little_tippler

I was chatting with a close friend of mine over this topic and we both agreed that a lot of men have unrealistic expectations of the women they're with. It's silly though...if you're really loving someone and who they are, that is so minor.

I loved what girldetective had to say about the object becoming more important than the living person (it makes sense and I'd never thought of it that way), and what mixedmedia said about how bodies "should" develop...great thoughts there.

My last boyfriend told me the fact that he felt I was "overweight" would eventually cause us to break up because it turned him off. I am 5'4" and currently weigh 113 lbs. Back then I weighed 123lbs. Twisted huh? *shrug* He messed with my head...but then, I let him.

At the end of the day, I just want to be with someone who's happy to be with me, flaws and all.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

abaya

Whoa. I feel like a stiff breeze would blow me over at 123 lbs, and I'm 5-2"! He was beyond twisted, to be thinking that way.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

snowy

It definitely will. One of the benefits to yoga is the mindfulness aspect of it--you're much more aware of yourself, how you are are holding your body, how you are breathing, how you feel. Plus, it's something you can do anywhere, any time. It has helped me so much that I feel like I've become a yoga evangelist, promoting it to others, but it seriously turned my life around. I used to be horribly inflexible, but now I can actually touch my toes--that's a huge accomplishment for me. Plus, it corrected a number of my posture problems--also a great benefit; one of the reasons I look like I lost so much weight is because I'm finally standing up straight!

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Plummie

So glad to hear that, onesnowyowl! My best friend is advanced in yoga now (she has been doing it for seven years) and I am amazed at how much more toned, flexible, and fit she is. We played high school soccer together and we were both fit then but now she is on a whole different level now. She is in the best shape of her life at 30 and promotes the benefits of yoga just by looking the way she does! I always had this misconception that yoga was a relaxing, light workout - how wrong I was... holding those poses is a cardio workout in itself, not to mention the breathing and control involved. You have to be totally present, you can't think about anything else in that moment. It's really amazing.

__________________
Kim

Sweetpea

Seriously... that is fucked up. Thank goodness you're not with him anymore. The small amount of guys who are into that totally waif look are like posion to women's minds. 123 lbs is very thin already for that height.

I am proud of you to learn to embrace yourself and if it's worth anything, all the photos of you I have seen I have been positively knocked over by how beautiful and fit you are....

__________________
Having a Pet Will Change Your Life!
Looking for a great pet?! Click Here!
"I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

ring

Oh hey yeah.

My first husband would actually freak out if my weight jumped by 5 pounds and god forbid if I started to have curves and resemble a woman.

I am talking about going from 125 to 130 pounds as a 5'7" person.

I know he was intially attracted to me when I looked more androgynous,
downright young boyish.

I discovered later his innability to deal with his latent homosexuality.
I woulda been cool with that...but he never could, and
flatly refused to discuss it.

The most hurtful part was that he hid under the excuse that
he found me boring.

I still have pity and love for the man.

Milkyway

Let me just first say men are insane!!

Me and my man have an understanding, until he looks like Brad Pitt he can't expect me to look like Laetitia Casta. But the problem is me, I want to look like her because I know that turns him on. So maybe it is us woman who are insane. He is content to eat whatever, not shave, not workout, not try new hair or clothing styles. And I love and except him as is, so why is it that I am the one who says if I lost two or three sizes, worked out all the time (to tone shit up after two back to back babies), and let my hair grow that I could be his ultimate fantasy.

Honestly I think I have problems, he will never be my ultimate fantasy but we have great sex, so why can't I be happy not being his ultimate fantasy knowing we have great sex, and I look hot naked (I do think so!).

Yes, I think about my weight and wish I looked different, like I used to "once apounce a time". But I am unwilling to become the unhappy stressed out bitch I would need to be to put the time into it and make the changes to my life. I think I am a whole lot sexier happy and heavy than skinny and bitching, pushing my husband and toddlers around to make sure I eat my six small meals a day and workout for my two hours a day (which I know would get me there.)

Maybe one day, maybe not,
but today I know I'm hot,
just as I am, in this moment
happy, heavy and content

__________________
Yes you can get off on the same sexual experience for 24 full hours!!!!!

girldetective

I really would like to know how you came to know his ultimate fantasy woman.

. . . . .

Back to the OP.
My weight has suddenly become more important to me as of last night. I put on a new dress that I have owned for about 1.5 months and couldnt wait to wear. It is very pretty. However, when I looked in the mirror, I was swimming in it. I noticed over the weekend too that a little cotton dress Id bought in Palm Springs in March was pretty loose, and my swimsuit is a little bit hangy. Today at work Chuck looked at me with his hands on his hips and said I think youve lost too much weight, and I sheepishly agreed with him. People have told me how tiny I am, but Ive really just noticed it and I think it might be too much.

__________________
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

Milkyway

[QUOTE=girldetective]I really would like to know how you came to know his ultimate fantasy woman.

. . . . .

I have evil ways of making men talk!

And I am sorry to hear about what you are going through with your weight, my sister (in law) went through that, she was forced to increase her meat intact. Had been a healthy vegetarian before. Now she enjoys a lot of Salmon and tuna. and she takes Whey protein, that stuff body builders take to bulk up. She put on 20pounds and looks great! LOL

__________________
Yes you can get off on the same sexual experience for 24 full hours!!!!!

girldetective

Ah. So you wondered about his ideal and when he told you you became unhappy with yourself? Why did you ask knowing that you probably could not live up to a perfect fantasy woman? If you didnt ask, did you watch to see where he looked and determine which sort of person he seemed to take the most pleasure in? Why did you do that? Or, is it he simply just told you in passing, such as saying shes so pretty or whatever? If so, did you think to mention that wasnt real helpful in your relationship?

Being new again I notice things. I notice that some men sometimes make it readily apparent to us what they like a woman to look like. This is unfair to us and not helpful at all to the partnering. On the other hand, I see some women, like you, who may want to be that person for the man because I believe we girls are service oriented and like to do well for others. I have lots of experience with this, most recently being Tpop's babydoll. However, this is also not helpful to us or the relationship as far a everyday situations (opposed to funsex situations).

I have been thinking a lot about men/women and will return to this later. Right now I have to go to the bank.

__________________
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

jewels

Used to be. I refuse to be a slave to the scale. Why would an inanimate object decide if I feel good or not?

I go by the fit of my jeans. If they're getting snug, it's time to get back to work. If they're loose, I'm motivated to move down to the next smaller size.

__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain

Milkyway

I used to go by the same thing and it totally worked, once the favorite jeans are tight, time to make a few changes. No after two back to back babies I can't seem to get back into those favorite jeans and I am unhappy with my current favorites. (The kids are a nice bonus though.)

__________________
Yes you can get off on the same sexual experience for 24 full hours!!!!!

Sultana

This is an interesting topic for me at this stage of my life. As many of you know, my ex left me (ummm, after I threw him out! LOL) almost exactly a year ago. I went from being a healthy, curvy, and firm woman to very slender. Lost about 20-25 lbs. I actually really enjoyed it, but Every Single Day reminded myself that this was not my normal size, and that as I healed emotionally, I'd regain the weight.

I also noted how I really liked how my lower half looked, but my upper half was way too skinny. Grrr. I realized that I'd always have an ample bottom half if I had boobies (and I loved and missed my boobies!).

By this time I've returned mostly to my usual. It's been a bit of an adjustment, and yeah, I do want to lose about 10 lbs, just to have more wiggle room, mostly at that time of the month (when my biology betrays me horribly and predictably).

I'm actually kinda surprised by how well I've accepted being back at my reg. weight (I honestly think it's part of being more mature at 37 than I was at 27-ish). I feel good about myself, I am still *very* active and watch what I eat, although I'm not insane about it. And happily, now that I'm single I have many kind men and women telling me how hot I am, so that never hurts.

As long as I fit into the clothes I love and I'm firm, I'm good to go. I just wish my tummy weren't round, but that's just how my body has always been. But it doesn't jiggle, and that's about all I can do with it. heh.

Side note: Someone mentioned about romance dwindling when babies are born. I'm sure sometimes some of that is due to men being superficial about their momma-babies' new body, but I would venture to say that a majority of the time, it's because the new mom becomes SO FREAKIN' FOCUSED on the new baby, and views the hubby as being a baby accessory only. Ive seen that happen in nearly every couple I've known that has reproduced. It's very sad.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

Shaindra

Heh, I'm 40. I'm 5'6" and I weigh 155lbs. I'm muscular and curvy. I like my body now, stretchmarks and all. I workout to feel good. Looking better is a bonus.

I get hit on by tons of guys from 20-60. I don't resemble a Victoria's Secret underwear model, but I think that they respond to some vibe that I feel good in my skin. I've been intimate with guys ranging from 26-49. Who was it that commented on the stretchmarks? The pauchy, balding 49yo.

I think that you should eat and move to be *healthy* not to be skinny. If a man you are with is asking something different, then he's not the man for you. Real women have breasts and hips and tummies. Real mothers have stretchmarks and sagging breasts. If they want someone to not age or show the affects of childbirth, they'd better marry a blowup doll, because the rest of us are going to grow older whether they like it or not. And if they point out Hollywood as the standard to which you are to be held, show them Brad Pitt and ask for the extra $2500/month for your pilates, personal trainer, highlights, tanning, boobjob, facials, and botox.

__________________
"Never regret something that once made you smile."

snowy

Great post, Shaindra--and you ARE smokin' hot!

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

genuinegirly

Shaindra - way out! Your post is encouraging!

As a child and through early adolescence, I did not care how I looked. I refused to wear makeup, enjoyed running for the feeling of freedom, didn't care about my body odors or acne. Through high school I was focused on dressing to diminish the stares from my hourglass figure by wearing clothes that were at least three sizes too large. I hid my striking blue eyes by wearing dingy out-of-date glasses. I hid my waist-length hair in a tightly-wrapped bun. I was often the butt of jokes as the ugly girl, but it was all to plan. Only the people who saw me on stage knew the half of my potential.

As I went away to college in 2000, my sister finally put her foot down. My mom stood by her. They wanted me to represent our family with tidy, modern fashion as I went away to their religious dream school. I packed my bags with only clothing they approved and received bi-monthly packages with the latest styles. I had no choice but to look nice. So I did. That's when I gained an appreciation for fashion as a daily lifestyle choice.

I've become more body-focused within the past 4 years. Around age 21, I started facing a bit of a realization that I couldn't eat whatever I wanted. I referenced a few healthy lifestyle books and adjusted my food intake. Age 23, I took an interest in Jainism as a philosophy and made a spiritual decision to go vegetarian. Been happy with that decision.

I do not run daily anymore. I do walk, cycle, and swim. Working in the garden - pulling weeds, hand-watering, and planting - is my idea of a perfect workout. I don't know that I'll ever be as physically peaked as I was in past years, though Shaindra's post makes me think it's possible.

My weight is a reflection of my state of mind. If I am centered, happy, and focused, I am a couple of pounds lighter than I am when I am distraught or frustrated about life. I have seen the struggles of my best friend when she has (due to medication changes hinging on her epilepsy) struggled over weight roller-coasters. I have watched my obese mother fight foot-aches and deal with ailments that are intensfied by her weight. I make an active choice to avoid foods that I find irresistible, and frequently monitor my intake with senseless rules like don't eat chocolate before noon and no snacks after 8pm. The exercise in control is exhilerating.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Lindy

I weigh myself nearly every morning. I do not consider this being "a slave to the scale." It's just part of taking care of myself, same as taking a shower, brushing my teeth, or paying my bills. I usually weigh in at around 110 to 112 pounds. If the scale shows 115 or more, I fast for the day. I can only remember once having to fast for more than one day. Then I go back to really paying attention to carbs. I try to follow a modified Atkins or South Beach approach.
If I'm feeling stressed or depressed I pretty much quit eating without knowing it. If the scale shows much under 110, I force myself to eat ice cream and pizza (yes, carbs!) for a few days. I've been emotionally fairly even keel for the last couple of years, and haven't had to do the ice cream thing.
While I've had an uncle and a couple of cousins who have really struggled with weight, I've been blessed with fairly stable weight, for which I am grateful. But I try to be watchful for changes so I can take action before it becomes a problem. A couple of pounds I can lose easily. I shudder to think of having to deal with losing 25 or 30 pounds.

Lindy

saffire

Since childhood I was always overweight and struggled with dieting. I would diet and lose 10 or 20 pounds, only to gain it back and add on a few more pounds over the years. My entire life was spent thinking about food and anticipating the next meal or snack that I was going to eat. I hated myself for the lack of self-control that I had when it came to eating. I ate when I was happy, I ate to celebrate, I ate when I was sad, I ate when I was depressed, I ate when I was angry, I ate when I was hungry and I ate when I was not.

Over the years I ballooned to over 250 pounds and continued to try diets that would give me short term success. In 2006, at age 36, my weight started impacting my health in a serious way. I developed sleep apnea, my feet began swelling, I was unable to climb a flight of stairs without becoming winded and my primary care physician told me I was on the fast track to diabetes. I had chronic fatigue, severe depression and not only low self esteem, but a severe self loathing. It impacted not only me, but my family as well. I was unable to do activities with my family because of my size and my inability to be active. My low self esteem and depression caused huge rifts in my marriage. I was not living, only existing. I felt hopeless.

In addition to all of the negativity I placed on myself, I felt judged and condemned both socially and professionally. Going out in public, I saw the stares people gave me and the judgment that was passed on me in glances. In the professional environment, co-workers and colleagues would do the same. I felt that based on my appearance alone they thought I was lazy, unmotivated, sloppy and uncaring. This was not the person I felt I was inside. I felt trapped in a shell that was nothing like who I was.

In 2007, as I packed on another 55 pounds, bringing me to a whopping 305 pounds, I decided I could not and did not want to live this way any longer and began exploring the options of weight loss surgery. I was looking at having to lose more than 150 pounds. After researching weight loss surgery options, I discussed the options with my husband, who was supportive and adamant that I only take this step if I was doing it for myself. I decided to schedule a consultation with you to find out if I was a candidate for the gastric bypass surgery.

At my consultation, I was comforted to find out that my doctor also had gastric bypass surgery and could identify with the struggles of dieting, the judgments people make and the negative self image I had developed.

I decided to have the gastric bypass surgery because I wanted a permanent, lifelong solution to the eating problems I had faced my entire lifetime. I had my surgery in December 2007.

Now that a little more than six months has passed since my surgery, I am living a totally different life. I have lost a little more than 100 pounds. I no longer need a breathing machine to sleep at night. One month after my surgery, my feet stopped swelling. I am able to be active with my family. I enjoy foods that I never did before and I don’t miss the junk I was eating one bit. I now enjoy exercising and look forward to it. I take pride in my appearance where I did not before. I have recovered from my deep depression and like the person that I am now. My relationships personally and professionally have improved by leaps and bounds. And, I can finally cross my legs when I am sitting—something I have not been able to do in more than 10 years. I feel like I have been given a new chance at life—an active and exciting one!

snowy

Saffire, welcome to the Ladies Lounge. Thank you for your story. I'm glad to hear you're doing well with your lifestyle change. Keep it up!

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

ngdawg

To quote a popular movie line: "I'll have what she's having."
How fortuitous that I'm reading this now. Thanks.

genuinegirly

saffire - what a remarkable story. Such a negative downward spiral - wonderful that you found a physician who was willing to help you break it. Such a positive change~!

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

HedwigStrange

I am quite sensitive about my weight, and while I don't check the scale very often, the changes in how my clothes fit often determine how I feel on any day. Being only 5' 1", I don't have a lot of space for curves, so even though I'm not overweight (116?), I feel very squat. I feel like a little over-stuffed burrito wondering through life.
I feel like an absolute whale around my boyfriend. He is 5' 6" and 113 (with no effort at all). He is fucking skinny, in other words. I think sometimes that I might crush the poor man when we're in bed. When I ask him about my weight, he usually avoids answering, which I take to mean that he would prefer me skinnier, but either doesn't want to hurt my feelings, or he doesn't want me angry at him. It could well be my misconception and self-consciousness, but it seems like he avoids touching certain parts of me in bed- my stomach, my thighs, my love handles. Sigh. I exercise some - biking, hiking, working as a landscaper, but I find the gym boring, and I detest running. I would probably feel a hell of a lot better if I lost 15 lbs, but I love baking and cooking and eating, and I don't exercise enough to do more than keep me toned and at my current weight. Sigh.

mademoiselle

anti fishstick

i am sad to say i used to be obsessed with getting down to 100 lbs. or less (I am only 5' 3/4" though..). But It would consume my thoughts to the point where I was hardly even working out at all, and just self-negating myself for not being at the weight I wanted to be, and continuing to eat unhealthy... I had gained about 10 lbs. over the winter, because, the funny thing is, I *used* to be 100 lbs. and STILL wasn't satisfied. I currently hover around 108-111 and I am a lot happier with how I look than I used to be. I learned to just not worry anymore because it was silly, wasted energy. I still work out, so I just try to judge things by how I feel, and not necessarily how I look, or the weight on the scale. My mind is much more calm about appearance, I think also in part because I eat better than I used to (try to eat 5-6x a day). However, I would still probably be upset if I got bigger than what I would think a reasonable setpoint for me would be. I don't like how I feel when I'm out of shape, and certainly don't like how I look when I'm out of shape either. I find that if I just try to work out regularly, I feel better about myself in general. So I try to just keep the negative thoughts/obsessions at bay. Right now, I weight train about once a week with a trainer, and have joined a walking group and will join a running group this weekend! I'm getting quite bored of the gym so I'm trying to socialize and get a work out at the same time by joining groups or playing tennis... Keeping active is really important to me.

thing is, i also TRY to be of the "health at every size" mindset, and fat acceptance. I've never been overweight in my life but I still think it's a cool concept to accept people of all shapes and sizes. Here is a link to a great post about the "fantasy of being thin" and how you should love yourself just the way you are... The Fantasy of Being Thin Kate Harding’s Shapely Prose

__________________
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~Anais Nin

Ayashe

I am very concerned about watching my weight and my eating habits. I keep a very close eye on both. Unfortunately for several months I have had other health issues and have not been able to get much exercise. I will admit that I have gained some weight during this time though not too much. It is rather absurd that I have practically freaked out over a measly 10 pound weight gain. It definitely doesn't help when you hear the male propaganda spinning in the background either. One week out of surgery I have already started walking about 1.5-2 miles twice a day. My body isn't ready for me to get into anything very rigorous yet, but I am on my way.

Falconclaw240

The actual number doesn't bother me, I usualy judge it off of how I feel
if I get too heavy, then i'll *Feel* like I weigh wayyy too much and i'll throw myself into exercise for a while
I hover between 130 and 140lbs at 5'3, which is the weight i'm suppost to be, but my legs always appear pretty unappitising to me, despite the running I do
Being as pale as I am doesn't help the way they look either. I've always found I have no problem with anyone seeing any part of me, but my upper theighs *shudders and draws blanket over legs*