*Nikki*

Literally until I was in my early 30's I never gave my weight much thought. I am tall, so if anything people were always telling me I was too thin. Being tall made it seem that way I guess, I was however the correct weight for my height. Well since the 30's have come along and I had a baby, so much has changed. First I went through a lot to lose the "baby weight". Now I have found that even though I am back where I was before I got pregnant, I can gain weight so much easier then before. I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted. So I have become pretty obsessed with my weight and I really don't like how I look in pictures when I compare myself to pre-baby and pre-marriage. This has in turn really lowered my self esteem. I feel resigned to being a frumpy stay at home mom, and I feel like food and my weight control me now.

I don't get a ton of exercise and I don't really seem to care! I was doing it hardcore but then it just kinda got boring to me. I have such a hard time sticking with anything!

Laugh-O-Matic

I am weight conscious. i used to be into sports when I was younger, and after I joined college, I quit it altogether. All the muscle I had built up during those years just turned into puppy fat and it's a real b*tch to burn it off.

I avoid doing weights since they'd only make me more bulky. I veer towards cardio, usually on the elliptical trainers and the cycle, and do yoga for an hour or so daily.

@Nikki: Same here. I went with all gusto to the gym for a few weeks, and then I started getting irritated. I try to eat a healthy meal, but chocolates are just too tempting!

__________________
How you bore me, Florrie,
With those eyes of vacant blue;
You'll be very sorry, Florrie
If I marry you.
Though I'm easy-goin', Florrie,
This I swear is true,
I'll throw you down a quarry, Florrie,
If I marry you. - Saki.

diddagirl

Aghh.... seems like I have spent almost my entire life being consumed with my weight. After my parents divorce when I was a child...I think I turned to food as comfort...and so my struggles with weight began. When I hit puberty, I seemed to naturally grow out of my chubiness and was thrilled with my new naturally thin body. After high school...everything changes. The weight just went on faster and faster and it seemed I took longer to notice.... next thing you know, I am 40 plus pounds overweight. After alot of failed efforts and some will power... I am back at a weight I am fairly happy with, but would feel super hot within myself if I was about 10-15 pounds lighter.
I swear- do any guys ever spend this much of their life obsessing with their weight?

__________________
"Is it so small a thing to have enjoyed the sun, to have lived long in the spring, to have loved, to have thought, to have done."
-Matthew Arnold

snowy

I'm not really conscious of my weight, per se--I'm conscious of how I feel. When I got really heavy, too many things started going wrong with my body. I felt awful when I hit my top weight, and feeling so ucky and talking to the doctor about it made me realize how unhappy I was to be at that weight. I was depressed, and my doctor's number one suggestion was to start exercising. So I started doing that. And then I realized that my acid reflux disease needed attention beyond just popping pills, because the pills weren't working, and started paying much closer attention to how I ate in order to combat that. Weight loss was also recommended in that situation, and to correct spinal lordosis caused by too much weight through my belly pulling on my spine. So I lost weight for health reasons.

Now I've hit a new set point, and my body has adjusted to that. I could lose more, but I'm not really motivated to do so--I feel good as is. I weigh myself occasionally, when I feel like it. My health issues are largely gone. I'm physically fit and active. I don't think I could go back to the way I was; I don't want to ever feel like that again, now that I know what it feels like to feel really good.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Jenna

To summarize: I try and wish I wasn't concerned about it as I am.

It's gotten a lot better over time, but it's still an ongoing struggle. I think I struggle between meeting beauty standards and enjoying myself. I somehow think my life would be so much better if I was thinner, but yet I love eating good food and I really hate most exercises (running, jogging, etc).

I guess what it'll boil down to is my health. Right now, I'm considered slightly overweight. Do I want to live my life unhealthy like that? I just don't know if it's worth it.

creepysusie

For me, it has been a never ending battle with my weight. I grew up in an Asian house hold. My mother had merely told me to get me to get more exercise and not eat so much junk as a child. But even though she was obsessive about that, it were really my aunts on my mother's side that have dished out the most abuse towards the weight issue.

I was always the tallest, so i was heavier than the girls, even the older ones. But with them, it was always a contest to see, "who had the prettiest daughter" and I always came in dead last, except in my mother's eyes.
Since I was 7, I retreated to food for comfort and most of my teen years, my average weight made me feel disgusting, and have resorted to binge eating and bulimia.

Yeah, I definately have problems with my weight. Even now and again, when I'm depressed or sad, I will resort to purging as an escape. It's tough, but hey, i'm much better at managing my problems now, than I was before. Mainly because I refuse to associate with my shallow aunts now.

Even now, I know I am overweight, but I don't sweat it. I eat what I want when I want. But not in a fashion that would be considered over eating. I'm trying to get more exercise in my routine, since my boyfriend bought me half of my road bike, and surprisingly enough, I love it.

I'm just happier accepting myself than have other people worry or critisize it.

KRM28152

Oh yes, I do obsess about my weight. Growing up, I was a chubby child, tipping the scales at about 140 when I graduated high school.

When I went to college, I was determined to lose the weight and I did, getting down to 125.

Then through a series of unrelated events (meeting my SO, quitting the job that kept me running all night and moving to a desk position, walking around campus 3-4 a night on the phone, working out 30 mins a day...blah blah) I gained it all back. Now, I'm 150 lbs and I hate it.

I've tried working out, but it never works fast enough for me and I get discouraged. Then, as a student, there's always something to do so eating healthy is harder.

We'll see, maybe.

__________________

“I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.”

PonyPotato

I get concerned about my weight when I feel like I LOOK chubby. When my clothes don't fit as well, I start to feel really crappy.

I was working out hardcore with a personal trainer for my last three months at school. I didn't lose weight (actually gained about 8 lbs in muscle), but I got a smaller waist and I looked better. I felt great.

Now, I work almost 60 hours a week (two jobs) and I hardly have time to have sex with my boyfriend or ride my horses, which are my primary forms of exercise (other than working at the barn) at the moment. It's a bit depressing to have lost the drive to go to the gym, but I just don't have the time, since my commute is 45 minutes to an hour every day. I'm still hoping to find a gym on the way to/from work so I can stop for a 30 minute workout a few days a week on my way home.. it will make me feel a lot better about myself. Crompsin notices the difference in me when I exercise vs. when I don't.

And personally.. I find I get more out of lifting weights than cardio. I usually do a 10 minute warmup on a treadmill and then work large muscle groups, rather than smaller "detail" muscles.. leg press, hamstring curls, chest (bench press/butterfly), back (row, some free weight stuff too), arms, and abs. It was really good for me.. I wish my personal trainer was still around to kick my ass.

__________________
"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

little_tippler

I'm a little paranoid about my weight since at 17 I had to take cortizone for a time and it totally changed my body. Everyone now says I'm still really thin, but I used to be like a rake, and liked it. I used to be able to eat anything and not gain an ounce. Now I have to watch what I eat...not a lot, but enough that it bothers me. I also have a huge appetite...though in the past few years I have learned to control it, and can't eat as much as I could before - which is a good thing.

It doesn't help that some of my closest friends are thinner than me and very attractive. I just want to fit in! Heh.

I get a little paranoid sometimes. It's not that I'm worried what other people think. But to feel good about myself, I'd definitely lose a few more pounds around my middle. Then I'd be happy - I know so because last summer I was a few pounds thinner and I felt pretty awesome.

I hate gyms but have tried on and off to stick with that. Now I work out at home and go surfing instead. Treadmills are so boring. Surfing is an excellent full body workout...I always come out of the water beat. I'm sure if I could do it more often I'd be a lot more toned pretty fast. As it is, I'll settle for not looking half bad with my clothes on.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

abaya

I've never been terribly concerned about my weight, though I think that's mostly because anytime I start to hover above my set point, I increase my exercise and tone down my food intake and get it to a healthy level. So I've never been overweight, though I've never been skinny, either. I just feel fine about my body, overall, and I self-regulate pretty successfully (so far).

However, right now (about to turn 29) I'm rather terrified of what having kids will do to my body. Not just the tearing and stretching of my vagina (oh yay), but to my metabolism and body type overall. Strong and stocky genes are dominant in my family, and while that's served me well until now (I'm proud of being athletic and able to demand a lot from my body, rather than being a fragile waif), all the women in my family got bigger after their children were born. Some of them are still extremely active and athletic, but they look chubby, bordering on fat. It makes me want to avoid the whole pregnancy thing right now, and just adopt.

I suppose it doesn't really help that the only thing ktspktsp admits to being a turn-off for him would be weight gain. He doesn't care if I don't shave my legs or haven't plucked my eyebrows for weeks, or if I have a wart on my foot or am having a bad hair season... so I guess I can stop being insecure about those things! But he said that weight gain tends to be a big deal for men--which is honest, but terribly frustrating, since it seems to be one of those universal things that women struggle with, especially after childbirth. I mean, talk about irony, eh?

I can see if someone is just "letting themselves go," that of course it might have some consequences in the bedroom/attraction factor. That's just laziness. But if someone is working out regularly, eating well, and still looks rather beefy (like my aunts do--Icelandic genes, somewhat like German women)... what is a woman supposed to do? She goes through pregnancy, gives birth to children, and is still expected to have the body of a 22 year old for the rest of her life?

Personally, I don't mind the bodies of my aunts and relatives at all. I think it's fine that their bodies look like that, after all they've put them through to that point. If someone is 50 years old and able to climb a mountain with no problems because she is in such good health, after raising several children to boot, then why should she have to make herself look 22 just to be "attractive" to her man? As if all the other things added up don't mean anything in terms of "attraction?" I really don't get it.

I'll feel lucky if I am as strong and active as my aunts are today. And you should see their husbands! Talk about unattractive... who cares about physically (they look fine), their personalities are horrible, they're anti-social as hell, can't make a conversation to save their lives. And yet, somehow it's justifiable for a man to think, "I'm visual, which means that I might not feel like fucking you if you get fat, even if that's due to carrying and raising our children." If all the women in the world were to make statements like that about their men, about how "unattractive" their mates' personalities become after a certain age... well! Our species wouldn't get very far, would it?

/off my soapbox... this topic has just got me riled up lately.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

PonyPotato

Ohhh, the man and I spoke about this before, too. Honestly, I don't see myself gaining a ton of weight through pregnancy (and I only really want one child, so hopefully the "multiple children in a limited amount of time limiting chances of weight loss" thing won't apply), but it really upsets me to think that a man whose child I would carry wouldn't want to have sex with me after (and during?) pregnancy until I lost the weight associated with it. Having a child is hard enough on a person's mind and body, rejection wouldn't really increase motivation to get back into shape after such an ordeal, in my opinion.

I have beefy shoulders and arms (seriously, shirts that fit my waist almost NEVER fit my arms), as well as a round butt, and it worries me that I may be predisposed to get chubby in those areas after I have a child. Pregnancy scares me.. but at least I have quite a while before I will seriously need to think about it.

__________________
"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

snowy

Wow, abaya and merleniau--your posts make me sort of glad that when I met my SO I was fat and have since lost the weight, so he had to get to know the fat me first. He's made it clear that he doesn't care what weight I am so long as I am happy with myself.

Men need to understand that the body changes irrevocably during pregnancy and birth. Yes, you can get back to being in shape and looking good, but it takes time. Real women aren't like actresses you see looking fine two weeks after birth--we don't have legions of personal trainers to whip us into shape and we don't have chefs to whip us up special whatever-the-diet-of-the-moment-is meals. What I want to know is if the father wants the mother to work out so badly, is he going to step up and make sure she has the time and energy to do so? Because I know what it's like to take care of children--including newborns--for hours a day, and it can be exhausting. It's a workout in and of itself. After a full day of that, and doing it day after day after day--no, you don't want to go to the gym.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

abaya

Exactly.

If we're going to start making demands on our spouses to "be" a certain way before/after children, I think women have a *LOT* more room to make demands on equalizing the child-rearing process. I'm not saying that ALL men contribute less to the whole child-raising process than women do (I know a few stay-at-home dads, who are awesome), but in general, I think most people recognize that women get stuck with more child-rearing burdens than men do. Most women's bodies and careers take serious hits, not to mention the sleep schedule (at least while breast-feeding).

So sure, I'll work out hard-core for a year before and after having a child, if the man's willing to drop out of his career for that same amount of time and take a part-time job at the bookstore in order to be around for more child-care responsibilities, and let me earn the big bucks and make my ass attractive again at the gym while he changes diapers and listens to a wailing mouth all day and night.

Yeah, can anyone tell that I STILL don't want children yet?!? And that's fine. The only solution I can see is the way they do it in Iceland... both man and woman get equal amounts of paid leave after the birth (3-6 months minimum, EACH!). That's never going to happen in the US, unfortunately.

And yes, once again... precisely.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

Eweser

I come from a family where everything revolved around food. It was our social gathering. When I was growing up I was incredibly active and could eat anything I wanted whenever I wanted. My mom warned me that when I quit being so active it would catch up to me, but I didn't listen. After I stopped playing softball in college, I slowly started putting on the pounds. It was so slow that last year I got up to 164 (on a 5' 4" frame) pounds and started getting depressed by the way I looked, especially in pictures. I started a body building diet at the end of July and have gotten down to 139; but more importantly I have decreased my body fat by almost half (30+ to 17.5).

I'm not worried so much by the scale as how I feel and how my clothes fit. I'd like to get down to 16% body fat so I can get into that bikini by the end of summer , but I just feel so much better physically and mentally. I have more confidence in myself now, which I know shouldn't be the way it is, but it is.

I have learned enough about myself to know that I will struggle with my weight and image my whole life. But since I have lost the amount I have in the past year, I don't feel as though I'll never be able to control it. I've proven to myself I have the willpower to make it happen.

On the SO: he's so awesome.

I was fit when we got together, then got heavy. He never said a negative word about it. When I decided to try to lose the fat, I asked him what he thought and warned him our meals might be different. He said whatever I wanted to do, he would go with me on. We've found a lot of meals that we both like.

__________________
"Whoever wrote this episode should die!"

*Nikki*

Pregnancy really does a number on your body. I know that there are woman out there who look just as great if not better after having a baby, but those are few and far in between. I never really had any of these issues at all until I gave birth. I mean you can't have your skin strectched that taunt for that long and not have some repercussions. I had a very tight, firm build everywhere on me I am lucky that I did not get stretch marks on my stomach but I do have them on the sides of my breasts. This is not really noticeable at all unless I am naked and even then is not that bad. The main thing that bothers me is my stomach. It was so flat and even now with weight loss I have realized it will never ever be like it was.
The thing is, this problem I have with my body and weight is all me. My husband loves how I look and tells me all the time. He has never ever complained and in fact tells me he likes the little more meat on my bones I HATE IT THOUGH. I want to go back to being super thin!!!

abaya

By the way, I should amend my post to say that this would be my hypothetical response to the hypothetical situation of a man demanding that I get in good shape and stay in good shape before/after the baby, in order to make sure I remained "attractive" to him.

However, on my own initiative (something I have thought about long before being with a guy), I would rather just be in good shape years before having a kid, because I'd rather bring my kid into the world from a healthy body. Hence why I try and make the gym a regular thing NOW, and intend to keep it that way for as long as possible into the future (just returned from running a 5K at midnight in Iceland, woo-hoo!), for my own sake as well as my future kids'.

My only issue with this whole deal is a guy making weight loss a "requirement" for attraction, when one is already trying hard enough to stay in good shape, but might not have the build or the bones to be "skinny." I never have, and I doubt that's going to reverse itself after children!... but if for whatever reason I do end up gaining some weight after pregnancy, I am slightly afraid of a decrease in being attractive to my husband, and that bothers me right now. What if, for whatever reason, no matter how hard I work out, I can't get back to how I used to look? I don't like the fact that this should ever matter.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

abaya

Where are all the ladies? I'm surprised at how few responses there are to this thread so far...

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

little_tippler

I think possibly we're all cringing...

and unsure what to say. Because most of us have felt this insecurity with guys before.

I know how you feel abaya. I have been there. Not married, but in the same dilemma of thinking "why should this even matter?" yet knowing it does... and the more I thought about it, the more it was hurtful and made me sick.
I think this is mostly true in young couples. I don't see why it should be quite as relevant as it seems to currently be.

All I can say is how I'd feel if it was turned around. What if my partner gained weight and was unable to lose it straight away, or ever?

Ok, context is of some importance here. Though when I like someone, I like them, full stop. Nobody's perfect...some people will turn you on more, visually, than others. I do think that once you get to know someone well, it's the whole package that grabs you, and makes you want them more completely. For example, you could have two identical twins and one could be your boyfriend but it's clear which one will turn you on most...the one who knows you and that you know best. The one who makes you laugh and can't keep his hands off you. The one who you can talk to for hours on end and seems to know your thoughts.

So if this amazing guy I was into, gained a little weight, I wouldn't hold it against him, I'm sure. I'm not talking suddenly obese...though it could happen. I still have a hard time thinking I'd drop the guy just for that. I'd more likely break up over personality changes or changes in personal goals than I would over appearance. Because bodies change...men's also of course.

I know myself...when I like someone, it takes a lot for me to go off them so strongly - usually the deal breaker is if they are causing me harm. When I feel a strong connection with someone, I want them to be happy, and hope they feel that I'm there for them when they need me. I am willing to be totally supportive as I hope they will be of me. It really isn't as hard as people make it out to be. You just need to be a little less self-centered.

Ialso think if a partner is feeling frail, or depressed, or does not have the strength to achieve a particular goal at a particular phase of their life, that I'm willing to accept them as they are anyway. Relationships take effort...but I think that just because someone doesn't do x or y bcause you expect them to should automatically mean that they don't care enough for the relationship to be meaningful to them. I hate it when people assume that.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

ngdawg

To this and the others thinking if they work out before pregnancy, they'll be in better shape after....
I belonged to a gym, was in fantastic shape, then got pregnant.....end of nice abs, nice butt, nice anything. As a friend told me when I lamented my huge middle after giving birth, "It took nine months to get that big, did you really think you'd get back to where you were right after?" Well, yea....
If your man loves you for your bodyshape, he's not worthy of your love. Granted, I think we all have an obligation to be the best we can for our mates, but that goes both ways.

I'm tall and until my mid-30's, I was skinny. Eight years after my pregnancy, I managed to get skinny again. In the past 11 months, because of my job change and visits to many diners, I have gained 18 lbs. But I don't intend on losing it all, just 10, but now that I'm older, it's impossible. I go down three, get in a mood and eat them back on. I seem to have plateaued as I haven't gained any MORE weight, but it'd be nice to not have to adjust the jeans while pulling them on, plus tight clothes exacerbates my IBS. My guys love me as I am, so the fretting is all mine. One even sent me the song "Get Over It" by the Eagles.
We want to be perfect because that's what media tells us our men want. But, if they love us, we already are.

abaya

For the record, I am not the one suggesting that I will be in better (or even similar) shape after pregnancy. I'm fully aware that my shape will change, most likely permanently... I don't have a problem with that, or at least I *didn't* have a problem with that. But a lot of men do. Not sure if you misread what I said, but that's the very idea I *disagree* with.

Personally, I'd like to be able to have a baby and *hopefully* have the time to work out, but also not feel insecure about my sex appeal if I don't have the time... and end up looking like 90% of real-world mothers out there (which is, extra pounds--not obese, but never going to be skinny again, that's for sure). I would like to accept and welcome my body for what it's going to be after the ordeal of a pregnancy or two, or three... and why is that so hard for some men to reconcile with "sexiness?" Again, I just don't get it.

I love the ancient idea of a woman's body being attractive if it had some extra weight on it (again, not obese--but extra pounds), because it signified fertility and health. I don't think anyone should be encouraged to remain fat, but if it's due to circumstances like pregnancy and child-rearing... well, can we pull our heads out of our asses a bit and have some respect for that body, instead of repulsion and rejection?

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

*Nikki*

Actually I think the only men that would have a problem with a woman who has extra weight after childbirth have never been with a woman who had a child!! I mean come on, when a man sees you go through all of that first hand it has to change his frame of mind on what he can expect your body to be like. He sees how your body changes up close and personal those nine or so (10 for me) months and there is no way in hell any man with any sense at all in his head can expect you to be the same afterward!!

I would kick a man to the curb so fast his head would spin if he for one minute made any negative comment about my after baby figure. Men get HUGE bellies for much less then carrying a child and woman are supposed to be ok with that!!

Oh and one more thing, you can't speculate how on how you will be able to work out or get in shape after having a child. When you give birth you are so wrapped up in the child's world, your own really takes a back seat. I would like to say I could work out three times a week and get back to where I was, but with the amount of energy I have left after taking care of a one year old all day, that is not possible for me.

girldetective

I dont want to imagine having the father of my child telling me I was unattractive due to the weight gain of carrying said child. That would be so incredibly hurtful. In addition, if one loses pregnancy weight back to pre-pregnancy weight, but has stretch marks, are they then labeled as unattractive? What if after nursing a woman's breasts fall or droop? Is she then unattractive?

Im getting kinda tired of men justifying their behavior with the usual "men need visual stimulation" routine that puts all of us on notice that we may not be good enough if we are not perfect. I am a woman and I am also visually stimulated, but I dont go around telling men that they need to change in order for to find them attractive. And what if one part of our body is perfect and another not? What if we have a fat bum, but perfect ankles? Fallen breasts, but great legs? Are we then less as a person?

I think this goes hand in hand with older men telling us that younger attractive women will be attracted to them. I believe in general this is untrue. When you were young were you thinking of shaggin the 50-60 yr old business man or the cute long-haired drummer of your fav local band? I was just talking with my friend J about this. I asked him to think about being 20 and having a 55 years old woman put the moves on him. It is sort of creepy. I pointed out that is probably how a 20 year old girl feels about him doing the same to her. Flattering maybe, and fun, but still sort of creepy.

Anyway, I dont worry too much about my weight, more about my height. Im naturally tall and thin (5'11"(!) and 130-140 pounds (136 today).

__________________
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

abaya

You've nailed it. To me, "justification" (of any kind, from men or women) = excuse for adhering to the lowest common denominator, not a valid reason for explaining one's perspective as being logically unassailable.

Woo-hoo, news flash: men are visual! And wait... so are women! But hey, it's okay if a man doesn't find his 10-20 lb heavier, stretch-marked post-pregnancy wife very sexy anymore, because HIS visual stimulation is somehow more important than her needs while taking care of their baby. Hmph. Someone explain to me the logic here.

I don't know... we've seen it plenty of times on TFP, as I recall. Lots of men come in here confessing their deep angst over not finding their wife sexy anymore, after having children... how the romance just slowly died afterwards. Of course, once again, not every man is like that. But I think we all know people who have been in that place, whether or not they admitted it in a public arena.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

ring

Up until menopause hit I was 5'7" and struggled to keep a healthy weight.
I ranged from 110 to 120lbs until 2004.

The hormonal changes alone caused me to gain 80 lbs in 7 months, without
a change in eating habits.

The rapid weight gain excaberated my moderate arthritus,
and for the first time in my life I experienced the not so friendly
glares that some people would freely dish out.

I strive to keep some muscle tone.
20 of those pounds I have lost.

We all get lazy about one thing or another at times.
I am grateful that my SO sees the beauty on the inside first.

I am grateful that I am still ambulatory and can see hear and feel and taste.

I do not 'worry' about my weight.

Worry is like a rocking chair...keeps you busy...and gets you nowhere.

Starshine

I probably am overweight/chunky, but I don't actually care. I only care when I feel like I ate a lot of gross things in one day just because it makes me feel sluggish.
Other than that I'm 5'8" 180lbs and I feel gorgeous. Even with being 'heavier' I hold in real well, nothing is flopping about and such. I would like to loose some weight just for health reasons, but I really wouldn't care if my jean size didn't ever go down.
I also feel great because my SO is very shallow when it comes to women's looks and he thinks I'm attractive. So weight and jean sizes are just silly numbers, confidence is what's really sexy on a woman anyways.

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noodle

i'd always been bigger than the average girl for my height, around 175 when i graduated high school.
after an ankle injury that took over a year to diagnose and with doctors trying to convince me that there was nothing wrong, that it was all in my head, i found myself miserable and at 220 lbs in 2003.
after they diagnosed the problem and did surgery to repair the stupid thing (i'd been walking on and doing physical therapy on a ruptured tendon that later hollowed out for almost two inches in length) i dropped 20 lbs just from being able to walk again and do things.
i met my current SO a year later and lost a little more.
he broke up with me because of my weight (which i didn't know until several months later).
a few months after we broke up, my mother thought i was depressed and gave me six months at the YMCA.
i dropped to 128 lbs and kinda looked a little anorexic.
i gained about 10 back and was comfortable there, throughout our on again, off again relationship.
until i took depo.
magic 10 lbs.
then i changed to yaz.
another 8.
thanks to seasonale, i've gotten up to 150.
it's not the weight, per se, that bothers me, it's the body fat.
i'm tightening up all over, under all of it.
i hit the gym a minimum of three times a week, used to be six but i started feeling the effects in my joints.
30-60 minutes of cardio and 30-45 minutes of weight training.
burn a minimum of 500 calories each time, used to do 700+ but it felt excessive and i was seeing no results.
eat sensibly, around 900 to 1500 calories per day, lots of whole grains.
haven't lost an ounce in months.
it's very frustrating.
i'm debating a tubal ligation to be able to get off the hormonal birth control.
my SO has been on the same plan until he started BJJ, and he lost 25 pounds and probably three inches off his waist and 8% of his body fat.
he can't understand why i haven't.
he says that all he wants is for me to keep trying.
but he's not attracted to lots of my body, though he swears he loves me.
i'm not to mine, either.
it's frustrating, especially when he thinks i'm "cheating" on my dietary plan or the gym.
rarely, if ever.
it just makes me sad because i do try and i really do think it's the hormones just because of the drastic change within days of changing.
seriously, how else do you gain 7 pounds in 72 hours without changing anything else?



aw crap. that's how important my weight is to me. a whole screen height of diatribe.

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*Nikki*

Yes that is why I said "a man with any sense" would not have a problem with a woman's body after she gives birth to his child. You left that part of the quote out.

The one's that I see posting the kind of thing you are talking about, are we supposed to feel sorry for them?? Who feels sorry for someone who can't deal with real life woman and prefers the airbrushed version he sees on the screen??

Eowyn_Vala

I have always had an issue with my weight. When I got out of high school and dropped about 15 pounds, was about average size 10-12, the lightlest I've ever been since my freshman year, I still wasn't happy, I felt fat and overweight. My mom was always bugging my sister and I about our weight throughout high school. We were both about the same size 14. My mom is heavy and I think she just didn't want us to be that way. Well after I dropped out of college and moved in with my boyfriend at the time, later husband, I put on about 80 pounds and I didn't even seem to notice it until I had gained it all. Then it bugged me a lot. I never had the motivation to exercise though or eat healthier. Since I split from my ex and have gone through the divorce process I've lost about 12 pounds and I'm exercising and eating better. I'm feeling a lot better about myself even though I haven't lost all the weight yet, but my confidence is returning. I would be happy to be back a size 10. I'm just hoping once I get there I'm not still plagued with feeling of being fat. And I haven't even had a kid yet. Reading everyones stories on how their bodies change, I hope that I can deal with it when it happens to me.

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Cain: I know what you're doing. I've lead troops into battle before.
DG: And, how am I doing?
Cain: Well, there's less *hugging* when I do it

girldetective

So this is off OP, but relates to the related topics that have been brought up in this thread.

At work we receive complimentary copies of Psychology Today which I usually recycle, it being a ragmag and all. However, when the 08/08 issue came the other day I took it home. Why? Because the issue's main topic asks Twisted?, with a woman in leather on the cover. It piqued my interest, what can I tell you? So regarding this topic, on page 73, is this excerpt that may or may not apply to body issues, as well as maybe a reason why some get discouraged. I dont know. But, I thought of this thread when I read it.

Pg 73, excerpted:
I hope this "visual" sensitivity stuff isnt going to come back to haunt them, and us. Whats with this gettin hot to paper but not the real thing? Jeeez. We all need more lovin, not less. And whats with the business that she hears this increasingly? Whatever.

Anyway. Back to the OP : Whatever weight you are, try to keep in mind that your food, weight, and frumpishness are controlled by you now (and really always). Could you perhaps get together with other/another mom or other people who have your schedule to just hang out and maybe get yourself going just a little? Would it help to have some time to yourself, perhaps have a night of the week that is yours, when you can go to see a film by yourself, see a shrink, have a pedicure, go to the library, walk in the park, bicycle to the grocer's, or whatever. With the summer weather maybe you could get an ice cream bar and walk in the park to eat it. Then you are doing both exercise and eating sweets. I like it. The ying/yang junk appeals to me in this instance.

And you know, maybe you dont care because your interest and attention are happily on other people/situations at this time in your life and maybe you only notice your body occasionally because most of the time you are not tending to yourself. Thats what being a mom is all about though, dont you think? Perhaps unselfishly and without thought thinking of someone else. Perhaps you just havent gotten the balance right just yet, but I imagine that you will.

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As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons...be cheerful; strive for happiness - Desiderata

abaya

Well, let me play devil's advocate here, for a bit. Not all of the guys posting about this topic seem to be "lacking sense"... I'd like to give them the benefit of the doubt, that they're truly struggling with something and that they wish their minds didn't work like that, but that they're trying to sort it out before they head down the divorce or cheating road.

Not saying that we should have pity for them--I sure don't!--but I think they *are* trying to come to terms with real life (after maybe 20 years of marriage and 2-3 kids), or they wouldn't be posting about it. Our society has not prepared men to accept those kinds of changes very well... marketing tells them to go out and find a younger model, ditch the ball and chain who mothered their children and got chubby as a result. That's tough programming for the average joe to resist. Just as our society has not encouraged women to accept their bodies as healthy and whole, even if we have some extra pounds... also tough for a lot of women to resist, even if they do have supportive partners. In the end, we all have to be responsible for ourselves, I guess... and hope that our partners will be, too.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

PonyPotato

I worry about this, too. I think this is why porn bothers me quite a bit - largely when I behave like a girl in a pornographic photo (making exaggerated faces and grabbing my own breasts, for example), my boyfriend gets "omgturnedonpop." Sure, I enjoy touching myself, but how much of his arousal is due to me enjoying myself and how much is due to the "visual" aspect? If I blindfold him and have my way with him, will things not work? Will he then become an "audio" person? Or will my touches be adequate? It's worth an experiment. I don't like being called "my little porn star" - I certainly don't WANT to be a porn star.

One of my friends talked about something like this a while ago in a LJ entry. She said (paraphrasing) that it really bothers her when a man's goal is just to get her off and be good at doing so. This, to her, is an ego thing: her partner feels bad when he doesn't achieve the goal of giving her an orgasm, whether or not she enjoyed herself anyway. His goal is to be good at sex, not to allow his partner to enjoy herself. This is something that irks me, sometimes, too. I hear "you're so good at that" rather than "that felt great, thanks." It's sometimes a difficult distinction to make and I'm sure a lot of people don't analyze things this way, but I believe her thoughts make sense.

I apologize for drifting away from the OP as well, but I do think that this discussion is at least related.

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— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

mixedmedia

1. I never worried about my weight at all until I started to gain it when I turned 40. Literally. Like, I turned 40 and my entire body changed. Shape, texture, metabolism.

2. I have accepted it and now I go up and down with my weight constantly depending on how much I feel like eating. Sometimes I go through periods where I just don't want to eat. This seems to keep me in balance, lol.

3. I agree with the concerns being expressed here and more men need to realize that hotness/eroticism and phsyical 'beauty' are not mutually exclusive. I'm sick to death of this, 'but, men are visual' stuff. It's a cop-out. They are spoiled by the availability of these images and translate that into an entitlement. And, unfortunately, many, many women have bought into it and hold themselves to the same unrealistic standards.

Just to narrow down what I mean, I think the standards of beauty for women are literally unrealistic. As people age, fat accumulates on their body. For most people, not everyone, but most people. To give women the message that they shouldn't allow this to happen is beyond unfair. It is cruel. Look at women in 'uncivilized' societies. As they age and have children, their bodies become softer, rounder and accumulate fat. Conversely, if you look at men in these societies, they tend to stay leaner. Although, neither of these is an absolute. These groups tend to have good, simple diets and I think we can take from this a fair measure of how our bodies 'should' develop. I find it to be pretty ironic that so many men in our society who, as far as I can tell, are just as liable to put on weight as women, find it okay to put unreasonable (and likely unattainable) expectations on women and their weight.

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PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Alta

Weight has definitely been on and off for me as well, and it was good to read the other journeys.

I am tall, 5'10, and gained weight gradually until I was on the heavy side entering uni. There I decided to lose weight and actually dropped to 128, which is low for my height. I was okay until I turned 40, and weight crept up, and when i turned 50, wowie. I was 206 at my heaviest at age 56.

More dieting but now I also I joined a class at the YMCA. This is honestly helpful, exercising with other people. I find that I enjoy the atmosphere, that we encourage each other and that I get a positive boost. The days that the class is canceled (for various reasons) I use the machines and don't enjoy it very much. I think that if I always exercised alone that i would have quit by now. We do a mixture of cardio and weights, three times a week. The rest of the time I walk.

I am not a good dieter, but I try. I am a bit over ideal (150) now, weighing at 155.

As to body perception and comments and judging: I find that so harsh when I hear those comments. It makes me wonder how hard their hearts are.

Alta

*Nikki*

See I am 5'10" and I am 144lbs. To ME this is fat. I see myself now, comparing to the 130-135 I used to be. I want to be super skinny and toned.

However sitting here and talking about it is getting me no where!! Someone slap some motivation into me damn it!!

ngdawg

Ruh-roh...I'm 5'8" and 155....about a size 10. My stomach is what's bothering me, I have a buddah-belly.

Trust me, you are NOT fat. We all seem to think we're worse than we are. Everytime I go somewhere and see a grossly obese woman, gut hanging over the thighs, difficulty walking, no clear line between a neck and chin(s), I get REALLY grateful for the less-than-perfect body I have.

abaya

Hey, I'm all of 5'2" and my set-point has been around 130 since the end of adolescence. I feel good and healthy at this weight--definitely not fat!--but I'm not skinny, and I like it that way. The more I work out, the better I feel--even if it adds pounds (the whole muscles-weights-more-than-fat thing), it has nothing to do with the numbers on the scale.

As I said in my first post, it's not my current weight that I'm worried about, it's my weight after bearing children and generally hitting mid-life that makes me wonder what will happen to my body, outside of my attempts to control it. I guess I can only wait and see. I don't want to avoid having kids just because I'm afraid of what will happen. But it is a big scary unknown...

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

*Nikki*

abaya I have seen your photos and you have a very perfect body. When thinking about how you will look later in life, you said the women in your family tends to carry weight?? Well then yes, more then likely it will be hard for you, but you lead an active lifestyle. That in itself says a lot and will help you tons in the future.

ngdawg I said at that weight I FEEL FAT not that anyone who weighs that much is fat. I know a lot of it is in my head BUT my head and my body need to be on the same page otherwise the balance is all off for me. Does that make sense?

Oh and when we were out of town a couple of weeks ago I actually saw a man walking around that was so obese he had to lean backwards when he walked. He had to do this because his stomach was sticking out of the bottom (leg part) of his shorts!! I have never in my life seen something like this in person. Now that made me feel skinny as fucked up as that is.

PonyPotato

I'm about 5'3" and hover between 118 and 128. My mom was smaller than me when she was my age, and stayed pretty lean even after having both me and my sister, just gained a considerable amount of weight after she had a full mastectomy and reconstruction. We also moved.. she didn't make new friends, really. I'm afraid I'll fall into the same habits, but at the same time I really like to ride horses and I must stay in decent shape to do it. If I get too fat, my horse will definitely let me know. (And I'm sure Crompsin will, too.)

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"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Sweetpea

WOW! great topic.

I am 5'5' and I weigh between 127-135, I don't like flucuating and I feel better when I stick at 127, which is hard for me since my metabolism is slow, so I really have to watch what I eat, which I find really really annoying.

However... I used to be 175 pounds, so I went through a big weight loss about 5 years ago. So my weight is fairly important to me just because I feel more healthy now and my body image has improved immensely. I work out every day, excercise is really important to my well-being now.

I think it just plain sucks that we as a society put so much pressure on women to be thin and to literally... "take up less space." I find it appalling when I feel good about my friends saying I shouldn't lose more weight, that I am looking 'frail.' I think what we promote as a society is awful message to send to women and girls. Smaller is Not better... I like what others have said on here, that being 'healthy' is important and that Feeling healthy is better than feeling 'thin'

I really love this website, it has some really great article and personal stories about women who have overcome judging themselves by the scale and accepted their bodies as beautiful just the way they are. check it out.

http://www.overcomingovereating.com/stories.html

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Plummie

Thanks for the link, Sweetpea! My weight has always been an issue with me, ever since I can remember. It fluctuates a lot because I go through phases where I am exercising a lot and eating right to where I feel like doing nothing and eat whatever I want. I have a wardrobe that ranges from small-med-large, I refuse to throw out clothes because I know I will fit them again someday. I gained some pounds in college that I am still trying to lose.

Started Weight Watchers a couple weeks ago and am now doing yoga and pilates. I've lost three pounds but I still have a long way to go. I'm hoping I am able to stick with yoga for the long haul, because my biggest hurdle is not weight loss itself, but weight MAINTENANCE. That the is part I seem to fuck up on every time I lose a lot of weight. The weight eventually creeps back on over a few years and then I start the cycle all over again. I can't just stay skinny. That is so aggravating to me. I know it's all about lifestyle changes, but that is so much easier said than done (especially in this day and age of excess food and sedentary jobs)! This time around, once I reach my goal weight, I will be on a Weight Watchers maintenance plan and probably for the rest of my life. Daily yoga should help me keep it off, too.

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Kim