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I spent a good amount of time with my mother on the phone yesterday, and she told a few things I've found useful. She can be harsh, but really, I'd much rather someone be harsh and totally honest.
1) The situation sucks. The doctors, now, in the past, and in AZ, all suck. There is very little to be done about the doctor, as I can't afford something outside of what my shitty PPO provides me, and I should be greatful I have access to the level of medical care I do. The situation can't be changed, and whining about how I was infertile does nothing to terminate the pregnancy.
2) Therapy and "talking about it" isn't going to help. It can't change anything. All it does is serve to make me more bitter as I repeat the truths of the situation that equate to me being wronged by this child. No shrink is going to preform psychic surgery and dispatch of my problem. The only option I have left is to quit my bitching, here and elsewhere, and be productive.
3) The only option I have left is to pull myself up and do my goddamn job, perriod. There is no excuse for letting myself be a bad mother. I should be greatful for the good things I'm getting which I don't deserve (my words, not hers) and get on with it. I'm not dead, I'm not mentally or phsically handicaped, and so the only excuse I have for not doing my best is that, in effect, "I don't feel like it", and that's a pretty fucking sad reason not to do ANYTHING.
4) And if all of the above requires me to bury how miserable I am for the sake of the kid and my relationship with my SO, so be it. My misery has no right to impede their happiness and their lives.
This is the distilled version from a 2 hour conversation. It's very, very weird to be agreeing with her on anything. I'm tirred of thinking about it all of this in all honesty, so I'm going to go back to bed. I'm not sure why I woke up at 6 Am thinking this was so important to say in any event.
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Some people push the envelope - I push the disk!
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