Calling all subbies - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

galaxygirl · 04-28-2003, 04:50 PM

Hello ladies,

Some of you may have noticed in my introduction that I mentioned that I was collared to i8one2. I was wondering if there are anyother submissives on the board. If so, are you currently in a D/s relationship? Looking for one? Collared or not?

Galaxy

JadziaDax · 04-28-2003, 05:42 PM

Have been in a strictly D/s relationship once, and other D/s type relationships. I'm a natural sub. My first Dom found that to be so funny because what drew him to me was my strength. He thought of me more as a Domme (I couldn't stop laughing when he said that).

Presently things are at an exploring stage. Gotta love exploring limits and such.

And I didn't get a chance to say this before, Galaxy... Congrats. I know you will be very happy because I know that i8 will be a wonderful Dom (teach him well

).

Somenosuke · 04-28-2003, 07:06 PM

I personally identify as a submissive, though I am not completely opposed to topping. I have made an attempt at a D/s relationship, but unfortunately, due to conflicting interests/schedules, it eventually dissolved. Unfortunately, the guy who was my Dom was a bit "off" psychologically, and I didn't realize it until after the relationship had ended. I haven't heard from him for a while. Not sure I would want to. Having been blinded by my adoration for him, I didn't realize just how "off" he was. He was quite far out there.

There was a point where I came very close to being in another D/s relationship with an older man (much older), but I suppose life had other plans. My current relationship does not have a strong D/s element to it as of yet, but we have talked about exploring with one another sometime in the near future.

G0dd3ss · 04-28-2003, 07:53 PM

Maybe I'm a little naive...or just simply uneducated on the matter, but I was wondering exactly what a D/s relationship is.

In this question, I mean, what are the "qualifications" of having said relationship.

I'm totally interested in learning something I know nothing about.

Xapphire · 04-29-2003, 04:59 AM

definitely sub, but I'm an unruly one... I think much of it comes from the fact that Jaiddin isn't so much opposed to learning, as he thinks he knows it all already, and he's been that way since the day I met him. He's an arrogant prick, but I still love him, but I can't submit to him 24/7. I would love to be in a 24/7 D/s relationship, but I wouldn't. I have 3 little girls and I don't think that I'm capable enough of submitting fully and still raising them to be strong-willed, capable, I can do anything if I put my mind to it women.

cheerios · 04-29-2003, 06:33 PM

G0dd3ss: D/s is short for dominant/submissive, if that's what you're asking. As for what a D/s relationship involves well.. I'm about as in the dark as you are, on that one. My roommate says I'm the whipped one in our relationship, if that counts

Jadz, Somen, one of you ladies wanna explain a little better?

JadziaDax · 04-30-2003, 03:02 PM

Sure cheers, I'd be glad to give a little light on the subject. And since D/s and BDSM are closely related, I will quote an article that says it all:
From The Wizdomme Pages

Quote:

In essence, D/s and BDSM refer to a consensual relationship between a dominant partner (or top) and a submissive partner (or bottom). Each person understands their place in the relationship, and activities can range from casual sexual encounters to intense scenes involving pain and punishment to around the clock live-in committed relationships, and anything in between. Many people have BDSM fantasies and never act on them, but BDSM participants develop their fantasies, incorporate them into real-life situations and live them out.

It's easier to describe what BDSM is not:

It's not about leatherclad whip-wielding cartoon characters.
It's not about people with no self-pride being treated like doormats.
It's not about modern-day slavery and kidnap victims being held hostage and forced to do things against their will.
It's not about cruelty and abuse.
It's not about what any one person, book, article, or website says it is.
It's not about the same thing for everyone -- in fact, it's as individual as the individuals involved.

In most relationships there is a dominant partner and a submissive partner. Their roles are usually vague and not acknowledged, but they are still there. People usually fall into these roles over time and it's often a convenient and practical way for a couple to divide up the responsibilities of their daily lives according to their individual preferences and abilities. One person is usually the sexual aggressor and decision-maker, and the other generally "goes along".

In D/s relationships, these dominant and submissive roles are defined and agreed upon. These roles may be limited to sexual activities, or the dominant may make all decisions in all areas of the relationship, or anywhere in between. Many people write and sign contracts describing exact expectations and responsibilities of both people. Either person may have limits about things they are not willing to do, and these can be included in the agreement. Physical BDSM and inflicting of pain may be involved, or the agreement may revolve around duties and behavior control, or sexual fetishes, or anywhere in between. Problems arise in a D/s relationship when communication or trust break down, or if one person feels less important than the other, which leads to frustration and self-esteem issues for both.

Many people who would never consider themselves "BDSM people" have experimented with sexual bondage, or at least wanted to try it. Often people are hesitant to talk about these feelings with their partners, which can lead to unfulfillment, arguments, and breakups. In a loving, healthy relationship, fantasies should be open to discussion -- even if the other partner isn't willing to act on them -- but if it's out in the open, it will lessen the chance of frustrations and blame being placed where it doesn't belong.

BDSM is infinite in what it can involve, and there is no Right or Wrong way to go about it... there is only safe or unsafe.

Some people like to spank or be spanked, whip or be whipped, flog or be flogged, and some don't.
Some people like to tie or be tied, handcuff or be handcuffed, torture or be tortured, and some don't.
Some people like to make all decisions or have all decisions made for them, and some don't.
Some people like to humilitiate or be humiliated, discipline or be disciplined, and some don't.
Some people like to collar or be collared, walk another on a leash or be walked, and some don't.

People exploring BDSM for the first time are often like kids in a candy shop. Someone who has fantasized about control, bondage, humiliation, spanking, whipping, threesomes, group sex, etc. can easily get carried away when first acting on those impulses -- but there is never any substitute for knowledge, caution, common sense, practice, and experience. Have fun, explore, experiment, but be careful: serious physical and psychological harm can result from taking something farther than you or your partner are prepared for.

If there are specific questions from anyone, I would be more than happy to answer them.

cheerios · 04-30-2003, 04:37 PM

thanks, Jadz

that was a good article!

onodrim · 04-30-2003, 07:20 PM

Thanks Jadz, very informative

I'd say in general, I have a more submissive nature than dominant. So I guess I'd be the "s" part of the D/s relationship.

NetterButter · 04-30-2003, 10:22 PM

weirdly enough, i used to have low self-esteem and lots of insecurities, but i am totally the dom in my relationship. and he digs it too, cuzz he's always like, "so what do you want me to do now??" its cool sometimes too when he takes over but that doesn't happen too often, i won't allow it. ;-)

cheerios · 04-30-2003, 10:53 PM

go Netter!

so, what's "collared" mean, in the first post? I mean, i assume it refers to wearing a collar, but is there more significance than that?

Xapphire · 05-01-2003, 05:08 AM

Can't speak for GalaxyGirl, but when I put on my collar for Jaid, I am publicly/openly showing my submission to him, but I'm the one who puts it on, not him saying put on your collar. He tells me when to take it off, but the first step is mine.

I'm "collared" to him because he is the only one I will ever put that collar on for. We've discussed him handing me over to another with the collar on, but we haven't talked it through enough to even look for that right other person to be allowed to handle me. I'd like a female dom I think.

JadziaDax · 05-01-2003, 06:17 AM

Think of the collar as a wedding ring of sorts, a symbol of the D/s union/relationship.

In most D/s relationships, the Dom/me* does not tell the sub to put on his/her collar. The Dom/me puts it on for him/her. In a strict D/s relationship, the sub does not remove the collar unless given permission by the Dom/me.

* Dom/me stands for both the male and female Dominant (Dom for male, Domme for female).

galaxygirl · 05-01-2003, 02:42 PM

Wow, I get wrapped up in work/kids for a few days and the thread explodes! That was a great article Jadz! And thank you for the congrats. i8 doesn't seem to need much training, he's a natural at being a Dom.

As for what my collar signifies to me...I wear a collar of consideration - like an engagement ring. He asked me if I would accept his collar and be his submissive and I said yes, and he put the collar on me. (Ok, it was a little more elaborate and romantic than that but I have to run out the door to buy soccer cleats in a minute).

I have a necklace that I wear all the time, and a leather collar that I wear when I see him. It signifies that we are together, as a couple in a committed relationship, that he will care for me, and respect me, and teach me, and that I will care for him, respect him, and obey him.

We don't play (engage in BDSM activties) with others at the moment, but we have discussed it. We barely have enough time to see each other as it is!

One of the reasons I accepted Sir's collar was that he is interested in exploring the whole breadth of D/s - not just the play, not just control, but working at incorporating it into a loving caring relationship, in which we both function as equals and grow together.

cheerios · 05-01-2003, 09:13 PM

so can you have a non-collared relationship then? is that like "seeing people" as opposed to having a steady boyfriend?

and, how does being submissive fit into an equal relationship, galaxygirl? (I hope that doesn't sound like rude, it's not meant to be, but I don't get it..?)

JadziaDax · 05-02-2003, 03:16 AM

Yes, there are collared and non-collared D/s relationships. And the "going steady" analogy would probably be the best way to describe it.

As far as the equal relationship... A Dom/me and a sub make a "unit". Together, they are more powerful than alone. The Dom/me learns from the sub as much as the otherway around. Think of this as a Ying and Yang situations where one complements the other and the two exist in complete harmony.

There are completely different types of D/s relationships all stemming from what the "s" is standing for in terms of the submission. There is everything from the submissive who has almost as much say in the relationship as the Dom/me to the comlplete slave who is at his/her Dom/me's will. Where the relationship twists and turns is absolutely determined by the submissive (and you thought the Dom/me had all the power).

I've seen vanilla relationships that emulate D/s (including my mother's relationship). I've been in relationships that did as well. But I can tell you that having been in D/s relationships has actually helped my self-esteem and given me certain confidences I never would have had otherwise.

Minty · 05-02-2003, 03:27 PM

My last relationship was a D/s one.
It was interesting to explore and experence, and i fitted into the Sub role quite well... but i like to experiment. Sometimes i wanted a go at being dom, or i just want a hug or a laugh... but my other half wasnt really into that and was strictly dom all the time.
I think we split up really because he wanted to play dom and i got bored and wanted a change... and was fed up when he woudent give me a hug when we were having sex

G0dd3ss · 05-03-2003, 08:49 AM

That was very informative, JadziaDax. Thanks.

Hmmm...I wouldn't say I'm in a D/s relationship, but I really do enjoy my man being in control in the bedroom at least 95% of the time. I do love to be spanked, cuffed and choked during sex. I can't even explain why...it's just soooo much more exciting to me.

But, outside of that, I really like having control of certain things. We have a mostly equal relationship.

~springrain · 05-04-2003, 03:49 PM

Wow... great thread...

I have a lot of thoughts and this topic... as i am a submissive... married to and serving my Husband/Dominant/Friend of 15 years...

I have to agree with Xapphire here... i am completely devoted to my husband, and freely show my submission... through my collar, and many other things. What makes my submission lasting, meaningful and full of depth for me, is my DECISION to do so. In my opinion... submission should not come from a place where you feel you "have to"... or have so little a sense of yourself that you know no different.

My husband has always said what he loves most about me is my fire... which btw includes a hell of a lot of stubborn pride, tenacity, and difficulty in surrendering. All of which make my submission that much more meaningful.

*shrug*... just my two cents... as i have learned in this lifetime... to each their own... and if it works for you and yours, and you are happy and healthy together?... more power to you.

~springrain · 05-04-2003, 03:52 PM

*just re-reading*...

JadziaDax said:

As far as the equal relationship... A Dom/me and a sub make a "unit". Together, they are more powerful than alone. The Dom/me learns from the sub as much as the otherway around. Think of this as a Ying and Yang situations where one complements the other and the two exist in complete harmony.

WELL SAID! I could not agree more.

raeanna74 · 05-04-2003, 05:52 PM

I would probably define myself as submissive in desire. In my current relationship though I have evolved to me a little bit more directive in day to day simply because hubby comes home and just wants to crash no more decisions. I do the finances and stuff too. When it comes to sex though I crave the submissive role. Hubby isn't strongly dominant but I have had more dominant partners and seek them out usually. In my definition the best dominant person has the submissives desires and well being always in mind and is careful to respect those. If not then it becomes abusive. Just my experience though.

galaxygirl · 05-04-2003, 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by cheerios
so can you have a non-collared relationship then? is that like "seeing people" as opposed to having a steady boyfriend?

and, how does being submissive fit into an equal relationship, galaxygirl? (I hope that doesn't sound like rude, it's not meant to be, but I don't get it..?)

Jadz answer some of this already, but I have been thinking alot about the question you asked, Cheerios. It may be hard to understand from the outside, but I find that in a good D/s relationship (and all of mine have not been good) I have been a more equal partner than in many of my non- D/s relationships. Everything i8 and I do is discussed and negotiated. We talked for weeks about likes, dislikes, fears, desires before we ever engaged in any bondage or other D/s activities.

And it's the same in all other aspects of our relationship. I know that I can always say no to anything and I will be respected (unlike in my marriage, where no meant 20 minutes of wrestling before I got pissed off and slept on the couch.) We share the clean up duties - actually I think he probably does more, but then he is the neat freak.

I am not always submissive and so the challenge of submitting to His will even when I'm not feeling submissive is part of the attraction of D/s for me.

Thanks for making me think, Cheerios!

cheerios · 05-04-2003, 09:23 PM

you're welcome GalaxyGirl, it's an interesting thing to step back and think about. and yeah, it's definitely hard to understand from the outside, but i think that lack of experience is what really causes it to be puzzling.

suviko · 05-11-2003, 10:53 AM

I am bi and switch, figuring out where I am with every new people. I have tried 24/7 D/s and a less strict systems. While I don't want there to be much physical pain, the sadism has somehow taken over and spread from bedroom to be real relationship violence which I didn't want. When I say this out loud, kinky people start screaming that I shouldn't feed generalizations like I was saying it's always that way. It's been like that For Me, every time I've seriously pursued relationship with fixed power positions and I have let go of that idea.

I know couples which are equal and the women are quite dominant personalities that could call 'emselves feminists and still they are subs. One of them is the chairman of the board in my local kinky club and she has published an auto-biography so she is a celeb in the circles. She lamented that many men see her in TV or read her interviews and then come to her at the parties, trying to prove her how good domme she'd be 'cos she appears to be so strong willed and bold person.

dd3953 · 01-27-2008, 06:53 PM

I've never been in a D/s relationship. I didn't even know about them til last year. A friend of mine is a Domme and she was telling me about. The more she talked about it the more I've thought about it, I am a sub, period. And hearing her tell me, "yeah, you're a natural sub," makes me want to try one. But guess I would have to have a Domme find me first.

AngelaSI · 01-30-2008, 12:09 PM

I tend to be the submissive one. Sometimes I get the urge to "rape" my man if you will, but that's only for "special" occasions

abaya · 01-30-2008, 01:59 PM

Daaaamn, 5 year old thread... but this one's a goodie. Didn't know that this conversation had ever taken place on TFP before. Wonder what happened to all these old members?

We just got back from seeing the new Ang Lee film, "Lust, Caution." There's an intense BDSM-type sex scene in the middle (rated NC-17, at least the uncut version that we saw) that I found to be very hot. The guy was in charge, though... would be interesting to see a similar scene with the role reversed.

dd3953 · 01-31-2008, 04:23 PM

Okay, so here is a question: does D/s always include S/M or B/D? Like can you have the Domme/sub relationship without the "kinky" other stuff?

I respect people, and you gotta do whatever it is that gets you hot - that's your business. But if I like the D/s but don't want the other stuff? Is that even possible or is it no longer an D/s relationship?

ShaniFaye · 01-31-2008, 04:27 PM

yes its entirely possible

D/s - In context of relationships and social interactions, this acronym stands for Dominance and submission.

Dominance (also called Domination) - In terms of BDSM and D/s, this term refers to taking control of a person or situation through usage of some means (such as physical, mental, financial, etc), or to exercise this power. A person who exercises this power on a regular basis, outside of BDSM scenes, is called a Dominant; the gender specific titles being Dom for a man, Domme or Dominatrix for a woman.

submission - In BDSM and D/s, this refers to the act of yielding to something or someone; also refers to the state of submitting. This may be through the manipulation of a Dominant or Top. Typically, someone who submits on a regular basis, outside of a BDSM scene, is referred to as a submissive. Submissives who submit to an extreme degree are called slaves.

dd3953 · 01-31-2008, 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShaniFaye

yes its entirely possible

D/s - In context of relationships and social interactions, this acronym stands for Dominance and submission.

Dominance (also called Domination) - In terms of BDSM and D/s, this term refers to taking control of a person or situation through usage of some means (such as physical, mental, financial, etc), or to exercise this power. A person who exercises this power on a regular basis, outside of BDSM scenes, is called a Dominant; the gender specific titles being Dom for a man, Domme or Dominatrix for a woman.

submission - In BDSM and D/s, this refers to the act of yielding to something or someone; also refers to the state of submitting. This may be through the manipulation of a Dominant or Top. Typically, someone who submits on a regular basis, outside of a BDSM scene, is referred to as a submissive. Submissives who submit to an extreme degree are called slaves.

That is great to know. Both of these meaning contain "outside of a BDSM scene," so I could (if given the chance) make the perfect sub for some lady, without all the BDSM stuff. That makes me happy.

ItWasMe · 01-31-2008, 08:35 PM

I don't think I necessarily fit the D or the s. I don't have the desire to control others. But I do have a strong desire to not be controlled by others. I tend to go with the flow alot, if the path is going where I generally want to go. But I don't necessarily lead or follow. More like I travel with someone who is walking on the same road, until I decide to take a turn. Not sure what that would be considered.

geeksusie · 02-07-2008, 09:28 AM

I guess I would have to classify myself as a subbie. I have dated several older women, and the ones I have seem to like to be the ones in control. Not D/s, but more alpha/beta. Although some have taken it a little further. I do find it to be a turn on.

Kaimi · 02-08-2008, 04:05 PM

*Raises her hand*

Here as well. I find it the ultimate in a satisfying relationship. Many people are misled to believe that the Dom would be a selfish and critical partner reacting only to his needs. In truth it is a relationship that is so incredibly bonded by trust it is almost a magical experience. Sure, it is not right for some. Unfortunately, it is considered taboo and most people have it all wrong. I can say that I have been in the most typical vanilla-type relationships. I found them unsatisfying, and they strayed elsewhere in some cases. In a D/s relationship nothing really happens without a clear consent. If straying is done it would be in a manner that would be completely unhidden, not to mention agreed upon. Everything done in fact is agreed upon, I have filled out contracts of such in the past.

In any case, I assure you that it is not all about being left black and blue, it is completely different from domestic assault(to those who see it as only a S&M type thing) It is enlightening, finding your limits and your significant others limits as well. Incredibly freeing and arousing to me personally. I don't know if I could ever fall back into the norm again.

starburst · 03-03-2008, 06:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by abaya

We just got back from seeing the new Ang Lee film, "Lust, Caution." There's an intense BDSM-type sex scene in the middle (rated NC-17, at least the uncut version that we saw) that I found to be very hot. The guy was in charge, though... would be interesting to see a similar scene with the role reversed.

I saw it a few weeks ago and have never seen such intense dominating sex on a woman in a mainline theatre. It was absolutely hot hot!!! His lust and control of her body was incredible. Fabulously erotic and guaranteed to leave you wet!

04-28-2003, 04:50 PM	#1 (permalink)
galaxygirl Insane Location: NH	Calling all subbies Hello ladies, Some of you may have noticed in my introduction that I mentioned that I was collared to i8one2. I was wondering if there are anyother submissives on the board. If so, are you currently in a D/s relationship? Looking for one? Collared or not? Galaxy

04-28-2003, 07:06 PM	#3 (permalink)
Somenosuke Insane Location: The 7th Level..	I personally identify as a submissive, though I am not completely opposed to topping. I have made an attempt at a D/s relationship, but unfortunately, due to conflicting interests/schedules, it eventually dissolved. Unfortunately, the guy who was my Dom was a bit "off" psychologically, and I didn't realize it until after the relationship had ended. I haven't heard from him for a while. Not sure I would want to. Having been blinded by my adoration for him, I didn't realize just how "off" he was. He was quite far out there. There was a point where I came very close to being in another D/s relationship with an older man (much older), but I suppose life had other plans. My current relationship does not have a strong D/s element to it as of yet, but we have talked about exploring with one another sometime in the near future. __________________ Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

04-28-2003, 07:53 PM	#4 (permalink)
G0dd3ss Crazy Location: O-H-I-O	Maybe I'm a little naive...or just simply uneducated on the matter, but I was wondering exactly what a D/s relationship is. In this question, I mean, what are the "qualifications" of having said relationship. I'm totally interested in learning something I know nothing about. __________________ It's best not to be too moral...you cheat yourself out of too much life. - Maude, Harold and Maude.

04-30-2003, 07:20 PM	#9 (permalink)
onodrim Cosmically Curious Location: Chicago, IL	Thanks Jadz, very informative I'd say in general, I have a more submissive nature than dominant. So I guess I'd be the "s" part of the D/s relationship. __________________ "The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there’s little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides" -Carl Sagan

04-30-2003, 10:22 PM	#10 (permalink)
NetterButter Crazy Location: in a hole, ventura county,cali	weirdly enough, i used to have low self-esteem and lots of insecurities, but i am totally the dom in my relationship. and he digs it too, cuzz he's always like, "so what do you want me to do now??" its cool sometimes too when he takes over but that doesn't happen too often, i won't allow it. ;-) __________________ www.holeinthe.net

04-28-2003, 05:42 PM	#2 (permalink)
JadziaDax Loser Location: who the fuck cares?	Have been in a strictly D/s relationship once, and other D/s type relationships. I'm a natural sub. My first Dom found that to be so funny because what drew him to me was my strength. He thought of me more as a Domme (I couldn't stop laughing when he said that). Presently things are at an exploring stage. Gotta love exploring limits and such. And I didn't get a chance to say this before, Galaxy... Congrats. I know you will be very happy because I know that i8 will be a wonderful Dom (teach him well ).

04-29-2003, 04:59 AM	#5 (permalink)
Xapphire Crazy Location: Dallas TX (close enough)	definitely sub, but I'm an unruly one... I think much of it comes from the fact that Jaiddin isn't so much opposed to learning, as he thinks he knows it all already, and he's been that way since the day I met him. He's an arrogant prick, but I still love him, but I can't submit to him 24/7. I would love to be in a 24/7 D/s relationship, but I wouldn't. I have 3 little girls and I don't think that I'm capable enough of submitting fully and still raising them to be strong-willed, capable, I can do anything if I put my mind to it women.

04-29-2003, 06:33 PM	#6 (permalink)
cheerios Banned Location: 'bout 2 feet from my iMac	G0dd3ss: D/s is short for dominant/submissive, if that's what you're asking. As for what a D/s relationship involves well.. I'm about as in the dark as you are, on that one. My roommate says I'm the whipped one in our relationship, if that counts Jadz, Somen, one of you ladies wanna explain a little better?

04-30-2003, 04:37 PM	#8 (permalink)
cheerios Banned Location: 'bout 2 feet from my iMac	thanks, Jadz that was a good article!

04-30-2003, 10:53 PM	#11 (permalink)
cheerios Banned Location: 'bout 2 feet from my iMac	go Netter! so, what's "collared" mean, in the first post? I mean, i assume it refers to wearing a collar, but is there more significance than that?

05-01-2003, 05:08 AM	#12 (permalink)
Xapphire Crazy Location: Dallas TX (close enough)	Can't speak for GalaxyGirl, but when I put on my collar for Jaid, I am publicly/openly showing my submission to him, but I'm the one who puts it on, not him saying put on your collar. He tells me when to take it off, but the first step is mine. I'm "collared" to him because he is the only one I will ever put that collar on for. We've discussed him handing me over to another with the collar on, but we haven't talked it through enough to even look for that right other person to be allowed to handle me. I'd like a female dom I think.

05-01-2003, 06:17 AM	#13 (permalink)
JadziaDax Loser Location: who the fuck cares?	Think of the collar as a wedding ring of sorts, a symbol of the D/s union/relationship. In most D/s relationships, the Dom/me* does not tell the sub to put on his/her collar. The Dom/me puts it on for him/her. In a strict D/s relationship, the sub does not remove the collar unless given permission by the Dom/me. * Dom/me stands for both the male and female Dominant (Dom for male, Domme for female).

05-01-2003, 02:42 PM	#14 (permalink)
galaxygirl Insane Location: NH	Wow, I get wrapped up in work/kids for a few days and the thread explodes! That was a great article Jadz! And thank you for the congrats. i8 doesn't seem to need much training, he's a natural at being a Dom. As for what my collar signifies to me...I wear a collar of consideration - like an engagement ring. He asked me if I would accept his collar and be his submissive and I said yes, and he put the collar on me. (Ok, it was a little more elaborate and romantic than that but I have to run out the door to buy soccer cleats in a minute). I have a necklace that I wear all the time, and a leather collar that I wear when I see him. It signifies that we are together, as a couple in a committed relationship, that he will care for me, and respect me, and teach me, and that I will care for him, respect him, and obey him. We don't play (engage in BDSM activties) with others at the moment, but we have discussed it. We barely have enough time to see each other as it is! One of the reasons I accepted Sir's collar was that he is interested in exploring the whole breadth of D/s - not just the play, not just control, but working at incorporating it into a loving caring relationship, in which we both function as equals and grow together. __________________ Drawing strength from His acceptance, offering all that I am and ever will be

05-01-2003, 09:13 PM	#15 (permalink)
cheerios Banned Location: 'bout 2 feet from my iMac	so can you have a non-collared relationship then? is that like "seeing people" as opposed to having a steady boyfriend? and, how does being submissive fit into an equal relationship, galaxygirl? (I hope that doesn't sound like rude, it's not meant to be, but I don't get it..?)

05-02-2003, 03:16 AM	#16 (permalink)
JadziaDax Loser Location: who the fuck cares?	Yes, there are collared and non-collared D/s relationships. And the "going steady" analogy would probably be the best way to describe it. As far as the equal relationship... A Dom/me and a sub make a "unit". Together, they are more powerful than alone. The Dom/me learns from the sub as much as the otherway around. Think of this as a Ying and Yang situations where one complements the other and the two exist in complete harmony. There are completely different types of D/s relationships all stemming from what the "s" is standing for in terms of the submission. There is everything from the submissive who has almost as much say in the relationship as the Dom/me to the comlplete slave who is at his/her Dom/me's will. Where the relationship twists and turns is absolutely determined by the submissive (and you thought the Dom/me had all the power). I've seen vanilla relationships that emulate D/s (including my mother's relationship). I've been in relationships that did as well. But I can tell you that having been in D/s relationships has actually helped my self-esteem and given me certain confidences I never would have had otherwise.

05-02-2003, 03:27 PM	#17 (permalink)
Minty Upright Location: England	My last relationship was a D/s one. It was interesting to explore and experence, and i fitted into the Sub role quite well... but i like to experiment. Sometimes i wanted a go at being dom, or i just want a hug or a laugh... but my other half wasnt really into that and was strictly dom all the time. I think we split up really because he wanted to play dom and i got bored and wanted a change... and was fed up when he woudent give me a hug when we were having sex

05-03-2003, 08:49 AM	#18 (permalink)
G0dd3ss Crazy Location: O-H-I-O	That was very informative, JadziaDax. Thanks. Hmmm...I wouldn't say I'm in a D/s relationship, but I really do enjoy my man being in control in the bedroom at least 95% of the time. I do love to be spanked, cuffed and choked during sex. I can't even explain why...it's just soooo much more exciting to me. But, outside of that, I really like having control of certain things. We have a mostly equal relationship. __________________ It's best not to be too moral...you cheat yourself out of too much life. - Maude, Harold and Maude.

05-04-2003, 03:49 PM	#19 (permalink)
~springrain Banned Location: central USA	Wow... great thread... I have a lot of thoughts and this topic... as i am a submissive... married to and serving my Husband/Dominant/Friend of 15 years... I have to agree with Xapphire here... i am completely devoted to my husband, and freely show my submission... through my collar, and many other things. What makes my submission lasting, meaningful and full of depth for me, is my DECISION to do so. In my opinion... submission should not come from a place where you feel you "have to"... or have so little a sense of yourself that you know no different. My husband has always said what he loves most about me is my fire... which btw includes a hell of a lot of stubborn pride, tenacity, and difficulty in surrendering. All of which make my submission that much more meaningful. shrug... just my two cents... as i have learned in this lifetime... to each their own... and if it works for you and yours, and you are happy and healthy together?... more power to you.

05-04-2003, 03:52 PM	#20 (permalink)
~springrain Banned Location: central USA	just re-reading... JadziaDax said: As far as the equal relationship... A Dom/me and a sub make a "unit". Together, they are more powerful than alone. The Dom/me learns from the sub as much as the otherway around. Think of this as a Ying and Yang situations where one complements the other and the two exist in complete harmony. WELL SAID! I could not agree more.

05-04-2003, 05:52 PM	#21 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	I would probably define myself as submissive in desire. In my current relationship though I have evolved to me a little bit more directive in day to day simply because hubby comes home and just wants to crash no more decisions. I do the finances and stuff too. When it comes to sex though I crave the submissive role. Hubby isn't strongly dominant but I have had more dominant partners and seek them out usually. In my definition the best dominant person has the submissives desires and well being always in mind and is careful to respect those. If not then it becomes abusive. Just my experience though. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

05-04-2003, 09:23 PM	#23 (permalink)
cheerios Banned Location: 'bout 2 feet from my iMac	you're welcome GalaxyGirl, it's an interesting thing to step back and think about. and yeah, it's definitely hard to understand from the outside, but i think that lack of experience is what really causes it to be puzzling.

05-11-2003, 10:53 AM	#24 (permalink)
suviko Banned	I am bi and switch, figuring out where I am with every new people. I have tried 24/7 D/s and a less strict systems. While I don't want there to be much physical pain, the sadism has somehow taken over and spread from bedroom to be real relationship violence which I didn't want. When I say this out loud, kinky people start screaming that I shouldn't feed generalizations like I was saying it's always that way. It's been like that For Me, every time I've seriously pursued relationship with fixed power positions and I have let go of that idea. I know couples which are equal and the women are quite dominant personalities that could call 'emselves feminists and still they are subs. One of them is the chairman of the board in my local kinky club and she has published an auto-biography so she is a celeb in the circles. She lamented that many men see her in TV or read her interviews and then come to her at the parties, trying to prove her how good domme she'd be 'cos she appears to be so strong willed and bold person.

01-27-2008, 06:53 PM	#25 (permalink)
dd3953 Psycho: By Choice Location: dd.land	I've never been in a D/s relationship. I didn't even know about them til last year. A friend of mine is a Domme and she was telling me about. The more she talked about it the more I've thought about it, I am a sub, period. And hearing her tell me, "yeah, you're a natural sub," makes me want to try one. But guess I would have to have a Domme find me first. __________________ [Technically, I'm not possible, I'm made of exceptions. ]

01-30-2008, 12:09 PM	#26 (permalink)
AngelaSI Upright	I tend to be the submissive one. Sometimes I get the urge to "rape" my man if you will, but that's only for "special" occasions

01-30-2008, 01:59 PM	#27 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	Daaaamn, 5 year old thread... but this one's a goodie. Didn't know that this conversation had ever taken place on TFP before. Wonder what happened to all these old members? We just got back from seeing the new Ang Lee film, "Lust, Caution." There's an intense BDSM-type sex scene in the middle (rated NC-17, at least the uncut version that we saw) that I found to be very hot. The guy was in charge, though... would be interesting to see a similar scene with the role reversed. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

01-31-2008, 04:23 PM	#28 (permalink)
dd3953 Psycho: By Choice Location: dd.land	Okay, so here is a question: does D/s always include S/M or B/D? Like can you have the Domme/sub relationship without the "kinky" other stuff? I respect people, and you gotta do whatever it is that gets you hot - that's your business. But if I like the D/s but don't want the other stuff? Is that even possible or is it no longer an D/s relationship? __________________ [Technically, I'm not possible, I'm made of exceptions. ]

01-31-2008, 04:27 PM	#29 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	yes its entirely possible D/s - In context of relationships and social interactions, this acronym stands for Dominance and submission. Dominance (also called Domination) - In terms of BDSM and D/s, this term refers to taking control of a person or situation through usage of some means (such as physical, mental, financial, etc), or to exercise this power. A person who exercises this power on a regular basis, outside of BDSM scenes, is called a Dominant; the gender specific titles being Dom for a man, Domme or Dominatrix for a woman. submission - In BDSM and D/s, this refers to the act of yielding to something or someone; also refers to the state of submitting. This may be through the manipulation of a Dominant or Top. Typically, someone who submits on a regular basis, outside of a BDSM scene, is referred to as a submissive. Submissives who submit to an extreme degree are called slaves. __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

01-31-2008, 08:35 PM	#31 (permalink)
ItWasMe But You'll Never Prove It. Location: under your bed	I don't think I necessarily fit the D or the s. I don't have the desire to control others. But I do have a strong desire to not be controlled by others. I tend to go with the flow alot, if the path is going where I generally want to go. But I don't necessarily lead or follow. More like I travel with someone who is walking on the same road, until I decide to take a turn. Not sure what that would be considered. __________________ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Ok, no more truth-or-dare until somebody returns my underwear" ~ George Lopez I bake cookies just so I can lick the bowl. ~ ItWasMe

02-07-2008, 09:28 AM	#32 (permalink)
geeksusie Upright Location: Albany, NY	I guess I would have to classify myself as a subbie. I have dated several older women, and the ones I have seem to like to be the ones in control. Not D/s, but more alpha/beta. Although some have taken it a little further. I do find it to be a turn on.

02-08-2008, 04:05 PM	#33 (permalink)
Kaimi Crazy	Raises her hand Here as well. I find it the ultimate in a satisfying relationship. Many people are misled to believe that the Dom would be a selfish and critical partner reacting only to his needs. In truth it is a relationship that is so incredibly bonded by trust it is almost a magical experience. Sure, it is not right for some. Unfortunately, it is considered taboo and most people have it all wrong. I can say that I have been in the most typical vanilla-type relationships. I found them unsatisfying, and they strayed elsewhere in some cases. In a D/s relationship nothing really happens without a clear consent. If straying is done it would be in a manner that would be completely unhidden, not to mention agreed upon. Everything done in fact is agreed upon, I have filled out contracts of such in the past. In any case, I assure you that it is not all about being left black and blue, it is completely different from domestic assault(to those who see it as only a S&M type thing) It is enlightening, finding your limits and your significant others limits as well. Incredibly freeing and arousing to me personally. I don't know if I could ever fall back into the norm again.