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Shaindra - way out! Your post is encouraging!
As a child and through early adolescence, I did not care how I looked. I refused to wear makeup, enjoyed running for the feeling of freedom, didn't care about my body odors or acne. Through high school I was focused on dressing to diminish the stares from my hourglass figure by wearing clothes that were at least three sizes too large. I hid my striking blue eyes by wearing dingy out-of-date glasses. I hid my waist-length hair in a tightly-wrapped bun. I was often the butt of jokes as the ugly girl, but it was all to plan. Only the people who saw me on stage knew the half of my potential.
As I went away to college in 2000, my sister finally put her foot down. My mom stood by her. They wanted me to represent our family with tidy, modern fashion as I went away to their religious dream school. I packed my bags with only clothing they approved and received bi-monthly packages with the latest styles. I had no choice but to look nice. So I did. That's when I gained an appreciation for fashion as a daily lifestyle choice.
I've become more body-focused within the past 4 years. Around age 21, I started facing a bit of a realization that I couldn't eat whatever I wanted. I referenced a few healthy lifestyle books and adjusted my food intake. Age 23, I took an interest in Jainism as a philosophy and made a spiritual decision to go vegetarian. Been happy with that decision.
I do not run daily anymore. I do walk, cycle, and swim. Working in the garden - pulling weeds, hand-watering, and planting - is my idea of a perfect workout. I don't know that I'll ever be as physically peaked as I was in past years, though Shaindra's post makes me think it's possible.
My weight is a reflection of my state of mind. If I am centered, happy, and focused, I am a couple of pounds lighter than I am when I am distraught or frustrated about life. I have seen the struggles of my best friend when she has (due to medication changes hinging on her epilepsy) struggled over weight roller-coasters. I have watched my obese mother fight foot-aches and deal with ailments that are intensfied by her weight. I make an active choice to avoid foods that I find irresistible, and frequently monitor my intake with senseless rules like don't eat chocolate before noon and no snacks after 8pm. The exercise in control is exhilerating.
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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq
"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy
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