Meditrina

I have been with my husband for about 14 years. We have never really talked about sex and what each of us likes. Now that I am learning more about myself and more open to trying different things, I tried to talk to him about sex and get him to open up to me. He seemed so uncomfortable, as if he did not want to talk about it. I am wondering why he can talk to others online, but not to me. Is he just not used to me being this way? If I keep on doing what I am doing, will he eventually open up to me?

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kramus

So, if he can talk to others online . . . then either email him or use a hotmail address that allows chat. Perhaps that will do. You can even ask if he'e like to set up a roll-playing alter ego if that is what it takes

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doncalypso

Maybe he perceives your desire to talk about sex as a sign that you're not satisfied with his performance, so he may be afraid to face criticism.

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Fallon

You mentioned that you've been married for 14 years and you've just really started talking about sex. He may just not know how to communicate about it since you haven't really talked about it before.
Like Kramus said, maybe you should try talking to him on the internet first as it will allow him to think about his answers, put them down in writing, erase them, rewrite them then response(I do this all the time)
With enough gentle coaxing, he ought to come around, eventually I did in my relationship.

Dragonknight

I agree with every one on this subject. There is a large amount of reasons he could be uncomfortable with the subject. I'm leaning towards the hasn't been done in 14 years one myself. Something new like that might make him uncomfortable because it's never happened before. I'm also sure if you continue to approach the subject he will become more comfortable talking about it, and you both will reap the rewards. Have you flat out asked him if he was uncomfortable with the subject yet? Sometimes the straight forward approach works as well.

canuckguy

When you had the discussion with him, did you tell your desires first or did you just ask him what he would be "in to" first? He might not have wanted to say anything as he is not sure what your going to be receptive too. He might not have wanted to offend you, ie, "wow she'll think i'm a right pervert if i say this". Whatever your darkest, dirtiest fantasy is, I suggest you come right out and tell him. That might help him get over his fear as maybe he is just scared to offend/ repulse you.

Good luck! You husband is one lucky guy!

As well, if he reacts all strange or put off by your new found sexual desires he might just be wonder where it is all coming from. Like mentioned before, he might be questioning if he is good enough for you, or even if your cheating on him as he'll want to know why all the sudden desires.

just imo which probably is wrong! (my first ever post in this section)

Meditrina

I am so glad I posted this question here. It is very helpful to have the viewpoints from other men. I hope he does not feel that I am cheating on him or that he is not good enough. I will have to reassure him that this is far from the truth. Every thing that I have been doing is for him, for us. I worry that because he does not like to talk to me about it, or anything for that matter, that he is cheating on me and does not love me anymore. I have already emailed him about one thing that was bothering me and that went very well. Perhaps I should email him about this too.

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amonkie

Have you thought about maybe talking to him about a fantasy he might have? This might get the sex talk going in a way that allows YOU to possibly do something for HIM - and in talking about it, your desires will also come to the surface .. it's a place to start. It might be a way to assure him its not something about Him if you're asking him about his interests first.

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pan6467

Women need to tell us what they like. We men are not mind readers. I am a partner that loves to please but I cannot please the lady if I have no idea what she likes and the last thing I want to do is start trying something that will turn her off. Once she tells me what she likes, then I have some ideas and can change routines and do different tasks each time so the sex is never the same.

Making love is about sharing and opening yourself up, if you can't trust your partner to tell them what you like or want then how can you expect them to know. Sometimes it just happens non verbally in the process. Like if in the middle of a session a woman slaps my asss and I slap hers and she smiles or something good happens then I know she likes that, if I'm making the frozen grape do the orgasmic dance and she moans and pushes my face down deeper I know she likes that.

Now if I pull out a blindfold or a tie and start to tie her up and she kind of flinches and the passion disappears, I made a mistake, yet some women like that and how would I ever know until she says or does something to let me know.

Your husband maybe the same way. He maybe wanting to try new things but is scared to because for 14 years (?) it's been the same and if he tries something new he may be scared you'll freak out wondering where he learned that stuff.

It has been my experience though that when the sex seems to get boring or routine, there are deeper issues in the relationship that aren't being addressed. Cause when the relationship is good, the sex is always good.

Relationships are all about communication and if you cannot communicate what you like in bed, because of fear or embarassment, how can you communicate in other parts of the relationship openly and honestly? Making love is the most intimate thing 2 people can do and the trust and respect have to be there for it to be enjoyable.

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I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"

Psycho Dad

I can't recall where I saw it, but I ran across a quiz that supposedly two partners were to take to gauge one another's intersts in different sexually related subjects. The questions ran from simple cuddling to extreme bondage. However before I put too much into one of those online quizes, I would check out its validity given the importance of this subject.

Also, don't feel like there is anything wrong with your husband being reluctant to discuss things of this nature even after 14 years. This can be difficult for many men as well as women despite the level of trust and understanding that the couple may have. More than likely your husband is reluctant to discuss this more from outside sources (our society for example) than his trust or interest in you.

Something I think you should also consider is fantasies and if they should be acted on or kept a fantasy. There are many instances where couples have learned that some things should be best left to the imagination. Not that fantasies shouldn't be explored, just be certain that you know what you are getting into. This will come from good communication, which you are obviously trying to work toward.

One last thing... I have three kittens that live in my garage and they will not allow me to pick them up. However if I put food out for them and wait a bit, I can pick them up while they are eating and they don't seem to mind but they don't take to being held too long. What I'm saying is, find the right time to talk to your husband and don't try to cover too much at one time. Good luck!

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Mantus

Baby steps sportswidow. Don't overwhelm him or yourself. Start with the little things - how about something as basic as kissing. Don't get serious. Joke about it. Make a game of it if you have to. People have a tendancy to turn these discusions into job interview...and that sucks. Be happy with little gains, then back off. Remember you have 14 years worth of bridges to build, that's going to take a while. Whatever you do, DONT GET ANGRY or it all over. Also, there is no magic word or phrase to make him or yourself open up. It simply takes time. Best of luck and remember, for every question you ask him, ask yourself the same thing. Cheers

Meditrina

I have told my husband some things that I like in the past. He waits for me to ask for it all the time, he never takes the initiative. His favorite answers to many of my questions are "If you want" and "I guess". Those responses make me feel like he really does not want to do what I am asking. But I guess that could be another thread, not really on this topic, sorry. I think what I am trying to say is that due to his past history of responding in this way to any question, even those not about sex, I am leary of asking him any new ones. I wish I had learned more about myself a long time ago. I hope 14 years is not too late to try to spice up our sex life. I am rambling, I must be getting tired.

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Borla

It's funny how sometimes conversations are easier on email, even with your spouse. I think it's the time to formulate responses, and that you can say as much or as little as you like and they don't have body language or tone of voice to judge as well.

I say find some of those sometimes fun/sometimes annoying email/myspace type questionaires that are always floating around and send to him, maybe tweaking it to be a little more oriented to sex/relationship type questions. You both might be surprised by the other's answers.

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Meditrina

Is it possible that I was not seeing the clues he was giving me? Or maybe he was telling me, but I wasn't listening? The other night he mentioned something while we were in the heat of passion, so I did what he wanted. I wonder if I just wasn't paying attention to his needs in the past. I will have to pay more attention from now on. I told him that I am sorry it took me so long to be this way, but I was glad he waited for me. That was a good night.

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Redlemon

Sweet. Tonight, or maybe tomorrow, try to have a post-sex wrapup to discuss what worked well.

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Acetylene

A thing that works really well is to give really strong positive reactions to the things you like. If he loves you (I'm assuming he does) he will enjoy seeing that. Give him lots of praise both verbal and nonverbal (smile, moan, send him a sexy email the next day telling him how much you loved x). Men will respond to that.

Conversely, men don't respond well (if at all) to any kind of subtle or nonverbal negative reactions. Women will try lots of things to try to express that they don't like something, from sulking to throwing things, but in my experience, NONE of them work. I don't mean this sexually, I mean in any part of a relationship. Nothing works but actual words. So if you're trying to tell him you're unhappy with the lackluster way he responds to your requests, you can't just look sort of hurt and hope he'll get the hint (not saying you do this, but every women I've met has tried to signal to her man in this way at least once, including myself). In its most extreme form you may need to use written communication, which works even better.

Hope that helps. Your comment about him saying "I guess" to ALL your questions, not just the sexual onces, is a huge red flag to me--this is a bigger issue than just in the bedroom. Try to solve it by sharing more activities together, by which I mean, make a castle at the beach or embark on a house improvement project. Working together can help you feel closer and it can also make quiet men feel more comfortable talking to you because they have a specific thing to talk about.

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canuckguy

that is awesome sportswidow05 I am glad that his is opening up to you more. The thing he suggested while you were in the heat of passion. Whatever that "thing" he suggested was, make sure to do it again asap so he understands that if he asks he shall receive (sorta speak). Might help him realize that if he does open up that your going to be receptive to try new things.

jorgev

me and an old SO used to talk about everything online... but when we where together we really did not talk much... i guess it is because what Fallon said... that i can delete and fix my responses... but eventually we left the computer and started to talk normaly... me and my wife.. really do not talk much about sex.. we have been together for 3 years.. i try to talk to her and she just changes the conversation or we end up on something else.. or mad at eachother.. she asks why all of a sudden??... and i dunno what to answer

genuinegirly

Oooo rays of sunshine! So happy to hear that he is opening up. Hopefully this will mean he's ready to open up to you. "If you like" and "I guess" - these are familiar words to me as well. Is it a male culture thing?

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xepherys

Kudos to you for being open about your problem... and double kudos for actually taking some advice. Sportswidow05, you're A-OK in my book. Best of luck with this. Sounds like maybe it's moving in the right direction!

Cimarron29414

The first thing I thought of when you said, "he answers with 'I guess' or 'If you want'" was "Why do you ask him yes or no questions?" If you say "What is your favorite sex position?", he can't really answer "I guess"!

Also, you might want to think about ground rules for his internet use. Yes, you have a right to set those rules. You can say, "Look if I am going to go through all of this effort to explore our sexuality together, then you have to focus on our sexuality too!"

I have set rules for myself so that I will give my best to Mrs. Cim: I will enter the public forums and speak to others, but I refuse to do emails, private messages, chat, or send photos. Mrs. Cim could always log in here and see every word I have ever written. So, while I explore human sexuality here - I explore MY sexuality exclusively with my girl!

This is a powerful argument:

There: pixel titties
Bedroom: real titties
There: pixel butt
Bedroom: real butt
etc.....

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OTK

Sportswidow, try visiting your local bookstore's love and sex section. There are a few books that you read with your SO and fill out as you go. You both read the question (what is your favorite position, what is your favorite fantasy, etc.) and then you each write down the answer on a piece of paper and then swap them. I did this with a GF awhile back and it was great because you get to know your partner really well and I actually learned a few things about myself!

Using a questionare for lovers book is great because you aren't probing him for his darkest secrets, the book is. Plus, there maybe a few things that come up that you may not have thought of. Hope that helps.

Leto

We watch telivision without borders on Showcase most weekends. It's a good 3 hour romp through sexual documentaries and travelogues. Now, we don't watch it religiously, but you know, flick around the dial, but go back to the stuff on the fuck machines (last weekend's) or sex toys (the weekend before).

It helps us to be open, and I find out more about my so than just through frank discussion... She was really curious about the fuck machines, by the way, but we can't afford the $3K andup to purchase one, besides what would the kids think??? But they did show how to adapt a reciprocating saw or a Kitchenaide stand mixer... hmmmmm....

leads to really great sex tooo! nothing like communication. communication is sensuous.

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