The Longest Thread Ever!

[skier]

the chick who cuts my hair

filed for divorce.

she said,

"i got my own apartment,

before i told him that

i was filing"

"nothing says 'goodbye'

like your own apartment",

i told her.

then she rinsed.

[skier]

I read literature, have a fair knowledge of history, politics and art. I carry the responsability of raising a child. I got my teachers degree in English, Dutch and Moral Education. In my free time I've read Plato and have strong opinions on nearly every subject you can name.

But I still think "Dude, where's my car" is the greatest film ever made.

[skier]

I'm over at some friends house watching tv on the night that Iraq invaded Kuwait. We're hitting the bong pretty hard. There's a knock at the door.

Outside, there's this strange skinny guy, kinda like Gollum from the Hobbit story. He wanted to let us know that he parked in front of the house while he was "giggin' for frogs in da' ditch". He told us he knew people got kinda "iffy" about strange cars. He also told us he sold the frogs to local restaurants for froglegs.

I'll never forget where I was the night Iraq invaded Kuwait.

[skier]

mm.

during sex, guys...

make a point to use those cool muscles that make you able to move your penis up and down or whatever.. rather than just thrusting in and out...

drives me wild.

amen! iuhuijk

[skier]

my roommate in the dorms was a bit on the uncool side. he took off with some people to get drunk for the first time, and i stayed in my room to study.

a couple hours later, a very inebriated Tim comes stumbling in with a chick. *Holy SHIT!* thinks I, *Tim's gunna score!*

Then she spoke:

"Tim just tried to run in front of a bus. Make sure he doesn't leave the room."

I always miss the coolest stuff.

[skier]

My son asked me to pick him up from work. He worked for a PR company, using computers. He and another employee had completely destroyed equipment transporting them from one locale to another.

I did what I always do with people I don't know very well. I was diplomatic and witty, smiling at my son's boss and joking with him.

When I was taking my son home, he said, "The boss was really mad at me, mom. That's why I wanted you you pick me up... to make things right."

[skier]

So What Does A Scotsman Really Wear Under His Kilt?

There's always the famous: "How can you tell if he's a true Scot? He has dandruff on his shoes."

But here's the definitive answer:

Female American Tourist at Edinburgh Castle: "Please tell me if anything is worn under your kilt."

Scots Guard: "No, madam. Everything is in purrfect working order."

[skier]

Talking to my cousin, who's now in architecture school, he mentions that it is completely consuming him. He said that he no longers minds being single, his architexture classes are providing him with a totally absorbing focal point in his life. "It's better than any relationship I've had with any woman," he said.

Baked, I pause for a moment in thought.

"Maybe you're archi-sexual?"

[skier]

you know how people ride horses, right? i have always wanted to do the same, except instead of a horse a giant penguin. before you say i am crazy, just think about how cool it would be, riding a penguin through the streets of NYC during a blizzard. and then the bastard decides he wants to slide. come on, how could that not be awesome?

[skier]

i like to pretend to be all flustered and shy when one of my hot girl friends talks openly about sex and masturbation w/ me. she's now sending me pictures of her in a bondage corset and various states of undress... to tease me since it seems to bother me so much.

score.

[skier]

Chris Rock once said he's never met a drug pusher. No one's ever been "pushed" into drugs. You might be offered drugs, but the idea of drug pushing is silly.

In the same vein, I don't consider myself a drug dealer. I'm simply a pharmaceutical availability specialist.

[skier]

Lying next to her, staring into her beautiful face, making sure she was still breathing, the smell of 151 strong on her breath, I realized

I want to marry this girl

[skier]

Dad: oh so he's ugly

Girl: No way, he's cute. I'd so hit it.

Dad: oh no! **face of horror** don't tell your dad that!

[skier]

My mom told me I could use her car to go out. I was so happy. I was so careful. I got home before curfew.

Next day, about 1:00, my mom comes home from the grocery store and berates me about the humongous, bright-red-and-pale-beige booger I wiped on the edge of the driver's-side air vent.

I was proud of it.

[skier]

the conversation degraded rapidly

no man i m telling you she was so horrible in bed she just lay there waiting for me to do her like she was too good to hafta put any effort in that at one point i took her wrist and looked at my wrist like i was checking my watching miming like i was looking for her pulse

she didnt even get the joke

[skier]

In my yougner adolescent days, I thought biker shorts were cool. The neighborhood bullies thought otherwise. They caught me wearing nut hugging biker shorts one day and decided to have some juvenile laughs at my expense. I was chased around the streets until I ran out of breath. The bullies tackled me and pinned my ankles behind my head. One bully says to the other, "Flick the lump! Flick the lump!" My testicles were on the receiving end of 3 painful snapping blows. Needless to say, I no longer think so highly of biker shorts.

[skier]

Curious female wonders: How did I manage to score 4 free drinks at that bar on the lake?

Could it have been:

A) the impressive act of parking a large boat in a tiny corner spot at the pier (a job deserving of the standing ovation I received from onlookers)

B) the fact that my second drink purchaser had just graduated from the college I attend

C) the fact that my third drink purchaser attends the college my sister attends

D) a belated birthday gift (my 21st birthday was a couple weeks prior)

E) the site of my huge boobs in a black string bikini with half of a $20 bill sticking out

Answer: let's be honest... most likely E. Why do you think I put on the bikini? What I'm curious about is who will purchase my next drink?

[skier]

*Welcome to Baltimore*

Today, a man choked to death. At around 9:30 PM yesteday, he was supposedly selling drugs downtown. Confronted by police officers, he proceeded to swallow a bag full of heroin gel caps. He began choking, lost conciousness, was recussitated, punched an officer in the head, screamed obscenities, lost conciousness again, and died at 10:36 PM.

Ahh...city life.

[skier]

B: I feel like such a slut.

Me: Why?

B: I've slept with three people, and I'm only 19.

Me: ...

B: What?

Me: Shut up.

[skier]

When I get my hair cut, especially when they cut the little edges around my ears and the back of my neck, I get this tingling feeling in my whole body. I swear it's almost as good as sex. Feels so good, I'd get my hair cut every day if it would grow fast enough.

[skier]

last night got hammered at a local bar. i left through the backdoor without paying and set off the alarm. when i got to my car, my keyring was empty, meaning my keys had fallen off somewhere in the parking lot. i grabbed the hide-a-key from under the back bumper and drove home badly. i then slept in the backseat until daylight. i woke up and drove back to the bar parking lot to find my keys. i found my car key first, which i now had two of, counting the hide-a-key. i need the goddamn house key! continue hunting for it. take a big, open to the public, daylight piss in the parking lot. found the house keys, drove home, called in sick to work and went to sleep. i'll be getting a copy of my house key made today, and it will be stored in the car.

[skier]

Nana to GF#1, during dinner in a restaurant with my family:

"Do you know what you would look good in? A black negligee. No. Wait...a red one"

Stunned horror.

Nana to GF#2, same setting.

N-"Do you want some of my tart?"

GF-"No, thanks. I'm not big on desserts"

N-"How about when you are on your period? Do you like them then?"

Stunned horror.

we used to tell my nana that dinner was an hour earlier than it actually was, cos she was notoriously late.

now we tell her dinner is an hour later than we actually get to the restaurant, so we can get banged-up enough on wine to deal with her.

[skier]

It's not my moment, but my friend Fatty's.

Apparently this guy was working hard at McDonald's (workin' hard, hardly workin'... whatever) Anyway, the urge for a bowel movement overpowered my buddy and he shat himself. Standing next to the line, he shook his leg and let fall a butt nugget, down his pants and onto the floor at which point he kicked the nugget under the cold table.

This isn't the best part of this story.

Whenever my friend tells this story, he laughs uncontrollably. Now when my friend Fatty gets laughing his face turns red. If he happens to see his own big fat belly jiggling like a bowl full of jelly, it makes him laugh harder. So whenever we want to see a fat man in hysterics, we ask Fatty to tell the McDonald's story.

[skier]

I'm sitting here, trying to eat, and my jaw hurts sooo bad that I can't open my mouth.I'm ready to rush out to the emergency room, convinced I've somehow contracted lockjaw, that's how intense the pain is. Then I realize what's wrong & proceed to laugh my ass off.

Being the stupid slut that I am, I had forgotten that I'd spent the first hour and a half of my morning sucking a 9 inch cock.

Ladies, I strongly advise against it without an intense warm-up routine....

[skier]

It just suddenly occured to me that with all their indescriminate sex, Lowbrow readers/posters must make up the bulk of STD transmiters in the world.

From now on I will ask people if they have ever been to this site before I have sex with them because I'd rather not get chlamydia.

[skier]

I'm supposed to be working. I've brought in an extra employee so I can cyber and surf the web. Being the boss rocks sometimes.

So I have four msn windows open. I'm casually flipping between them as I write this. Each of them thinks they have my complete attention.

Window one...nineteen, thinks he wants to marry me. As long as I type "kiss" and "I love you" every five minutes, he is satisfied.

Window two...forty-something in the closet male, who acts out his fantasies in a not so subtle way by pretending I'm wearing a strap on and he is giving me a blowjob. I am curiously turned on by this.

Window three...18 year old girl. Playing with her sexuality, wants to cyber with a woman. She is more interested in typing out the whole scenario, so an occasional "mmmm" or "oh yess" from me is doing the job.

Window four...yet another guy 14 years my junior, wants to call me mom and fuck me. I told him I was on the phone and I'd be right back. I'm not. And I won't be.

Reload.

Reload.

[skier]

Very few men know that there is a nerve that runs down a fourth finger on a woman's left hand that, when it compressed (by, say, a ring), causes the woman to suddenly and irreversably become allergic to semen.

You have been warned.

[skier]

When I was in 7th grade, a girl wrote, "You're very original" in my yearbook. She was trying to be clever because she didn't like me.

I wiped a booger in her yearbook.

Who do you think got the last straw?

[skier]

The TV is showing some chicks applying for a horror movie, and they're showing off their screams.

Girlfriend's Mom: "I bet you could scream like that."

Me: "She sure can!"

I gotta wonder exactly what part of my brain decided to pipe up and say, "I know what would be a good thing to say right about now!"

[skier]

My friend S. likes to make a lot of sarcastic jokes. He also started making a list of things he can't joke about around me, because my personal experiences with those issues now creep him out. So far, the list includes:

-adultery

(S.:"How's your married boyfriend?")

-stalking

(S.:"Watch out, I think he's stalking you." Me:"Again? Another one?")

-mental illness

(S.:"I think he's schizophrenic" Me:"I don't think so, my ex is schizophrenic, and he acted a lot differently")

-drugs

(Me: "no, cocaine doesn't actually do that to people.")

-nudity

(don't ask. Alcohol makes my clothes fall off.)

[skier]

only 50 more to 3000!

[skier]

Not my moment...but a dear friend of mines....

(Hey Stephanie!!!)

During the wonderful week of her period, she runs over to the nearby walgreens to grab a box of tampons, starbursts and something to drink. While waiting to checkout a couple college guys come up behind her and whisper "don't you just LOVE your period?!" to which she replied "KINKY SEX!" while she grabbed her boob.

They watched her in confusion as she went back out to the car. Smiling broadly, clutching her feminine items...her mom asks "What? Tampons make you feel empowered or something?"

[skier]

My economics professor was talking about unemployment today. He said, "The only people who don't contribute any money are the elderly and babies."

I didn't say it, but I thought, "I don't know about the babies... I hear you can fetch a good price for the blond and blue-eyed ones."

[skier]

Goddamn, I hate being so ticklish.

It makes fooling around a bitch.

It feels so good...but I can't stand it for more than a second.

I need to start using safety words.

[skier]

I can always differentiate (ah, I love that word) the inputs from Canadians or Brits and U.S. folks. Words such as favorite (favourite), beer joints (pubs), tires (tyres). Those are the written words.

Face/voice conversation?

When not understanding, Canadians say, "Eh?" Texans say, "Huh?"

Oh crap, you can tell I don't have a lot to do tonight.

[skier]

I was at a party and had to take a shit. There was a line outside the door. I went to flush and it failed to take my poop down. I didn't want to let it sit in the bowl because everyone would know it was mine, so I grabbed some toliet paper, and dropped it out the forth story window.

[skier]

my friends are taking me to a level 3 yoga class. i had never been to yoga before. sure i had done some stretches here and there but never with the master.

as we are getting out of the car janine states, fuck i have gas. i give a little smirk and think, thank god its not me.

KARMA, KARMA, KARMA.

as my leg is reaching over my shoulder i let out a roping fart. my face turns pink as my pussy and my friends start laughing hysterically.

This happens 2 more times!! The teacher, master, whatever. says, dont worry let it all out!

As i glance down the row of people the cutest guy is just looking at me dumbfounded.

I should have got his number. we could have had farting contests.

[skier]

After a rather heavy night at the bar my coworker/friend was not feeling to well at all. She finally insisted on pulling over in desperate need to escavate contents of her stomach onto the curb. This went on for so many minutes that by the end the poor girl was in tears.

Wanting to make her feel better I thought it would be amusing to run up to the closest house and piss in their mailslot .... into the house.

Upon seeing this she cracked a smile and started laughing hysterically as I whizzed away into some strangers hallway.

Week later, on a casual sunday drive we passed the house rather by coincidence ...

The sign on the lawn said for rent.

Personally I would have got a dog.

[skier]

my bestest friend is moving to quebec city to go to school there for a year. i was pretty depressed, until he wrote 'you make me shit my pants' in french on a piece of paper. i laughed hysterically, and putting it away in my wallet, in the clear window bit, i realized the other thing i had put in there, a fortune saying 'you are a true friend.' so i slid the french note right underneath.

[skier]

i guess i was pretty young. my parents were talking about the grocery list. my mom added "douche thing". so i asked her what it was and she didn't answer. later in the checkout line i asked again, "what's a douche thing?". people looked. she still didn't answer.