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Disk_Pusher · 06-13-2005, 12:40 PM

It's taken me a while to write this. I can't seem to say what I want to clearly, and I've spent more time re-writing this than I should have.

I'll soon be going into my 7th month of pregnancy, and I'm miserable. I've never been a happy person and I've been bounced from SSRI to SSRI sence I was 13, but they never did anything. Ordinarilly, it's been pretty easy to deal with. I've just accepted depressed as my natural state of being and gone on with life. Now though... all I want to do is sit around and cry all the dame time, about the most worthless and stupid shit. This from a person who on average cries maybe once a year.

I was told by 4 doctors I was infertile. 4. In two different states. I LIKED being infertile. I'm not a huge fan of kids, I'm not good with them. I didn't want the responsibility of a kid. I'm not ready, fiscally or emotionally, for a kid. And so when I found out about being pregnant, my first thought was an abortion. My mistake was telling my family. We'd never talked about their views on the subject. I was told either to keep the child, or be excommunicated from the family. My SO is so very happy over a child. His family is happy. My family is... disapointed. And me? I'm bitter, and I'm afraid because of it I'm going to be a terrible mother.

Worse yet, because of my infertility, I don't bleed normally. It's 2 or 3 times a year at best, and so I had no idea I was pregnant for 4 1/2 months. I just thought I was getting a little chubby. I'm already chubby, so it was easy to blow off as bad college diet. So I continued living life as I defined it as normal - 3 or 4 beers on the weekends (thankfully I've never been an everyday or heavy drinker), a joint or two whenever I had a migrane, and about 1/2 pack a day of cigarettes. While the docs have rulled out any mass deformity or genetic problems, I'm terrified he's not going to be normal, and it's going to be my fault that he's messed up. I don't know if I can live with that, looking at my son everyday and knowing I ruined his life.

I'm freaking out. It is impossible to talk to my SO about this, obviously. He's just so happy about the baby. Baby this, baby that... Every time he starts rubbing my stomach and cooing about the "baaaaaaaaaaaaaaby" I feel sick, miserable, and guilty because I'm just not happy about it, and I don't think I will be.

I'm hoping that this isn't the way it will always be. I've read that some mothers do get worse depression during the last trimester, and I was wondering if any other mothers here had this happen, and what they did about it, because right now I'm at the end of my rope, and he hasn't even been born yet!

06-13-2005, 12:40 PM	#1 (permalink)
Disk_Pusher Tilted Location: Fresno, soon to be Sacramento!	Depression During Pregnancy It's taken me a while to write this. I can't seem to say what I want to clearly, and I've spent more time re-writing this than I should have. I'll soon be going into my 7th month of pregnancy, and I'm miserable. I've never been a happy person and I've been bounced from SSRI to SSRI sence I was 13, but they never did anything. Ordinarilly, it's been pretty easy to deal with. I've just accepted depressed as my natural state of being and gone on with life. Now though... all I want to do is sit around and cry all the dame time, about the most worthless and stupid shit. This from a person who on average cries maybe once a year. I was told by 4 doctors I was infertile. 4. In two different states. I LIKED being infertile. I'm not a huge fan of kids, I'm not good with them. I didn't want the responsibility of a kid. I'm not ready, fiscally or emotionally, for a kid. And so when I found out about being pregnant, my first thought was an abortion. My mistake was telling my family. We'd never talked about their views on the subject. I was told either to keep the child, or be excommunicated from the family. My SO is so very happy over a child. His family is happy. My family is... disapointed. And me? I'm bitter, and I'm afraid because of it I'm going to be a terrible mother. Worse yet, because of my infertility, I don't bleed normally. It's 2 or 3 times a year at best, and so I had no idea I was pregnant for 4 1/2 months. I just thought I was getting a little chubby. I'm already chubby, so it was easy to blow off as bad college diet. So I continued living life as I defined it as normal - 3 or 4 beers on the weekends (thankfully I've never been an everyday or heavy drinker), a joint or two whenever I had a migrane, and about 1/2 pack a day of cigarettes. While the docs have rulled out any mass deformity or genetic problems, I'm terrified he's not going to be normal, and it's going to be my fault that he's messed up. I don't know if I can live with that, looking at my son everyday and knowing I ruined his life. I'm freaking out. It is impossible to talk to my SO about this, obviously. He's just so happy about the baby. Baby this, baby that... Every time he starts rubbing my stomach and cooing about the "baaaaaaaaaaaaaaby" I feel sick, miserable, and guilty because I'm just not happy about it, and I don't think I will be. I'm hoping that this isn't the way it will always be. I've read that some mothers do get worse depression during the last trimester, and I was wondering if any other mothers here had this happen, and what they did about it, because right now I'm at the end of my rope, and he hasn't even been born yet! __________________ Some people push the envelope - I push the disk!