Hello. Ok. I feel really bad. I don't know where this is coming from and I hate that it "matters(?)" to me. I dunno how to put it.
First off, I'm doing a long distance relationship thing. We plan on moving to the same place once we graduate.
Well, my new girlfriend has had twins at a very young age. She sent me two pictures but they were of her before she was pregnant. I kept on buggin her about sending me recent pictures but she was always hessitant and didn't want to. She gave me excuses that her scanner broke or she didn't have any more on her computer.
Well, today I made her give and I can see why she was so hessitant. She always told me that she had some more baby fat left. But what she sent me was unexpected. Now, my sister has had 3 kids and our family has been thru a bunch of newborns too. I didn't see this kind of physical change in them like I did with my girlfriend. It looks like most of it went to her face and I can see why she was so against sending me recent pictures of her if she was self sensitive about her figure. She's a little over a year pregnant. She was like 15 I think when she got pregnant.
I know I am sounding very mean. That's why I am here. I don't know why it's "bothering" me. Bothering isn't quite the word I'm looking for but that's the best I can do. I hate how the physical change in her now than then makes me feel. I hate how I "care". I don't care but my mind is telling me that it cares but the real me doesn't care. I don't know. It's like I have these high physical standards for girls or something.
My own feelings about this situation and how it's having an effect in my head is REALLY bugging me and I don't know why. Why am I thinking like this? Why do I "care"? I know this is really mean of me and I hate that I am even thinking like this but I don't know how to make my mind realize that it's ok.
I don't know how to handle these harsh, negative emotions of mine. I feel like I should be shot for even "caring" about such a thing. In her "before" pictures she was this beautiful homecoming queen. Now, she has overly shocked my head with this single "after" picture and I hate all the negative feelings and emotions that it's causing in my head.
If anyone can help me figure out why I'm thinking like this and if there's anything I can do to make me not like this anymore? I dunno wat to do about myself. I really love her.
- Undercover_Man