Nemi

Hi,

In Jan 2006, I told my boyfriend (of nearly 5 years) that I was attracted to a colleague at work (my superior). We talked and emailed about why this was happening ( it's a long distance relationship). In Feb 06, things got complicated, I was on a field trip in the Philippines, that superior came to my hotel room with a bottle of wine and sat for 3 hrs talking about different things, nothing happened, as in there was no kissing, he (the superior) just touched my shoulder. That same night, my boyfriend called and asked me to be online. I told him I would be there. But I was online 1 hour later because I was talking to that superior and was unable to tell him that he needed to leave my room. So ever since, that night, I have been having discussions with my boyfriend as to the meaning of what I had with that superior. He (my boyfriend) says I was a cheater and a liar because I was "involved" with that other person while I made him feel the contrary. From there, I started answering my boyfriend's questions and I realized that I was bored with how the way things had been going between us (in truth, 6 months later, I think I was bored with my life and work and looked outside for excitement). But I am paying the consequences now because my boyfriend says he doesn't respect me or trust me..many other things actually. We are meeting in 5 days after 4 yrs and he said tht it's best for us to meet for a short term (I am still unclear on that).

I do love my boyfriend, really do..at least now I am realizing it when I see what a fool I was to pick such a short term excitement over a relationship of 5 years. But our discussions are endless because in my view, he stalls my efforts to clear things between us - why did I do what I did, is it going to happen again.

I dont think I had an affair as in I didn't meet that superior for lunches, or had sex with him. I did like the conversations I had with him, they were more smooth and easy while with my bf I was having fights all the time.

Was it an affair per say or an office romance? I dont work at that office anymore to precise things since my work was supposed to end in May 06. I thus do not think I am cheater, but I think I did lie to my bf by not revealing that I was unhappy about certain issues I had with him. I have my responsibility in all this.

Thank you for reading such a long post and letting me know ur thoughts on the above. Anyone's thoughts would be most helpful.

savvypup

Oh god Nemi, I certainly wouldn't think of you as a cheater. I think some people tend to share only intimate talks with the person they're with. I don't think that way - but use to. We all need people to confide in and for myself, I find the opposite sex much easier to talk to.

You choosing to have discussions with someone outside your 'long' distant relationship is perfectly acceptable. Some talks are nicer to have face-2-face and just because the person you talked to was a guy, why is this classed as cheating. The feelings you have for this person are also perfectly normal. Who wouldn't be attracted to someone who you can be open with. And like you said, it was just talking. Just because wine was present, doesn't mean it was heading anywhere. Outside excitment is good, but you didn't act on anything and so I don't think you overstepped any boundaries. Don't feel guilty!

__________________

ciao bella!

maleficent

How often do you see your boyfriend? How did you meet him? You've been together for a number of years, but how many of those years were you actually together... in the same place at the same time?

I'm not sure why all that matters but it might help to understand him a little better.

You mentioned a business trip to the Phillipines, so I'm guessing you aren't from North America... Where's your boyfriend from, I'm wondering if his mindset is cultural... that women are supposed to behave a certain way, and you didn't.

You didn't do anything wrong, though I must say it wasn't the smartest thing for you to have a man in your hotel room, with a bottle of wine... Safety says, never do that. Your boyfriend, however, is overreacting, and accusing you of things that might have happened, rather than what actually did happen. You didn't lie, according to what you said, you didn't have to tell him anything but you did.

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Sultana

I'm sorry, but I don't see that you did anything. *Perhaps* you did very briefly allow yourself to get closer to someone than normal, but gees.

I do think that a hotel room, a bottle of wine, and an attractive co-worker of the opposite sex could have turned into something much more, but it didn't. You shouldn't flagellate yourself over something that didn't happen. Evaluate it, try to figure out why it happened, and decide if you need to re-evaluate either your relationship with the bf or how you feel in general.

Now, did you say that you and your bf are meeting after 4 years of not being together, and he's going to allow this meeting to be briefer than it needs to be because of that incident?

Umm, I can't imagine not seeing my SO for 4 years, and that would certainly color my viewpoint on the advice I could offer.

__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -

Matt Groening

My goal? To fulfill my potential.

snowy

It sounds like nothing happened.

Your boyfriend sounds like a jerk.

I'd suggest getting a new one.

__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Sage

I second onesnowy. If things in your relationship were to the point that you were making googly eyes at another man, it's time to end it now and cut your losses.

Besides, if nothing has happened after five years, it's probably not going to happen anytime soon. Don't float the mainstream- go find something more fun and productive to do with your love life!

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Nemi

Thank you everyone for your input.

Some few things:
- Note: that boss is in his early 50s and I am 25. So my boyfriend couldn't understand why someone in his early 50s would attract me.
- I don't think anything would have happened in that hotel room in Philippines. It's just that I feel guilty that I did enjoy conversations with because of their smoothness.
- Also I think that emotional closeness was something I was really craving with my boyfriend and it's not really possible with so many fights and a long distance relationship.
- I read some few things and had started wondering whether it was an 'emotional affair'. No, it wasn't but I think there are lines of distinction that makes one believe certain things.

Maleficent - to your questions:
1. I met my boyfriend in 2001, met him for 2 weeks in 2002. And since 2002, I haven't met him. I will meet him in 3 days. Yes, I know the rest of the relationship has been mostly emails (around 3,000 both his and mine), being online and phone cards.

2. I met him in a chat room in 2001, he decided to come and meet me in my ctry (You guessed right, I am not from N.America but have lived there nearly 4 years for studies and work).

3. So we have actually been together in the same place for only 2 weeks in my home country.

4. We are both of Indian origin. I am not from India though but he is. So yes, there is an element of culture but I also think it's my poor communication skills and my unwillingness to face certain issues with him. I thought he was quite liberal and open on several issues....but yes, I sometimes sense it's also the personality more than the culture part.

5. As for leaving him, as it was advised by some of u, I don't think it makes sense in that issues and grievances would still be prepared in any other relationship. As for the 5 yr waiting, I wanted to wait because I loved him and still do. It is just that a certain point, unsure of myself and unsure of several aspects of my life, I questioned whether he was the One for me. And whether he indeed wanted me.

6. I will know that soon. Yes, I am really excited to see him and am waiting to fight and have fun with him.

maleficent

That might very well be something you have to work on... but it's not a reason to accept blame for something that you didn't do...

Emotional cheating is very real and in my mind, far worse than sexual cheating, but that's not what you did... It sounds like you were looking for a friend... someone you could be yourself with, something that you might be missing in your current relationship, due to location... (do you and your boyfriend have plans to eventually be in the same place forever?)

I gotta wonder if your boyfriend would have had the reaction he did, and you would be feeling the way you are if your boss was female, and the same conversations were had...

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little_tippler

This all sounds strange to me. No intention to offend but to spend 5 years with someone you have spent a total of 2 weeks with physically, is just nuts. I'm not saying this from lack of experience, believe me. I did that for a year with a now ex-boyfriend, and just that was hard enough. And we made sure we saw each other fairly regularly. How well can you know him? I know you've communicated a lot but you have had no real-time input. I wouldn't be surprised if you met him and had no idea how to feel about the situation. How committed areyou guys to each other than you can go for 4 years without seeing each other personally?

What I just said has to affect my opinion on this so called "affair". It wasn't an affair. You were attracted. You tested the water, so to speak - you had relatively intimate conversation with the other guy knowing there was a mutual attraction. But you didn't do anything wrong. You moved away from this other guy and that's that. And then you were so honest you told your long-distance boyfriend (who you've only spent two actual weeks with and thinks that entitles him to some very deep form of committment - granted he did wait 5 years, as did you).

First, every relationship is different. Any other relationship could have similar problems, but never the exact same ones. You could have a lot less problems, and a lot more fun - presencially. Don't ever give up on looking for what feels right for you, just because you think that's all you're going to get and it doesn't change from relationship to relationship. If you're not sure, then it's probably not right - either that or you don't know what you want, or need.

I'm not sure why you've waited so long and if he's really worth that much of your time, to WAIT that way for so long. How much can you really know if you love someone if you've only had so little time with them in reality? Perhaps it's the idea and the memory that you love. Also, who could blame you for letting your eye stray when you've been alone for so long? It hardly seems fair. You're SO young. Also, you're doubting whether he really wants you? Well if he really has waited for 5 years (and not cheated on YOU, have you thought of that?) then he should do right?

Well, good luck with your current situation. We'd love to know how your meeting goes...

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

percy

I was going to say something else but I won't. What I will say is that if this is how you choose to live your life and you are 100% content with that, then all the best to you.

The way I interpreted your meeting with your boss was something of a godsend because he provided you with a opportunity to experience something else. I would take that same excitement and find it with someone with whom you can experience that with every day,not once every few years or so.

For your boyfriend, if he continues to bring up this meeting with your boss and keeps harassing you about, then in no way shape or form is he mature enough to be in a relationship.

I wasn't going to say it but I will. It seems life is passing you by. Your 25, vibrant and full of life. You deserve better.

genuinegirly

i don't understand why everyone is so harsh on the boyfriend.

Nemi asked how everyone here would classify what happened with a co-worker, and somehow everyone is jumping to the conclusion that her boyfriend is controlling and/or difficult.

maybe no one that has responded has been in a long-term long distance relationship. I have. Emotions are high. Just the fact that they have been able to hold it together for 5 years without much interaction shows that they have a true meeting of the minds - a relationship that is precious and should not be trifled with.

I don't see the interaction with the superior as cheating, not in mind or anything else. I'm not sure that I would classify it as office romance either, since there was no kissing. I will venture to say that this 50 year-old co-worker was a bit out of line. Since he entered your hotel room with a bottle of alcohol, it makes me wonder about his intentions. Hopefully this does not make things difficult in the workplace. It would be viewed as sexual harassment if it were in the United States.

Good luck with everything, hon. And don't listen to these extremists. Your boyfriend is just worried. He doesn't want to lose you. Just be confident in your own mind that you have done nothing wrong - he will soon see things your way, if he does not already. He only doubts because you do.

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

raeanna74

Granted my view of cheating is a LITTLE different than most people have but I would not call that cheating at all. Besides, your crush/boss, came to YOUR room, not you going to seek him out. It's healthy to have friendships with both sexes outside your primary relationship. The fact that you were attracted to this man just says that you are human and weren't getting any. It was a void in your life and he temporarily filled it without you becoming sexually intimate. I think it was a healthy situation.

Your boyfriend sounds very insecure. Did you hide from him the fact that you talked to your superior at all? Have you hidden anything else from him, besides the fact that you weren't content with your relationship at that time? Are there ANY other reasons for his insecurity? If not then don't let it worry you. It's his problem and you don't have to MAKE him trust you. If he can't let this go then I would suspect a deeper problem. Be confident (as genuinegirly said) that you have done nothing wrong.

The fact that you did not deal with issues that you had with her relationship at that time is perfectly normal. It is healthy to deal with stuff right away instead of letting it get out of hand but it's rare for people to actually do that consistantly. Don't let that worry you or make you feel guilty. It's always easier to ignore problems than deal with them. Just let it be a lesson to you that you could be tempted if you allowed problems to creep into your relationship.

Good Luck.

__________________
"Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

little_tippler

So have I. Maybe not for 5 years but I know what she is talking about, the anxiety, the emotions out of control. I agree the relationship may be precious in terms of them connecting very well on a mental level, but none of us knows how well and in what context exactly, and 4 years is a long time to spend without seeing your boyfriend AT ALL. Or did you not see yours for that long? Maybe you can give us some insight on how that works out.

Nobody is being an extremist I think. And that's a pretty harsh word to use among friends. I think the majority of posters here on the TFP actually give well balanced, well thought out opinions which are much valued by many who come here to share their problems.

The OP asked us her opinion and factored in the information about her boyfriend being long distance and not having seen him for 4 years. How could we not be surprised and respond with that in mind? It's not a common occurence. The OP asked us what we thought about the whole picture, not just about the isolated situation with her coworker. Do you really think she just threw that information in there or could it be that maybe she wanted to share this difficult situation she's in with others and hear what they have to say about it?

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

water_bug

This does raise an interesting question though. What consitutes cheating? Personally I don't think you cheated yet you think you may have. Your boyfriend thinks you did too and therein lies the problem. But you also said you were bored which means that maybe this relationship is not for the best. Please don't take offence, but that's my two cents.

mixedmedia

I think she feels she cheated on him in her heart. I know that feeling. I never physically cheated on either of my husbands, but for sure, my heart betrayed them from time to time. The common denominator in both relationships being that these little betrayals occurred when I was unhappy and unfulfilled in them.

But, even if you stop short of being sexually untrue, you may carry the guilt of being tempted. I know I did.

water_bug

I think we've all been tempted a time or two. There may be different degrees of temptation though. I don't know really, I am too single to be much help here.

genuinegirly

I realize this is somewhat off-topic, but it goes along with what someone else said... a response that seems worth sharing.

I enjoyed a long-distance relationship where I didn't see the man for 6 years. We were very close, even though the only contact we had was online or by telephone. During this time there were plenty of things that came up that brought discussion and even a bit of heartbreak. Not infidelity, but concerns about interactions with people exterior to the relationship that only creep up when the logical mind is weak.

The relationship that I speak of is still strong and abiding today, though it has morphed into a solid friendship rather than anything sexual (raw physical incompatability issues, but our minds still meet).

__________________
"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy