that my friends would play such an evil trick on me, then refuse to tell me the truth about it. I get angrier and angrier at them, and they insist that it was not them.

Eventually I start crying. I go up to my room, lie face down on my bed, and cry myself to sleep, no more than 2 hours into the party.

My parents came home 26 hours earlier than they said they would. They smelled the smoke. I got in incredibly massive amounts of trouble.

And to think of how much I was looking forward to that night...

[skier]

Been there…

I work graveyards. I emailed my mom (who lives in a different city) from work with the subject line saying: Mommy, my bum hurts.

I don't know what's worse though. The subject line or that my email was telling her how the doctor thinks I have hemmorhoids and gave me cream for the problem. She IS my mom and all, but did I really need to email her about my sore ass at 5:20 in the morning?

I wonder about myself sometimes. And yeah, my ass still hurts from sitting for about 12 hrs. at work today probably aggravating my problem

Totally wasn’t roids at all though, luckily never had them

[skier]

So I think I'm the coolest guy in the parking lot after the bar closes and I sit down in a borrowed Mercedes with a coulpe of girls. I am delivering the car to the rightful owner Monday. I hear a tap on the window.

me "Did I do something Officer."

cop "Shut up and get out of the car."

cop "You sold drugs to those guys."

me "What!" "I don't think so!"

cop "We got a smart ass gentlemen."

click-click

Backseat of police cars are not comfortable.

Right out of a FUCKING movie I would'nt of believed it if my life dependend on it.

Never knew the guys the police were talking about.

Sat in a jail cell for ten hours thinking I had been arrested for drugs.

Photo and prints, I am then told I have been arrested for public intoxication.

I swear to GOD this is not exagerated or stretched. I had sold the car that day and wanted to be a bad ass driving it around. This was right out of a Fucking movie. Wrong place Wrong time.

$500.00 bond

$95.00 car impound

One night in JAIL

(PRICELESS)

[skier]

Yesterday morning my girlfriend had sardines on toast for breakfast (evidently very English, so she says); later making love with herring on her breath I got totally confused as to which end was up.

[skier]

Not an hour after the funeral for Joe's dad were Joe and I drinking cheap beer in his basement, discussing the merits of drinking and driving. Joe's dad was pretty cool.

[skier]

The morning after we first slept together, she watched me dressing.

She: "Oh, you have your underpants on inside out."

Me: "Yeah, I prefer these ones that way -- the label has scratchy edges."

She: "Wouldn't it be easier to just remove the label?"

Me, laughing: "Obviously not!"

[skier]

I used to tell an Ex girlfriend that was six feet tall, light skinned black and had freckles that her freckles were the result of a smaller back person trying to poke it's way out.

Man I loved that girl.

[skier]

Last night I was layin in bed having phone-sex with this great guy. Everything was cool. Soon, I started breathing heavier. I guess I was gettin pretty loud. My roomate moved, so we stopped for a bit. I thought she fell asleep.

Next thing I know she gets up and walks out. She didn't come back. Now I know she was awake.

The funny part is, the next day I find out that she went upstairs to my best freinds room and got off with him.

I guess what I was sayin just sounded so good she had to get it too.

[skier]

We had an above-ground pool. It was about 4' tall, so was i.

My older, if not wiser siblings, have taught me to dive in off of the aproximately 3" edge of the pool. If you have ever seen one you know they are damn shifty....

So in I go... or thought, I was going, when my body decided to fling itself the entirely opposite direction, and go hurtling towards the concrete slab that, in all my parents genius, had about 1'5" from the pool.

I don't know that I learned my lesson, but, I did break my arm.

[skier]

My roommate comes home the other night all freaked out because she saw some guy jerking off in the bushes as she walked past.

All I could think was, why does she get to see all the penises?

[skier]

I was told to come here, and tell my story from this morning, so here goes:

This morning, when I was boarding the train to go to work, there was a man who was completely covered in feces. He seemed pretty unaware of his condition, and people were less than pleased. He was barred from one subway car, but was successful in making it into the car I was in. I noticed a weird smell, and then everyone in the subway car shifted to the other end...and it was pretty crowded. I was pretty amazed at his presence...it was horrible, but kind of winning in a morbid way. He was only on for one stop, so the pain was short lived. Luckily there was a man who was outraged, and suggested that this man be put to sleep...surprisingly, a lot of people agreed. It was a special moment in life.

Jeffery Small

[skier]

I buy lunch every day at work from the deli across the street. They always put too many napkins in the bag, so I collect them in my desk drawer. I just noticed today that they've changed their napkins, and that the new ones are a lot scratchier.

I only noticed because I beat at work off three days in a row this week, twice with the old napkins, once with the new.

I need to find a new deli.

[skier]

I didn't have any Salt & Vinegar chips and I was really stoned. Plain potato chips dipped in vinegar don't quite taste as good...

[skier]

We're up in the mountains my brother and me. High up enough, we thought, to get away from the scummy city types.

We round a bend to a little fishing hole on a stream that he knows, and what do we see? About twenty or thirty people of various ethnicity, most of them kids, bathing in the pristine mountain stream.

Cursing under his breath my brother finds a different spot upstream where we procede to spend some time fishing and swimming in a couple of smaller pools in relative solitude.

Then I have to take a shit.

Having no paper, and no facilities, I find a little faster flow of stream between some high rocks and drop my load.

Side note: if you ever get a chance to shit in a gently flowing mountain stream I recommend it. Natures bidet.

With nothing to break it up my turd is around 14 inches long, and yes, its a floater.

As we drive back down past the bathing masses later we can't help but laugh histerically about who found the 'brown trout' that day.

[skier]

last night i stole an empty keg from behind a pub. i got really badly bruised carrying it home since i kept falling over (coz i was drunk of course). we are going to make it into one of those cool steel drums like they have in the caribeean.

[skier]

Random graffiti written in LARGE red letters on the wall of an unused office in the Huge Warehouse O' Computers I nightly monitor:

"CHEETO IS A TWINK -- LOVE, CHRIS"

[skier]

i dont wash my clothes anymore. i just spray febreeze on them and throw them in the dryer. there is just something thrilling about wearing dirty clothes when everyone thinks they are clean. what a rush. after rereading this, i have come to the conclusion that i need a life...or a girlfriend. maybe a combination of both.

[skier]

My hands wouldn't respond to my brain SCREAMING at then to move. they just stayed there clamped to the front of her sweater. I just want to hold on to her expression..it wasn't so much the tits

[skier]

My dog has Lyme's disease coupled with herniated discs from falling off her doghouse. She's now heavily medicated. She was having a fit and my dad tried to comfort her and she bit him in the face.

My poor dad. He has two healing fingertips from cutting them off with a tablesaw, I've seen him get electricuted, he's had three knee operations on one knee and two on the other, he's had neck surgery once, and back surgery seven times, and broken his ankle. Now he's bleeding below his eye and ear as he watches TV and bitterly drinks a beer.

[skier]

So the other guys are rolling some two-paper joints, and taking the sticky from another paper to hold them together. This prompts the female present and myself to have this conversation:

Her: That's so wasteful!

Me: Yeah, God knows, we can't afford all these one-cent papers! Are you nuts?

Her: No, it's not about money, I mean for the environment!

Me: Oh yeah, because everyone knows that wood doesn't grow on trees!

Her: *5 minutes of silence*

...

...

I used to like you.

[skier]

The other day on the way to work someone had vandalized this billboard with one of our idiot newscasters on it, having written "Anal Sex" right on the guy's forehead.

I'd like to buy that guy a beer.

[skier]

Not sure If I was caught or not. Had just finished wanking off and was walking to the bathroom for clean up with my cock hanging out of my jeans. My mom is at the door and asks me what I am doing.

"Going to the bathroom, excuse me"

I dont want to know if she looked down and saw it.

[skier]

"You know, I'm really glad you have a small chest because when I do something for you I know it's because I love you and not because of your boobs."

Thanks babe.

[skier]

Ever get the feeling that youre not alive? that youre not really here? youre stuck in automatic?

I do.

I have to look at my hands and snap back to reality, to realise that this is me, I am here, this is my world and I am in control of how I can react to it, this is my life and I am alive.

I have the need to feel, to be able to feel something, anything, to keep me from the "automatic" stages. So I think about whether or not it would hurt if I hurl myself out of my car at 100km/h, and seriously consider doing it, just to be able to feel it, to know that it hurts, so that I can have the experience to know that yes, its true, it does hurt, and all those stories that people tell you about being hurt by falling out of cars at high speeds is true.

It does hurt.

[skier]

I was at the gym last night.

I'm doing crunches, which I

hate, anyway. The only other

person in the room is this

dumpy, fifty-ish woman.

(also, with the crunching)

Out of nowhere, (technically,

not "nowhere" at all, but

her foul, rotten colon,) comes

the windiest, most putrid

fart ever created.

Horrified, I take it as a sign

from God that it's time to

call it a night.

As I'm leaving, The Hottest

Guy Ever comes into the room.

Says I to him, "It was her."

[skier]

While at a friend's house, I went into the spare room (which is also the friend's sometime-roommate's room) and rummaged through her drawers, looking for a hand mirror, which I needed to use to look at the back of a TV I couldn't turn around.

While going through the drawers, I found two different spoons that were quite obviously used to cook something -- heroin, I guess. There was leftover crap in the bowl of each spoon, and the bottom was all ashed up.

This girl is a really nice, sweet, friendly girl. She's usually stoned, but on pot. It kind of freaked me out to imagine her on smack. I'd like to think that they belong to a friend of hers (who I know enjoys blow and whatnot), but I just don't know.

Say what you like about pot... at least you don't use a spoon.

[skier]

so im giving this guy some stellar head, and hes about to lose it. being that this was the first time hed recieved a blowjob from me, he was trying to be all polite when it came to the moment of truth. he pulled out and let go.... only to let out a groan of DISpleasure ( " AWWW... DUDE!!!"): yes, ladies and gentlement, he had given himself the "money shot". hey, at least he missed his open mouth... thats all i gotta say.

[skier]

I was walking home today after hanging with some friends when some guy pulled up to me and asked for a light.

I gave him my lighter and i saw there were like 3 children sitting in the car.

I thought "you don't smoke near your kids, especially when they're not even 5 years old.

Then it hit me, it wasn't a cig, it was a big, fat doobie that smelled from miles away.

Oh, and he was a foreigner by the way

only in Belgium

[skier]

um i was at victoria's secret at the cash register and the lady was ringing me up and she was bout to print my receipt when she asks me for my number. i stare at her for a second thinking is she seriiious? finally i answered duude.... im not a lesbian... she looked really confused and explained how it was for the computer. i laughed but refused to give her my number.

[skier]

I filled out an application at the fast food joint where the manager is a known perv. Not with my own information, of course. She's going to be so surprised when he calls her up.

Under special qualifications, I put "willing to trade blow jobs for promotion, but I need to be coaxed."

Don't know if it will work, but it was a half hour amusingly spent.

[skier]

One of life's myths:

Some girls just don't do "stuff" in bed.

No, if you make a woman feel like she's a walking goddess, the most important thing on the planet, the most attractive thing you've ever laid eyes on, if you make her feel like she controls you and rules you because you are besotted, infatuated and obsessed with her, if you make her feel as though you will never, ever be a threat to her emotionally,

...not only will she swallow, she'll gargle. And that's just for starters.

[skier]

I just saw a public service announcement on TV. There seem to be a lot of those on when you only watch TV between midnight and 5am.

Anyways, this one was a guy with a little box all wrapped up like a present, talking about how you can't tell what's in the box just by looking at the outside. He then said that people are the same way.

After all this time, i finally understand, and i see that the only way to really know someone is to tear them open with my bare hands and look closely at what's inside.

I feel ever so much better now.

[skier]

I was driving home from a party one night at 4am, pitch black out, and I was completely sober... but for some reason I started hallucinating as though I was high... it was kinda cool until I almost swerved into another car because I thought I was going to hit something that was just in my imagination.

[skier]

I'm laughing at a christian puppet program in one window while beating off to gang bang porno in the other window. I think this means I'm going to Hell.

[skier]

Sign seen in front of homeless guy:

"Saving up for a hooker"

I tossed a quarter in the hat. hey, honesty has to count for something.

[skier]

R. once said to the guy coming by his farmhouse to install the sattelite dish...

"Sorry the house is a mess I've been smoking crack all night."

very nonchalantly.

[skier]

In middle school I remember going to the gym for the DARE program and seeing a slide show on std's. I guess it was their way of intimidating out pre-pubescent bodies into mental and physical celibacy.

One slide stands out in my memory clearly: A picture of a man's nutsack covered in massive yellow boils, or genital warts. The instructor called him "William."

My friend, the same one I buried the porn with later in high school, and I found it so funny we couldn't stop laughing for the rest of the presentation. Why? We thought calling "William"-"Barnicle Bill" instead was the best joke ever conceived.

No one looked at us quite the same after that but I can tell you, good ol Barnicle Bill can still make me pee my pants laughing. Thanks Bill, wherever you are, you bring humor to my life and remind how lucky it is to get laid.

[skier]

Ever seen one of those articles, where the title and/or first sentance is so funny, you figure it can only get worse? I just read one of those.

"Arizona Sheriff applies for $100,000 bond to train monkey for SWAT team."

Enough said.

[skier]

I live in a small port city, fishing's a big industry here.

I LOVE fishermen.

I mean, really. They go away, out to sea, for long stretches of time, couldn't call me or check up on me if they wanted to.

And they invariably return, with sh*tloads of cash to spend and looking for someone to spend it on.

You just got get over the faint yet ever-present odor of haddock guts