Thank you all for your input... it's good to know I'm not going totally crazy.
When I said it's impossible to talk to my SO, it's not for lack of trying. It's just every time I've tryed to bring it up, he always ends up getting hurt. Every time, it's turned into "you hate the baby" or worse yet, "you hate the baby because it's mine". I never say those things, it's just how he hears what I try to say. It's really damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I show that I'm depressed, we have the *talk* that ends up with him getting hurt (and I've tryed every way of speaking about how I feel that I can, the result is the same) and if I run around with a frantic happyhappy attitude, I keep the peace but feel miserable for having to be fake around someone I always used to be honest with.
The doctor was... less than helpful. Even after explaining my mother's severe post-partum depression along with my own depression, she blew me off. I'm not sure what I'm suposed to do to make her take me serriously. Maybe next time I'll wear some blood red contacts and speak in tounges. On second thought... no. But it's fun to think about. I also got the lecture on being fat. I was 160 - now I'm 200 lb.
I don't know how it happened - I haven't changed my eating habits. But better yet, because of it, people don't see a pregnant woman - they see a fat woman letting it all hang out. I've always been modest to a fault, and now I've found I'm uncomfortable going out in public without my sweatshirt to hide my stomach. My SO gets bothered because he says I'm doing it because I'm ashamed. Well, to be perfectly frank, I am. But I can't say that, or else it makes him upset.
I think what's really driving me insane is having to justify to my SO and family why I don't feel the way I do all for the sake of social harmony. I don't understand why they ask and pry, and then get all butthurt when their assumptions turn out to be correct. I supose the truth of how I'm feeling is a very ackward thing for other people to understand. I really wish I understood this behavior. When I ask someone, "What's the matter, you look like you're feeling down," I'm damn well prepared for them to say, "Yeah, yeah I am feeling down" or whatever. But my SO, both families, they seem shocked and hurt when they get an honest answer. The only I knew IRL who didn't exhibit this behavior was my girlfriend from years ago, and I know she'd laugh her ass off if she knew what happened. The price for fraternizing with filthy males, she's say. She was one of those uber-lesbians, the kind that can't stand the fact that reproduction invariably involves men. Why she even got with me is beyond me.
I wish I had a dog. I miss my dogs at home. They are so much better than my family, than most people (present cyber-company obviously excluded) at understanding and listening. Damn no pets policies.
Please forgive me if I've ranted - it's too late for me to even care about proofreading this, which is prolly a good thing. I'd end up going back and sensoring what I said to make myself feel better, because if it isn't writen, it doesn't exist.
How's that for some jacked up hormonal logic?