Depression During Pregnancy - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Disk_Pusher · 06-13-2005, 12:40 PM

It's taken me a while to write this. I can't seem to say what I want to clearly, and I've spent more time re-writing this than I should have.

I'll soon be going into my 7th month of pregnancy, and I'm miserable. I've never been a happy person and I've been bounced from SSRI to SSRI sence I was 13, but they never did anything. Ordinarilly, it's been pretty easy to deal with. I've just accepted depressed as my natural state of being and gone on with life. Now though... all I want to do is sit around and cry all the dame time, about the most worthless and stupid shit. This from a person who on average cries maybe once a year.

I was told by 4 doctors I was infertile. 4. In two different states. I LIKED being infertile. I'm not a huge fan of kids, I'm not good with them. I didn't want the responsibility of a kid. I'm not ready, fiscally or emotionally, for a kid. And so when I found out about being pregnant, my first thought was an abortion. My mistake was telling my family. We'd never talked about their views on the subject. I was told either to keep the child, or be excommunicated from the family. My SO is so very happy over a child. His family is happy. My family is... disapointed. And me? I'm bitter, and I'm afraid because of it I'm going to be a terrible mother.

Worse yet, because of my infertility, I don't bleed normally. It's 2 or 3 times a year at best, and so I had no idea I was pregnant for 4 1/2 months. I just thought I was getting a little chubby. I'm already chubby, so it was easy to blow off as bad college diet. So I continued living life as I defined it as normal - 3 or 4 beers on the weekends (thankfully I've never been an everyday or heavy drinker), a joint or two whenever I had a migrane, and about 1/2 pack a day of cigarettes. While the docs have rulled out any mass deformity or genetic problems, I'm terrified he's not going to be normal, and it's going to be my fault that he's messed up. I don't know if I can live with that, looking at my son everyday and knowing I ruined his life.

I'm freaking out. It is impossible to talk to my SO about this, obviously. He's just so happy about the baby. Baby this, baby that... Every time he starts rubbing my stomach and cooing about the "baaaaaaaaaaaaaaby" I feel sick, miserable, and guilty because I'm just not happy about it, and I don't think I will be.

I'm hoping that this isn't the way it will always be. I've read that some mothers do get worse depression during the last trimester, and I was wondering if any other mothers here had this happen, and what they did about it, because right now I'm at the end of my rope, and he hasn't even been born yet!

sillygirl · 06-13-2005, 12:41 PM

When a child is in the womb, he still knows what's going on. He feels your emotions, your worry, guilt, regret, whatever.

You should talk to your SO about what you're feeling. You're in a relationship, you're having a child together, your SO deserves and needs to know what you're thinking and feeling.

maleficent · 06-13-2005, 12:47 PM

I've never been pregnant, but I can imagine I would experience similar feelings if I were in your shoes. Don't beat yourself up over the way your are feeling, from everything I have read, those feelings are normal -- just arent spoken of because everyone is supposed to be happy about bringing a new life into the world..

Having thoughts that your child will be born with birth defects, and that it will be your fault, is also a very normal reaction... again.. give yourself a break there.

I applaud you for starting t his thread, it must have been really difficult for you to write, and I hope that by writing it down, and by the support that you will get here, will do a little bit to ease your burden.

Your hormones are going more than alittle crazy right now.. that's gonna be partly to blame for your wanting to cry, and whatever else is going on in your head.

I assume you are getting prenatal care. Please.. please.. talk to your doctor, or nurse practioner, whoever is monitoring your pregnancy, it's confidential... you will get reassurance that you need, and they need to be aware they you aren't feeling 100 percent...

Elphaba · 06-13-2005, 01:20 PM

Ditto everything Mal said, and I would like to add that I sincerely doubt that you harmed the baby. Women drank lightly and smoked for decades before we learned of the possibility of harm to the fetus. My sister is the best example I know. It is also my understanding that is it the last trimester where effects might occur.

Please, be kind to yourself and do discuss your feelings with your SO and medical team.

MsNobody · 06-13-2005, 01:48 PM

You need to go and get help, now, definitely before the child is born. Having these feelings doesn't make you bad and won't necessarily mean you will be a terrible mom. The fact that you seem to care whether or not you are a terrible mom and are capable of messing up this baby's life - speaks volumes. You apparently already care for this child, you just need help getting all your emotions together, its a great shock to those who try to get pregnant, you not thinking it was possible, geez I can only imagine. You have had a lot put on you and its ok to feel like this, just please reach out to someone, before the child is born. I would hate for you to miss out on something that could be the best thing you ever do. I think you are scared, and god knows, we all should be to a point. I was miserable with my first child, I got so fat and I was not feeling very good, all part of being pregnant, for some. I was afraid of my child, when she was born. I just wanted to go to sleep, the nurse kept trying to get me to hold her, I didn't even want to see her. I felt so bad, how can I not want to see my own child? Where was that instant bonding you hear all about, didn't happen with me. It did kick in a few days after, and believe me there is nothing like the love you feel for that child, the immense protection you have for that child, it is truly something you cannot understand until it happens. So please, talk to someone - just might change your life.

Hash_Browns · 06-14-2005, 08:13 PM

I am 30 weeks pregnant today. This is my third pregnancy. I don't know exactly how you are feeling, but I do know what an emotional roller coaster ride this time can be. I am going to admit that with my first child, I didn't know I was preggers until I was about 1 1/2 mos. along. I have smoked a couple bowls and drank for christmas and new years, something which was actually not a regular thing for me. I freaked my entire pregnancy about what I might have done in tht small time. Then I talked to my Mom and Aunt. My Aunt told me she couldn't sleep without hitting her hubby's joint before bed after 8 mos. pregnant. And all her kids (3) are doing just fine. They also say that beer and wine in moderation is totally exceptable, and from the sounds of it, you were within limits that are not going to be to much of a big deal. My hubbys' mom didn't even know she was pregnant until she was 36 weeks, at which point she freaked because she was a party girl, not just on the weekends, but everynight after work, and doing who knows what else besides drinking and being a huge 'flirt'. My hubby came out just fine

Quite a smart guy too! So just relax, cry if it helps, cry even if you don't think its helping...shoot...I sometimes go from crying my eyes out to dancing around my living room, just to end up crying again!

As for the rest of your situation, I know someone who was in your shoes very recently. Got preggers, didn't tell her mom, was planning an abortion, her SO went and told her mom everything. Her mom went NUTS! Told her she was having this baby or losing all ties to the family. Needless to say, Brandon is now 2 years old and thriving. My GF didn't think it could happen either, was the last thing she wanted, but I know she wouldn't trade it for the world. You should talk to your SO and tell him, this is your time! Right here and now, you are what counts and make him listen. Also your OB can help too, even if it just means helping you get some info about these kinds of depression. It can get worse after the baby is born, I won't lie. Some mothers get worse some it disappears, so you need to be prepared to deal with that. Meaning get help now before it gets worse and you end up feeling worse.

I hope this has helped somewhat, take from it what you will

Hugs to you and yours and I hope everything works out the way I'm sure it will. And if you want to vent some more, we are here to listen, no matter how many times you might re-write it, if it gets it off your chest, then so be it!!

raeanna74 · 06-15-2005, 05:51 AM

Hugs hon. Emotions can get pretty crazy during pregnancy. Toward the end of it I got heavy duty nesting feelings and was doing stupid stuff, standing on chairs while I couldn't see my feet... Up until then I kept wondering what was wrong with me that I didn't feel bonded to the baby, didn't feel excited about getting ready for them, didn't want to 'nest', didn't like my job... Part of it was the unexpectedness of the pregnancy and how unprepared I was. One thing that helped a lot was TALKING a lot to people who were pregnant or who wanted to listen to my prenancy woes. Another thing that helped me was reading and doing puzzles. Puzzles are theraputic for me. Reading - I drowned myself in information about pregnancy, childbirth, and newborns. It helped me feel prepared and not so scared. I even read about emergency c-sections and things because my family is known for having to-big babies and I half expected one. That helped me because I did end up having one.

Last and not least, as other's have said as well, talk to you physician. If you don't feel like you can then you really need to find another so that they can help you feel better.

Disk_Pusher · 06-20-2005, 02:33 AM

Thank you all for your input... it's good to know I'm not going totally crazy.

When I said it's impossible to talk to my SO, it's not for lack of trying. It's just every time I've tryed to bring it up, he always ends up getting hurt. Every time, it's turned into "you hate the baby" or worse yet, "you hate the baby because it's mine". I never say those things, it's just how he hears what I try to say. It's really damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I show that I'm depressed, we have the *talk* that ends up with him getting hurt (and I've tryed every way of speaking about how I feel that I can, the result is the same) and if I run around with a frantic happyhappy attitude, I keep the peace but feel miserable for having to be fake around someone I always used to be honest with.

The doctor was... less than helpful. Even after explaining my mother's severe post-partum depression along with my own depression, she blew me off. I'm not sure what I'm suposed to do to make her take me serriously. Maybe next time I'll wear some blood red contacts and speak in tounges. On second thought... no. But it's fun to think about. I also got the lecture on being fat. I was 160 - now I'm 200 lb.

I don't know how it happened - I haven't changed my eating habits. But better yet, because of it, people don't see a pregnant woman - they see a fat woman letting it all hang out. I've always been modest to a fault, and now I've found I'm uncomfortable going out in public without my sweatshirt to hide my stomach. My SO gets bothered because he says I'm doing it because I'm ashamed. Well, to be perfectly frank, I am. But I can't say that, or else it makes him upset.

I think what's really driving me insane is having to justify to my SO and family why I don't feel the way I do all for the sake of social harmony. I don't understand why they ask and pry, and then get all butthurt when their assumptions turn out to be correct. I supose the truth of how I'm feeling is a very ackward thing for other people to understand. I really wish I understood this behavior. When I ask someone, "What's the matter, you look like you're feeling down," I'm damn well prepared for them to say, "Yeah, yeah I am feeling down" or whatever. But my SO, both families, they seem shocked and hurt when they get an honest answer. The only I knew IRL who didn't exhibit this behavior was my girlfriend from years ago, and I know she'd laugh her ass off if she knew what happened. The price for fraternizing with filthy males, she's say. She was one of those uber-lesbians, the kind that can't stand the fact that reproduction invariably involves men. Why she even got with me is beyond me.

I wish I had a dog. I miss my dogs at home. They are so much better than my family, than most people (present cyber-company obviously excluded) at understanding and listening. Damn no pets policies.

Please forgive me if I've ranted - it's too late for me to even care about proofreading this, which is prolly a good thing. I'd end up going back and sensoring what I said to make myself feel better, because if it isn't writen, it doesn't exist.

How's that for some jacked up hormonal logic?

snowy · 06-20-2005, 06:09 AM

If your doctor is blowing you off, get a new one. It's important, especially now, that you have a doctor who will listen to you and validate your concerns. If that is not the case, then you need to start shopping for a new OB. Doctors should NEVER blow you off. EVER.

raeanna74 · 06-20-2005, 01:01 PM

I feel for you hon. I gained 60 lbs during pregnancy. I was even too big for hubby's BIG pants the week before I had my daughter. In fact the last 3 weeks I had these three tent dresses that I basically rotated between. I rarely went out except to walk the railroad tracks alone or with hubby. If anyone says anything about your extra weight maybe you can come up with some snappy remarks to put them off. For the extra rude ones you can just simply say - you are being rude, you are not pregnant, don't judge me.

As for your Dr (I'm speaking to myself here.) you should find a different one. I luckily ended up with a great Dr the last few weeks of pregnancy and during labor. My regular Dr ended up being on vacation those last couple weeks (I was two week late or he'd have been there when I was due) and I ended up with the Dr who was covering for him. My regular one wasn't bad but this girl was excellent. She really listened to me and did all she could to address my concerns whether they were percieved or concrete. You will feel much better if you can just get a Dr who listens and helps you. Have you looked into midwives?? My hospital where I gave birth to my daughter was connected to Mayo and they had a whole staff of midwives there. I ended up not going with them but I heard a LOT of good reports from people who had dealt with them. Ask around. In our area there are organizations like "parent connection" and "community services" where you can call and get recommendations or get connected to other Mom's who are expecting.

Check out your local groups and meetings. Look for a local activity flyer or in your local paper for listings. If you have any thoughts about nursing the baby you could go to a La Lecha League meeting. Here they're free to go and the Mom's and Mom's to be are so supportive of other Mom's. Get your feelers out there for people who WILL support you. If your hubby asks why you're going to these meetings you can just say you want to be as prepared as you can for the baby. This means preparing yourself emotionally as well as physically and mentally.

Hugs hon. You can get through this.

Elphaba · 06-21-2005, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elphaba

Ditto everything Mal said, and I would like to add that I sincerely doubt that you harmed the baby. Women drank lightly and smoked for decades before we learned of the possibility of harm to the fetus. My sister is the best example I know. It is also my understanding that is it the last trimester where effects might occur.

Basmoq was thoughtful enough to send me a pm with an important correction:

I just wanted to inform you that your comment in the women's forum about alcohol and drugs effecting children more in the third trimester. This is the exact opposite of the truth. In fact, a child is most susceptible to harm in the first trimester, when its organs are forming and developing. By the third trimester, all the organs are formed (the delicate process), and are simply growing (for the most part). I would highly advise doing a bit of research on this subject if you find it fascinating. I currently have a pregnant wife, and am a pre-med student married to a doctor, so I don't mean to sound rude, I just don't like to see bad advice being handed around. Have a good week.

Thanks, Basmoq

sexymama · 06-22-2005, 06:56 PM

DP -- the doctor and family are not listening, so please, please seek counseling! Call Parents Anonymous or a professional counselor. Take care of you -- all of you! Physically you sound healthy. Your mental health is just as important.

It is very sad that others made your life decisions for you in the past. It is time for you to take control of your life and make your own decisions. Best of luck and many blessings on you.

Disk_Pusher · 06-24-2005, 05:39 AM

I spent a good amount of time with my mother on the phone yesterday, and she told a few things I've found useful. She can be harsh, but really, I'd much rather someone be harsh and totally honest.

1) The situation sucks. The doctors, now, in the past, and in AZ, all suck. There is very little to be done about the doctor, as I can't afford something outside of what my shitty PPO provides me, and I should be greatful I have access to the level of medical care I do. The situation can't be changed, and whining about how I was infertile does nothing to terminate the pregnancy.

2) Therapy and "talking about it" isn't going to help. It can't change anything. All it does is serve to make me more bitter as I repeat the truths of the situation that equate to me being wronged by this child. No shrink is going to preform psychic surgery and dispatch of my problem. The only option I have left is to quit my bitching, here and elsewhere, and be productive.

3) The only option I have left is to pull myself up and do my goddamn job, perriod. There is no excuse for letting myself be a bad mother. I should be greatful for the good things I'm getting which I don't deserve (my words, not hers) and get on with it. I'm not dead, I'm not mentally or phsically handicaped, and so the only excuse I have for not doing my best is that, in effect, "I don't feel like it", and that's a pretty fucking sad reason not to do ANYTHING.

4) And if all of the above requires me to bury how miserable I am for the sake of the kid and my relationship with my SO, so be it. My misery has no right to impede their happiness and their lives.

This is the distilled version from a 2 hour conversation. It's very, very weird to be agreeing with her on anything. I'm tirred of thinking about it all of this in all honesty, so I'm going to go back to bed. I'm not sure why I woke up at 6 Am thinking this was so important to say in any event.

Munchkin · 06-24-2005, 07:17 AM

Most PPO's do allow you to go out of network, but they will increase your deductible, usually by 10%. Check your policy. If your financially able, this is an option you may have to seek a better doctor. My experience in the past with bad doctors has taught me to ask around to see what other people say about their doctors. Word of mouth is the best PR.

I saw a quote that I really liked and I think that it applies here: If you do not like a situation, change it. If your unable to change it, change how you think about it.

06-13-2005, 12:40 PM	#1 (permalink)
Disk_Pusher Tilted Location: Fresno, soon to be Sacramento!	Depression During Pregnancy It's taken me a while to write this. I can't seem to say what I want to clearly, and I've spent more time re-writing this than I should have. I'll soon be going into my 7th month of pregnancy, and I'm miserable. I've never been a happy person and I've been bounced from SSRI to SSRI sence I was 13, but they never did anything. Ordinarilly, it's been pretty easy to deal with. I've just accepted depressed as my natural state of being and gone on with life. Now though... all I want to do is sit around and cry all the dame time, about the most worthless and stupid shit. This from a person who on average cries maybe once a year. I was told by 4 doctors I was infertile. 4. In two different states. I LIKED being infertile. I'm not a huge fan of kids, I'm not good with them. I didn't want the responsibility of a kid. I'm not ready, fiscally or emotionally, for a kid. And so when I found out about being pregnant, my first thought was an abortion. My mistake was telling my family. We'd never talked about their views on the subject. I was told either to keep the child, or be excommunicated from the family. My SO is so very happy over a child. His family is happy. My family is... disapointed. And me? I'm bitter, and I'm afraid because of it I'm going to be a terrible mother. Worse yet, because of my infertility, I don't bleed normally. It's 2 or 3 times a year at best, and so I had no idea I was pregnant for 4 1/2 months. I just thought I was getting a little chubby. I'm already chubby, so it was easy to blow off as bad college diet. So I continued living life as I defined it as normal - 3 or 4 beers on the weekends (thankfully I've never been an everyday or heavy drinker), a joint or two whenever I had a migrane, and about 1/2 pack a day of cigarettes. While the docs have rulled out any mass deformity or genetic problems, I'm terrified he's not going to be normal, and it's going to be my fault that he's messed up. I don't know if I can live with that, looking at my son everyday and knowing I ruined his life. I'm freaking out. It is impossible to talk to my SO about this, obviously. He's just so happy about the baby. Baby this, baby that... Every time he starts rubbing my stomach and cooing about the "baaaaaaaaaaaaaaby" I feel sick, miserable, and guilty because I'm just not happy about it, and I don't think I will be. I'm hoping that this isn't the way it will always be. I've read that some mothers do get worse depression during the last trimester, and I was wondering if any other mothers here had this happen, and what they did about it, because right now I'm at the end of my rope, and he hasn't even been born yet! __________________ Some people push the envelope - I push the disk!

06-13-2005, 12:41 PM	#2 (permalink)
sillygirl Newlywed Location: at home	When a child is in the womb, he still knows what's going on. He feels your emotions, your worry, guilt, regret, whatever. You should talk to your SO about what you're feeling. You're in a relationship, you're having a child together, your SO deserves and needs to know what you're thinking and feeling. __________________ Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly-Rose Franken ....absence makes me miss him more...

06-13-2005, 12:47 PM	#3 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I've never been pregnant, but I can imagine I would experience similar feelings if I were in your shoes. Don't beat yourself up over the way your are feeling, from everything I have read, those feelings are normal -- just arent spoken of because everyone is supposed to be happy about bringing a new life into the world.. Having thoughts that your child will be born with birth defects, and that it will be your fault, is also a very normal reaction... again.. give yourself a break there. I applaud you for starting t his thread, it must have been really difficult for you to write, and I hope that by writing it down, and by the support that you will get here, will do a little bit to ease your burden. Your hormones are going more than alittle crazy right now.. that's gonna be partly to blame for your wanting to cry, and whatever else is going on in your head. I assume you are getting prenatal care. Please.. please.. talk to your doctor, or nurse practioner, whoever is monitoring your pregnancy, it's confidential... you will get reassurance that you need, and they need to be aware they you aren't feeling 100 percent... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

06-14-2005, 08:13 PM	#6 (permalink)
Hash_Browns Psycho Location: Right behind you...BOO!	I am 30 weeks pregnant today. This is my third pregnancy. I don't know exactly how you are feeling, but I do know what an emotional roller coaster ride this time can be. I am going to admit that with my first child, I didn't know I was preggers until I was about 1 1/2 mos. along. I have smoked a couple bowls and drank for christmas and new years, something which was actually not a regular thing for me. I freaked my entire pregnancy about what I might have done in tht small time. Then I talked to my Mom and Aunt. My Aunt told me she couldn't sleep without hitting her hubby's joint before bed after 8 mos. pregnant. And all her kids (3) are doing just fine. They also say that beer and wine in moderation is totally exceptable, and from the sounds of it, you were within limits that are not going to be to much of a big deal. My hubbys' mom didn't even know she was pregnant until she was 36 weeks, at which point she freaked because she was a party girl, not just on the weekends, but everynight after work, and doing who knows what else besides drinking and being a huge 'flirt'. My hubby came out just fine Quite a smart guy too! So just relax, cry if it helps, cry even if you don't think its helping...shoot...I sometimes go from crying my eyes out to dancing around my living room, just to end up crying again! As for the rest of your situation, I know someone who was in your shoes very recently. Got preggers, didn't tell her mom, was planning an abortion, her SO went and told her mom everything. Her mom went NUTS! Told her she was having this baby or losing all ties to the family. Needless to say, Brandon is now 2 years old and thriving. My GF didn't think it could happen either, was the last thing she wanted, but I know she wouldn't trade it for the world. You should talk to your SO and tell him, this is your time! Right here and now, you are what counts and make him listen. Also your OB can help too, even if it just means helping you get some info about these kinds of depression. It can get worse after the baby is born, I won't lie. Some mothers get worse some it disappears, so you need to be prepared to deal with that. Meaning get help now before it gets worse and you end up feeling worse. I hope this has helped somewhat, take from it what you will Hugs to you and yours and I hope everything works out the way I'm sure it will. And if you want to vent some more, we are here to listen, no matter how many times you might re-write it, if it gets it off your chest, then so be it!! __________________ Smile It makes people wonder what you're up too!

06-15-2005, 05:51 AM	#7 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	Hugs hon. Emotions can get pretty crazy during pregnancy. Toward the end of it I got heavy duty nesting feelings and was doing stupid stuff, standing on chairs while I couldn't see my feet... Up until then I kept wondering what was wrong with me that I didn't feel bonded to the baby, didn't feel excited about getting ready for them, didn't want to 'nest', didn't like my job... Part of it was the unexpectedness of the pregnancy and how unprepared I was. One thing that helped a lot was TALKING a lot to people who were pregnant or who wanted to listen to my prenancy woes. Another thing that helped me was reading and doing puzzles. Puzzles are theraputic for me. Reading - I drowned myself in information about pregnancy, childbirth, and newborns. It helped me feel prepared and not so scared. I even read about emergency c-sections and things because my family is known for having to-big babies and I half expected one. That helped me because I did end up having one. Last and not least, as other's have said as well, talk to you physician. If you don't feel like you can then you really need to find another so that they can help you feel better. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

06-13-2005, 01:20 PM	#4 (permalink)
Elphaba Deja Moo Location: Olympic Peninsula, WA	Ditto everything Mal said, and I would like to add that I sincerely doubt that you harmed the baby. Women drank lightly and smoked for decades before we learned of the possibility of harm to the fetus. My sister is the best example I know. It is also my understanding that is it the last trimester where effects might occur. Please, be kind to yourself and do discuss your feelings with your SO and medical team.

06-13-2005, 01:48 PM	#5 (permalink)
MsNobody Tilted Location: Southern California	You need to go and get help, now, definitely before the child is born. Having these feelings doesn't make you bad and won't necessarily mean you will be a terrible mom. The fact that you seem to care whether or not you are a terrible mom and are capable of messing up this baby's life - speaks volumes. You apparently already care for this child, you just need help getting all your emotions together, its a great shock to those who try to get pregnant, you not thinking it was possible, geez I can only imagine. You have had a lot put on you and its ok to feel like this, just please reach out to someone, before the child is born. I would hate for you to miss out on something that could be the best thing you ever do. I think you are scared, and god knows, we all should be to a point. I was miserable with my first child, I got so fat and I was not feeling very good, all part of being pregnant, for some. I was afraid of my child, when she was born. I just wanted to go to sleep, the nurse kept trying to get me to hold her, I didn't even want to see her. I felt so bad, how can I not want to see my own child? Where was that instant bonding you hear all about, didn't happen with me. It did kick in a few days after, and believe me there is nothing like the love you feel for that child, the immense protection you have for that child, it is truly something you cannot understand until it happens. So please, talk to someone - just might change your life.

06-20-2005, 02:33 AM	#8 (permalink)
Disk_Pusher Tilted Location: Fresno, soon to be Sacramento!	Thank you all for your input... it's good to know I'm not going totally crazy. When I said it's impossible to talk to my SO, it's not for lack of trying. It's just every time I've tryed to bring it up, he always ends up getting hurt. Every time, it's turned into "you hate the baby" or worse yet, "you hate the baby because it's mine". I never say those things, it's just how he hears what I try to say. It's really damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I show that I'm depressed, we have the talk that ends up with him getting hurt (and I've tryed every way of speaking about how I feel that I can, the result is the same) and if I run around with a frantic happyhappy attitude, I keep the peace but feel miserable for having to be fake around someone I always used to be honest with. The doctor was... less than helpful. Even after explaining my mother's severe post-partum depression along with my own depression, she blew me off. I'm not sure what I'm suposed to do to make her take me serriously. Maybe next time I'll wear some blood red contacts and speak in tounges. On second thought... no. But it's fun to think about. I also got the lecture on being fat. I was 160 - now I'm 200 lb. I don't know how it happened - I haven't changed my eating habits. But better yet, because of it, people don't see a pregnant woman - they see a fat woman letting it all hang out. I've always been modest to a fault, and now I've found I'm uncomfortable going out in public without my sweatshirt to hide my stomach. My SO gets bothered because he says I'm doing it because I'm ashamed. Well, to be perfectly frank, I am. But I can't say that, or else it makes him upset. I think what's really driving me insane is having to justify to my SO and family why I don't feel the way I do all for the sake of social harmony. I don't understand why they ask and pry, and then get all butthurt when their assumptions turn out to be correct. I supose the truth of how I'm feeling is a very ackward thing for other people to understand. I really wish I understood this behavior. When I ask someone, "What's the matter, you look like you're feeling down," I'm damn well prepared for them to say, "Yeah, yeah I am feeling down" or whatever. But my SO, both families, they seem shocked and hurt when they get an honest answer. The only I knew IRL who didn't exhibit this behavior was my girlfriend from years ago, and I know she'd laugh her ass off if she knew what happened. The price for fraternizing with filthy males, she's say. She was one of those uber-lesbians, the kind that can't stand the fact that reproduction invariably involves men. Why she even got with me is beyond me. I wish I had a dog. I miss my dogs at home. They are so much better than my family, than most people (present cyber-company obviously excluded) at understanding and listening. Damn no pets policies. Please forgive me if I've ranted - it's too late for me to even care about proofreading this, which is prolly a good thing. I'd end up going back and sensoring what I said to make myself feel better, because if it isn't writen, it doesn't exist. How's that for some jacked up hormonal logic? __________________ Some people push the envelope - I push the disk!

06-20-2005, 06:09 AM	#9 (permalink)
snowy Kick Ass Kunoichi Location: Oregon	If your doctor is blowing you off, get a new one. It's important, especially now, that you have a doctor who will listen to you and validate your concerns. If that is not the case, then you need to start shopping for a new OB. Doctors should NEVER blow you off. EVER. __________________ If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

06-20-2005, 01:01 PM	#10 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	I feel for you hon. I gained 60 lbs during pregnancy. I was even too big for hubby's BIG pants the week before I had my daughter. In fact the last 3 weeks I had these three tent dresses that I basically rotated between. I rarely went out except to walk the railroad tracks alone or with hubby. If anyone says anything about your extra weight maybe you can come up with some snappy remarks to put them off. For the extra rude ones you can just simply say - you are being rude, you are not pregnant, don't judge me. As for your Dr (I'm speaking to myself here.) you should find a different one. I luckily ended up with a great Dr the last few weeks of pregnancy and during labor. My regular Dr ended up being on vacation those last couple weeks (I was two week late or he'd have been there when I was due) and I ended up with the Dr who was covering for him. My regular one wasn't bad but this girl was excellent. She really listened to me and did all she could to address my concerns whether they were percieved or concrete. You will feel much better if you can just get a Dr who listens and helps you. Have you looked into midwives?? My hospital where I gave birth to my daughter was connected to Mayo and they had a whole staff of midwives there. I ended up not going with them but I heard a LOT of good reports from people who had dealt with them. Ask around. In our area there are organizations like "parent connection" and "community services" where you can call and get recommendations or get connected to other Mom's who are expecting. Check out your local groups and meetings. Look for a local activity flyer or in your local paper for listings. If you have any thoughts about nursing the baby you could go to a La Lecha League meeting. Here they're free to go and the Mom's and Mom's to be are so supportive of other Mom's. Get your feelers out there for people who WILL support you. If your hubby asks why you're going to these meetings you can just say you want to be as prepared as you can for the baby. This means preparing yourself emotionally as well as physically and mentally. Hugs hon. You can get through this. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

06-22-2005, 06:56 PM	#12 (permalink)
sexymama My own person -- his by choice Location: Lebell's arms	DP -- the doctor and family are not listening, so please, please seek counseling! Call Parents Anonymous or a professional counselor. Take care of you -- all of you! Physically you sound healthy. Your mental health is just as important. It is very sad that others made your life decisions for you in the past. It is time for you to take control of your life and make your own decisions. Best of luck and many blessings on you. __________________ If you can go deeply into lovemaking, the ego disappears. That is the beauty of lovemaking, that it is another source of a glimpse of god It's not about being perfect; it's about developing some skill at managing imperfection.

06-24-2005, 05:39 AM	#13 (permalink)
Disk_Pusher Tilted Location: Fresno, soon to be Sacramento!	I spent a good amount of time with my mother on the phone yesterday, and she told a few things I've found useful. She can be harsh, but really, I'd much rather someone be harsh and totally honest. 1) The situation sucks. The doctors, now, in the past, and in AZ, all suck. There is very little to be done about the doctor, as I can't afford something outside of what my shitty PPO provides me, and I should be greatful I have access to the level of medical care I do. The situation can't be changed, and whining about how I was infertile does nothing to terminate the pregnancy. 2) Therapy and "talking about it" isn't going to help. It can't change anything. All it does is serve to make me more bitter as I repeat the truths of the situation that equate to me being wronged by this child. No shrink is going to preform psychic surgery and dispatch of my problem. The only option I have left is to quit my bitching, here and elsewhere, and be productive. 3) The only option I have left is to pull myself up and do my goddamn job, perriod. There is no excuse for letting myself be a bad mother. I should be greatful for the good things I'm getting which I don't deserve (my words, not hers) and get on with it. I'm not dead, I'm not mentally or phsically handicaped, and so the only excuse I have for not doing my best is that, in effect, "I don't feel like it", and that's a pretty fucking sad reason not to do ANYTHING. 4) And if all of the above requires me to bury how miserable I am for the sake of the kid and my relationship with my SO, so be it. My misery has no right to impede their happiness and their lives. This is the distilled version from a 2 hour conversation. It's very, very weird to be agreeing with her on anything. I'm tirred of thinking about it all of this in all honesty, so I'm going to go back to bed. I'm not sure why I woke up at 6 Am thinking this was so important to say in any event. __________________ Some people push the envelope - I push the disk!

06-24-2005, 07:17 AM	#14 (permalink)
Munchkin Upright	Most PPO's do allow you to go out of network, but they will increase your deductible, usually by 10%. Check your policy. If your financially able, this is an option you may have to seek a better doctor. My experience in the past with bad doctors has taught me to ask around to see what other people say about their doctors. Word of mouth is the best PR. I saw a quote that I really liked and I think that it applies here: If you do not like a situation, change it. If your unable to change it, change how you think about it.