indigochild111

Is anyone else afraid they are going to spend the rest of their lives alone? I get this feeling, especially late at night like this. It just sort of creeps up on me, you know?
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of six months with the realization that I did not love him, he was just rebound. He was my reassurance that I wasn't completely hideous or unloveable, although I do think I'm impossible to really love. I don't know why I'm writing this, or the point of it all, but I just needed to write I guess.
What does it mean when the only person you ever loved completely doesn't work out? Does it mean there is someone else out there for you...or that you blew your chances of real love?

__________________
Breathe out,
So I can breathe you in
Hold you in

abaya

Oh man, this is a rough post to answer, probably because I have been in your shoes before. I get scared of being alone, too... particularly late at night. But this is mostly because I am in a long-distance relationship and I am alone most weeknights, and it sucks. And sometimes I start to think it will always be that way, so I get depressed.

It's probably even worse in the wake of a recent break-up. It does sound like you broke up for the right reason, though. And don't think for a second that there isn't someone else out there for you. Was this your first boyfriend?

The most important line in your post: why do you think you're impossible to "really love?" Did you not believe that your ex-boyfriend loved you, and is that why you broke up with him?

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

maleficent

All you'd have to do is look in a mirror to remind yourself that you aren't hideous-- you are a beautiful young woman... you will have so many more chances at love you just have to (and often times it's easier said than done) BELIEVE YOU ARE WORTHY OF SOMEONE'S LOVE... Not just anyone though... but the right one...

(though at your age.. the 'wrong ones' can be an awful lot of fun.


It's impossible to really love the wrong person... I think it's a lot easier to really love the right person... You are too important a person to settle for less than the right person. I've seen too many women (and guys too) out there of all ages do that... Settle for Mr. Who's Here Right Now, rather than be alone.

It wasn't the right moment for you. It wasn't the right person. He blew his chance... you didn't blow anything.

Over the years I've gotten rather cynical and jaded about love, and honestly doubt it's existance for me... Not for others, really, just me. I'm way too much of a challenge for anyone to really love me... Or as a friend of mine pointed out to me -- I want to be in love in a song..
I don't personally want to die alone, or go intomy 'golden years' alone...but i also don't want to settle for less than i really want. Basically don't be as untrusting and screwed up as I am... and you will not have a problem...

__________________

indigochild111

abaya, it isn't my first relationship. I've had several serious boyfriends, and been in love a few times...but it's different from that first real boyfriend thing when you feel like he's the one and you want to be with him forever. Looking back on that feeling, I know I was just so young and naive and didn't understand what relationships were really like.

Malificent, it's too late for me to not be untrusting and screwed up..that's part of the reason why I'm afraid. I feel like I am too much to handle for most people. In fact, I was told that once by one of my boyfriends. He wasn't saying it to be mean, he was just being truthful. I feel better right now, but it's the beginning of a beautiful day and I have a Christmas party with friends to cheer me up!

Thanks for the support

__________________
Breathe out,
So I can breathe you in
Hold you in

maleficent

Oh fuck that... Seriously... For the right person.. you won't be too much to handle... Trust me on that one... If he thinks you're too much to handle -well then it's his loss...

__________________

snowy

Tell me about it...

I was always told by possible dating partners that I was too much, too challenging (for whatever reasons they had...I am incredibly stubborn, know-it-all-y, and moody as hell). Well, I certainly found a guy who stepped right up to the plate and hit a grand slam. Despite everything, he deals with it, because he says I'm worth it.

You'll find it, indigochild, of that I am sure. But it will come when it most surprises you, and when you expect it least.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

rlynnm

Wow that post hit me hard.

After a few failed romances, and just recently falling out of a really good friendship with a former lover.. I could say that I feel pretty hopeless. And I guess to add insult to injury, not too long ago, I fell for someone who I might've wronged too many times, that I will spend the rest of my days trying to make things right

I'm okay as a person. Much of my recollection of others involve them pursuing me. I'm fairly adept in many things..yet I feel myself to be without end in the relationship department. There's this one guy I've held my heart out for that I don't even know how much longer I can keep hanging on. Do I feel hopeless. Fuck yeah I do.

With regard to your situation, I feel that you broke up for very good reasons. Don't stay with someone who might just be a rebound to you because that person could be with someone who actually does love them wholly. You did the right thing, though I'm sure it doesn't feel too right.

I think people can fall in love more than once in their lifetime. I feel that anyone can have mroe than one beautiful relationship in the span of their x years on earth. All is not lost.

Wow I should heed my own advice huh. But I guess do as I say not as I do......

__________________
The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.

abaya

Well, now I see why you and I get along so well, Snowy! Sounds like me to a T! And I've often been told that I was "too much to handle," too. Ktspktsp seems to be managing so far, though...

After a very difficult break up in college (6-7 years ago, eek!), a good friend of mine told me that I needed someone who would be willing to walk the journey with me... someone who was willing to just be there, alongside me, no matter what. The previous boyfriend was not ready for that kind of thing. I really thought I had that connection with him, the one you describe in your post... but when it came down to it, we just weren't made for that kind of relationship.

It took me four years to meet someone else. Yep, four years of being single, in my early 20s. It was worth it, though. Hang in there, girl, and spend this time developing yourself.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

rlynnm

OOoh Isn't that the way we're supposed to be?

I think I might've found where I might be going wrong here..haha.

__________________
The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.

uptown

Worry more about the possibilty of wasting months/years of your life with somebody who doesn't deserve you.

Meditrina

I am going to go out on a limb and say what I am feeling in my heart. I have been married almost 12 years and I, too, am afraid of being alone forever. Yes, I do believe you can feel this way even when you are with someone. If I was not afraid of being alone, I would have no problems telling my husband how he makes me feel and no problem telling him what he is doing to me emotionally.

Try not to worry, Indigochild. Use this time to learn about yourself, your likes and your dislikes. Use this time to grow into your own person, so you never feel alone even when you are not.

__________________
"Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles." ~Alex Karras

amonkie

An anonymous male member of the forum requested that I post the following on their behalf:

__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna

Beccarain

Tis so true . . . the best loves happen when you least expect it; and when you are so not looking for it. So take some time now with yourself, learn about you and what you want out of life. Once you feel good about yourself you may actually enjoy your own company

__________________
Onward, through the fog . . .

sexymama

I grew up hearing, "if you don't change, no man will love you. You are too strong and too outspoken." It is true, I'm a very confident woman. And, without a doubt, Lebell loves me!

When I divorced my ex, I thought for sure I would spend the rest of my life alone. After all, my parents were right, I was too difficult for him to truly love. But two short years later Lebell and I married. We are still madly in love and things just get better every day. A real man (as posted above) is perfectly capable of loving a real woman.

My advice, stay true to yourself and it will happen when you least expect it. Try to please others and you will loose yourself in the process. If you remain alone, it is time to be interspective -- to learn about yourself and better yourself. Then, when the right one comes along the relationship is that much better! Whatever you do, don't settle.

(Sportswidow05 -- I know you didn't ask, but that goes for you too. I stayed with my ex for way too long because I was afraid of being alone and of hurting the children. The best thing I ever did was leave him. I would say that was true even if I didn't have Lebell! You are worth more then the pain of the relationship.)

__________________
If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god

It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

Anneri

I was there once, worried i would never meet the "one",i married a man i didn't love, and since him i have never been in love, some say i have missed out but i think i'm lucky as you can't miss what you never had, i searched for a few years, hoped to met someone who would make me feel alive and all it did was make me unhappy, i was seeing a guy for almost 6 years but in that time he never met my children or visited my home, we never even went out on a date it was just sex, i really don't think i'm capeable of more and since i came to that conclusion im content.

I will grow old alone but never lonely, i have my kids, a great circle of friends and i love my own company, i know that i don't want a relationship, it's just not for me, i searched as it felt like the thing to do, but it took alot of soul searching to realise it wasn't what i really wanted, it never was.

I think if you want a man in your life you must keep an open mind and heart and in time it will happen, but only if thats what you truley want.
If it is then relax and take this time to find yourself and be happy...good luck x

__________________
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

little_tippler

this is a tough question but I think for many women and men, the fear of living out your days alone is present.

I agree that perhaps he wasn't the right one. I know you're looking for me to say something uplifting. There is every chance that you will meet someone new and right for you. There is every chance that you will love the deepest of loves again. But there is also the chance that you will not meet someone right, and it happens. So many people never marry, never find the right person, never have kids, and are "alone".

But "alone" is what you make of it. You can be alone but not lonely. If you have good friends, a good sense of self and things you love around you, you can be happy. Life is not linear and not everyone can have all the same things. The key is to be happy with what you have and also to make the most of your life and the opportunities that come your way.

Your life is not defined by your finding someone else to love and to love you back. I hope you find someone new to share your life and love with, but in the meantime, love yourself far more.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

shesus

This is an interesting and scary prospect of life. Honestly though I don't think that anyone will grow up alone and especially the wonderful people of this community. I may not be a good person to ask about being alone. I guess I'm one of those lucky ones who found someone, we clicked, and it just feels right. I think that will happen to most people eventually. I know that you can't go out looking for love and as people mentioned earlier, it will happen when you least expect it.

I also agree with widow that even if you are with someone you can have the fear of being alone. Mine is "What if something happened to jj? What would I do?" Other people think "I've been with this person so long, I don't know how I would live without them."

My mom is in a relationship like the latter. I don't think they are in love anymore and I don't think that they have been for many years. They stay together for 2 reasons. 1) My mom doesn't want to be alone. 2) My dad doesn't make enough money to support himself. I think that I were in this situation, in fact I know that if I were in this situation, I would rather be alone. Why spend your time with someone you don't really like for fear of being alone?

I think that many people have these worries and once you find the person you mesh with, you sill have other life worries. I hate to make reference to a Sex and the City episode, but it's running through my head. There is an episode where the women are at a party. Miranda gets asked if there is anyone special in her life and if she plans on getting married because being alone is not a 'good' thing. It bothers her and she is scared of being alone. Then she runs into one of the 'lucky' women who are married. This woman tries to defend why she isn't having kids.

Life is full of what ifs and fears. You have to keep on going with the belief that everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to. You are young and your life will turn out exactly how it's supposed to. And honestly, from what I've seen and read, you're not going to end up alone.

Oh yea, and this idea of "the one" is not correct. A person can have many loves and you can't second guess yourself for ending a relationship. If you put a lot of thought in the break up, you should have no regrets.

__________________
Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it

Choose Heaven for the weather and Hell for the company

fallsauce

I've been having this horrible thought for the entire past year. (Being alone in a new city with pretty much no friends must not have helped.) So I'm really glad I'm not the only person who feels this way.

But the thing is, I want to fall in love and all those other things, but I'm so scared of being in a relationship. I can't seem able to find a guy that I can really like, or if I do, they don't seem to be interested in me. The guy I've been out with a couple of times, he's OK, but I feel like I'm already a little bored, but I'm so scared that no one else will ever want me that I just want to experience things once.

__________________
"Hey little kitty with your tail dragging on the floor
You could have a following in every town that you go"
Electric Six - I Invented The Night

rlynnm

Wow. this one hit home. Thanks for the reminder, uptown.

__________________
The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.