View Single Post
Old 06-20-2005, 02:33 AM   #8 (permalink)
Disk_Pusher
Tilted
 
Location: Fresno, soon to be Sacramento!
Thank you all for your input... it's good to know I'm not going totally crazy.

When I said it's impossible to talk to my SO, it's not for lack of trying. It's just every time I've tryed to bring it up, he always ends up getting hurt. Every time, it's turned into "you hate the baby" or worse yet, "you hate the baby because it's mine". I never say those things, it's just how he hears what I try to say. It's really damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I show that I'm depressed, we have the *talk* that ends up with him getting hurt (and I've tryed every way of speaking about how I feel that I can, the result is the same) and if I run around with a frantic happyhappy attitude, I keep the peace but feel miserable for having to be fake around someone I always used to be honest with.

The doctor was... less than helpful. Even after explaining my mother's severe post-partum depression along with my own depression, she blew me off. I'm not sure what I'm suposed to do to make her take me serriously. Maybe next time I'll wear some blood red contacts and speak in tounges. On second thought... no. But it's fun to think about. I also got the lecture on being fat. I was 160 - now I'm 200 lb. I don't know how it happened - I haven't changed my eating habits. But better yet, because of it, people don't see a pregnant woman - they see a fat woman letting it all hang out. I've always been modest to a fault, and now I've found I'm uncomfortable going out in public without my sweatshirt to hide my stomach. My SO gets bothered because he says I'm doing it because I'm ashamed. Well, to be perfectly frank, I am. But I can't say that, or else it makes him upset.

I think what's really driving me insane is having to justify to my SO and family why I don't feel the way I do all for the sake of social harmony. I don't understand why they ask and pry, and then get all butthurt when their assumptions turn out to be correct. I supose the truth of how I'm feeling is a very ackward thing for other people to understand. I really wish I understood this behavior. When I ask someone, "What's the matter, you look like you're feeling down," I'm damn well prepared for them to say, "Yeah, yeah I am feeling down" or whatever. But my SO, both families, they seem shocked and hurt when they get an honest answer. The only I knew IRL who didn't exhibit this behavior was my girlfriend from years ago, and I know she'd laugh her ass off if she knew what happened. The price for fraternizing with filthy males, she's say. She was one of those uber-lesbians, the kind that can't stand the fact that reproduction invariably involves men. Why she even got with me is beyond me.

I wish I had a dog. I miss my dogs at home. They are so much better than my family, than most people (present cyber-company obviously excluded) at understanding and listening. Damn no pets policies.

Please forgive me if I've ranted - it's too late for me to even care about proofreading this, which is prolly a good thing. I'd end up going back and sensoring what I said to make myself feel better, because if it isn't writen, it doesn't exist. How's that for some jacked up hormonal logic?
__________________
Some people push the envelope - I push the disk!
Disk_Pusher is offline  
 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360