Undercover_Man

Hello. Ok. I feel really bad. I don't know where this is coming from and I hate that it "matters(?)" to me. I dunno how to put it.

First off, I'm doing a long distance relationship thing. We plan on moving to the same place once we graduate.

Well, my new girlfriend has had twins at a very young age. She sent me two pictures but they were of her before she was pregnant. I kept on buggin her about sending me recent pictures but she was always hessitant and didn't want to. She gave me excuses that her scanner broke or she didn't have any more on her computer.

Well, today I made her give and I can see why she was so hessitant. She always told me that she had some more baby fat left. But what she sent me was unexpected. Now, my sister has had 3 kids and our family has been thru a bunch of newborns too. I didn't see this kind of physical change in them like I did with my girlfriend. It looks like most of it went to her face and I can see why she was so against sending me recent pictures of her if she was self sensitive about her figure. She's a little over a year pregnant. She was like 15 I think when she got pregnant.

I know I am sounding very mean. That's why I am here. I don't know why it's "bothering" me. Bothering isn't quite the word I'm looking for but that's the best I can do. I hate how the physical change in her now than then makes me feel. I hate how I "care". I don't care but my mind is telling me that it cares but the real me doesn't care. I don't know. It's like I have these high physical standards for girls or something.

My own feelings about this situation and how it's having an effect in my head is REALLY bugging me and I don't know why. Why am I thinking like this? Why do I "care"? I know this is really mean of me and I hate that I am even thinking like this but I don't know how to make my mind realize that it's ok.

I don't know how to handle these harsh, negative emotions of mine. I feel like I should be shot for even "caring" about such a thing. In her "before" pictures she was this beautiful homecoming queen. Now, she has overly shocked my head with this single "after" picture and I hate all the negative feelings and emotions that it's causing in my head.

If anyone can help me figure out why I'm thinking like this and if there's anything I can do to make me not like this anymore? I dunno wat to do about myself. I really love her.

- Undercover_Man

Charlatan

I have a friend that I consider to be very pretty. I have taken some pictures of her and whenever I look at the pictures I find myself thinking that she isn't all that pretty. She just takes a bad picture.

Not everyone is photogenic all the time. Don't let one bad photo make up your mind about how you feel.

As for when you are faced with the real her... Be prepared. She has probably put on some weight. She probably has stretch marks too (twins!!). Get used to it. She isn't getting any younger and neither are you.

Learn to appreciate what you have because before you know it might be gone.

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- Old Man Luedecke

Undercover_Man

Yah, ur rite. I just talked to her again. I was right about why she didn't want to show me her picture. She was worried that I'd "freak out and that I wouldn't want to go out with her anymore". Yes, well that's not the case with me. The real me inside isn't that mean. I wouldn't say "nope, so over" simply because of how she looks now. All the reasons about why I loved her in the first place, before that picture have not changed. I still love her to death.

She has told me that when she had the babies, she was "much worse" (her words). She has set a goal for herself. She tries to lose 5 lbs./ month. I think that's really good of her to do that. She does indeed take good care of herself nutritionally and physically. She always has and she continues to do so. She wants to go back to how she was before her babies.

I dunno, something still bothers me and I can't figure out why. Why does my mind have to be so mean? She says she'll be back to her "before" self eventually. At least, that's her ultimate goal. I wish I could stop feeling like this. It's like part of my mind is just plain mean and maybe even cruel. But the better part of me knows better than to let the bad part of me express itself. I'm really a very kind, honest, open guy and really am not like ur typical "guy".

I dunno what my mind is going thru rite now. It's all new to me. I don't like the way it's thinking and I don't know how to change it. Well, I gotta work tomorrow. I'll check back late tonight.

Take care and thanks for helping me out.
- Undercover_Man

pig

Undercover,

like it or not, those are perfectly valid and "ok" feelings. we all have a superficial component; personally, i'm not against it at all unless carried to extremes, but to each their own. you're having a perfectly natural reaction to what happens when fact meets theory. you had pictures of her as as blair, then she went all natalie on you. you're wondering what i'm talking about, because the facts of life aired in 1979; what i'm saying is she somewhat misrepresented herself, for understandable reasons perhaps - and the part of you that controls your want-to-fuck behavior and desires wanted to fuck the prom queen. my personal suggestion would be not to "fight" it, but to accept it and let it pass - come to terms with it. its not going to go away.

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Chimera

You had expectations, and they were different than the reality. Virtually every dissapointment we experience can be traced to this simple human trait....expectations.

<-----This is how you want it to be.
------>This is how it actually turns out.

Now I'm unhappy.

Evaluate your own expectations, and adjust the dissapointment meter.

mixedmedia

Well, first off, I agree with pigglet that she chose to misrepresent herself at the beginning of your relationship. Which isn't necessarily a horrible thing, especially if you're not expecting the relationship to get serious. But it led directly to the situation you're in now.

But, that said, if you truly love her. Don't let one picture totally dismay you. Like Charlatan said, she may just take bad pictures. Many people look much more attractive in action than they do in pictures. And personality can go a long way in making people look beautiful and desirable.

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Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Ratman

This is coming from an "old"guy. How are old are you and how old is she? I get the feeling that when you say "when we graduate" it means her from high school. If she was pregnant at 15, and it's been a year since she had the babies, she is around 17? Have you ever met her in person? I only ask because there is a huge difference between being in love with someone, and being in love with your image of someone. If she wasn't up front about her physical appearance, what else may she have mis-represented? Is she still involved with her babies? Have you seen pictures of them?

If so, are ready to take on the responsibilities of being a "dad" to a ready-made family? When you say "move the the same place" do you mean live together, or in the same town? Are you ready to start a life in a place that one, or both of you, are starting new with, or without, friends, contacts, family? I wish you the very best, because these things can work, but you have to ask the hard questions, and be totally sure of your commitment. As does she. These are difficult issues for people who meet in real life, too.

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Sultana

So you've never met/seen this gal in person, and she's your girlfriend? I've heard of long-distance relationships, but this is a little something different.

You *really* need to meet someone in person and spend time with them before you consider them your girlfriend or boyfriend--if nothing else but to avoid issues like this, and worse.

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At night, the ice weasels come." -

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ratbastid

I'm with Sultana on this one. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I like a little face time with someone before I consider myself to be "going out" with them.

Lady Sage

You either love her or you dont. If Pan was disfigured tomorrow, I would still love him. He would still be Pan.

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eribrav

I see what you're saying, and don't doubt it, but I don't think that it applies well to the OP. You're in a committed relationship that includes marriage, if I recall correctly. The OP is talking about someone he has never even met in person. Why would he be expected to love her (or not) at this point? He may lust for her, he may find her intriguing, but I don't see how he can love her.

Another version of the above: Let's say Pan was horribly disfigured before you ever met him. Are you totally sure that you would end up falling in love with him?
And BTW I am not comparing gaining weight during pregnancy to disfigurement. Odds are we're talking MILF in just another year or two......

pornclerk

The thing that I can't get out of my mind is that you two are planning on moving in together when the evidence states that you have only seen pictures of each other. That seems pretty extreme. Maybe you should date each other in person for a while before you make any major decisions!

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Ourcrazymodern?

Love is a mysterious phenomena. It goes to both heads...
If the twins were yours, you'd feel differently about the changes in her appearance, inasmuchas you'd feel some responsibility for them.
Stop kicking yourself in the head and decide what you REALLY feel and get on with your life.

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Carno

So you have high standards. Big deal.

Either get over them or move on.

Toaster126

There is nothing wrong in having physical standards for the people you are romantically attracted to. Don't let people claim you aren't "enlightened" for having them.

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Ourcrazymodern?

I'm thinking enlightenment requires moving beyond what you see.

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pig

do you mean "moving beyond" as in "disregarding," or "moving beyond" as in enfolding it into your perceptions? i would argue that simply throwing away your superficial judgements/perceptions/desires is simply repression and ignorance.

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mixedmedia

I'm thinking you've watched Lion King 1 1/2 recently....just kidding, babe. I think you're right.

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Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

World's King

How old are you two?

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

Halx

I don't think the deal is standards or disappointment, per se. You're in an internet relationship. You're not getting any action. You want to know that when all of the waiting is done and you finally get to see this girl you've been pouring your heart out to, she's worth it in every way.

You're very young. I don't suggest this method of building relationships. This is coming from someone with experience.

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mixedmedia

Well, in Lion King 1 1/2, the baboon means it in the latter way.

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Most people go through life dreading they'll have a traumatic experience. Freaks were born with their trauma. They've already passed their test in life. They're aristocrats. - Diane Arbus
PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. - Ambrose Bierce

Ourcrazymodern?

(& throwing away superficial judgments is probably a good idea.)

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Halx

says the society that celebrates beauty, but also tries to make it a guilty pleasure. Lets face it... we want what we want. If you don't want an ugly girlfriend, you have every right to not have one.

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pig

and at the end of the day, after you've repressed all these judgments, you're still left with them...only you're not really dealing with it. you're ignoring it. i see no reason to throw them away. i say keep them, and appreciate them for what they are. just superficial judgments. nothing more, nothing less. but they are what they are. i don't think you can "move past" something you don't accept and incorporate.

ie. you might date a girl who's butt ugly, but love her because she's sweet and a great cook or something. but she's still ugly.

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You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Seaver

First off how can you claim to love someone you have never even really met?

Look, yes loving someone means loving them regardless. Regardless of what happens to them included. HOWEVER, you fell in love with the girl in the picture. Yes maybe her personality is the same, but you fall in love with someone physically as well. Anyone who says otherwise is flat out lying.

Yes, while phrases like the following make me feel really good:

It's faulty in this case. She fell in love with Pan physically as well as mentally, and she knows every aspect about him. You didn't even know what she looked like, how can you actually love her? If it were me I'd be upset she deliberately misrepresented herself from day one. If it were me I'd send her a picture of Brad Pitt in a swimsuit and tell her about my recent trip to the beach (ok maybe not, but I'd be tempted).

And finally, sign me up for the old-school side. You can't have a relationship beyond close friends with anyone you've never actually met.

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meems

Physical attraction is a must in any relationship, that's what starts most of them isn't it? Especially at her age, she should have dropped the baby weight by now (especially if she's chasing twins!), reality is, she most likely will have a weight issue most of her life..if you are not attracted to fuller women, it's not fair to her to drag out the relationship!

shesus

I agree that physical attraction is a must. It is usually the first thing that catches the attention.

First of all, while love is a feeling and talking is important in a relationship. I'm not sure that what you have is an actual love type relationship. I mean, you've never met, never kissed, never touched. She hid her true image from you which is a red flag that there isn't a strong relationship there.

If you aren't attracted to her, you don't have much invested in it really because you haven't met. You have no idea, she might have some really annoying personality traits too.

It sounds to me that you are young. And I'm guessing she is very young too because if she had twins at 14 and is still carrying around weight. Either A) she recently had the twins and where is the dad? or B) she is just overweight.

Don't stay with someone you aren't attracted too. It's not fair to her and it's not fair to you either. Someone out there probably finds her very attractive. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder as they say.

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ngdawg

I can relate to falling for someone without ever meeting them, just by talking.. It's not as farfetched as some might think. That being said, there are still things that can only be dealt with face to face and then it will either grow or die.
I'm not sure what this meant: She's a little over a year pregnant. She was like 15 I think when she got pregnant., but I'll make the assumption that the twins are a year old or so. As the mother of twins (albeit, I had them later in life), I can tell you the weight does not fall off, magically or otherwise, without work. Chasing toddlers doesn't do it.
You're dealing with a (supposedly) 17 year old girl. I should think that she has enough issues in her life right now not to be burdened by any doubts you're having. Moving 'to the same place' whether it's the same town or living together, without being face to face to allow this to grow is a bit hasty to say the least. And if you're only 18, I can unequivocably state that you both are too young to be making such plans, given the current situation.

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Ourcrazymodern?

ngdawg, I concur! Unequivocably...Even though nature states otherwise, it costs your society. Wait (to take responsibility) until you know what you're doing...

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absorbentishe

A womans body changes due to pregnancy, period. 99% of the time, it doesn't go back to pre-preg state. If you don't like womens bodies after babies, then don't date/marry a woman that has kids, or wants kids. Pregnancy makes a woman even more beautiful. My wife, in my eyes, was even better looking when she was preggers. She thinks she isn't as attractive now, after 4, but I disagree. I think she is even better looking now then when we first started dating.

Ourcrazymodern?

Me too, absorbentishe! It just seems to get better and better.

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